The Grand Tour - Season 1 Edit

A car made from bone and skin.

A man who isn't sure, and a woman and a woman...

A motorsport event that is presumably ecological in some way.

A pampas grass shop.

A point that becomes even more obvious

A rival for Ferrari and McLaren and Lamborghini, but they haven't.

A tree falls over...

A Triumph 2500 rolled over.

A whiff of oversteer, and across the line!

A whiff of oversteer, and across the line!

Actually, I will agree, yours is remarkable.

Actually, it's part two, isn't it? What was the film?

After ten minutes on a motorway,

After three days gruelling travel

All I want to do at that point

All of the storage bins have been removed.

All of those. Busy.

All right, James?

All right, not an hour. A minute. I'll give you 60 seconds to find him.

All under the 911 banner.

Almost any car has that much space

Already, I don't like this person.

Also, the Porsche's more expensive than the BMW.

Although we were holding our own,

Amongst other things.

Amused by my bodywork,

An old man driving a low garden wall into a river.

And a jet powered dragster.

And a jet ski enthusiast.

And actually was sick.

And adjust the ride height.

And already he's turning in hard,

And because the engine is sitting right over the rear axle,

And began our epic 11 mile journey.

And by that I don't mean...

And enormous tyres.

And environmentally friendly car engines,

And fitted with scaffolding instead of back seats,

And he's looking good!

And he's off! No messing.

And his smouldering ark.

And his woodland animal community,

And I always think that is the world's worst game of hide and seek.

And I certainly don't like the people who drive them.

And I literally have nowhere else to go.

And I think I've worked it out.

And I think that, on a day to day basis, that would drive you a bit mad.

And I was the first to arrive,

And I'd opened up my cow's rectum to improve the ventilation.

And I'm a test pilot, in effect.

And I'm afraid we're all doomed, we're all gonna die.

And I'm going to give you, the studio audience, one hour to find him.

And in sport setting is even more horrid.

And in the rain,

And instead I'm going to build a car out of bricks.

And into Your Name Here.

And is now basically chum on the waters of the harbour,

And it had to have a tracker.

And it hasn't worked.

And it said, and I'm quoting here,

And it turns out that's not true.

And it's five insurance groups lower down than the previous Golf GTI level.

And it's got the biggest testes I've ever seen!

And its red line at 9,000rpm.

And left again into Field Of Sheep.

And let see if I can unstick it.

And let's just hope that, for once in your life,

And my second car.

And no good at all in the rain.

And not because you built your windscreen out of a cow's balloon knot?

And now the Golf's got past!

And on that terrible disappointment, I'm afraid it's time to end.

And replaced it with whatever we thought was the best solution

And seen it had become a production line for maggots...

And so, with all of us running...

And some sheep poo.

And someone who thinks they're a boxer

And start raping the countryside again to rebuild it.

And start talking about the car's good points.

And surely he'll appreciate the turbos punching him out of the corner.

And that consumes a huge amount of energy.

And that the best of the bunch is something called the GT3 RS.

And the daub has been replaced by cow poo,

And the drone from the tyres, which is horrendous.

And the seat's got stitching on it

And the seats aren't bad.

And then it was my go.

And then slowed their engines down quickly as they approached a junction,

And then there's the steering, which in comfort mode is horrid,

And then you fire those in a kiln.

And then you ruined it at the end.

And then you will have a convertible.

And there is nothing on God's earth more annoying than a tracker.

And we worked out that Yorkshire is the only place on earth

And we're seeing one of them right now.

And welcome to The Grand Tour,

And what has any of this got to do with crossing the road?

And with that, back to the tent.

And with that, back to...

And you won't have any headache pills with you,

And you've got 48 hours to solve it, or I'll have your badge and your truncheon."

And, erm... And what about you in Yorkshire?

Annoyingly.

Anyway, have you two seen those new pedestrian traffic lights in Trafalgar Square?

Anyway, now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!

Anyway, now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!

Anyway, on our car show tonight...

Anyway, the police the police, the local police here

Are fresh mud with a bit of water in it,

Are these... Yes.

Are you about to tell me I'm eating...

Are you all right?

Are you gonna dig a canal network to get in and out, perhaps, with your coal?

Are you staring at the world through a cow's ring?

As a threesome, going along.

As he attacks the Isn't Straight.

As it turned out, I'd picked up a passenger.

As it turned out, the smoke was on account

As you may have noticed, the audience there applauding the tragic death...

At his usual top speed of eight,

At points.

Attention to detail.

Back at the start point,

Back on the road, Hammond had called our eco convoy to a halt.

Back wing.

Bastards.

Bastards.

Because a racing car on the road

Because I don't want to see a little face stretched across...

Because I haven't got one.

Because it immediately looks ecological, recyclable,

Because it was just too weak and too floppy,

Because it's got four wheel steering,

Because last week we said there was no real motoring connection with the county,

Because our guest is actually starting in the harbour.

Because Richard Hammond...

Because there was nowhere to put them.

Because they're wearing satin shorts.

Because we have to introduce our next film.

Because we haven't started. We're still in the field.

Because you don't need an alarm, you don't need a tracker,

Because you have to know someone before their opinion is relevant.

Because you're organised and I'm not.

Because you're too close; we'll never get the bumper off.

Before setting off,

Before we were on our way back

Being sawn in half by a glorified Beetle.

Better still, it is growing, because I've planted them

Bones are no good for this. You can't use bones to make cars.

Border Force? ...Border Force, you open the doors and, "Well, there you are."

Both have a top speed of around 190,

But eventually it was done and we were on our way.

But here we are,

But I cost more.

But I will grudgingly admit

But I've got a tracker. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But in the meantime, I can tell you that the CO2 produced by this car's engine

But it means that every third time you fill the car with fuel,

But it's not a type of car known to the DVLA.

But it's stretched so thin that it's completely transparent.

But look how it blends in with the environment.

But other than that...

But that looks perfectly solid to me.

But the best thing is the way it goes round corners.

But the fact is that making steel bodies for cars

But the Porsche is a lot lighter.

But the principle is the same.

But then...

But then...

But then...

But then...

But there are some problems.

But very little has been done to make more

But we begin with Porsche.

But what about this one?

But when you arrive at the same hump in the BMW...

But with the cars of the past racking up so many laps,

But you were doing so well,

But you've dug it up!

But, and this is the quote I love,

But, anyway, no loss of traction at all.

But, eventually, he was ready.

But, my God, they've made a hash of it.

But, sadly, before I had the chance to tell you anything about it,

But, that said, this has to be the winner of this test

But... is it as good as this,

By saying you'd have a worse car

Cack. Chaps, I think I'm beached.

Can be used to rebuild your car?

Can I get out now?

Can we just test your blind spots, James?

Can you see either of us now?

Carbon fibre body panels for lightness.

Carmakers will sort out clean,

Clean break. That'll never... You're gonna need pins.

Clearly, James was not going to get his car built that day,

Come on!

Come on! It's a lot better than what you two have done, which is nothing.

Coming up now is my professional review.

Completely different.

Cor!

Cos if you work for Homeland Security... No, what's it called here?

Cow's arse, horse's arse. It's perfect!

Crossing the road is now an opportunity for you to express your sexuality.

Damn it.

Despite the excellent start from Richard and I,

Did you make it yourself?

Disaster!

Do hedgehogs have bones? He could be a door mirror.

Does that mean he's not coming on, then?

Dogs have come and eaten your car.

Driving a BMW.

Eat my meat, Hammond!

Environmentally friendly car bodies and interiors.

Environmentally friendly engines. They will.

Er... Anyway, I'm glad we're still in Yorkshire,

Er... But there's no danger of that happening this week,

Er... But there's no danger of that happening this week,

Er... News from the Inaugural Sustainable Motorsport Event

Er... some straw to give it strength,

Especially for the tracker?

Eventually, Richard and I arrived at the pub.

Eventually, though, our destination hoved into view.

Everybody just goes inside if it starts to drizzle.

Everything's planted. I've put bulbs along here, ready for spring. Daffodils.

Exactly. Anyway...

Except, of course, it will be roughly the shape of a car.

Extremely lovely to drive.

Five.

Five.

Following the decimation of his car

For someone who's really tried their hardest with something

For the future of the planet.

For the tight left.

For trying with that car. I really do.

Gentlemen, I can see what's happened. Wha...

Get off!

Get off!

Get on with it!

Given that we were in an endurance race,

Go get it. Quickly, quickly. Run, run, run.

Good dicing here between the past and the future.

Greenpeace are gonna be ringing him up at any moment.

Hammond arrived.

Hammond, I am a professional motoring journalist, and coming up...

Hammond, you're on silence till it's dangerous.

Hammond's ark made it to the other side safely.

Hang on.

Hard on the brakes, keeping it all in check,

Has anyone lifted this?

Have been sucked out by the magnetism of my genius.

Have made great strides to make more fuel efficient

Have you used ears for wing mirrors?

Having eventually got to the overheating engine

He couldn't see it. It's a hedge trimmer.

He did do that. Anyway, erm...

He is one of Britain's top comedians

He is. What are we going to ask him when he gets here?

He sounds like a right knob.

He's got a pouch for his tracker.

He's just transporting his own cameras along.

He's leaving a message on Trip Advisor.

He's not doing it quite as quickly as you or I did it.

He's now a member of my little community in here.

He's strapped underneath. He's underneath.

Heavily pedestrianised areas should be avoided.

Hedgehogs die.

Hello, everybody!

Hello! Hello!

Hello! I'm in the car. Yeah.

Hello! Transgender.

Hello. Greetings. Thank you.

Hello. Hello!

Help yourselves, everybody. See if you can find him.

Help!

Here he comes now, look, on the screen...

Here we go, into Swindon.

Hi, there.

His car is also riding a lot lower than ours because it weighs so much.

His one was useless. It's his slap happy attitude to making things.

Hold on. So you're making a car out of mud bricks? Yes.

Hold on. There! Look!

Holy cow.

Holy crap!

How did BMW get this thing so wrong?

How do you peel a cow?

How far have we come today? Just remind me.

How much does it weigh, James?

How the hell do you fit in it? Only just.

How would you like to be a petrol filler cap?

However, I, too, made it with relative ease.

However...

I actually think it looks rather stylish,

I am now gonna go and get some spare parts.

I bet I could.

I called it.

I can smell...

I can't see it. My hay fever's really bad.

I can't see through my eyes.

I can't, because...

I don't care how many stars he gives Oxfam Whitby, I'm not going there.

I don't know what happens when it goes red.

I don't know, but I'm not sure this is very hi tech.

I don't think Ferrari give it away!

I don't want to interrupt. He's come in very hot.

I find them flawed, in some dark and rather disgusting way.

I know I don't want to go there, because it'll be rubbish.

I know. I mean, I admire BMW

I made breakfast.

I may be losing one of my I think the correct technical term is the A pillar.

I may have to pit for another tampon.

I mean, I know Hammond, OK?

I mean, the Nissan GTR: fabulous, fabulous car.

I mean...

I must admit, from the outside, it sounds good.

I need to drill some holes for your eyes.

I need to know when you're half an inch away.

I should... clear that...

I think I've done a lap.

I think we can count you out.

I thought, when I read the spec sheet on the RS,

I was getting very deep. It may be leaking slightly.

I was reading Trip Advisor last night.

I was repairing my damaged front end.

I went on Trip Advisor, OK, and there was a review of Whitby.

I wonder if he actually knows what he's in.

I'm being honest, there's not a great deal we can do about it.

I'm gonna ask him, actually, about erm...

I'm gonna say the weight has gone down a bit. I think I'm down to three tonnes.

I'm gonna take a racing line. Oh, I'm completely lost.

I'm made of nature.

I'm really deep here.

I'm standing in my spare parts department. All of it.

I'm struggling to find any.

I'm warning you.

I've decided to abandon my original idea

I've engaged all the hero buttons down here,

I've gone for the super absorbent,

I've got a picture of what it did. Look at this!

I've got a text here from Mr Wilman,

I've got nothing at all.

I've got nothing. I've got nothing.

I've got to the bottom of the problem with the BMW.

I've had the Chief Constable, he's chewed my arse,

I've had the Chief Constable, he's chewed my arse,

I've let the Mondeo through. That's a disaster!

I've lost a tampon again!

I've lost my car! Oh, it's there. It's there.

I've lost part of the hat.

I've lost the other nose tampon! Help!

I've never felt closer to it.

Idiotic splitter in peril over the ruts.

If you have lots of Lego...

If you just go down there, you can have a look underneath.

If you want to do a spot of people smuggling.

In a car made from mud.

In fact, I'm trying to think of a metaphor

In here far too fast into Swindon Swings.

In their noise enhanced cars."

In what is an Audi TT Quattro.

Into the narrowness of Old Lady's House.

Is a bit like trying to play tennis with a cricket bat.

Is a really rather effective parking sensor.

Is being absorbed and used by the bodywork.

Is incredible.

Is it not? Right, so, pop that back on there.

Is it?

Is like a boxing match between an actual boxer

Is our barbecue is made from bricks from James's car,

Is sort of triangular and doesn't look right.

Is that a coal lorry?

Is that from the exhaust?

Is this a car? What is it?

Is work out how to go to the other side.

Is your horse ill?

It builds up very neatly, as you can see.

It came with the car, believe it or not.

It did 1:20.4.

It did wound me, because, you know, it's got so much grip

It doesn't blend in with anything.

It doesn't really fit, so I've got a side of beef,

It doesn't really respond very well to delicacy, either.

It doesn't say, "Stick to the side of your car",

It had an arched roof, it had a keystone.

It has scaffolding in the back for stiffness,

It has the fattest back tyres I've ever seen on a road car.

It is a totally sustainable car made of, effectively, wattle and daub,

It is amazing, isn't it?

It is because these two last week blew up my house,

It is exactly the same as making something out of Lego.

It is its anal passage.

It is. That's why they've come up with these traffic lights in London.

It looked tidy.

It looked tidy. Right...

It looks good.

It took all morning to repair my car

It was all down to my cow car.

It was Italy. No, that was last week.

It was the Inaugural Sustainable Living Motorsport Challenge

It will be very effective as a dam.

It's a lorry delivering coal.

It's a river, and not a small one.

It's alive. It's brilliant, isn't it?

It's basically a hedgerow.

It's because you can't crash it.

It's disgusting.

It's easy to be confused.

It's every single week. We're getting a reputation. People are gonna notice.

It's funny, that's the nature of progress.

It's going...

It's good and thick. It's...

It's got a twin turbo, 3.5 litre V6,

It's got a very grey face.

It's just a bit of door.

It's just a four litre flat six, but...

It's just the bones.

It's just the countryside. It's not doing anything.

It's leaking a lot.

It's like holding onto something from the Ron Jeremy range.

It's mud. It's a mud car.

It's neck and neck!

It's not as strong as bone. Bone is three times stronger than steel.

It's not just camouflage, it is hedge.

It's not just the fact it wounds you.

It's not OK to be transgender?

It's not quick, but it gives me more time to enjoy God's creation,

It's not where anybody lives.

It's not.

It's now time to hand the M4 over

It's OK, though. I've just thought of something else we can do to fill the time.

It's really rather pleasant.

It's right here in the blurb.

It's somewhere between spiteful and undrive...

It's still a sports car.

It's still chuckable and deft.

It's technically possible...

It's the wrong time. I want to cross the road.

It's time for us to make a gentle left into Conversation Street.

It's twitchy, it's unpredictable.

It's worse than last time.

It's... the digestive system

James attempted to tie his car back together using a ball of string...

James is making such a racket, isn't he?

James, can you hear me?

James, could you give me a hand?

James, don't be sexist!

James, even given the limitations of the material you've used,

James, how much does it weigh now?

James!

James's new car was finally ready.

Jeremy arrived... in a snuff movie.

Jeremy Clarkson has retired with a maggot infestation.

Jeremy, what's all that smoke up ahead there?

Jeremy's got trouble.

Jesus Christ!

Jumpers, Sunday lunch... spare parts.

Just because we like trees, do you?

Just came to fiddle with my microphone,

Just climb.

Keeping your ears open for Hammond's pitiable screams.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jimmy Carr!

Last week, as I'm sure you'll remember,

Last week, as I'm sure you'll remember,

Leave in the sun, then drive through a river."

Leaving James in his dissolving car,

Let's bring up the er...

Let's bring up the leader board, if we can.

Let's bring up the leader board, if we can.

Let's find out.

Let's look on the bright side. If this doesn't work as a car,

Let's not get bogged down with who caused the accident, cos it was you.

Let's put the time up. There it is.

Like many people, I don't really like the idea of the Porsche 911,

Like the Porsche, it's made from exotic lightweight materials...

Little spindly arms throwing a brick.

Look at that.

Look at the smoke!

Look at this.

Look in the ashtray? He's small, but he's not that small.

Look. Listen, this is why I drive a Golf GTI, OK?

Look. You think, "Oh, James's car's falling apart."

May?

Maybe there'll be a nice zoo in this tiny village.

Maybe you're right, it is.

Meant my bodywork started to go off.

Meanwhile, back at base, James was having a rethink.

Meanwhile, back at the pub,

Meanwhile, James's car had shed so much weight

Mind you, I had even bigger problems.

Mine alive, and James's disintegrating again...

Mm. You erm... You bought the last GT, didn't you?

More than 600 horsepower.

Mr Wilman.

Much ruined countryside later,

My car was starting to smell really bad.

My car, the way it disappears into that hedge,

My first four motorcycles,

My mistake. Right, back up the Isn't.

My mum's car, my dad's car,

My reversing bat is working well.

My third and fourth cars,

No time to lose.

No way they're gonna say, "It's not a..." I don't know.

No, because I've just thought of something.

No, hang on a minute, this is North Yorkshire. It's NYPD.

No, hospital. Old folks' home.

No, it just came with the car!

No, it lives in a... It just has a little pouch.

No, law enforcement in Whitby is like cricket.

No, nothing's coming to mind.

No, seriously, it's useless apart from anything else,

No, seriously. James, could you pop the bumper back on?

No, shoo! Shoo in Welsh.

No, slightly different,

No, that's because you'll have a little special place

No, they don't look quaint. They look ridiculous.

No, they don't.

No, they really have. They really have.

No, wait. Sorry. Hang on.

No, what's this boat doing? Shush, everyone! Shush!

No, you can't ask him about that on air.

No, you can't see it because you're trying to looking at it

No, you've all failed

No!

No! Stop!

No.

No.

No.

No. I don't...

No. It's only a second faster than a Porsche 718.

No... No! No! Just stop!

Nobody's interested in watching an American

Nor as aggressively, nor as purposefully.

Not "Swings," that's something completely different.

Not very good on a track,

Nothing we can do to help. Nothing.

Nothing we can do to help. Nothing.

Now it's gone completely.

Now working the ceramic brakes hard

Now, as we know, in recent years the world's carmakers

Now, at this point, I would normally use the word "however"

Now, get me out of here, please.

Now, I hadn't thought of people.

Now, I'm just erm... clearing away the old bone.

Now, last week...

Now, Porsche enthusiasts, by which I mean these two imbeciles,

Now, Richard Hammond is in this car.

Now, there we are. We've already had the 911 GT3 RS round.

Now, Trip Advisor is a website for the mealy mouthed and the bitter.

Now, what we've got here, I think,

Of course he's a right knob,

Of course you are. That'll be easy.

Of James having single handedly restarted the Industrial Revolution.

Of which I am very much a part.

Ofcom, they won't like it.

Oh, "Springs"!

Oh, balls!

Oh, dear, James.

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, for God's sake! The boat!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! ...undriveable.

Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, God! The mortar's dissolving!

Oh, God.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, he's got a mouse in his little bird box.

Oh, hell. I think it looks like

Oh, hello! Oh, mate! You fool!

Oh, hello.

Oh, I'm amazed you weren't hospitalised with that! That's horrific!

Oh, I've lost one of my nose tampons!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, wait. Hang on. "You will be racing against

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Cows leak!

Oh, no! More news from the Sustainable Motorsport Challenge is that... Ow!

Oh, no! No!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, not an hour!

Oh, so Ferrari sold it to you.

Oh, so you crashed your car because mine's got flowers on

Oh, that's gonna confuse him now!

Oh, the... The side's just come off. Yeah, that's...

Oh, they've gone! They've gone! I couldn't see the flag.

Oh, well, James, that's not gonna be you.

Oh, what a start! It's a good start.

Oh, yeah. Let me talk you through this.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! It's a hedgehog!

Oh! Oh, look.

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh! That's dogs and foxes and things, isn't it?

Oh! We're having... God, that's nasty.

Oh. Sorry, text.

OK, continuing up the Isn't.

OK, well, my community of people, make for higher ground.

OK? So they decided to have a clampdown.

OK.

OK.

OK. Right, I want to begin with the new Ford GT.

On A Sustainable Track, or whatever it's called,

On a track carved out of nature itself.

On your hall table with a pencil outline.

One for some change in case you need it.

One for your tracker, for your keys, one for your little penknife.

One of the sound recordists

Only the wattle has been replaced by straw

Only transgender people can cross when that's green?

Or maybe you're a freak and sit in the wrong place.

Or perhaps horrified,

Our guest Simon Pegg sadly fell into the harbour and drowned.

Our tactics so far had been to protect our cars.

Over 11 miles, we're here.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Parps from the exhaust on the upshifts

Perfectly all right. Redundancy's built into it.

Planning a new little hatchback?

Plants breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen.

Please try not to look at the hideous bloodstained water out of the window.

Plus... Plus, James May lost the tent bag.

Power sliding a hedge.

Precisely, so, actually, it might yet be a brilliant start when the start starts.

Prince Charles would love this.

Probably because it doesn't have a tank full of water in the boot.

Produces 120 million tonnes of carbon dioxide every year.

Really winding up that straight six.

Really, really deep.

Reliability, that's what we need here. That is everything.

Richard and I settled down to appreciate

Richard, meanwhile, had added some floral go faster stripes,

Right to the end of the Isn't now,

Right, close them, Hammond. This...

Right, come on. We've just got two miles to go. Yes.

Right, go back to where you were, because, ladies and gentlemen,

Right, here he comes now,

Right, I'll do one for your other eye.

Right, if I go right a bit,

Right, James, if you'd like to start reversing,

Right, now, can I talk about Alfa Romeo?

Right, so that's the UK.

Right, so, now let's see what the M4 did.

Right, this is it.

Right.

Roger.

Round the Unexploded Bomb,

Rubbish. It's undriveable.

Sadly, before I could tell him,

Sadly, though...

Say that they're all slightly different.

See you next week. Goodbye!

See you there.

Seriously, Hammond, you won't be able to see anything unless I do.

Seven speed flappy paddle box,

Shush what?

Shut up! Your car's given me hay fever.

Since Richard is the team bumpkin,

Slightly larger nose tampons,

Smells of nature, I'm in nature,

So as Granny gets older, does the family sit around

So I could use it as a reversing parking sensor.

So I thought I'd take it to our track to see what it was like.

So I was thinking, surely there must be a better way of getting into Britain?

So if he tells me a restaurant's great,

So if you turn it over and there are sparks,

So it's got compost and soil to provide the nutrients required

So Richard and I decided to spend the night at the pub.

So that's a no, he's not coming on.

So the mortar's dissolving and the bricks are just falling off.

So this is... This is the Whitby Town Police we are talking about here?

So we could get back to the start line.

So we had an idea. Are there more sustainable materials that could be used instead?

So what was yours?

So you still need an HGV licence?

So, if you're the farmer, sorry about that.

So, James, could you bring the car in? Yes.

So, let's... Let's move it on.

So, that's a no, then.

Stop!

Straight away, I can tell you the engine...

Struggling to keep up now.

Stuffed my mother's Audi.

Surely he has to admit defeat?

Sustainable all those things.

Test pilots wear specialist equipment.

Than what, my damn toothbrush?

Than?120,000 on a BMW that's not very good on the road,

Thank you for reminding me, Hammond. Yes, I did.

Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

That even the basic cooking models are...

That he was able to get free...

That is a complete mystery, to be honest.

That is absolutely brilliant.

That is out of order! They are getting violent!

That massive ball of smoke in front of us, up front.

That means there's nowhere to put anything.

That Porsche had tried to make a supercar,

That roof is...

That said, the steering wheel is nice.

That story he told me once when we were on holiday.

That was a professional review.

That was annoying.

That was just an homage, really, to the old GT40.

That when immigrants try to get into the country,

That works on the road, really, ever.

That would be a brilliant police drama.

That would be a brilliant police drama.

That you're sort of forced into the seat?

That.

That's a good point.

That's a terrible thing to learn!

That's all he's doing.

That's all it was, 36 hours I'd been on the roads

That's all you want to do. It's nothing to do with expressing your sexuality.

That's always a sign of looking ill.

That's bike territory.

That's cos you're a midget! You don't reach that high up the seat.

That's ecological.

That's gonna make it worse!

That's like a quarter of an inch.

That's more gone.

That's my back!

That's my community, you rural bastard!

That's out of order, mate. You can't. Have that!

That's perfect. Thank you so much, James. If you'd like to step out.

That's unbelievable. That's not good, is it?

That's what matters most.

That's what my car's body is doing right now.

That's what this car is really. It's a sex machine.

That's what's happened. So we're going back...

The amazing thing is, it's not just Audi TTs.

The basic materials for making the bricks

The BMW M4 GTS?

The boat! Stop the...

The bone is taking on the steel!

The bricks have to be baked. You can't just...

The cars from the past started to play dirty.

The difference on this trip, while he's been tearing nature apart,

The eco warrior was ramping up the pace.

The engine, for example, has water injection,

The following morning we were up bright and early

The garden centre is ablaze.

The grip is just astonishing.

The hottest, hardest,

The kindling and the vegetables are from your car.

The MeaTI against the...

The MeaTI, the TreeTI and the PeaTI are ready.

The meeting point was in Wales,

The museum pieces were being driven by three local yobbos.

The next morning, to cheer up Hammond

The only trouble is, that looks so good, I do find myself going...

The planet saving nature of our revolutionary eco cars.

The problem is, though, I can't think of any racing car

The problem is...

The problem was the insurance company said it had to have a burglar alarm,

The Radio Leeds radio car,

The Radio York radio van,

The relentless pressure started to take its toll on our vehicles.

The roof is made from magnesium,

The smell!

The stripes on your Ferrari, OK?

The theory is... we are reducing our impact on the environment,

The thing is, parking sensors are very expensive.

The trouble is, the race track looks the same as the front of the car.

Then there's the ride, which is extremely bumpy,

Then you use the bricks to build the thing like a house.

There are some issues associated with environmentalism,

There are some other issues as well.

There are some spare parts up there.

There are two stripes. How much did you pay for those stripes?

There he is.

There is actually a very good reason for that.

There must be something wrong with that mortar.

There we are, we've looked into it.

There will be a blinding flash of light,

There. Can you see out now?

There's a bustle in my hedgerow.

There's no cubbyhole here, no door pockets.

There's no environment left you've dug it all up.

There's no turbocharging.

There's not a lot of dignity in it, is there?

There's not much car left now.

These are the ones that have got the two blokes on them, isn't it?

They always come in the back of a container lorry,

They didn't go out because it was raining?

They haven't eaten it, they've destroyed it,

They offer an immense and immensely complicated range of cars

They say it's got more power.

They're just very good sports cars.

They're not reflective. They absorb information and pass it on to the creature.

They're pumped up as high as they will go without exploding.

They're...

They've decided they've had enough of people, how they put it,

Think you can mess with us

This competition here now between these two cars

This is a dis... It's awkward.

This is it.

This is like being at home with the windows open.

This is not a car that responds well

This is the car in question.

This looks safe. It's sustainable, is that. That is growing.

This meant all our hopes rested with Richard Hammond

This must be it.

This one, they say, is actually a racing car on the road.

This sustainable living we're doing

This sustainable living we're doing is our barbecue is made from bricks from James's car,

This takes several hours.

Three old fashioned steel cars."

Three, two, one...

Through a cow's butt hole.

Through which I have weaved English flowers and shrubs.

Tickle of power. There it is.

Tickle of power. There it is.

Tightest 911 of them all...

To a man who thinks that sparkling water is basically communist.

To build the body for this car.

To give owners the sense they're driving a racing car,

To let my car flourish and bloom.

To my rather brutal driving style.

To see how James was getting on.

To the Myarth Hill,

Tragic.

Transgender traffic lights.

Tremendous.

Turbos on an engine is God's way of telling you it ain't got enough cylinders.

Turned all the electronic driver aids off,

Two seconds slower, and that's a short track.

Two stripes, a bit like on that Ford.

Two totally different disciplines.

Waiting for James to mend his bodywork, again,

Was it?600? I bet it was.

Watch that go.

We both have around 500 horsepower,

We can see his little eyes. That's lovely. If someone holds this.

We can't get you out anyway

We consulted a map to see where we were going.

We decided he should go first.

We had to get the hammer down.

We have had a few problems.

We headed off to make camp and get supper underway.

We then removed its metal body

We were quickly overwhelmed by the steel cars.

We were reminiscing, as we've been here all week,

We'll just abandon him. Do you think?

We're gonna have to put him out of his misery.

We're gonna set off and go to the pub.

We're here, and we've got to get to here.

We're in a pub. But we have to go back to the start to start.

We're still in the same field where we started.

We've analysed the situation and there is literally

We've analysed the situation and there is literally

We've done ten seconds, and James...

We've looked into it thoroughly,

We've only covered, yes, two miles in two days,

Well, annoyingly, the pork that I bought

Well, apart from your rather tragic tents,

Well, don't be alarmed now.

Well, hang on. I mean, it's not entirely...

Well, hang on. You can't leave me behind

Well, he's just messing everything up. He always...

Well, I'm sorry, but we're gonna set off and leave you behind.

Well, it's a prototype,

Well, James, he's burst

Well, me, I'll tell you. No, 1977,

Well, no, because we've got to link into the next film.

Well, part of the digestive system of an cow.

Well, then what if you're straight?

Well, they were an option. They were?6,000.

Well, to find out, each of us bought a Land Rover Discovery.

Well, you remember the last GT they did.

Well, you would put two women on it.

Well...

Well... that doesn't look like too much of a challenge.

Wha... And you're not gonna show the lap?

What a stupid idea for an event.

What are they for?

What are you doing?

What can I smell?

What do you mean, ruined it?

What do you mean? Well, just said it's no good because I've got one.

What do you think?

What I heard was, "Congratulations, Mr Clarkson,

What I've done, I've built a frame out of hazel,

What if... What if you just want to cross the road?

What is the point of him?

What part of the digestive system?

What Richard and I really needed was help from our colleague.

What smoke?

What we are going to do now is reveal to you

What, are they saying...

What?

What? When you buy a steak, it says "keep refrigerated".

What? I don't like this! I like it. I like it.

What? So, hang on, only tran...

What... It's like being in the '70s with you two!

What...?

What's that one on the right, then?

What's that? It breaks my heart, but it's a small gift for you.

Whatever that is 1.6 litre Golf.

Wheels came off, killed a sheep.

When it goes red, does that mean

When the driving examiner said to me,

When you arrive at a small speed hump in the Porsche,

When you go into battle against the Porsche.

Where all three of us have had a car crash.

Where am I going?

Where Richard Hammond was concealed in this car.

Where the hell does it go next?

Which blew usually when my daughter was doing the school play and ruined it,

Which digs a hole in your back.

Which I hope will last a little longer.

Which I think will be great.

Which means I've got to put it back together again.

Which meant it was lunchtime

Which sounds cool.

Which went well.

Which, if you're watching America, is in London, which is in Britain.

Which, once again, is in Whitby.

While we've been having that conversation, this has extended a little bit.

Who was that?

Whoa!

Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!

Whoa! It's very, very good.

Why are you dressed up like an American footballer?

Why does Ofcom... We're on the internet.

Why not? When your dog dies, what do you do now? You bury it.

Why would you not do that? They're designed for that.

Why'd they make it in a ball shape? What a stupid idea!

With Bob The Builder out of the way,

With Hammond distracted by the hot exhaust burning his bodywork,

With Hammond's car on fire...

With stuff from the butcher's shop,

With that sorted, we saddled up

With the instructions of what we're doing.

With us three well, two making good progress,

Wow! It actually is! It's the NYPD!

Yeah, and, actually, speaking of tracks,

Yeah, back on the power for the bumpy bit towards Sub Station.

Yeah, but we're still broadcast. You can't tell that story.

Yeah, by and large, they are still made of steel and plastic,

Yeah, I don't think it works once the bat is dead.

Yeah, I think that horse is looking very ill.

Yeah, it looked all right.

Yeah, it's not that much space, just to be clear.

Yeah, look, I don't know how much you pay to rent a man normally,

Yeah, no, that's fair enough.

Yeah, so you've got something to reverse up to.

Yeah, time to give it to the American.

Yeah, with 10ps and 2ps. And a tiny screwdriver for mending your glasses.

Yeah, you ran wide!

Yeah!

Yeah! He's moved in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Can I get out now?

Yes, but I'd rather spend ?131,000 on the Porsche

Yes, good man.

Yes, I'm afraid you do. Could you go that way?

Yes, there are some hay bales. I'll follow those.

Yes, there. Look. Can you see?

Yes, we're blocking!

Yes!

Yes! I've got him!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. The least environmental thing on the entire earth.

Yes. Oh, yes.

You are the best driver I've ever seen."

You bloody don't!

You can rent a man for almost nothing.

You can see where the flies have been on it.

You can't have a man and a man, a man and a woman,

You could build a?4 million house in that gap.

You could wait... Just find one of those old ladies with...

You don't have the face! I haven't got a face on it.

You don't need a foundry or a furnace

You don't... You don't wash this car, you water it.

You get 500 horsepower.

You get a single skin brick wall.

You get back in. We'll bring a car in so that...

You have to fill a water tank in the boot.

You haven't behaved like a child.

You just hang it on the hook.

You just need animals to make love to one another.

You know, it's a very good point,

You know, what's incredible about this

You may be...

You raise its nose electrically and all is well.

You see, the thing is... The thing is

You then use that to make the brick shape,

You will have a headache,

You will need a team of men to fold away the spoiler

You... You know what it is.

You'd be no good in Immigration.

You're absolutely right, actually, because that bloke in the hat over there,

You're in the river, we're here.

You're not the one in the bloody bumper!

You're not using him to make a door mirror.

You're speechless, because all the words in your head

You're too good at your job, Hammond. Oh, God!

You've got a picture of it here. Now, this is...

Your car looks crap.

9,000!

11 miles lie ahead.

120 million tonnes!

A man and a woman? But traffic lights are only this big.

A text message. What?

Am I anywhere near the gate? Oh, God!

Bats have sonar, don't they? Yeah.

But it doesn't matter. What doesn't matter?

Certainly. Okey doke.

Clematis? No, it's cleared up.

Did that go well for you? No, it didn't.

Eat it. No!

Erm... How do we know? We haven't started yet.

Five tonnes? Well, that's just idiotic. Well, mud is quite heavy.

Hammond? I'm not talking to you!

Hammond. What?

Hang on. Yes, those. Hello.

Have a look. I'll get down.

Have you become a hippie? No, but I can feel it starting inside me.

He will. Oh, he will. No, I won't.

Hello! There he is.

Hold on. What?

How far away is that? About 15 feet.

How much does it weigh? Quite a lot.

How much? Yeah, loads.

I didn't know that. So only...

I don't turn her into a boot lid! Why not?

Is it? Yeah.

Is it? Mate! Yes, from me and my woodland community.

It just grows quietly. Is it actually a living car?

It's a dead bat! Yeah, it is.

It's a dung heap. It is a dung heap.

It's gone. No, it is genuinely...

It's not the best start. No.

It's probably just a... spring clean. What, for the May Queen?

It's right under there, mud. So it's as good as new? Sort of.

Its stomach lining. Not its stomach lining.

Look at my windscreen. What is that?

Morning. Morning.

No He'll last the day, then?

No, because... It's not very nice!

No, but when he dies... He lives here!

No, it came... A little leather pouch.

No, it didn't work. No. So, there we are.

No, they're not. Well, they are.

No. No?

No. Why?

Not a bad night, actually. It was all right.

Not safe, though, is it? Yes. Hazel, very strong.

Oh, did it not? No, it didn't.

Oh, does it? You've got a pouch?

Oh, my... Oh, God!

Oh, no. 36 hours later

Oh, the cars! Oh, really?

Oh, the sustainable thing. Sustainable cars. So... Yes.

Oh, there they are. How quaint.

Oh, yes. Good point. OK, well,

Oh, your bricks have fallen off, mate. Your bonnet's fallen off.

Open the bonnet. Look in the ashtray!

Open the boot. Inside the seat.

Right, can we finally go? Yes, you can.

Right, come on, then, James. Here we go.

So? Why do you need coal?

Soz. Yeah, he did.

Suddenly, they look stupid. They do.

That is a savage wound! Mine's never done that to me.

That Porsche wounded me. Wounded you?

That's a very good idea. While you...

That's quite a good idea. It isn't a good idea!

They're real? They are for real.

this isn't so bad. It's all right.

To fire up the kiln. What?

Well, he is. Yes.

Well, leather, I suppose. A little leather pouch.

Well, where? Further back? Yes.

Well, yeah, because... What's it made of?

Well, you don't know. No, I do know it's not gonna be you.

What are you doing? I'm making...

What bones? Animal bones.

What green motorsport event? He doesn't say.

What have you done? Well...

What units would you like? Tonnes.

What? Hammond?

What? No, move your feet.

What? We live in London.

What's the matter? Shh.

What's this made out of? Have a guess. Is it mud?

Where are your eyes? About here? At the front of my head!

Where's your windscreen? There.

While you... ...find some mud.

Why is that...? No, because what if you're a lesbian?

Why not? Because it's going green!

Wow! It is!

Yeah, the WTPD. Yeah.

Yeah. What?

Yeah. Hammond? My first car.

Yes. You're sick!

You go outside, and you. Do I have to do this?

You've got flat tyres. No, they're not flat.

...a hedgehog makes a noise...

...and a dog eats some meat.

...and the most exotic.

...has got one of those.

...I decided to go off and be sick.

...of one of Britain's best loved comedians, Jimmy Carr.

...of the road.

...Richard Hammond, I believe, is on fire.

...we began the final two mile leg of our epic journey.

...we decided that environmentalism simply doesn't work.

"...driving away in a manner that causes their wheels to spin and screech."

"...who drive around the town in a circuit

"causing explosive sounding backfiring."

"Congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"

"Developed on the Nurburgring."

"Having built your cars from nature, you will now drive through it,"

"I've got my keys and must remember to take my tracker."

"Inside the seat."

"One aspect of Whitby is the large number of local chavs..."

"Right, Constable,"

"that are doing, like, wheel screeches,

"the Mayor's chewed his arse, now we'll chew your arse."

"the Mayor's chewed his arse, now we'll chew your arse."

"The operation was curtailed due to poor weather."

"They accelerated down the narrow streets"

"We've got these lads well, chavs

"where you will take part in a green motorsport event."

"Whoever does the most laps in one hour wins."