Project X Edit

Ahh!

Ahh.

Alexis was eye fucking you, and you got college girls on your dick.

ALEXIS: So it's your birthday.

ALEXIS: Yeah, Thomas! Whoo!

ALL (CHANTING): Cops go home! Cops go home! Cops go home!

ALL (CHANTING): Jump! Jump! Jump!

ALL (CHANTING): Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

ALL (CHANTING): Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

ALL (CHANTING): Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

ALL (SINGING): Happy birthday to you

ALL (SINGING): Happy birthday to you

All right, all right. Props on the "can/may" bullshit. Very good.

All right, look, okay, 50 people, absolute max.

All right, well, I'll get your stuff. Here, stoke up the fires, buddy.

All right, well, um, we better get back out there.

All right, yeah, yeah. Come on in, come on in.

All right? And lose the Taser, okay?

All right. This won't totally, like, fuck me up, will it?

All we're doing is trying to have a good time, you cocksucking motherfucker!

All you do is show up and drink.

Am I invited?

An hour from now, this place is a fucking madhouse.

And also, guys, do not go in my office, right?

And give you a back tug Yeah

And he's gonna make us look pimp, and you fucking better.

And I ain't tiyin' to critique But you deserve a good drink, so, what's up?

And I know I don't need to tell you, but my car is off limits.

And I'm sorry for all the times I called you Fat Fuck.

And if you guys get there before we get there...

And J.B., what's up? You wanna suck my dick

And look, Thomas, I'm not an idiot. I know you're gonna have friends over.

And shit in the kitchen

And something's just happening right now. I've heard a commotion.

And the police are returning in force. We're clearly outnumbered.

And this is Project X, yo.

And walk around the party without a care

And we wanted to give you the courtesy of informing you...

And we're gonna sing a little "Happy Birthday" for him. One, two, three.

And, Milo, you take good care of Thomas, okay? Momma's gonna miss you.

And, of course, in my culture I've been a man since my 13th birthday.

Andretti on Pirelli Make a movie out the getty

Are you fucking kidding me? Didn't I tell you two to fuck off?

Are you fucking kidding me? E, get the fuck out now!

Are you hearing this?

Are you retarded?

Are you serious right now?

Asshole.

Baby

Back door or turn the alarm system off.

Back in Queens, I had hoes blowing me on the reg.

Basically chill.

Bass to the floor, right now, what's up A lime to a lemon

BEAN (CDN RADIO): Kevin and Bean from the world famous KROQ.

Behind me is Thomas Kub's house. Today is Thomas Kub's birthday.

Besides, it's creepy. Look at him.

BIG BOY: Big Boy's neighborhood, beautiful day.

Birthday cake. Mm.

Black and gold bottles Like I'm pro New Orleans

Black sedan. License plate... We've got a hit and run.

BOY 1: Got it? You tie it?

BOY 1: Hey, boss.

BOY 1: Hey, yo, Kub. Hey, yo, what up, dog?

BOY 1: What's going on, man?

BOY 2: He's good. Ready to go. BOY 3: Blast off.

BOY 2: That's him.

BOY 3: Yo, you guys, Thomas. That party was dope.

BOY 4: It's just like Up.

BOY 4: J.B.!

BOY: Assholes!

BOY: Dude, that's Thomas!

BOY: Is it true what I heard about you at Zam's party?

BOY: It was just a kid, man!

BOY: It's Ecstasy, bro!

BOY: Nice. Are you kidding me?

BOY: Oh, shit, I think that's his dad.

BOY: Yo, Costa, what's up? Yo, go in the back.

BRENDAN: That isn't happening. That's not real.

Bro, what's happening?

But her tits are smaller.

But I think I do now and that's why I'm here.

But she's kind of always been around.

But since I am a better friend than you, I did get you something.

But some cats had a party in Pasadena and took this thing to the whole next level.

But the only thing that I care about fixing right now is this.

But what we're saying is, you may not.

But, shorty, I'm far from a saint But I got two AmEx's that look the same way

Can we talk about this insanity in Pasadena last night?

Can you imagine if your mom ever saw that?

Cannonball, bitches!

Chaos has spread to the streets.

Check it out, guys. I'm pretty sure it's that girl from Playboy.

Civilians 50 yards ahead on Dickens.

Come get a piece of this white chocolate.

Come on over, over

Come on, guys, let's start making some drinks. Let's get crazy in this bitch.

Come on, J.B., let's bounce.

Come on, J.B., move your fat ass.

Come on, move your asses.

Come to D. C. and I can make you a believer

COSTA (IN NORMAL VOICE): Hey, little buddy. Want something to drink? Hey.

COSTA (SINGING): Wait for another day

Costa, before we begin, is there anything that you would like to say to the viewers?

Costa, you motherfucker!

COSTA: Ah, shut the fuck up.

COSTA: All right.

COSTA: Are you fucking with me right now?

COSTA: Are you kidding me?

COSTA: Are you kidding me? I will fucking kill you!

COSTA: Are you kidding me? THOMAS: Hey, all you bitches. Aah!

COSTA: Are you kidding? THOMAS: Now you can shit in peace.

COSTA: Are you still talking? Get the fuck out of here.

COSTA: Check it out. THOMAS: What are you doing?

COSTA: Come on, dude. I can't see a thing. It's dark as fuck in here.

COSTA: Come on, get the fuck out of here! Move! Come on!

COSTA: Come on, let's go. Move!

COSTA: Cops on the way. Get out, everybody! Now!

COSTA: Dax, come on. Let's get closer.

COSTA: Do I know you guys?

COSTA: Dude, high school pussy for days.

COSTA: Dude, please don't back out. This party is gonna change everything for us.

COSTA: Dude, relax. People are gonna show up. I promise, bro.

COSTA: Dude, we done good.

COSTA: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

COSTA: Everybody get in the back!

COSTA: Fuck it, my cousin owns a body shop. He can fix it, no problem, man.

COSTA: Fuck you. Dude, Costa. Seriously?

COSTA: Fuck you. You guys, it's like 9:20 already.

COSTA: Fuck, yeah!

COSTA: Fuck! THOMAS: Oh, shit!

COSTA: Get the fuck out of here, man. Come on, dude.

COSTA: Get the fuck out of here!

COSTA: Go home, Robert!

COSTA: Go, go!

COSTA: Go! Shit! THOMAS: Come on!

COSTA: Holy shit!

COSTA: Holy shit!

COSTA: Holy shit!

COSTA: Holy shit!

COSTA: Holy shit! J.B.: Guy's like the fucking Terminator! Jesus!

COSTA: Holy shit! THOMAS: What the fuck are you doing?

COSTA: How do you not see the point? There's the point. There's the point.

COSTA: Huge fans. Cool. Awesome.

COSTA: I knew it. You're bitching out. THOMAS: What?

COSTA: I love this kid. You know it.

COSTA: It was really cool of your mom and dad to clean it out and wash it for you.

COSTA: It's Ecstasy. It'll put the brakes on your little freak out. Just take it.

COSTA: J.B., drop those bags. We got work to do.

COSTA: J.B., get your fat ass up!

COSTA: J.B., I thought I told you to pick up ice.

COSTA: J.B., you all right, man?

COSTA: Look at your fucking pupils.

COSTA: Look, we're making a movie.

COSTA: Move the fuck out of the way!

COSTA: No fucking way, man!

COSTA: No, fuck that! Just go. J.B.: Get out of here!

COSTA: No, he's cool.

COSTA: Of course it is, it's plus one.

COSTA: Of course, bro, we got your back.

COSTA: Oh, fuck! Holy shit! Give me back my gnome!

COSTA: Oh, man, you the man. Fuck, yeah, T Rick.

COSTA: Oh, my God, Thomas, we're fucked.

COSTA: Oh, shit! J.B.: Oh, fuck!

COSTA: Oh, that's LaRosa. He graduated.

COSTA: Okay. Really, we appreciate that.

COSTA: Relax, man. J.B.: We need to tell Thomas.

COSTA: Shit! Come on!

COSTA: Shit! KIRBY: It looks like I win.

COSTA: Shut up, Kirby. You're killing my concentration right now.

COSTA: So, dog, you ready for tonight?

COSTA: So, dude, it's your last day of being a loser. How does it feel?

COSTA: Straight up here, then take a right again. THOMAS: All right, listen.

COSTA: T Rick, open up.

COSTA: T Rick's so burned out, he probably forgot about it already.

COSTA: Thank you, I appreciate this. Come by anytime you want.

COSTA: Thanks, everybody, for coming. Let's get the music rocking!

COSTA: That's absolutely disgusting.

COSTA: That's not an option. People will show up.

COSTA: The cops are on their way right now! THOMAS: Oh, shit.

COSTA: There he is. This is Everett and his boy Tyler.

COSTA: There's two more fucking points right there! It's all around you.

COSTA: They're coming in packs. THOMAS: This is insane.

COSTA: This is your fucking party, man.

COSTA: Thomas Kub's house, 8:00.

COSTA: Thomas, get back here, dude!

COSTA: Thomas, suck my cock. THOMAS: What?

COSTA: Thomas, this is your party, and she's the hottest girl here.

COSTA: Thomas, you crazy motherfucker! I love you!

COSTA: We have a whole day to fix this place up. It's all good.

COSTA: What are you doing in here? The whole party's outside.

COSTA: What did I say? Don't doubt the master, bitches!

COSTA: What the fuck is that?

COSTA: What the fuck? I'm jerking off to your mom.

COSTA: What up, baby girl?

COSTA: What we are witnessing is truly a breathtaking moment...

COSTA: What? It's been a great ride.

COSTA: What's up, baby? Eight o'clock.

COSTA: Whatever happens, we can make this right.

COSTA: Whoa, shit!

COSTA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, read the sign, honey.

COSTA: With these two, we got nothing to worry about.

COSTA: Yeah, my boy's starting at second base for USC.

COSTA: Yes, I'm serious. THOMAS: Where the fuck are we going?

COSTA: Yes, it is gonna work. Next time your pool guy's here, he'll be like:

COSTA: You freshmen? Yeah.

COSTA: You said your parents would be gone by 7.

COSTA: You were so nervous about people not showing up.

COSTA: You're gonna want to lock your doors. THOMAS: Are you serious?

COSTA.: Yes. THOMAS: But no one else, okay?

Couple thousand, maybe.

Craigslist, yeah. It's on the thing, on the page, right there.

CROWD: Whoa!

Cut the music. Cut it. How's everybody doing? It's your host, Costa.

DAD (ON RECORDING): Hi. You've reached the Kub residence. Please, leave a message.

DAD (OVER PHONE): Thomas, it's me again. THOMAS: I'm fucked, dude.

DAD: All right, honey, car is here.

DAD: Didn't know you had Goth friends. THOMAS: He's just a friend from school.

DAD: Four or five friends, tops.

DAD: Happy birthday, Thomas. Whoo! Yay!

DAD: No food in the living room. Your mother will kill me and I'll have to kill you.

DAD: So leave the gate open for the gardener.

DAD: Thomas, get down here!

DAD: What's going on? What's the matter?

DAD: You guys can have that. Knock yourself out.

Damn it.

Dax, close that behind you.

DAX: Alexis, are you having a good time?

DAX: All I got was you punching that little child's face.

DAX: Are you gonna be going to Thomas's birthday party tonight?

DAX: Thank you, I don't drink alcohol.

DAX: Thanks, Thomas.

DAX: What are your expectations for the party?

Dax.

DISPATCHER (OVER RADIO): All units hold for SWAT team arrival.

DISPATCHER: Unit 23, what's your status?

Disperse immediately.

Disperse immediately.

Disperse immediately.

Disperse peacefully and immediately or you will be subject to arrest.

Do it, genius. It's all on tape. I just saw this motherfucker record it.

Do these kids even have parents? It's ridiculous, right?

Do you fucking believe this?

Do you have any idea how much all this is gonna cost, Thomas?

Do you know how many chores it's gonna take to make up for...

Doesn't the law state that you cannot enter...

Don't care if she's 300 pounds. I have to fuck a girl with big tits.

Don't even worry about it, man. I'll bring it, call my boys up.

Don't make us come back. You know what I mean?

Don't shut that...

Drive, drive, drive!

Dude, check it out. Check it out.

Dude, don't even start, okay? My dad's making me drive it as punishment.

Dude, go over there.

Dude, I can't believe I missed it.

Dude, people are spilling shit, breaking shit, probably stealing shit.

Dude, stop.

Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street. We'd love to have you.

Dude, too bad your dad didn't give you the Benz. That'd have been sick.

Dude, why are you staring at my dick?

Dude, you heard Rob, man. What if he calls the cops?

DUDE: Wait up. Wait, wait.

E! E!

EVERETT: He's home alone. He's been up all night, so he's probably gonna crash soon.

EVERETT: Subject is arguing with an overweight woman, most likely his wife

EVERETT: Tyler, I need you! Pull it together!

EVERETT: Would you like a hand with that? How long have you been in there?

Every one of my phone calls gets answered, right?

Everybody in the back! Get in the back now!

Everything's great. You upgraded the dish. Looks great.

Ew. Heh.

Excuse me. Sorry. Look out. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.

Fifteen hundred.

Fifty bucks extra with the port a potty. And they threw these in for free.

Fine, 50 people, absolute max.

Fine. Fuck it. I'm calling the fucking cops... Aah!

Fuck off.

Fuck that asshole. You're killing it, bro.

Fuck that shit. I'm not jumping. Fuck that.

Fuck you.

Fuck your car!

Fuck, hey, stop, seriously.

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah! My boy Rob is here to rage! Mwah!

Fuck, yeah! What's up in this bitch? Fuckers.

Fucking asshole.

Fucking stop.

Game changer.

Get high, fuck bitches, you already know.

Get in the back now! Everybody move! Let's go!

Get off me, you little faggot dog.

Get out of here. Go.

Get out of your mind

Get out of your mind Fuck that shit

Get this shit rolling again. Come on DJ Jesse Marco. Run it!

Get your asses up here right now.

GIRL: Ew! Come on, "Ew."

GIRL: J.B.!

GIRL: Oh, my God, it's a flying dog!

GIRL: They're pills!

GIRL: Yeah! LITTLE PERSON: The fuck you guys looking at?

Give me a break. You got a ball?

Give me back my fucking gnome!

Go!

Go! Go!

Go. Go talk to her.

God, help us.

Going on the range, get it all out of your system.

Good evening, uh, this is... This is Dax.

Got my Smith and Wessie to protect me So respect me

Gotta clear this fucking beer out of here.

Grab it. Throw it in. I love...

Great party, buddy.

Great. Well, we'll see you Sunday. Happy birthday, Thomas.

Guess what Mama Kub and Papa Kub got for...

Guys, the last thing I want in my house is a bunch of randoms.

Guys, this isn't a request. The party's over.

Ha, ha. Whoa.

Happy birthday dear Thomas

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday You can suck my dick if you thirsty

Have you seen my fucking house?

Have you seen the footage? Let me tell you.

He called the cops on us. He ruined everything.

He sucker punched you. You'd own that bitch in a real fight.

He'll be taking the trash out nine times a day for the rest of his life.

He's a fucking weirdo, I know, but he's a solid shooter.

He's a sweet kid, but...

He's drinking. They're in the kitchen.

He's ex military. Wait till you see his gun collection. Fucking insane.

He's got a couple of friends. They're gonna hang out, but they're not gonna do anything.

He's one of J.B.'s guys from Gay V Club.

He's still in the shower.

Heading toward residence.

Heads will roll

Here he is! I got him! Motherfuckers!

Here they come.

Here we are.

Here we go. Paxson for three.

Here, let me...

Here.

Hey

Hey

Hey, baby, what's up? Want some of this?

Hey, can I get to my locker right there?

Hey, Costa.

Hey, girls. Just remember, wear something tight.

Hey, have you seen Thomas?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, it's your day. Cool. See you guys tonight, then.

Hey, thanks. Would you guys mind getting off my dad's car?

Hey, we want some pussy

Hey, will you at least try and have a good time?

Hey, wrong guy. Wrong guy.

Hey. Hey, hi. Hi. Welcome. Welcome to party. Welcome, welcome.

Hi. Good evening, Mrs. Stillson. My name's Oliver.

Hold on. We gotta give Thomas his birthday present.

Holy shit, dude! Where'd you get a bouncy house?

Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller.

Holy shit, dude. Your parents gave you the minivan? That's awesome!

Holy shit, it's the news.

Holy shit, Thomas, he's fucking wild! He's a fucking crazy man!

Holy shit! He's gone! He fell off!

Holy shit.

Hopefully we'll meet again, so I can explain things.

How are we doing on eggs?

How cool is it that Thomas was born on your anniversary?

How did this thing get up here? Was someone in my parents' room?

I ain't gotta tell you They know about me, huh

I ain't tryin' to lead you wrong, sugar I need you

I am serious, because it's 11:30 at night. It's time to wrap it up.

I brought all these people to your party. Fucking camera creeps me out.

I can't believe, like, you guys just did this to me.

I did. It's in the freezer in the garage.

I didn't know how to handle it.

I do. The shit works.

I don't care for fancy things

I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a dick. I'm getting them out of the house. Now.

I don't care. T, get these freshmen out of here.

I don't have words for some of the things I've seen.

I don't know how to fix any of this shit.

I don't know how to fix this.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's pretty funny.

I don't know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.

I don't really have an explanation...

I don't wanna go talk to your fucking dad.

I don't want to find wet towels when we get home.

I got a better idea. How about I invite you to my next party?

I got Ray Ban vision

I got this, okay?

I gotta record this.

I guess both are true. The law says you cannot because we say you may not.

I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree, then, aren't we?

I had a really fun time.

I had Jesse Marco put out an e mail blast and I may have called a radio station or two.

I have three projects I'm working on. I don't want anybody in there, clear?

I haven't seen that many teenage boobs since R. Kelly's birthday party.

I haven't seen Tyler in an hour.

I heard, "midget in oven."

I hooked up with Kirby.

I jumped off the house on purpose.

I just didn't think you had it in you.

I just got another call. I'm sure the neighbors are exaggerating.

I just heard a rumor that all your balls got attacked by a midget. Is it true?

I just wanted to let you know that we're gonna be having a party...

I know where they build 'em

I know where they're selling long

I know you watch 'em I know that you want no more

I literally didn't think that you had this in you.

I mean, did you hear that guy? Wheelchair Robert got beat off.

I mean, I'd love to get some oral or, you know, at least do some finger banging.

I mean, no one even knows who we are.

I need you to dial back like 10, 15 percent. You can't hard charge all the time.

I never said you were cool.

I saw your face

I see you haters coming ****as don't think that I'm slipping

I wanna show you something. See this? Check this out.

I wanted to give you my number in case you had problems or concerns.

I was just attacked by this really sexy woman.

I wasn't nervous. I wanted the party to be big enough to be cool.

I wasn't. My locker's there. Can I get to it?

I'll fix this whole house myself if I have to.

I'm actually about to go to sleep right now, so...

I'm an open guy. I even have a Facebook account. You can send me:

I'm basically on house arrest until my hearing.

I'm coming on Santa Claus's face.

I'm drunk. I mean, that's not an excuse.

I'm glad your folks are on vacation I just raided the fridge

I'm gonna bring up my best friends, Thomas and J.B.

I'm gonna go home...

I'm inside the belly of the beast.

I'm joined now by Captain Reesman of the Police Department.

I'm just asking that you please respect my house, okay?

I'm letting Costa plan most of it.

I'm livin' life right now, man And this what I'm gonna do

I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.

I'm Rob, the neighbor. Who the fuck are you?

I'm sorry for that time at your brother's Bar Mitzvah...

I'm sorry, Thomas. I just wanted to get some pussy.

I'm talking about the fucking people in the house.

I'm talking about, they trashed the neighborhood. They trashed the house.

I'm telling Thomas it's time to shut it down.

I'm the coolest shit Especially when I throw on all my Gretzky

I'm the friend, my birthday.

I'm the hub of a large social circle. I put the word out, it goes out.

I'm upstairs. Kids are asleep. Over.

I'm working on something.

I'm, like, really into her.

If he calls the cops, I want you to radio it over to me, okay?

If I don't fuck a girl with big tits tonight, I'm drowning myself.

If we want to be bigtime players, we need to make a bigtime play.

If you do not disperse immediately, you will be subject to arrest.

If you fuck this up, I will stab you. I'm not kidding.

If you're still mad, I get it...

In a crowded place

In fact, I would.

In the back of your dad's truck You fat fuck

In this, feelin' tremendous Lenses darker than the tint on my Benzes

Is there a problem here, officers?

Is there an adult here we might speak with?

Is this big enough to be cool?

It is a big deal. We miss every party.

It is going down. I don't know if you seen the news.

It really hurt me.

It was awesome.

It was the most epic party of all time.

It wasn't cool, man.

It's 6 in the morning, man. Let it go. It's over.

It's a bit messy right now.

It's a free car. I'm not about to complain about a free car.

It's a gnome. I guess he gets around. Who cares, man?

It's crazy out there.

It's fucking insane.

It's just for school and back. That's it, right?

It's just he'll go crazy if anything happens to it.

It's just that it's a small get together. It should be basically chill.

It's just, like, I already went swimming once against my will.

It's like hooking up with J.B.

It's not even a car. It's a fucking minivan. We can't even roll in this.

It's not gonna work unless you crank it up.

It's not that complicated.

It's out of control.

It's the first party I've ever attended and you...

It's the motherfucking D O double G

J.B., I'm sorry for buying you a bra on your birthday. That wasn't cool.

J.B., what the fuck, man? Why do you have a boner?

J.B.: Ah! Fuck.

J.B.: Alexis won't come. She fucks college dudes.

J.B.: Are you sure this guy's cool? COSTA: T Rick's the coolest.

J.B.: Dude, are you stealing it? COSTA: No, we're just borrowing it.

J.B.: Dude, Thomas, no!

J.B.: Fuck. Shit.

J.B.: Give him the gnome back. Give him the fucking gnome back.

J.B.: He got sent to detention once and banged the teacher.

J.B.: He's gonna catch him and he's gonna get his ass kicked.

J.B.: Hey, hey, hey.

J.B.: Hey. You get half of one.

J.B.: Hey. Can we get going?

J.B.: Hi, uh, my name's J.B. I'm a friend of Thomas Kub, your neighbor across the street.

J.B.: Invite him, man. Come on. THOMAS: All right. Okay. Um...

J.B.: Jesus Christ.

J.B.: Jesus, all those chicks are really hot.

J.B.: Look like ninjas. Ninjas are fucking pussies!

J.B.: Look. COSTA: That was a business call for your party.

J.B.: Mm.

J.B.: Nice touch. COSTA: Why not? It's a birthday party.

J.B.: Oh, my God!

J.B.: Pardon? Oh, hey. GIRL: Hey.

J.B.: Sure do.

J.B.: This is bad.

J.B.: This place is ghetto as fuck.

J.B.: We did this for you.

J.B.: Whoa, we are so fucked.

J.B.: Wow, dude, this is fucking... THOMAS: I can't believe it fucking worked.

J.B.: Wow. Whoa.

Jesus Christ, man. Where do you even get shit like that?

Jesus Christ! Are you all right, dude? Oh, my God, J.B., are you all right?

Jesus fucking Christ! What'd you do that for?

Jew Pesci, go back to New York

Join us for an evening of balls deep entertainment at Thomas Kub's house.

Joining us now live is one Pasadena teen who's recently drawn a lot of notice...

Jump in.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

Just another beer would be great.

Just come inside. Just forget about it.

Just go home.

Just make sure you wear something tight.

Keep going! Get in the back now!

Keep telling her how pretty she is the whole time.

KEVIN: It looked like the greatest party ever.

Kirby, I'm really sorry about what happened.

KIRBY: Are you having fun? THOMAS: Yeah, I'm having a good time.

KIRBY: Come on, you're way too easy. I love it.

KIRBY: Fuck off. I'm sorry. Hey, hey, Kirby...

KIRBY: Getting late. I'll look like such a dick if no one shows.

KIRBY: Ha, ha! Thomas, come here! COSTA: Fucker!

KIRBY: I'm kicking Costa's ass!

KIRBY: It's pretty fucking crazy.

KIRBY: My God. THOMAS: Nice.

KIRBY: So, Thomas, are you having fun?

KIRBY: Thomas? Thomas. Eyes up here.

KIRBY: What is it?

KIRBY: What? THOMAS: What? What did he say?

KIRBY: Yeah, man. Let's do this.

KIRBY: You're gonna get laid, dude. Ladies love a guy with class.

Kirby!

Kirby.

Kirby's sort of like one of us.

Know me from the you know Boss in my Hugo

Kub! House phone! House phone!

KYLE: Dick!

Ladies, who wants to take a shot with the birthday boy?

Law enforcement currently on scene.

Let me have that.

Let me see what you got Now shake that thing

Let's be realistic here, okay?

Let's do this, I gotta be at the dojo by 5.

Like this day in the life type thing. No big deal.

Like this.

Lines of water on the floor

Listen to me, Thomas. Either shut it down or I'm calling the cops.

Little dude. What's up, man? How we doing?

LITTLE PERSON: Let me go! Goddamn it!

LITTLE PERSON: Motherfucker! Motherfuckers! You fucking cunt!

LITTLE PERSON: Motherfuckers!

Live for tonight Before tomorrow's amnesia

Look at J.B. He's like a little fat Rain Man, texting away.

Look at me now, bitches! My party is the shit!

Look, I realize I can be, like, a huge dick sometimes...

Look, man, I don't mean to be a dick here or anything.

Look, man, I know you're not a drug guy, and I respect that about you.

Look, T Rick, we can fix this. Okay, man?

Lot of cars for a small party.

Make a "come here" motion. "Come here."

Makes no sense. This kid's younger than we are.

MAN (ON TV): Sand, an adversary in many ways more dangerous than those carrying weapons.

MAN: Holy shit!

Mass marketing, handled.

Maybe in the factory Maybe in the actual world

Me. Dax.

Mi Tell, what's cracking, bro?

MILES: How you guys doing on liquor? You got liquor?

Mm mm. I'm sorry. Who are you?

Mom, Dad, it's me, Thomas.

MOM: Happy birthday, sweetie. THOMAS: Ahh.

Move it, move it! Let's go! Hurry up! Cops are coming! Everybody in the back!

Move the fuck out of the way!

My body's

My boy is underselling this like a motherfucker.

My dad got me a lawyer. Even that Jew thinks we're fucked.

My dad met my stepmom on Craigslist.

My life right now, it's totally ruined.

My mom hasn't stopped crying.

My parents are convinced this is totally gonna be fucking my college plans.

My parents are gonna crucify me if anything gets fucked up.

MY Party is legendary!

Nasty, kid

Negative. I'm a ghost. Out.

Night.

No doubt. Thank you, sir.

No, he's doing a good job. He's getting, like, a bunch of booze and then...

No, it's not all good, okay? I mean, what about this? What if my parents see it?

No, seriously.

No.

No. I'm leaving.

Nobody's gonna see this shit but us. I promise.

Not a madhouse, just gonna be a fun, decent sized party.

Not a party that's still going, anyway.

Nothing goes in here, right?

Nothing. I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Kub.

Nothing. That was Costa. You're on speakerphone.

Of course it will, dude. That's the whole point.

OFFICER (OVER MEGAPHONE): This is the police.

OFFICER 1 (OVER RADIO): Outside visual on subject with...

OFFICER 1: Skirmish line, be advised, officer down, officer down.

OFFICER 1: Approach with extreme caution.

OFFICER 1: Just keep the noise down to a minimum, okay?

OFFICER 1: Scene in progress, 50 yards ahead of IC. Officers need assistance.

OFFICER 1: Still active and on the move.

OFFICER 1: Subject is advancing.

OFFICER 1: Subject is armed and active. MAN: Oh, my fucking God.

OFFICER 1: Suspect is firing at officers.

OFFICER 2: Everybody, back!

OFFICER 2: Everybody's a fucking attorney.

OFFICER 3: Disperse immediately or you will be subject to arrest.

OFFICER 3: Put down your weapon and put your hands in the air.

OFFICER 3: Put down your weapon.

OFFICER 3: Put down your weapon. Put your hands in the air.

OFFICER 3: This is the police.

OFFICER 3: This is the police.

OFFICER 3: This is the police...

OFFICER 4: Get down! Show me your hands! OFFICER 5: Put down your weapon!

OFFICER 5: Drop it now! OFFICER 4: Back up, back up!

OFFICER 6: Get back!

OFFICER 7: Go, go, go! Shit!

OFFICER 8: Yeah. Now. Take the shot!

OFFICER 9: Get back. Get back!

OFFICER: In need of immediate assistance.

Oh, I live alone, actually.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Thomas?

Oh, please, stop it. Come on, honey. He's 17 years old.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Extra large condoms. I'm not paying for that shit.

Oh, shit. Let's go.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Oh, that sounds like a really brilliant idea.

Oh, uh... I have to call you back, sir. I'm sorry.

Oh, watch this.

Oh, yeah, that was a 12 millimeter semi automatic Mossberg Maverick.

Oh, you're...

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, faggot.

Okay, here's what I want.

Okay, seriously, Thomas, that's, you know, cool and all.

Okay? I practically burned down my whole neighborhood.

Okay. I was thinking more along the lines of an apology.

Okay. Well, I mean, I'm the one taking the whole risk.

Oliver came over earlier and told me you guys were having a little party...

Only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat fuck.

Or to take part in the vicious race

Other than fucking Costa made me do it. So...

Our balls are where his eyes are.

Paper towels. Get long.

Party's limited to the backyard, okay?

People don't tell you that enough, Kirby.

Perfume everywhere

Perhaps tonight is just business as usual, but something tells me, no, it's not.

Pfft. A lot of people don't know this simple fact, but this is actually...

Pink rosé and chronic smelly

Please, please, just tell me it is. I'm praying it fucking is.

Police are using flash bang grenades to try and disperse this crowd.

Poor Milo.

Pretend you're killing cops, if you want.

Pretty girls I ask them do they smoke

Probably bankrupt my parents. I'll be in debt until I die.

Put this in your mouth.

Relax. For you. You.

Remind you of the sky when I'm fucking And we on cloud nine for that minute

REPORTER 1 (ON TV): Chaos has broken out in the Southland...

REPORTER 2: It's complete chaos out here.

REPORTER 2: Police are now firing rubber bullets.

REPORTER 2: Police are now mobilizing. Fire helicopters have been brought in.

REPORTER 2: Police are on scene in riot gear. SWAT officers are rushing forward.

REPORTER: The person who caused the early morning fire and explosion here...

Requesting backup, all units...

Scuffin' shell toes Is that ****a dead?

See you later.

See, baby, I'm a leader Day away from a Libra

See, I told you guys, T Rick's just a sweetheart. Mm.

See, the kid's a pro. We got nothing to worry about.

Seriously, stop. Stop.

She graduated three years ago. She's in Playboy's Pac 10 issue.

She told me take my glasses off But she looks horrendous

She wants him to call the police. He wants to handle it himself.

Shh.

Shh.

Shit never gets old.

Shit! Dax, find the phone.

Shit. Sorry. Um...

Shit. Um, Mrs. Kub, I thought you guys left already.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. It's pissing me off that you don't trust me to know what I'm doing.

Slow down, dude.

Smell it, J.B.

Smoke machine begins to blow

Snoop Dogg

So we missed a party, dude. Big deal.

So we're cool again?

So would you please listen To what I'm gonna need from you

So you know this high school party in Pasadena that turned into a riot, right?

So you put my address on the fucking Internet?

So you're telling us we cannot come in?

So, I'm sorry.

So, uh, how many people were here?

So?

Some asshole puked all over my front door.

Sorry about that, everybody, that dude's whack.

Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Speak up, E.

Standing down, for now.

Still looks like me.

Stop. Give me that. Costa, stop, wait. Costa, what are you doing?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

T RICK: Fuck you!

T RICK: Here you go.

T RICK: Where the fuck is Costa?

T RICK: Yeah, kick ass with that.

T Rick's. Gotta score some of that chronic shit.

Take it. Oh, my God, she's got a deep throat.

Tapping and circling. Tap, tap, tap.

Thank you very much. Have a good time at your party.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That is not fucking cool.

That party was so sick. Everyone got laid.

That sucks.

That thing that dick in the sweater vest was telling us about?

That's a penis hand job

That's fucking Alexis, dude. She came, man.

That's fucking disgusting.

That's my boy Tom! That was some serious fucking shit right there!

That's my party. I'm Thomas Kub. It's my birthday today.

That's not a big deal, right? When do your parents get home?

That's Stasia. Gorgeous, right? That's my girl back in Queens.