The Trip (2010) Edit

A big block of ice, say, a kilometer thick,

A bit like, you know, James Bond ordering a martini.

A bit of food sees that, he goes running towards it.

A bit of phone sex?

A bit weird.

A British Don Quixote.

A ha!

A ha!

A ha!

A ha.

A little amorous.

A little bit further.

A movie where De Niro and Pacino

A saddle of Nidderdale lamb with mutton pudding.

A stately pleasure dome decree

A sunny day in England with a fried breakfast.

A warrior that came...

About 10,000 years ago.

About their breakup,

About who I've met before and who I haven't,

Absolutely superb.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. That's just fantastic.

Actually visit them?

Again?

Ah, I might be. Hmm. Yeah.

Ah, marvelous.

Ah, now we glimpse the real man.

Ah, oh, no, let's not.

Ah, you know Sally and Chloe.

Ah, you saucy boy.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Alan Partridge.

Alert the authorities.

Alex James said he celebrated his 20th birthday with alcohol,

All of her Ss are high.

All present and correct.

All right, but don't do it as Roger Moore.

All right, I would do it like this.

All right, listen, love you.

All right, talk about some of the characters.

All right, two.

All right, you're a good bloke.

All right?

All right?

All right.

All right. All right. Jesus Christ.

All right. Don't talk.

All right. Here we are.

All right. Okay. See ya, Dad.

All right. Thank you. All right, love. Bye.

All right. Well, I'm going that way.

All right. Yes. Thanks. Bye, baby. Bye, bye.

All the brothers want a piece of Coogs.

All the brothers, my man.

All this was formed in the last ice age,

All you can do is do something someone's done before

Along the banks of crystal Wharf.

Along the west bank of Windermere.

Although a very hard rock,

Although he made me laugh and made us all laugh, I think,

Although, I admit,

Although, I admit...

Always leave at daybreak.

An illness the child would recover from

And a bathroom.

And a chocolate and caramel tart.

And a lot of the people that are thought of as great had...

And a spiced cauliflower.

And again I hear these waters

And all I ever wanted to do was blow the bloody doors off.

And another Fricker sister living here, plus the children,

And become a prostitute?

And chew my bone.

And croque monsieur.

And go up the B6255 to Hawes, right,

And have a little look at the cottage.

And he has asked specifically to come up and take 25, 30 minutes

And he said, " I wish I'd gotten hold of Steve Coogan

And he will get back to you as soon as he can.

And he won't come back with his man in a box,

And he won't go to school.

And he, uh,

And he's been really ill this morning,

And helped us avoid confronting the harsh realities

And helped us avoid looking at the brutal reality

And how long will that take?

And I don't remember meeting them,

And I shall bed down here with a rock as my pillow,

And I still don't know any.

And I thought she could help me,

And I wanted to show Mischa the...

And I'd sleep there very happily.

And I'm gonna come up with her tomorrow, so you'll see me then.

And I'm not gonna do the HBO pilot.

And I've not eaten a single thing.

And I've not had, gosh, quite such a substantial brew.

And it is incredible.

And it was on a land mass called Avalonia

And it's got the face of Michael Sheen.

And just get every little bit out of my teeth,

And just pressing my head onto it.

And learning how to get mobility again.

And let me say this.

And like lollipops,

And my child being healthy, I would absolutely, you know...

And now I'm going to kill some **** under the floor.

And now, from one of Rob's very closest friends...

And of course, they've dissolved into the width

And older women just 'cause, you know,

And parsnip coulis

And photographs. Tremendous.

And physically.

And pitch some of my ideas, and it was really good.

And possibly his bedroom as well.

And show us on the map what the route was,

And sleep well.

And such small portions.

And that it would lend a poetic, romantic frisson

And that will propel you.

And that woman, in all fairness, is probably bereaved.

And that'll take us almost all the way to Cartmel.

And the acid derives from the water,

And the brandy don't... let me finish...

And the features that we're looking at,

And the lamb to follow. Thank you.

And the lollipops are made out of duck fat with peanuts.

And the next "do" is an octave up.

And the soup.

And the wives as well.

And then and only then, sire, go thee to bed.

And then cut down through Oughtershaw,

And then I'll have the pigeon as the main course.

And then on the M56, M6.

And then quickly say hi to my parents.

And then the cod. Lovely. Thank you very much.

And then when I did get off,

And then, then, I... I...

And then, yeah.

And there's a short drive on the A59 to Clitheroe.

And there's a small fee, which I'll split with you 60 40.

And they always say something like,

And they say, you know,

And they want to work with the genius.

And this local barmaid as my duvet.

And thus in joyous mood they hie to Bolton's mouldering Priory.

And we rise at just after day... 7:30, so just after daybreak.

And we'd all follow it, you know?

And we'll have some fun time together, yeah?

And what else? What else babbles?

And when it's not done well, it's very frustrating.

And world famous Malham limestone pavement,

And yet, you know, right now, we're in a warm period,

And you can look at my live video to prove...

And you know what he's doing.

And you sound a bit like Billy Connolly.

And you're in a place, it puts great pressure on your family,

And you're, like, some guy who's, like,

And your chocolate dessert is a warm chocolate fondant,

And your nose is through the gap there like that.

And yours is the nicest.

And, yeah, it's all right.

Anthony Hopkins.

Any award, anything like that.

Anyone ever asks you to go on a haggis hunt,

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Appendicitis.

Are running a celebrity magazine.

Are you all right? Oh, that's all right.

Are you his assistant or...

Are you ready to order?

Are you sad not to be in the picture?

Are you seriously saying that you think the North of England...

Are you seriously saying you were abused as a child

Are you Steve Coogan?

Are you sure?

As a bloody fool.

As a rule, it's more effective if you don't fluff the line.

As I've told you many times before,

As mine.

As sort of a Richard Burton type character.

As stunningly accurate.

As the king of understatement.

As well as a light, creamy horseradish sauce.

As well as baby Jerusalem artichoke.

As well as shredded radishes

As you can see, the sun is now on the other side of the...

As you... look, look. Look how much... look.

Associate that kind of music normally

At an Endeavor meeting, and someone brought my name up,

At dinner parties.

At some of the funny, pithy one liners

At the bottom of those little sacks,

Aye. That was my doing, that was.

Be careful what you say.

Beautiful room.

Beautiful, isn't it, eh?

Beautiful, yeah.

Beautiful, yeah.

Beautiful.

Because behind every little, pithy, vaguely amusing joke

Because he just doesn't listen to me at the moment.

Because I want to take in Bolton Abbey

Because I'd rather have these moments of genius

Because if he is an actor, in Spain, they dub the films,

Because it goes from the terrible to the wonderful.

Because it's late.

Because it's not a problem

Because no one will give those roles to me.

Because sometimes you tend to sort of,

Because that's the very thing I don't do.

Because that's what they were taking at that time,

Because they remember meeting me,

Because we thought we could make love in the bed

Because we're on a break?

Beep!

Beep!

Before he started going on about daffodils.

Before to be garnished with a shredded local seaweed.

Before we went on this trip.

Behind you.

Being cooked in your own juice.

Belonged there. Belonged there.

Between three, it's terrific.

Bit of the Shackleton...

Bloody hell. The waiter could play it.

Blue cheese.

Bob Balaban said, " Never be hot. Always be warm."

Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.

Both: # About things we've gone through #

Both: # Building me a home #

Both: # Does it feel the same #

Both: # Figured it made sense #

Both: # I've played all my cards #

Both: # No self confidence #

Both: # Out on the wild and windy moor #

Both: # Playing by the rules #

Both: # The winner takes it all #

Breakfast.

Brother Rob? Don't call me Brother Rob.

But a lot of them... seek out aggravation.

But also for the man inside,

But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

But do it better or differently.

But don't you find all that exhausting at your age?

But equally, you couldn't play David Frost.

But he can't, 'cause he's brown bread.

But he might make a mess."

But he wrote the lyrics from her point of view.

But how well are you gonna play it?

But I assume it would be something along the lines of:

But I don't think... I don't think it was as accurate

But I have a wonderful range.

But I just don't know any.

But I really... the thing is, is it an actor?

But I think that when you have a headstone

But I thought she was very unreasonable.

But I tolerate him.

But I'd be safe in the knowledge that I could do that,

But I'll let it go.

But I'm only saying that because it's you.

But it's 500 years in the past,

But no penetration.

But not sexually.

But now to bed, unless you are one of those people, like me,

But of course, let's not remember a man who was lost,

But remember, death is but a moment.

But that has changed, and I say that over the years...

But that's not a problem for me, why?

But that's the blink of an eye.

But the features on the surface are, indeed, very famous indeed.

But the phone reception sucks.

But there were more than talks about talks.

But there'll be affection there.

But there's gonna be another ice age very soon,

But there's something very different about it.

But they want to do it with you, okay?

But this was actually formed about 10,000 years ago

But to be young was very heaven."

But would have some discomfort.

But you give me all that.

But you see...

But you wouldn't be able to do it...

But you've got to rein it in during the week.

But, you know, I can't really enjoy it.

But, you know, the gesture is the important thing.

But... I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest.

Buzz. Yes, you can.

By a priest.

By doing impressions

By doing silly voices constantly and not confronting the truth.

By just traditional glaciation.

By some of the broadsheet newspapers.

Bye bye.

Bye bye. Bye bye.

Bye, love. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

Can go take a look at Dove Cottage.

Can share. That's all right.

Can there be any more chocolate?

Can we book another room?

Can we have a knife for the butter, please,

Can we use the sat nav tomorrow?

Can you do that today?

Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me, Greg?

Can you say good bye to Dad?

Can you... can you talk to Joe?

Can't. I got a thing. But...

Careful, you were going to Jimmy Saville then,

Catherine manages to put me on the back foot from "hello."

Check on two covers, lunch menu, please.

Chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan,

Christ.

Coarse base stuff, it dissolves in weak acid,

Coens, calling up.

Coleridge left quite quickly after he moved here,

Coleridge was a poor sleeper.

Coleridge. The opium.

Come back. Wait, come back.

Come on, let's get in.

Come on. Let's head on up.

Come, come, Mr. Bond,

Come, come, Mr. Bond, you derive just as much...

Come, come, Mr. Bond. The winner takes it all.

Come, we shall walk together.

Compared with our good departed friend Rob Brydon.

Concerned about his behavior at their house,

Constructive fun time, all right?

Corrosion.

Could I have the scallops to start, please?

Could I interest you in some rather salacious sort of...

Could you sign this for him?

Couldn't cope with the domesticity of life.

Course I would. Course I would. Yeah.

Covered with a very smooth duck foie gras mousse.

Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction.

Cracking idea.

Cracks in the rock as it lithified.

Cremated him.

Crikey. Crikey. Crikey. Gosh. This is excellent.

Cru?

Cruel, but, I don't know, compelling, I guess, is...

Curled up in his own shit.

Cut to the chase. Cut to the chase.

Definitely.

Denmark. Yeah. I don't like the Danish.

Depends what it is.

Desperate to be taken seriously, aren't you?

Desperately trying to legitimize his life

Did you cement Anglo Polish relations?

Did you not sleep well or something?

Did you?

Do not sleep with my sister.

Do they accommodate you here, or do you have, like...

Do you find as you get older...

Do you find it exhausting looking after a baby?

Do you have... Do you know him in Poland?

Do you know the Abba song The Winner Takes It All?

Do you like taster menus?

Do you like that racist generalized interpretation

Do you mind excusing me?

Do you try for those roles?

Do you want one?

Do you want to have a run, sire, in the morning?

Doctor comes in. Off to hospital.

Doctor Who? What, is it the baddie?

Does he fancy you?

Does that mean you've been with other girls

Does this look good?

Dogs and me.

Don Coogan.

Don Quixote. Yeah?

Don't do that. That's very funny.

Don't know why I'm telling you.

Don't know.

Don't make her like the chef from the Muppets.

Don't make me wait.

Don't say "ah."

Don't touch her.

Don't worry about that.

Don't you ever get cold being bottomless?

Down the B6160 through Kettlewell,

Drinking the wine makes me feel quite sophisticated.

Duck fat lolly. Well, why not?

Dudley and Peter. Peter and Dudley.

Eastern European waitresses up there.

Eh, best actor, Steve.

Eh?

Emma, listen, I'm at the inn at Whitewell.

Enjoy your starters.

Enormous green quaver.

Even though it was meant to intimidate me.

Even though it would be fantastic if you had,

Ever worked with Michael Mann?

Every day I'm there!

Every time I look at that, I want to...

Everybody wants to work with you.

Everything's all right?

Everything's beautiful.

Everything's exhausting at our age.

Everything's exhausting when you're past 40.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Excellent. Let's move on. Good.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Exhausting for everyone.

Fantastic. It's fascinating stuff.

First one, pigeon, lamb encore,

Five summers with the length of five long winters,

Five years have passed.

Followed by duck, lamb encore.

Followed by the lamb.

Food gets stuck in your teeth more?

For a nice ramble, Lyn,

For knowing your children would live a happy, long...

For L'enclume, and basically, with L'enclume,

For me, I was quite withdrawn also.

For the rivers to find a way through.

For the soundtrack for this landscape.

For tomorrow we rise at daybreak.

For work. I just told you.

Four bodies in a morgue. I'm out there every fucking day.

From killing as I do?

From some of his very good art house films

From there, it's a very short hop to Whitewell.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fucking hell.

Fwah.

Gentlemen, have you decided what you'd like?

Gentlemen, to bed, for at daybreak, I will...

Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 8:30 for 9:00,

Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9:30 on the dot.

Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at first light.

Gentlemen, to bed, for we rise at...

Gentlemen, your wines.

Giles Coren in The Times.

Give me a ring, and we'll, you know, we'll get together.

Glorious.

God, you know what?

Going on about the French Revolution.

Golly, that does look nice.

Golly. Thank you.

Good evening.

Good films.

Good, isn't it?

Good.

Good.

Good. Good.

Good. Good.

Good. Good. Yeah, great.

Gosh, to curl up in my basket

Got an iPhone app with that on it now.

Got you a set of crampons too.

Gravity? Where do you stand on that?

Great, so they're beautiful

Great.

Great.

Grew up in the East End of London,

Growing up in New York, and I never thought, you know,

Ha ha. Hey, Matt. How you doing?

Ha ha. It was a hell of a laugh.

Ha ha. Very good.

Hang on. Wait. Wait. Wait. That's not it.

Hang on... a stronger identity than Wales?

Has come down... several octaves.

Have fun.

Have I told you this?

Have you been doing drugs?

Have you been here, around this area for a while, or...

Have you noticed as you get older,

Have you seen Rob Roy? Liam Neeson in a kilt.

Have you... you haven't separated?

Haven't launched it. About to launch it.

He came back, though, didn't he?

He can just go...

He could have turned down the award.

He could have turned down the Oscar if he refused to accept...

He could not realize all"...

He found it very difficult.

He found it very hard to be creative.

He gets very, very specific. It's very like that.

He is a general lover of art and science."

He is brilliant.

He mentioned cooking in their own juices.

He might as well be the guy who comes and does his boiler.

He says... and I learned this, right?

He was a big druggie.

He was drinking last night.

He was his usual self.

He was Swedish.

He wasn't in Abba.

He would come out with on Radio 4 panel shows,

He would have definitely partaken

He would have loved this."

He would, like... probably had opium in here maybe.

He wouldn't have been having a spliff, would he?

He's getting a bit out of hand.

He's got an ironic dessert.

He's interested in the story I did about the bikers

He's living at the council estate

He's not brilliant; he's good. He's solid.

He's probably wearing the crampons now.

He's under there now.

He's up the side of the wardrobe.

Heading towards...

Heat.

Hello, hello, there's method in my madness.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hi.

Her name's Yolanda, by the way.

Here we are. The Yorke Arms.

Here we go.

Hey, are you all right?

Hey, calm it down. All right. Sorry.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, it's me!

Hey, Joe, it's dad.

Hey, Joe. It's Dad.

Hey, listen.

Hey, Rob. Steve.

Hey, wow.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi, Emma.

Hi, Emma. How are you?

Hi, is that Greg?

Hi, Matt.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

His 30th with drugs, and his 40th with food.

His name is William.

His usual self.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hoo.

Hope you get reception again sometime soon.

Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton,

Hotter than I was expecting.

How are you?

How come you've left your black pudding?

How far are we gonna go?

How long have you known him?

How long?

How's Mischa?

How's work? Anything coming up?

Huh?

Human history has been recorded for, what, 3,000 years?

I always think of Coleridge

I am glad you didn't. I admire your restraint.

I am the scallops.

I beat you. I beat you. I beat you.

I called you four times last night.

I can feel my legs. It's a miracle.

I can... you know, if you ever want to see

I can't do anything when you're stuck over there,

I can't get the image of snot out of my head now.

I can't go fast, because Michael Caine...

I caught your work the other day.

I chose a voice to suit the mood.

I could come as well if you want.

I could hire a team of scuba divers to retrieve them,

I could see you perhaps branching out

I couldn't get off 'cause of the food,

I dare say you'd throw away all your awards if it...

I did strain. I did strain.

I directed the whole movie in one go.

I don't believe that you really believe

I don't care what they say about you.

I don't care.

I don't chase them.

I don't dislike it, but I'm never sure about it.

I don't even know what it is,

I don't know how much an octave is.

I don't know why...

I don't know, but I see a guy with something stuck up his ass

I don't know. Five. Five.

I don't know. For a laugh.

I don't know. Maybe before my time maybe.

I don't like being away from you.

I don't run around and chase girls.

I don't run around and go to parties.

I don't think I could muster more than a thimbleful.

I don't think I'll talk to you later, but at some point, okay?

I don't understand that.

I don't want to do British TV.

I don't want to listen to you all the time,

I don't want to listen to you all the time.

I don't work with mainstream Hollywood directors.

I felt Sir Ian, coming, as he does, from Bolton,

I find the song quite moving.

I find the view is very important.

I get a call from P.T. Anderson. I get a call from Wes Anderson.

I get it when I'm stressed.

I give a little wave to you.

I got to go.

I got to have her on the front page right now!

I got to tell you, you're a terrific actor.

I guess I got in at, like, 3:00 or 4:00 maybe.

I guess just a little seating area there

I have a grandson, and he loves that tiny man...

I have owed to them in hours of weariness...

I have owed to them in times of weariness sensations sweet.

I have plenty of self confidence.

I imagine it is.

I just imagined myself pointing my knife upside down

I just like to...

I just naturally don't go to it.

I just never figured I would, you know, and...

I just said, seriously, I don't mind sharing a bit.

I know it is.

I know it's not gonna happen.

I know that that means it's good.

I know that.

I know, honey.

I know, it would have been great,

I know.

I know. I know.

I know. I know. He is, and by default, you are.

I know. It's magical.

I know. That's why I asked you.

I let him off the lead, as it were.

I like him a lot."

I like that as well.

I like the way you laugh at that

I like your work.

I love Mischa, and I want to be with her,

I mean, I was... [stammering]

I mean, I'd be happy to sleep here.

I mean, I'm 41.

I mean, if it was a choice between winning an award

I mean, look, that is incredible.

I mean, Michael almost doesn't have to say the words.

I mean, this is kind of, sort of, you know, outdoorsy.

I mean, you seem to know each other quite well.

I mean... I have to...

I meet women. I charm them. I seduce them.

I met some amazing people, and there's lots of interest.

I met the, um, the editor of Esquire,

I might just, like, tickle you with a knife.

I might stick to the bottom of your pan later.

I miss it. I really miss it.

I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price having a botox.

I never smoked.

I never thought you'd tell me to shush.

I normally go to the toilet.

I play for Benny and Bjorn.

I played Dustin Hoffman.

I pulled you.

I ramble through the hills and occasionally

I ramble.

I refuse to accept that I'm better than Jack Lemmon,

I said, " Knowing my ex wife,

I saw a place when I was coming, very nice.

I say that he used to talk like that.

I sing it for queen and country.

I sometimes get, like, a fluttery heart,

I spoke to your mum.

I suggested he try heroin.

I suppose, you would describe it.

I take a toothpick, go to the toilet,

I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself

I think both Newton John and Coleridge

I think he's, you know, he's interesting.

I think I would like to be buried,

I think it almost is more beautiful in the mist.

I think it does.

I think of him with both a smile

I think of you, and I just let him free.

I think that might be the key to your condition.

I think the answer's probably I still wouldn't, probably.

I think the North had...

I think the pork belly made me a little...

I think three days should be the maximum

I think we should go with that.

I think when they're good, they're really good.

I think you could play it. Of course you could play it.

I think you strained a little bit.

I thought he'd be perfectly suited for here.

I thought it'd

I thought there should have been two rooms booked.

I thought we'd go M1, M6, come off at junction 31,

I thought we'd go up to Dunsop Bridge,

I thought we'd try and avoid the A roads, right,

I thought you said you were going with Mischa.

I thought, " Crikey, is that it? Is it game over?"

I tilt at them.

I told you, I went to this, uh, magazine party,

I told you.

I use my tweezers for this.

I want it now.

I want to be in films,

I want to do mainstream movies.

I want to get back in daylight. We'd better make a move.

I want to see a tree.

I was a daydreamer.

I was having awful dreams, really bad dreams.

I was just with some friends. You know, it was only a drink.

I was reading his poem called The Pains of Sleep.

I was thinking I could take the photographs up in the hills.

I was up there.

I was watching the television in my room, and I said,

I wept as I had been a child."

I will have the rabbit, please,

I will honor you and the restaurant, sir!

I will honor you, sir!

I wish I was. I know the weather is.

I wish you were here.

I won't go into detail,

I wonder... that's autistic savant.

I work with auteurs.

I would happily throw all my awards in a river,

I would just love to do a costume drama in these hills,

I would literally be a man in the box.

I would never do that.

I would remind you of the time I had a Red Bull and Coke.

I would...

I wouldn't have had you down as having a four wheel drive.

I wouldn't wear that in the hills.

I... yeah.

I'd be happy if you, you know...

I'd be there. I'd be there. I'd be at your funeral.

I'd ever become a great comedian, you know?

I'd have to ask Sally.

I'd have to me more, like...

I'd like a vodka martini, shaken, but not stirred.

I'd like to play...

I'd rather be me than you,

I'd rather look at it and appreciate it.

I'd rather that it be a mystery.

I'd throw them in a river.

I'd... I would never stick the knife in.

I'll be about a couple of hours, right?

I'll be honest,

I'll deliver it with a nice bit of understatement.

I'll do plenty of Tom Jones when you're dead.

I'll drink to that.

I'll give you a clue. It's not a Muppet.

I'll go make the tea.

I'll know that you're weaving your magic, as it were.

I'll ring you, okay?

I'll send out a search party. Drive safely.

I'll take those for you.

I'm a tiny bit hurt that he didn't want me to,

I'm an artist.

I'm an excellent director.

I'm breathless with admiration and respect...

I'm cursed to be flawed in my business ventures, but...

I'm doing good, man. How are you?

I'm from the North.

I'm fucking brilliant!

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I'm gonna give another little wave to you.

I'm gonna go do this really interesting piece

I'm happy with either.

I'm in L'enclume.

I'm in the Trough of Bowland.

I'm just gonna de mist the windows, Rob,

I'm just sad about the breakdown.

I'm just saying that I was in it, and I got cut out.

I'm just saying...

I'm just... my chin's okay, right?

I'm like a knight, a knight of old, wandering the land...

I'm looking forward to being home now.

I'm more similar to him.

I'm not a good businessman.

I'm not a junkie, Rob.

I'm not a turn, am I? I inhabit the role.

I'm not annoyed. I just want to look at it.

I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me

I'm not at a level that any human could notice.

I'm not encouraging you to become hooked on heroin.

I'm not gonna spend seven years in the U.S.

I'm not gonna... I don't know.

I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.

I'm not with Mischa. I'm with Rob Brydon.

I'm not.

I'm not. No. I'm 44.

I'm not. Why would I do that?

I'm on wireless.

I'm really sorry, sir, but the last admission is 5:00.

I'm really sorry, sir, but these are the rules.

I'm saying that it can be hard to have a big success.

I'm sorry, but we're fully booked tonight, sir.

I'm sorry, Rob.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I messed up.

I'm Steve.

I'm stuck in a box. What are you doing?

I'm sure people think we're gay.

I'm telling you something useful about what's made this...

I'm the small man stuck in a box.

I'm thinking about it. I was thinking it through.

I'm trapped in a box.

I'm very consistent with my maintenance, Rob.

I'm very good. Are you all right?

I'm very impressed with that.

I'm very nearby, yeah.

I'm with a short Welsh man who does impressions.

I'm... we're just in the Trough of Bowland

I've always liked maps.

I've asked other people, but they're all too busy,

I've been 41 for three years.

I've been absolutely silent all the way up here.

I've been telling people I'm 41 for three years.

I've been to Four Weddings and a Funeral recently,

I've been up since half past 5:00 with Chloe,

I've done ten.

I've got an albatross around my neck,

I've got darker stuff. That's fine.

I've got kids.

I've got proper walking gear.

I've got, you know, crampons.

I've had one of his friend's parents call me

I've had to put up with this all week.

I've just been to do an Italian Job

I've love to quote your own stuff back at you,

I've missed you.

I've never eaten a shellfish broth before.

I've not fucking finished.

I've not heard your Michael Caine,

I've printed out some reviews...

If I can avoid it.

If I sort of do this Hugh Grant, might that sort of...

If it goes, it's seven years.

If it goes, you're a household name.

If Michael did it, people would go,

If only to pad out the numbers, you know.

If push came to shove,

If that's all right with you.

If they buried you or cremated you,

If they'd have been around.

If you break your leg, don't come running to me.

If you could exchange them

If you got up this morning and said the poem

If you haven't heard anything from me in five days,

If you learned that poem, which I appreciate,

If you need anybody to carry your bags around.

If you need anything, we'll be in reception.

If you really want to pay tribute to him,

If you want to go visit, I'll take you there.

If you were to allow your child to have an illness,

If you work hard and... you know...

Imagine that, eh? It's a lovely thought, isn't it?

In a manner of speaking.

In a way, yes.

In about, say, another 3,000 years,

In case you wanted to draw a parallel there.

In fact, I was rather hoping

In fact, I'd go as far as to say there was an historic accord.

In my scallops.

In one of the tourist shops around here.

In the 1960s, right?

In the atmosphere, and then the rain falls

In the back of the voice,

In the Batman movies and in Harry Brown...

In the hope that he sniffs up something interesting.

In which case, stay awhile by the fire,

In Xanadu.

In your own voice and meant the words.

Incredible, isn't it?

Industrial Revolution,

Initially as a painkiller, but then perhaps he would...

Into more action roles.

Into the garden.

Is a bit like snot, but it tastes great.

Is a cry for help.

Is another room under the name "Brydon"?

Is because he wrote the words for her to sing

Is it?

Is that how it is for you?

Is that why you went to bed early last night,

Is that written down?

Is there such a thing as an autistic impressionist?

Is true, what I read about you?

It doesn't get much better.

It gets very specific.

It has as much of an identity as Wales.

It is only open for another half an hour,

It is, yes.

It is.

It is. I know. It's true.

It means "long valley" in Viking.

It means just the same note, but an octave higher.

It might be huge to you.

It reminds me of The Princess and the Pea.

It sounds like you are.

It was a lovely poem.

It was a photo shoot for Time Out.

It was a shock to all of us when he started performing.

It was a very un cynical kind of music.

It was five years ago.

It was great.

It was nice.

It was probably not a moving violation."

It was the most fun I've had without laughing.

It would have been the perfect place to do it,

It's 2010. Everything's been done before.

It's a bit of a warren here.

It's a bit presumptuous that he's saying

It's a bit too bright.

It's a chocolate inverted comma.

It's a different Bolton, Rob.

It's a good time for you, you know?

It's a good time to be Steve Coogan.

It's a job.

It's a little like haggis.

It's a metaphor!

It's a premier. That's good. It's the first of something.

It's a shellfish broth made out of mussel, clams, cockles,

It's a very beautiful field.

It's a very nice view.

It's about the journey.

It's about, oh, 12:00?

It's all a dream.

It's all right, but the relationship's purely platonic.

It's all right.

It's all right. They don't mind. They love it.

It's annoying you that I know about...

It's average size to me.

It's beautiful.

It's called...

It's called... let me give you the info here.

It's creamy.

It's extraordinary skill.

It's for The Observer Magazine.

It's frigging cold.

It's going really well, I think.

It's good to have mystery about these things.

It's good.

It's got to be...

It's got... it is a bit...

It's great. It's great. I mean, yeah... yeah.

It's in limbo, you know? It's in limbo.

It's in today's newspaper. Here, look.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

It's just like my comedy.

It's just... it's all...

It's kind of a tour, tour of the North,

It's like a... It's like a Turner painting.

It's like the tortoise and the hare, all right?

It's like... I can't believe it's happening.

It's like... where we are now,

It's lovely. Delicious.

It's me.

It's nice to, you know, nice to get an offer like that.

It's nice. It's nice.

It's not a metaphor! Fuck.

It's not about the destination.

It's not as big as yours, but, yeah.

It's not expected.

It's not fun.

It's not good if you're on a date.

It's not looking...

It's not mine.

It's not quite nasal enough

It's okay. Nothing to worry about.

It's okay. We don't... I'm not asking you to do that.

It's one of the most enjoyable periods of my life.

It's pretty high, isn't it?

It's really bad.

It's really gorgeous,

It's really horrible. It's really unpleasant.

It's so early, shouting like that.

It's something that we enjoyed a long time ago.

It's Steve Coogan. Hey. [laughs]

It's terrible.

It's terrific to meet you.

It's the aristocratic way.

It's the sort of place you'd shoot a Miss Marple.

It's too dangerous.

It's very nice to meet you.

It's very nice.

It's your lucky day.

It's, like... it's familiar...

It's, uh, it's 12:00, your time.

It's... isn't that beautiful, that?

It's... they've offered me a lead in a drama.

Just because of the light.

Just get your lowest note.

Just having a bit of fun.

Just leaping, vaulting over dry stone walls with a scabbard.

Just saying what a lovely house it is.

Just see if she mentions anything.

Just take that for you.

Just to say I've thought it over,

Just wanted to have a chat, you know, see what's happening.

Ladies and gentlemen... [shushing]

Las Vegas? What are you going there for?

Leave my sister alone.

Leave my sister out of it, all right?

Leave the window like that so I don't get too hot.

Let him run round the car park

Let me finish.

Let me finish.

Let me get two tickets for Dove Cottage.

Let me up the stakes.

Let's face it.

Let's move on.

Let's remember the other side of Rob,

Like a martini, shaken... not stirred.

Like I've got nothing else to offer.

Like in Rain Man?

Like it's not a possibility.

Like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible II.

Like, an arrhythmic heartbeat, and I've got it now.

Like, we all know what a lolly is...

Like, Wuthering Heights...

Listen, have I met Yolanda before?

Listen, I think I'm gonna have a line.

Listen, it's do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do,

Listen, listen, I've got to go.

Listen, well, let's just speak later, okay?

Listen, why don't you stop for lunch?

Listen... look...

Literally and metaphorically.

Little oven. "Four" is French for "oven."

Locked.

Look a bit like that guy off Top Gear.

Look after mummy. Give me a kiss.

Look at that. Very big.

Look at the time. Got to go, Steve.

Look into my eyes.

Look, if you couldn't get me, I was...

Look, the reason I was doing this trip

Looks not unlike yourself in that picture.

Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt about it!"

Love you. Bye.

Lovely day.

Lovely place to grow up, you know?

Lovely.

Lyn, Lyn, where are my crampons?

Make sure all the other hotels have got separate rooms, right?

Making a joke, yeah.

Malham Cove, it's in many, many textbooks.

Man from being ex prison admiral...

Maybe you want to see it?

Meanwhile,

Mel Gibson coming over the hill.

Michael Caine.

Michael Sheen couldn't do what you do.

Michael Sheen couldn't play Alan Partridge.

Michael Sheen couldn't play Pauline Calf.

Michael Sheen is very good.

Mischa can't come, and I don't want to go alone.

Mischa thought it would be good.

Misty moor, really, but, you know...

Mm hmm.

Mm, sorry.

Mm, that's me.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm!

Mmm. That's fantastic.

Mmm. What's yours like?

More heat in the chili sauce.

Most creative... the most creative people smoke, you know,

Moved on now?

Mr. Brydon?

Must be exhausting, keeping all this going all the time.

My back.

My career is not mediocre.

My dad would plan the route, you know,

My gums.

Mystery. Mystery. But that's good.

Nah.

Napkins like God.

Needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Neither Matt nor his assistant are here to answer your call.

Never done that before.

Next Monday.

Nice image, rabbit following a lamb.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice.

No riposte from you, 'cause you're dead.

No way.

No, but you...

No, do an octave up.

No, family's more... of course it is.

No, he wouldn't, but I mean, if they'd been around...

No, he's the man who comes and does my boiler.

No, I can't...

No, I don't either. I don't care.

No, I don't like you being away from me.

No, I don't.

No, I know. Not at the moment, but...

No, I like humor. I like levity. I like brevity.

No, I said I was thinking of going with Rob.

No, I'm just saying, if it did...

No, I'm sorry, but if you go along the lake,

No, it's like that.

No, it's part of its charm.

No, no, I don't.

No, no, I enjoyed it a lot.

No, no, it's a rough approximation.

No, no, no, the other one.

No, none of that. Heavy petting.

No, of course not.

No, really, I enjoyed making love last night.

No, sir! No, sir! I shall not, ah!

No, that's autistic.

No, that's been done.

No, that's Emma.

No, the family's more important.

No, there's no beautiful Northern waitresses.

No, they never leave at, you know, 9:30.

No, they're gonna corrode, but if I threw them in a river,

No, well aware of it.

No, you fool, crampons.

No, you know, hearing the eulogies.

No, you sound like a submarine clearing its throat.

No, you went up at the end like you watch Australian soaps.

No, you're not the same as him.

No, you're right.

No?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. God, no. That was ages ago. No.

No. I don't know. I don't know.

No. No Brydons. Sorry.

No. No, Mischa's my girlfriend.

No. No.

No. No. No.

No. What? Do...

Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne, all of them.

Not a connoisseur, are you, with food?

Not a lot of people know...

Not a lot of people...

Not gonna finish there, are you?

Not only the longitudinal ones, the east west ones, same thing,

Not the sea.

Not this long.

Now I'm left having to share a room with Rob for the night.

Now it'ssss hissstory.

Now you sound like the Nazis from Inglourious Basterds.

Now, listen, you take care of yourself.

Oak. Nice oak.

Odd, 'cause you were executive producer on a lot of it.

Of course you could be called Rob.

Of course. Of course we read.

Of his early impressions."

Of Spanish?

Of stole and doublet, hood and scarf,

Of what life is.

Oft in lonely rooms 'mid the din of towns and cities

Oh, all right.

Oh, beautiful. Yeah.

Oh, bye.

Oh, candlewick bedspread? That's not very sexy.

Oh, Christ, I better be careful what I say.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, Christ's sakes.

Oh, Christ's sakes.

Oh, dear me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Don Coogan.

Oh, don't run it.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God.

Oh, great. Oh, that's good.

Oh, hey. Look at that.

Oh, hiya. How are you?

Oh, I hope not.

Oh, I really wanted to go there.

Oh, it was very nice indeed, yeah.

Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, Jesus, Steve.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my stomach's really hurt. Where's Dad?"

Oh, no, you are. I would never say anything.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. All right. Bye.

Oh, Richard Hammond?

Oh, right. Okay, yes. A lone walker.

Oh, shit. I'm late.

Oh, so I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?

Oh, sorry. I thought I pressed it.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, that's excellent.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. You're considerably taller.

Oh, that's total rubbish.

Oh, there he is straightaway. Look. Hall of fame.

Oh, they... okay.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, very nice. Very beige.

Oh, we thought she'd be coming with you.

Oh, well, it did stick to the bottom of the pan a bit...

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Thank you very much.

Oh, wow. Thank you very much. Look at that.

Oh, Wuthering Heights. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Australian girl.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yes, please do. I love you.

Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar.

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Oh, you just got up?

Oh, you may also know Steve

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Hello, there we are.

Okay, bye, bye, bye.

Okay, bye. Bye.

Okay, can you get phone reception around here?

Okay, do an octave up.

Okay, good. That all sounds great.

Okay, I will do that today.

Okay, I'll be on my way.

Okay, I'll leave you to it.

Okay, I'll stay here.

Okay, it's about me. I didn't realize, but carry on.

Okay, it's just up here, and I looked at all the rooms,

Okay, listen, I'll be back soon,

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

Okay, ready? One, two...

Okay, service. Table six, scallops.

Okay, so this is room number 7.

Okay, we'll do that. Thanks for the call then.

Okay, who's this? Ready? Who's this?

Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

Okay, you play a pathologist.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. I'll try and sort this out.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

Okay. All right. Yeah.

Okay. Hey, uh, uh, well, I miss you.

Okay. How's the trip?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Well... hang on. A photographer?

Okay. You sure you don't want one?

Old people, at some time... not all old people,

Older women seem more attractive to you?

Olivia Newton John's version of Xanadu.

On all the other latecomers.

On every plate."

On prostitutes in Vegas,

On the dot.

On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu,

Once you've achieved greatness, to match that.

One of the most delightful homecomings I've ever enjoyed.

One tuna away, please.

One. One. I do one.

Only dogs could detect my hurt.

Only verbally.

Onto the limestone, which is calcium carbonate.

Ooh, and a daughter. She's a bonnie lass.

Or anything weird.

Or Bolton Abbey, going on about Bolton Abbey.

Or I try to avoid foods that get lodged in your teeth, 'cause...

Or its modern day equivalent.

Oscar, best actor.

Other stimulants supplied the place"...

Other way around, what if...

Over sort of hundreds of million years.

Pacino. De Niro. Michael Mann.

Pass the time somehow.

Perfect.

Perhaps you could come back tomorrow.

Periodically, he would come back and visit, uh huh.

Petit four. Why are they called petit fours?

Please leave Matt a message,

Please, Christ.

Please? We've come from London.

Possibly laudanum,

Premier Cru.

Premier Cru.

Premier, first, the best.

Probably more than anything else in the last 200 years.

Probably sell it for about 25 quid

Put a little bed down there,

Quit while you're ahead, you know?

Quite tomato y.

Rainwater which combines with carbon dioxide

Rather appropriately, Greg, I'm in a trough,

Rather optimistic to say they're resting.

Really appreciate you doing this.

Really good. Really good.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really...

Reminds me of the kind of place where,

Restaurant I would easily promise to honor and obey!

Restaurant tour, really good restaurants.

Revealing the crack, the gap, between the tooth and the gum.

Richard Burton.

Right, 12:00.

Right, and did we do something afterwards?

Right, but nowadays, he's...

Right, Doctor Who are very keen again.

Right, I'm gonna call Emma and get to the bottom of this.

Right, now, this is how he sounds now.

Right, okay, well, it's five past.

Right, ready, here's a clue. This might give it to you.

Right, this is how Michael Caine speaks.

Right.

Right. I don't do impressions.

Right. Okay.

Right. Okay.

Right. Okay. Where is he from?

Right. Okay. Yeah.

Right. Why me?

Right. Yeah.

Road wearing and all the rest of it,

Rob Brydon off the telly.

Rob Brydon, Small Man in a Box.

Rob was an interesting guy,

Rob, Steve's here.

Rob?

Rob?

Rob's being, you know, sort of a pain in the ass,

Rob's the substitute girlfriend.

Roger Moore. Kenneth Moore.

Rolling from their mountain springs with soft inland murmur.

Say good bye. Are you gonna wave?

See that strikes me as odd, that a man at our age

See that there?

See that?

See ya.

See ya.

Sex without love is an empty experience,

Shaken, but not stirred.

Shaken, but not stirred.

Shaken, not stirred.

Shaken, not stirred.

Shall I leave you in room 15 and move Mr. Brydon into 7, or...

Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Wayne?

She might say...

She thought it would be useful in the Lake District,

She told me what happened the other night.

She was lovely.

She was only 15 years old.

She was only 15 years old.

She was only 15 years old.

She was only 15... listen to the sound of the voice.

She was only 15... She was only 15 years old.

She was only 16 years old. She was only 16...

She wasn't being like anything.

She's gonna meet you at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

She's in America at the moment, yeah.

She's passionate about food. She loves food.

She's the food buff.

She's the food... she's a very confident foodie,

Should be a reservation under the name "Coogan."

Should it go the other way.

Show her a piece of me.

Shut up.

Shut up. Don't tell me how to act.

Singing an octave up with you would be a pleasure.

Sir Ian McKellan.

Sleep the sleep of 1,000 martyrs.

Sleep well, my brother.

Sleep well, my brother.

Sleep well, my sister, but please,

Sleep well, my sister.

Sleep with my sister.

Small man in a box?

Small man in the box that you do.

Small man stuck in a box.

Smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

So are there lots of pretty Northern waitresses up there?

So are you friends or...

So do you think I could play Heathcliff?

So get your ass back here.

So give me a call when you can, right?

So have you made a decision about America?

So he was the only man looking after all these children

So he, you know, he had to...

So how has the trip been so far?

So how long have you worked here?

So how was he?

So I had to pop to the loo,

So I need you to talk to him,

So I really...

So I thought we'd take the B5278

So I'm just, you know... I'm just with him.

So if the phone begins to move,

So is it all over?

So is this all right? Look okay?

So Robert Southey had his wife and Coleridge's wife

So that can get embarrassing.

So that I have a headstone, like Elvis,

So they get... "Oh, my stomach.

So they're picking clothes.

So this is it, just kind of, you know...

So this was Coleridge's study.

So we leave about 8:00, 8:30?

So what should we do?

So what we'll have at the base of the dish,

So what's your name?

So yes, I live nearby.

So you and Rob, do you work a lot together or...

So you could learn that poem?

So you'll know that it started off life in the Bahamas

So your next course is what we call the Humphrey's pool.

So, you know, do you want to come?

So...

Some of the characters.

Somebody get me out of here.

Somebody will shout that out. One of my Welsh relatives.

Someone overheard Nick Stevens

Something about him that seemed unable to confront

Sometimes you can get it outside.

Somewhere around that sort of line of latitude

Sorry, I didn't realize we were into Oprah Winfrey territory.

Sorry, that's... Can I take this?

Sorry, we only have one double room for you.

Sorry, you derive just as much

Sort of, you know, escape.

Sound like a Scouse submarine.

Soup of the day. Can't go wrong.

South of the equator.

Speaking of boiled eggs,

Spending a lot of time over there, though.

Standing on a grave. Sorry.

Steve Coogan.

Steve Coogan.

Steve Coogan. Hey, man.

Steve!

Steve.

Still be romantic, just the two of us.

Still running around, going to parties and chasing girls...

Stop talking.

Such an ass.

Supernova moments.

Sure?

Sure. Yeah.

Tackled the subject of Xanadu with varying degrees of success.

Take care, and behave.

Taken you for a fool.

Talk of battles past and old,

Talks... very... very... slowly.

Tastes of a childhood garden.

Tea for the troops.

Terrible.

Than a lifetime of mediocrity.

Than Peter Sellers,

Than whoever else the other one was.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Brother Rob.

Thank you, Brother Rob.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Lovely.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

That actually puts everything in perspective.

That Coleridge slept in and made love in

That drifted from the South Pole all the way to where we are now

That have been very well reviewed

That he actually had sent any money back,

That I ate in my two visits."

That I couldn't play David Frost.

That I stay away for.

That is an open invitation.

That is how he talks now. Right?

That is where you are so wrong,

That kind of, like, good girls gone bad Vegas style story.

That looks lovely. What is that?

That my children are healthy, that I am healthy so...

That really pisses me off when you do that

That she has no self confidence.

That was lovely. Really nice.

That was when he was younger,

That we see today, as have the...

That you would have preferred

That you're a bit of a cunt.

That's 'cause there's risk involved.

That's a big piece of popcorn, isn't it?

That's a bit weird. Rob.

That's a disgusting idea.

That's a shiver down my arms whenever I hear that...

That's about, on horseback, about three hours or something.

That's all good sport.

That's all I'm saying.

That's amazing.

That's an octave up from the first "do."

That's an octave up.

That's been done before.

That's good.

That's heroin.

That's how you started, didn't you, Steve?

That's more important than any work,

That's nice, yeah.

That's nice. It's like...

That's not a daughter. That's our Steven.

That's not very much.

That's not what Coleridge would have been imbibing.

That's not... that's...

That's okay. I don't need to know.

That's right, yeah. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah.

That's the drugs.

That's the problem.

That's the trouble with you, Rob.

That's true.

That's what I'll say at your funeral.

That's what I've chosen

That's what you've done too.

That's Wordsworth, I think,

That's... yeah. A place called Howarth.

The backpack makes it harder.

The bathroom is just over there.

The bathroom's through there.

The bells ring loud with gladsome power.

The Bronte sisters' house, it's not so far.

The Cheverny and the Chablis Premier Cru.

The consistency is a bit like...

The Don.

The dream is happening right now.

The fields are gay

The food here is terrible,

The good news is, I've found the M1.

The job with the guy, you know, and the...

The limestone was too frozen for the...

The long features on the surface are the rillenkaren.

The most important thing to me is that I have...

The North could be a different country.

The North has an identity of itself.

The only disadvantage with limestone,

The only thing that babbles is a brook.

The Port Talbot four.

The reality of life, and so when I think of Rob,

The reason that song has so much pain

The red's just for safety reasons, really.

The Rob Brydon the entertainer,

The Rob Brydon who gave some levity to our life

The rocks here were formed 400 million years ago.

The Scotts, Tony and Ridley,

The stars as my canopy,

The sun shines bright.

The thing about sat nav is, you don't where you're...

The traveler returns.

The very first railway in the world in Manchester,

The water would find tributaries and sort of...

The way you're doing it, all right?

The winner takes it all, Mr. Bond.

The Yorkshire Dales.

The... well, getting on the M60 clockwise

Their days of resting have been and gone.

Then I should be very happy for you to...

Then off at junction 36 a bit further up,

Then the B6265 through Grassington to Pateley Bridge,

Then up to Ramsgill from there, right?

Then when we get to Rydal,

Then, of course, with this one,

There are cottages for the staff at the main house,

There is something very attractive about him.

There was a lot of heat in my scallops.

There was a summit in my bedroom.

There was something about him that was lost,

There was something...

There we are, gentlemen.

There we go.

There we go. Come on. Up you jump.

There we have some little canapes to begin with

There you go.

There's a bathroom there with lots of marble, so...

There's a lot of bumpy roads up there.

There's a taboo.

There's bells ringing all over the place here.

There's no signal here. What do I do?

There's no signal here. You won't get a signal.

There's only a kind of candlewick bedspread between...

There's only one room.

There's road works all the way from junction 24 to 27.

There's, like, a little study area,

These linear features, begun as, basically,

These restaurants that you've picked are great places,

They are dead.

They are resting on grilled baby gem

They are water solution holes known as rundkarren.

They call it Xanadu.

They gave me an assignment in Las Vegas.

They said it was delicious.

They used to think this was a collapsed cave,

They want to do a movie together.

They want to do a thing with you where it's, like, the future,

They were always the funny ones, weren't they?

They would both suit me fine.

They'd always... their expressions would really match...

They'll be doing the floral dance.

They're all auteurs.

They're all Spanish or Polish or from somewhere.

They're gonna pay for everything,

They're stupid.

They've got hats and backpacks.

Think I'm a little old to play him, but I'd like to.

This is a huge bed. We could easily share this bed.

This is a wild and windy moor.

This is Bernard, me dad. This is Rob.

This is delightful.

This is Hazlett on Coleridge.

This is it. This is it.

This is just...

This is Langdale.

This is lovely. This is fantastic.

This is Mischa.

This is Mr. Brydon.

This is Steve calling

This is Yolanda, the photographer.

This is your room, sir.

This is... well, this is...

This looks lovely.

This magazine launch.

This was a huge volcanic caldera.

This was a volcanic lake of molten volcano,

This, just pickax handles.

This, like, dead look in my eyes

Those look all right, you know.

Though I admit, killing you...

Though it's hurting me, now it's history.

Though it'ssss herding me...

Three.

Three. I don't know...

Three. Three.

Through Abbeystead, get on the M6 at junction 33,

Through caverns measureless to man down to a soundless sea.

Through the nose. Through the nose.

Tintern Abbey, Wales.

To bed, for we rise at daybreak!

To bed. Tomorrow we rise. We leave at 10:00 ish.

To begin with, we have a nice little appetizer.

To do... what are you gonna write about?

To go away?

To our congress.

To remind you about the photographer.

To some extent, that's correct.

To talk about his friend Rob.

Tomorrow we battle, and we may lose our lives,

Tomorrow we shall have breakfast.

Topped with a fizz which is made out of ginger beer

Try and do it real.

Tuna followed by the cod, please.

Two... Pavarotti struggles to do five.

Ugh.

Uh, is she your assistant?

Uh, it may be under his name, Brydon.

Uh, no, thank you.

Uh, whoever said that doesn't know me very well.

Uh...

Uh... listen, are you free next week

Uh... no?

Uh... well, don't know, really.

Um, firmly. On terra firma.

Um...

Um...

Um... I don't like artichoke. I should just say that.

Um... yes, I think I would.

Und that's what you've done too.

Up Helvellyn.

Up there.

Up through the Trough of Bowland,

Very different. Very interesting.

Very entertaining, and yet, at the same time,

Very funny,

Very good.

Very good.

Very good. Very good. Very impressive.

Very interesting.

Very much alive

Very nice indeed, yeah.

Very nice indeed.

Very well.

Victor Lewis Smith.

Wachowskis, both of them want to work with you.

Wake up. Smell the coffee, all right?

Wandered lonely as a cloud.

Want some?

Was that good news?

Was there a lot of alcohol in your garden as a child?

Was to bring Mischa along.

Was violated in the street.

We both missed you.

We couldn't have done that the way that Michael does it.

We couldn't play those parts.

We couldn't. We couldn't. We're not the same.

We don't think... well, there isn't very much evidence

We just wondered if we could pop inside

We need to get some sort of a system going, you know,

We rise at daybreak.

We shall rise at 9:00, and we shall head off tomorrow morning.

We should have done this a lot when he was alive,

We shouldn't probably go much further

We talked about it in the office, remember?

We thought it would be Deborah or Martin, you know.

We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall

We were taking a break, so, you know, what do you expect?

We will breakfast.

We'd better make a move.

We'll be very quick.

We're different animals.

We're going through a bit of a hiatus.

We're gonna take the A591 up to Keswick.

We've got a goat cheese mousse and a globe artichoke puree,

We've got the liqueur made out of the mallow leaves

Well, actually...

Well, broadsheet journalists have described my impressions

Well, don't you find it exhausting,

Well, he did become addicted to it.

Well, he is funny, isn't he?

Well, he is when he does that, isn't he?

Well, how much is an octave?

Well, I can't leave you in the car.

Well, I mean, all you need is...

Well, I mean, it could.

Well, I was in my own little world, you know,

Well, I'll go on the sofa if you want, if it's...

Well, I'll take over when you're...

Well, I'm really sorry.

Well, it tastes of tomatoes.

Well, it would mean

Well, it's difficult, you know,

Well, it's got a bit of alcohol in it, so it tastes...

Well, it's hot in Hollywood. I'll tell you that.

Well, it's none of my business,

Well, let's go here. Let's get some breakfast here.

Well, look, I'll sign this for William, okay, if...

Well, Mischa is unavailable.

Well, no, the modern day equivalent of that,

Well, on occasions.

Well, Steve, guess what.

Well, that is a honey trap for morsels of food.

Well, that's handy.

Well, that's... because I got stuck in traffic.

Well, the Farrelly brothers want to work with you, okay?

Well, the land mass was part of Avalonia.

Well, there's a phone resting on him as well,

Well, they're wrong.

Well, this is lovely.

Well, this is what I would wear if I was,

Well, we should push on, really.

Well, what if you become a good girl gone bad?

Well, where did you read that?

Well, which is the one you liked?

Well, why don't you do the sort of roles that he does?

Well, yeah, because I inhabit the role, sir.

Well, yeah.

Well, yeah.

Well, yes, but...

Well, you can stay with Mischa, can't you?

Well, you could, but it'd be a bit rubbish.

Well, you know where I am. You can come see me anytime.

Well, you know, I got down to the last two for Peter Sellers.

Well?

Well?

Well...

Well...

Were you an altar boy?

What are you doing? Honestly.

What are you showing me?

What can I say?

What do you got?

What do you mean it's not gonna happen?

What do you mean? I'm just... what do you mean?

What do you read about me?

What do you say?

What do you think is gonna happen?

What do you think? What do you think?

What is that, a sonar?

What is that?

What other latecomers? I can't see anyone.

What route are you taking?

What time is it?

What time is the battle?

What would have been really nice is if you got up this morning...

What, cremated him?

What, do you think I'm gonna go to Las Vegas

What, for having an ill child? Of course not.

What, I mean...

What, Jeremy Clarkson?

What, so I'm a tortoise?

What, that's...

What, they dub the films?

What, to launch an iPhone app with your...

What?

What?

What?

What's happening with that editing thing,

What's happening? What's happening?

What's his name?

What's Rob's room like?

What's that?

What's the problem, anyway?

What's the weather like in Steve Coogan land?

When he gets very emotional indeed.

When he gets very emotional,

When he was 35."

When I went back home.

When is it?

When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed!

When Mischa was gonna come with me originally,

When we would go on holiday as kids,

When you say it, just don't caricature it.

When you were an altar boy?

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Where are you now?

Where are you?

Where do you go from there?

Where exactly are you at the moment?

Where have you been?

Where?

Where?

Where... why isn't she here?

Where'd you go?

Which are baby queen scallops.

Which are cooked in their own juices

Which had joined onto Laurasia, of course,

Which is a bit tricky.

Which is the better room?

Which revolutionized the world

Which would have been brilliant,

Who can forget his Tom Jones impression?

Who can forget that?

Who finds it very hard to get off after he's eaten cheese,

Who's too uptight to let go.

Whoa! Look at that!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Why are we going so early?

Why are we listening to this?

Why are we self catering?

Why aren't we using sat nav?

Why didn't you come earlier?

Why do people have to be like that?

Why do they do that? They always rise at daybreak.

Why do you do that, eh? Why?

Why do you have to do it in that voice?

Why don't you review the food and say,

Why have you brought tampons? That's not what I said.

Why'd you have to do it in Ian McKellan's voice?

Will you be buried, or will you be cremated?

Will you sign that?

Will you stay, or will you go?

Will... I've still not finished.

With a big lump of chicken stuck inside of one of your molars.

With a duet of tapioca based crackers, spiced popcorn,

With an urban landscape.

With deep fried globe artichoke leaves

With Hannah and Her Sisters.

With people in their best array

With whiskey as well as chili.

Without being clever.

Without the bum.

Women are my windmills.

Women in general.

Wonderful.

Would be perfectly suited...

Would be thinking about trying to kiss girls.

Would start to melt, and normally,

Would you be up for a bit of...

Would you come to my funeral? Would you turn up, do you think?

Would you do something for me?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. It's very nice.

Wow. Wow. I was up there.

Wuthering Heights.

Xaaaanadu.

Xanadu.

Yeah, "fwah." Thank you.

Yeah, all right. That's not the point.

Yeah, and I'd rather you didn't explain.

Yeah, and I'll bring my parents out to look at you,

Yeah, and Michael Sheen gets them all.

Yeah, and they're all geniuses,

Yeah, and you'll always imagine,

Yeah, big, open face. Happy faces.

Yeah, but I'm just sharing a bit of information.

Yeah, but it gets you there the quickest way.

Yeah, but why... it's not my fault her husband's dead.

Yeah, bye.

Yeah, for the photos for the article.

Yeah, he's a, you know, he's a good friend.

Yeah, he's just trying to be funny.

Yeah, he's...

Yeah, I do recognize him now.

Yeah, I got a missed call.

Yeah, I had a really late night.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I miss you too.

Yeah, I miss you too.

Yeah, I miss you.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Yeah, I was just phoning

Yeah, I'm at the fancy schmancy restaurant.

Yeah, I'm aware of, you know...

Yeah, I've got a TV series in America possibly, so...

Yeah, if I want to pick my... what I do is,

Yeah, if it gets to three, then mountain rescue.

Yeah, is Mischa with you? Is she enjoying it?

Yeah, it's called Pathological.

Yeah, it's on my itinerary.

Yeah, it's open.

Yeah, it's the Yorkshire Moors.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, listen, do us a favor, would you?

Yeah, Michael Sheen.

Yeah, no, we do read.

Yeah, no, you're a real method actor.

Yeah, not the same way that Wales does.

Yeah, see you tomorrow. All right.

Yeah, that's it. Bye.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, there's been none of that on the trip.

Yeah, we're very fortunate today.

Yeah, well, not sure about that, but anyway...

Yeah, well, same word.

Yeah, well, that sounds a bit like I'm lonely.

Yeah, well, yeah, listen, you're the one who said

Yeah, well, yeah.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, whereas you are widely regarded

Yeah, you get momentum when you're going downhill.

Yeah, you look nice, yeah.

Yeah, you were always the quiet one, weren't you?

Yeah?

Yeah? All good? Chloe okay?

Yeah? Who'd you meet? Who was interesting?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Cheers.

Yeah. That's such a long time.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. I will do that today.

Yeah... yes.

Yep.

Yes, and you're not a...

Yes, but not in the same way as...

Yes, captain.

Yes, did you see I did on my face?

Yes, he's an actor.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I know, but that really wouldn't be fair

Yes, I was.

Yes, it is.

Yes, none of this "Mr. Coogan" nonsense.

Yes, please.

Yes, she's... yes, she's... yes, she is, yeah.

Yes, that would be lovely.

Yes, we have.

Yes, well, it's as broad as it's long, isn't it?

Yes, who's having scallops?

Yes, yes,

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes. I can hear you.

Yes, you did, and on that count,

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Mission accomplished.

Yes. Oh, I know that.

Yockenthwaite, Buckden,

Yolanda, did... have we met before?

Yolanda, do you know who that is?

You all right with the... you all right with your bags?

You and me both.

You are my brother,

You can have some reception there.

You can say whatever you want,

You can say, "I would bring him in,

You can't do that.

You can't go wrong around this area.

You can't paint that.

You can't treat your entire life like a Radio 4 panel show.

You chose not to be.

You could bring me a lemonade and a packet of crisps,

You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?

You could have a film BAFTA if...

You could have been here with me.

You could have written for the show,

You could say that.

You could take her round and show her the gun crime sites.

You could win, say, a BAFTA.

You could write about it.

You derive just as much pleasure from killing

You derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

You didn't call me back.

You do.

You don't have to share a bed tonight.

You don't mind... do you mind coming to say...

You don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to try and go and kiss a girl

You emailed me, asked me to call.

You enjoy playing all your cards just as much as I do.

You enjoy singing an octave just as much as I do.

You get just as much of...

You get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

You get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

You get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

You get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

You get yourself off to Noddington,

You gonna change your clothes?

You have got co lead in a drama series.

You have no sense of geography.

You have to, all right?

You just need one film, Steve,

You know about the limestone a wee bit

You know it's physically impossible?

You know Steve? You seen Steve lately?

You know the other thing they never say is...

You know what it's doing?

You know what that means?

You know when someone dies and they go to the funeral

You know where I am right now? I'm in a field.

You know where that was written?

You know, before I became Commander James Bond,

You know, crank it up a bit.

You know, enjoy yourself at the weekend.

You know, genuinely out walking.

You know, I was actually in that film?

You know, it's kind of enjoyable.

You know, it's like I keep telling you,

You know, it's not like down south, Rob.

You know, just punched...

You know, sex between two people is a wonderful thing.

You know, the North,

You know, they tell me... I hear my ex wife

You like cream, then you'll be happy.

You look like you're recovering from a stroke

You looked at home in the water.

You make me sound like Benny Hill.

You might touch my bottom.

You need the right film.

You never were that attentive at work, were you?

You ought to...

You really shouldn't...

You see, you've got a huge amount of momentum

You shocked me, 'cause I would have thought

You should be having some opium.

You should say "ooh."

You should take a look at your face.

You still go on dates, do you?

You think of that as industrial, of sort of...

You want some of that?

You want to talk about things you've gone through?

You were just jutting your chin out.

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

You were thinking of doing Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?

You weren't interested in Wordsworth

You would have been better than Geoffrey Rush.

You wouldn't be able to come back with your man in a box

You'd be better off going anti clockwise.

You'll ever have to contend with.

You'll know him, of course, as TV's Alan Partridge,

You'll see a number of these little potholes.

You'll... Ooh! Ooh!

You're a big man, but you're out of shape.

You're about to bloody talk!

You're from Manchester.

You're getting Michael Caine in stereo.

You're just annoyed because you don't know about...

You're living the dream, Steve.

You're not 41.

You're not doing it the way he speaks!

You're not doing it with the kind of...

You're not open to new experiences.

You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

You're spoiling it. You're spoiling it.

You're stuck in a metaphor!

You're terrible.

You've got some diced smoked hare

You've got some little Manx Queenies,

You've got stuck halfway towards your destination!

You've just got to make sure you've got secure footing.

You've met Mischa, haven't you?

You've reached the office of Matt Jacobs at WP.

Younger women because of their life giving qualities,

Your apple Breton with lemon sorbet

Your name comes up on the screen.

Your roast cod with truffle ravioli

Your surviving family, to visit you.

Yours looks more interesting, but...

2/3 of the way through that,

7 is a bit bigger, but I prefer 15.

11 years. Something like that.

15. Yeah, I prefer 15.

400 million years ago.

[as Connery] So do you. No.

[laughs] Do you know that?

# Building me a fence # I figured...

# Do, re, mi # Terry Wogan is doing it now.

About four hours. Four hours?

Afternoon. Good afternoon.

Ah. Hello.

All right, man. How you doing? Fine, thanks.

All right, mate. See ya.

All right, mate. We could... all right.

All right? Hey, yeah.

All right. Even an accident.

All right. Everything's fine.

All right. Well, thank you very much.

And soupy. Thank you.

And younger women. And younger women.

And yours? Steve.

Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

Babbling. Yeah.

Bumless chums. Bumless chums.

Bye bye. All right, see you, Mum.

Bye bye. Bye bye. Cheerio.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye, baby. Bye.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, of course, absolutely.

Car's locked. What?

Cartmel. Cartmel.

Cheers. All right.

Cheers. Cheers.

Christy Moore. Christy Moore.

Ciao. Okay, bye.

Coke? Yeah.

Come in. Thank you very much.

Come on through into... Oh, a conservatory.

Did it? Yeah.

Did it? Yes.

Do you mind if I do? Oh, no.

Do you want me to ask her? No, no, no. Don't ask her.

Do your Michael Caine. Okay.

Five? Five? How much is an octave?

Get your lowest... Well, yes!

Good. Take care.

Good. Yeah.

Have a good time. Give a little wave to you.

Heavy petting. We draw the line.

Hello. It's okay. Hello.

Hello. This is Rob.

Hello. Hi. Hi.

Hey, listen... I'm gonna be late, okay?

Hey, you all right? Yes.

Hey. Hey, how are you?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Oh, what a lovely house.

Hi, it's me. Hi, how are you?

Hi, Mr. Coogan. Two rooms under "Coogan."

Hi, sorry. Hello.

Hi, Steve. We're off.

Hi. Hiya.

Hi. This is Steve.

How are you? I'm okay. I'm fine, yeah.

How's Mimi? Well, I've got to go.

I can't come back tomorrow. Is this man troubling you?

I heard it in your voice. Are you glad I didn't?

I won't finish there, no. Jesus Christ.

I'd be Brother Jed. No, no, no.

I'll have a vodka... I'll have a vodka...

I'll see you. Okeydoke.

I'm not saying... Whatever.

I'm not sure. I do.

I'm saying that bit. I know.

Ish. Ish.

It is, yeah. With impressions.

It sounds so familiar. He's an international star.

It's my American agent. Sure.

Just be... shush. Okay. All right.

Kind of cruel. Mm hmm.

Let's have a hug. Okay. All right.

Long? Almost a year.

Lovely to meet you. Lovely to see you.

Lovely. Thank you.

Magda. Magda.

Matt, how are you doing? I'm doing good.

Michael Sheen is always... Brilliant.

Mm, yes. Yeah. Yeah?

Mm. Mm.

More readily? You know why that is?

My scallops were hot. There's a joke there.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you. Hello.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

Nice view. Yeah?

Nice. Yeah, it's whatever.

No, I don't... You chase girls.

No, not the conservatory. No politics, thank you.

No, that's not far from here. Oh, really?

No, we can't. It's a big room.

No, we work together. Okay.

No. Why?

No. Yeah?

Not to... What kind of illness?

Oh, I'm going. Bye bye. Bye. Bye.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Okay. At the back.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Okay. Yes.

Okeydoke. Bye bye.

People... I could have done opera. How many octaves?

Physically? Yes.

Pigeon. Really?

Pork will do that to you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Really nice to meet you. God bless.

Really? Great.

Really? Yeah.

Righto. Thanks. Cheerio.

Rob. Hi.

Scallops. Thank you very much.

Seriously? Climbing gear.

Seriously? Yes.

Shall I go first? Yep.

She was only 15... She was only 15 years old.

Sire, sire. Yes?

So here it is. Oh, very nice.

So, yeah, I'll do that. Good. Good.

Sorry. Okay.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Was everything okay?

Thank you. And here is the key.

Thank you. Enjoy.

Thank you. Lovely.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks, Magda. Bye.

That was the worst... Okay. All right.

That's a brook. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah. I know.

That's not my accent. No, it's not.

That's what we're known as. Really?

Then... That's a bit unkind.

This is Molly. Nice to see you.

This is your year. I hope so.

This would have... Oh!

Try and get the lines right. All right. I know.

Two hours. Two hours?

Um... Denmark. Denmark. That's right. Yes.

Very good. Absolutely.

Very nice. Yeah, lovely.

Very rarely. [laughs]

We can be chummy. Yeah, yeah, chummy.

We could not have played... We? We? We?

Well, I bloody should do. Why?

What? What? Don't run!

Who I look like. Yes.

Who is it? Michael Caine.

Why? Receding gums.

Why? There'll be moss.

Why? We've had a cancellation.

Yeah, just in case we... We're climbing?

Yeah, that's all right. I would be...

Yeah, yeah. That's worse.

Yeah, yes. Hi. Hello. Hi. Nice to see you.

Yeah? Heat. Yeah?

Yeah. [normal voice] In the box.

Yeah. Chummy.

Yes, I do. Hans Christian Andersen.

Yes, of course. Make it out to Paul.

Yes, we did. Okay.

Yes. Yeah, I heard it.

Yes. Yes. To loosen up, sire.

Yolanda? Mm hmm?

You don't remember? No, I do remember.

You serious? Yeah.

You want to watch that. Why?

You. No. No, I ramble.

Your chin is absolutely fine. Okay.

...and the voice now... Okay.

...can now be heard... Okay.

'Cause Coleridge was off on his travels.

'cause I've seen so many horrors that I'm just immune to it.

'Cause if there is,

'cause it's so up there with the best stuff.

'Cause she's... she had to go back to America.

'cause you appreciate personality more.

'cause you'd be in a coffin.

'Cause you're panicking. You know I'm about to...

'mid the din of towns and cities

'T is a continental breakfast.

'Twill only take 20 minutes, max.

" And less could not fix his desultory ambition.

" He pursues knowledge as a mistress."

" It was not to be supposed that Mr. Coleridge could keep on

" Other stimulants supplied the place and kept up

"A ha.

"about L'enclume in Cartmel.

"Academy Award winner, Steve Coogan."

"All that he had done of moment he had done 20 years ago.

"and awe for the skill, imagination, and restraint

"And wedded to no one in particular."

"at the rate he set off.

"blown away by the originality, integrity, and extravagance.

"Coogan is a cunt says dad."

"Cunt"?

"from the fiendish dream,

"Fucking hell, it's David Frost."

"He's not as tall as Coogan, but he's better.

"Herding"?

"I am breathless with admiration, respect,

"I found it the best restaurant experience over the years.

"I'm staring off by talking about what real people eat"?

"It's really hurting, really hurting, ah."

"Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt

"Never mind all the talk of inventiveness and variety,

"o'ercome with sufferings strange and wild,

"of the 20 odd plates of Simon Rogan's food

"Oh, he's on location."

"Ooh, I'm weak." Then they're better.

"seemed to me distemper's worst calamity.

"Since then, he maybe is said

"Sleep, the wide blessing,

"the intoxicating dream, the fever, and the madness

"the result was as formulaic as McDonald's

"The third night, when my own loud scream had waked me

"to live on the sound of his own voice.

"We should have done this when he was alive.

"What joy it was to be alive,

"Who is this guy?

"with the same splatter of Technicolor bird shit

[adopts German accent] # I played all my cards #

[adopts German accent] Now it's hurting me,

[adopts Swedish accent] But wait,

[as '60s Caine] Because you look like

[as Al Pacino] Plenty of heat

[as Alan Partridge] Oh, might like to go

[as Allen] [stammering]

[as Allen] I used to daydream constantly as a kid, you know,

[as Burton] In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn

[as Caine] I say Michael Caine used to talk like this

[as Caine] I, on the other hand,

[as Caine] My name is Michael Caine.

[as Caine] Rob's was a very entertaining version,

[as Caine] She was only... She was only 15 years old.

[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini,

[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini,

[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

[as Connery] They've taken you for a fool.

[as Connery] When I kill, I kill for queen and country,

[as Connery] When I play my cards,

[as Connery] whereas I, when I was growing up in Edinburgh,

[as Connolly] Gentlemen, to bed,

[as Connolly] I know. I know. I can't help it.

[as Corbett] One of the most delightful meals,

[as De Niro] Ain't got it, Al. We can't do it. We can't do it.

[as Dustin Hoffman] It's great to meet you.

[as exaggerated Caine] My name's Michael Caine.

[as Francisco Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Grant] I am once again bottomless.

[as Grant] If you were a dog,

[as Grant] This really is excellent.

[as Grant] Yes, might have to give you a bloody good spanking.

[as gravelly Caine] Right, so Michael Caine's voice now,

[as Groucho Marx] You like levity, brevity, and gravity.

[as Hoffman] I had to do a speech as Dustin Hoffman.

[as Hopkins] " I was dazzled,

[as Hopkins] I want a room with a view.

[as Hugh Grant] Could I... could I... could I...

[as Ian McKellan] From Bolton's old monastic tower,

[as Jones] [grunts] Think I better die now.

[as Moore] I'd like a vodka martini,

[as Moore] When I sing an octave up,

[as nasally Caine] Michael Caine speaks to his nose like that.

[as nasally Caine] No, it's like that, isn't it?

[as Pacino] Maybe you're right.

[as Pacino] What do you got?

[as Pacino] What do you got?

[as Pacino] What do you mean it's not looking good?

[as Raymond Babbitt] Oh, I'm an excellent director.

[as Roger Moore] I'd like a vodka martini,

[as Ronnie Corbett] I can honestly say

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond,

[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond.

[as Sean Connery] I'd like a...

[as Sheen] Hello.

[as Sheen] How are you?

[as small man] I don't think you should say that.

[as small man] if my friend and I

[as small man] Where are you? I don't know where you are.

[as Woody Allen] I got to tell you,

[attempting to mimic sound]

[attempting to mimic sound]

[attempting to mimic sound]

[authoritative voice] Gentlemen, to bed,

[authoritative voice] Gentlemen, to bed.

[authoritative voice] Right, well,

[babbling]

[babbling]

[belching] pleasure from killing as I do.

[bell ringing]

[both humming]

[both imitating orchestral piece]

[camera shutter clicking]

[camera shutter clicks]

[cattle lowing]

[cattle lowing]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[crunching]

[door clicks]

[door rattles]

[engine turns over]

[engine turns over]

[engines revving]

[gravelly Caine] The voice has gone...

[gravelly voice] And all of the cigars

[groans]

[growling]

[grunting]

[grunts] Think I better die now.

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

[horns honking]

[humming]

[humming]

[imitating sonar pulse]

[imitating sonar pulse]

[imitating sonar pulse]

[imitating sonar pulse]

[imitating sonar pulse]

[in high pitched voice] Oft in lonely rooms

[indistinct chatter]

[Joy Division's Atmosphere playing]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Thank you.

[laughter]

[line trilling]

[line trilling]

[line trilling]

[line trilling]

[line trilling]

[locks click]

[lowering pitch] Michael's voice...

[maniacal laughter]

[maniacal laughter]

[melancholy piano music]

[mimicking gunfire]

[mimicking percussion sounds]

[mimics explosion]

[moaning]

[moans]

[mock laughter]

[moody post punk music]

[muffled] as I do.

[muffled] I'm trapped in a... I'm trapped in a box.

[mumbled] Can you see them receding?

[mumbling as Caine]

[mumbling as Caine]

[mumbling as Swedish Chef]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[mumbling] I'm trapped in a box.

[mumbling] Michael Caine's voice is through the nose.

[mumbling] There's no such thing as a haggis hunt.

[nasally voice] I don't care about silly voices.

[normal voice] Fucking yeah.

[normal voice] That sounds... Yeah, sorry.

[normal voice] That's Michael Caine.

[normal voice] Who'd have thought that would catch on, eh?

[normal voice] You know that?

[normal voice] You look very worried.

[panting]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[scoffs]

[sheep bleating]

[sheep bleating]

[sheep bleating]

[shushing]

[sighing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[slurping]

[smacking lips]

[stammering as Burton]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering]

[stammering] get you, as it were, going, if I...

[stammering] then you can always...

[stammering] you get just as much pleasure

[strained voice] Oh, help me.

[straining] # La, ti #

[voice cracking] And you don't do the broken voice

[voice echoing]

[whispering] Give him a kiss.

[whooshing sounds]

[wind howling]

[with Scottish accent] Brother, tomorrow,

[with Swedish accent] # I don't want to talk #

[with Swedish accent] # Now it's hissstory #

# Ah #

# Ah, ah, ah, ah #

# Ah, ah, ah, ah #

# All #

# Always danger #

# And that's what you've done too #

# Ba, ba #

# Building me a fence #

# But I was a fool #

# Dee ba dee bop bop bop ba dah #

# Do #

# Do #

# Do #

# Do, do #

# Do, do, do #

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti #

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #

# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #

# Don't walk away #

# Don't walk away #

# Endless talking #

# Fool #

# I apologize #

# I played all my cards #

# I was in your arms #

# If it makes you feel sad #

# In silence #

# It #

# La, low #

# Life rebuilding #

# Like I used to kiss you? #

# Low #

# No more ace to play #

# Nothing more to say #

# Now it's history #

# Oh #

# Oh #

# Ooh, ba da, bop bop ba #

# Re, mi, fa, sol #

# Re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #

# Re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #

# See the danger #

# Seeing me so tense #

# Takes #

# Tell me, does she kiss #

# The winner #

# The winner takes it all #

# The winner takes it all #

# The winner takes it all #

# Thinking I belong... #

# Thinking I belonged there #

# Thinking I'd be strong there #

# Thinking I'd be strong there #

# Though it's herding me #

# Though it's hurting me #

# Ti # Oh, fuck.

# Too hard, too greedy #

# Walk in silence #

# We'd roll and fall in green #

# When she calls your name? #

# You had a temper like my jealousy #

8:30 for 9:00. Yes.