Mum - Season 1 Edit

A lot of people think it's short for Brian.

A swimming pool? What do you do in it?

About this big he was. Still alive. He's got it in his mouth.

All right, all right. Just let me finish.

All right, babe?

All right, Michael?

And her kids.

And her kids.

And I never leave the house again, can we still be friends?

And I sure would like some sweet company

And I sure would like some sweet company

And I was thinking one year me and Kell could save our holidays up

And I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. I mean, it's Jason,

And not just always do what you want to do in, like, the short term.

And now look at me.

And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them?

And Ryan!

And the way she's been with me with everything with Dad...

And then he comes in with this little mouse.

And there's not a bad bone in her body

And we could go Australia for, like, a month or something.

And, in the meantime, I'm just going to relax and have a nice evening.

Answer it. Go on. Don't worry about me.

Are they OK?

Are you kidding me?

Are you not going to look at the, erm...?

Aren't you going to open it?

At least someone's having a worse New Year's Eve than me.

Aw.

Aww!

Back again.

Back again.

Because I don't think I could've got through this year without you, so...

Before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum!

Big Ben! Shush!

But he just happens to be called Budgie.

But I think I'm... I think I'm more of an arsehole.

But it sure would be prettier with you

But that's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

But then she just goes on about the New Testament.

But then you can also wear it...

But, like...

Can I make myself a tea, Cathy? If I can work out which tin it's in!

Can I take this for the cats?

Cathy, can I get the code for your wifi?

Cathy? Cathy?

Come on. It's not even an OBE.

Dave used to love it, didn't he?

Did she, er...

Do they? Yeah. But it's not short for anything, is it, babe?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know where the tea's kept?

Do you know which woman I've always liked? Fergie. Sarah Ferguson.

Do you want to talk about it, love?

Does that mean you like me or...?

Dunno.

Eight, seven,

Er...

Er... there's a pot somewhere with tea written on it.

Erm, I was just about to make some tea for Maureen so...

Erm... No. Not really.

Feel it, then.

Four, three,

From Gdansk and we just used to ring a bell and she'd get us things.

Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom.

Good. They'll like that.

Ha! I got it up eventually.

Ha! Michael!

Had nothing to do with anything that anyone was saying about anything.

Happy Christmas.

Has she got any roll mops?

Have you? That's really nice of you. Thanks, Michael.

He comes in with it in his mouth and he drops it on the carpet.

He puts it down on the carpet, it's still alive, this tiny

He was telling her all about it,

He was telling this girl he did.

He's absolutely terrified. I took him by his tail,

He's upset about something.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, Michael. Everything OK with your mum?

Here she is! The drama queen!

Hey, Michael, do you know where the tea's kept?

Honestly.

How did she know?

How is it?

I can't believe I've upset her.

I can't make her move there, can I?

I can't... I can't even remember taking that.

I didn't know what to put.

I don't know.

I don't think they liked me, you know.

I don't want Jason to go.

I feel as sad as the sisters of Lazarus.

I got my ticket for the long way round

I got my ticket for the long way round

I got my ticket for the wrong way round

I got my ticket for the wrong way round

I guess it evens out.

I had you there with me, didn't I?

I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke.

I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime.

I know you're, like, four times as old as me...

I lost my husband, but I gained Kelly, so...

I love Kelly.

I love New Year's Eve.

I mean, she's a nutcase, but she makes me laugh. She's hilarious.

I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously.

I never understood what it was I was supposed to be celebrating.

I observe life. It's a gift.

I should go and talk to her about it, shouldn't I?

I sort of don't ever want to be away from her, do I?

I take him by his tail and he's spinning about,

I tell you now, Cathy, I'd love to have sex with a black man.

I think she means us.

I think the problem is, though, Mum, that...

I think they might've found me a bit too... unconventional?

I think they're going upstairs to have sex together.

I think they've forgotten about us, babe.

I think you know what's wrong with her, love.

I think you've got a fan in Carol.

I think, sometimes, what you gotta do in life, Mum, is you've got to

I thought you'd given up.

I used to have a swimming pool.

I would. I'd relish the opportunity.

I'll be able to afford 34 swimming pools.

I'll be sure to let my doctor know that I'll be eating them.

I'm a little bit younger than her, aren't I?

I'm not bothered, anyway.

I'm saying I want to make love to them!

I'm so lucky to have her.

I'm sure they're all texting you, sweetie, wondering where you are.

I'm wearing a waistcoat.

I've always definitely thought you were a right arsehole.

I've been looking forward to it for... Well, for just under a year.

I've been trying to give you this.

I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so... I'm sure they'll text

I've just been texting my friend, Mary?

I've never met anyone like her.

I've never really liked New Year's Eve.

If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE?

If it's really important to you...

If you want to go to Australia,

In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter brunch,

In the morning and tell me how bad it was without me

Interesting.

Isn't it? He wouldn't cheat on anyone, not even me.

It was freezing cold and nothing was open.

It was only a little one.

It was warmer in the sea, but she wouldn't get in.

It's a shame, really, cos Kelly loves New Year's Eve.

It's been a funny year.

It's Big Ben!

It's got mountains, it's got rivers

It's got woods that'll give you shivers

It's just to say thank you

It's like one of her best days of the year.

It's up there with, like, Christmas, Halloween, April Fool's Day.

It's very nice. Thank you.

It's your face, it's funny.

Just a drop, Cathy. Don't go mad.

Just be quicker.

Just need a wee first or I won't be able to concentrate.

Just some bits and pieces for the family.

Just to say happy Christmas.

Kelly chose it.

Kelly! Come back, I'm only joking. Kell!

Left a mark on the wallpaper.

Less nice to see Abi.

Little mouse. You could fit it on your finger. Sweet little fella.

Look at the face, Jason! Jason! Look at her stupid face...

Look who I found in the gutter!

Looked him in the eye and smashed his skull against the wall.

Me and Geoff's New Year's Eve parties were legendary.

Michael! Come here

Michael! Happy new year!

Michael! Michael! It's nearly midnight!

Mm hm.

Mm.

Mum, he's not going to Australia...

Mum...

My friend Mary from carol singing, she's 89.

My God, she's clever.

New Year's Eve and I'm stood in some old woman's hallway.

No, and that's fine. Yes.

No, babe, he smiled at me.

No, I can tell these things, babe. I'm an observer.

No, I'm great. Yeah.

No, I'm sorry,

No, it won't. I know it won't.

No, it's just a normal name like Mark or Jonathan.

No, it's just a thank you. That's all.

No, Maureen, it's Jason and Kelly. They're outside having an argument.

No, me neither.

No, no, I expect you were too busy smashing my digital photo frame.

No, no, no, no. I'll not be going there, don't worry.

No, not yet, but it's fine.

No, thanks, that's really kind of you.

No, you do. Honestly. I'm not just saying that.

Not my type.

Not really, love. I think you should go and talk to her.

Of course they liked you, babe.

Of course we can.

Oh, and Maureen... you'll like this...

Oh, God!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Oh, I tried my best.

Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?

Oh, I'm not... I'm not really sure what that's meant to be.

Oh, Kelly, love. Of course I like you.

Oh, Kelly...

Oh, lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes.

Oh, my God, what am I like?!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, so you've got a type, have you?

Oh, thanks, thanks, Michael.

Oh, they're bloody brilliant.

Oh, wow, Michael!

Oh, yeah, it's completely fine. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Bloody hell.

Oh, yeah. They threw me in!

Oh, yeah. What does she say?

Oh, you're considerably younger, yeah.

Oh!

Oh! Just wait till we get to November.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh...

Oi! Dickheads! It's nearly midnight!

OK... They're shouting in the street.

Oohhh...

Packed her bags for her, got Priority Boarding,

Pauline likes to spend her Christmas on the beach so I took her

Pauline, babe. Do you know where the tea's kept?

People might want some, Reg. It's the nice one, it was expensive.

Poor Jesus.

Put some milk in it, buy a kettle, I'd never have to get out of bed.

Right.

Ryan. It's spelt with a Y not an I.

Saying he's going to move there in February.

She doesn't want to go Australia.

She just came out with it. Any black man in particular? Nope.

She made me read it.

She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night.

She sort of pretends she does, but she's such a bad liar.

She wants to have sex with a black man.

She'll never notice.

She's fit.

She's just upstairs.

She's like my twin.

She's really... deep.

She's so funny.

She's very down to earth.

Six, five,

So did I.

So I take him by his tail. Tiny little thing.

So it's basically like buying two coats for the price of one.

So it's rather more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch.

So things didn't go well down the pub, then?

So, erm...

So, how was Christmas?

So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think where I've put that little card

Sorry, Reg, Pauline's not really in the mood.

Sorry.

Stop being a drama queen!

Stop being a drama queen!

Ten, nine

Thank you.

Thanks.

That I'm not going?

That'd burst your bubble.

That's good.

That's got nothing to do with anything anyone's talking about.

That's not for me to say, love.

The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE.

The one I met from carol singing?

The one thing you have to remember about women, Jason,

The one with the prettiest view

The smallest one you've got.

The year would've been a lot quicker.

Then just flick on the switch, make myself a cup of tea...

There you are. Has anyone been in touch?

There's some pretty influential people trying to contact me

They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they?

They were meant to be seeing the new year in at the pub,

They were still going on about my blinis.

They'll leave as soon as they've eaten.

They're all, like, so conventional.

Think about what's best and what's important in the long term,

This is my boyfriend, Ryan.

Tiny little thing it was.

To Mykonos. Didn't I, didn't I?

Took off Christmas Eve.

Two bottle whiskey for the way

Two bottle whiskey for the way

Two, one!

Um...

Very nice, mate.

Very nice.

We had a little woman with a limp. We got her over on a coach

Well, I'm just saying, before I die I'd like to have sex

Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you.

Well, it's December, isn't it, darling?

Well, it's Kelly, wasn't it, on April Fool's Day but...

Well, she's nice and she listens,

Well, thank you for the chocolates and the biscuits,

Well, this is boring.

What a fucking waste of time.

What a fucking waste of time.

What a way to go.

What about you?

What do you think you're going to say?

What, love?

What?

What's he saying?!

What's wrong with her, then?

When I'm gone

When I'm gone

When my divorce settlement comes through,

Why are you having a go at me?

Why didn't you tell me you got the job?

Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan?

Why not?

Women are the same as men, if not better.

Yeah, come in, love. Come in. It's freezing out there.

Yeah, it was quiet, yeah. We had Reg and Maureen for lunch.

Yeah, she did, love. Yeah.

Yeah, that would be a nice thing to do.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised, actually.

Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. I do.

Yeah. I've heard that.

Yeah. They're little angels. Yeah. Mm.

Yeah...

Yep.

Yes, I know and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know.

Yes, we've heard! Thank you.

You can learn to surf in Cornwall.

You did very well for a man who'd never put a telly on a wall.

You don't have to be so stupid all your life, Kell!

You just called me Kell.

You killed a mouse?

You should see your grandmother in the shower.

You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you.

You're being racist.

You're gonna miss me by my hair

You're gonna miss me by my hair

You're gonna miss me everywhere

You're gonna miss me everywhere

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

You've done so well.

Your dad would've been blown away.

And a capital P. Thank you.

And also you do look younger than she does. Thanks.

And she really likes you. Yeah. I've noticed that.

And your wrist. Oh, yeah! Forgot about that.

But I've never had sex with one! Good! You'd eat him alive.

but they've come home. I don't know why he doesn't just thump her.

Can we talk about this later? It won't take long.

Did she tell you what's wrong? Erm...

Do you know she's got Dave's fridge in her bedroom? Yeah.

Do you need to answer it? Sorry. No. I'm sure someone will get it.

Do you remember Kelly on April Fool's Day? Yeah.

Do you remember that Chinese meal? I remember. I remember.

Do you think you might be more comfortable on the sofa? I'm fine.

Do you want to try some? Oh, don't. I can smell it from here.

Erm... Michael!

Go on. Seven.

Has Carol made a cocktail? Yeah.

Have you read it? Not really.

Have you tried refreshing... I don't need your help.

Have you? Mm.

He was just boasting, love. No.

How was yours? Yeah, good, actually. Thanks.

How was yours? Yeah. It was nice to have the girls together.

I am! Kelly's mum's here. Oh, she's not, is she?

I bet that was nice. Michael...

I can't believe you just said that, babe. Oh, my God, you're kidding me!

I can't live in Australia. I know.

I need to reply to Mary. No, I'm sure someone will let them in.

I should probably go down. Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, don't you? I thought that.

I think that's a good idea, don't you? I thought that.

I want to hear about this budgie. No, Reg. He's a helicopter.

I've heard it's prosecco this year, rather than champagne. God...!

I've never really thought of myself as a dickhead. I have.

Is Kelly all right? Quick, it's dripping.

Is Kelly all right? Quick, it's dripping.

is that they are all despicable. Oh, come on, Grandad.

Just enough to shut her up. Reg, stop it, that's awful.

Kelly! Debbie's here! And Ryan.

Looks nice, doesn't it? Oh, it's lovely.

Lovely. Oh, erm... Cathy...

Mm. But he was like that.

My mum's just being hilarious again. Oh, Kell...

New shoes? Yeah.

Nice shoes. Thanks.

Not quite. .. but even if Jason does go to Australia and dumps me

Oh, shut up. Like the **** haven't got enough to worry about

Oh, that was a long night for you, you poor wee thing. Mm.

Oh, yeah, God, she was mad! Yeah, I know!

Oh, yeah, I can see that. Can you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One year at midnight, we all ended up in the pool. No!

Or a nice Jew. How much have you drunk?

or anything like that! I know!

Pauline... What's going on? Jason and Kelly are having an argument.

Reg! Not hard. Just a little whack.

Right, I'd better... Yeah.

Ryan! What? That's his mum! Is it?

Seriously, babe! Just tell me what I've said, Kelly!

Seriously, babe! Just tell me what I've said, Kelly!

Seven? Yep.

She's not speaking to you, Reg. Right. Sorry. As you were.

Small J. How small?

Sorry, I was wondering where you were. Yes.

Sorry, my hands are all covered in chicken. I'll get it.

Swim. Where?

Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning. I am!

That would be lovely. Yeah.

The girls got me them. Ah.

The number or the word, Cathy? The number.

To the end. Then what?

Very arty. Thank you.

Very nice. Yeah.

Was that Jason? Yeah.

We're not going to Australia. Ah, good, mate.

Well done, love. Yeah.

Well, it tasted better than it looked. Move on.

Well... If it was up to me,

When I'm gone When I'm gone

When I'm gone When I'm gone

Where did that come from? Nowhere.

Where would you wee? The kettle.

with a black man and a Jew! It's Jason and Kelly!

with the wifi code on it. Don't be sorry, Cathy.

without you trying to sleep with them. More sherry, Reg?

Wow! What did she get that for? Oh, please.

Yeah, babe! You're kidding me.

Yeah, I know! We're not talking about black people or ******* people

Yeah, I know! We're not talking about sex!

Yeah, it's right next to my bed. OK.

Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow. Very nice.

Yeah. Probably. Cathy!

Yes. I did it all like a big surprise.

Yes... He stuck a pillow in her face. Put her out of her misery.

You all right, darling? Yes.

You all right, love? Yeah...

You know he said he didn't get that job in Australia? Yeah.

You read her books? No. Are they good?

.. I can't, though, can I?

.. you have to go.