Baywatch (2017) Comedy Soundboard Edit

Ah!

Ah..

All right

All right, let's go

All right. I'll give you another shot.

All right. You're just slowing me down, anyway.

All you had to do was be a lifeguard

Am I gonna be in the sequel?

And helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle,

And I heard you were a charmer. Guess that's an understatement, too.

And instill a toughness in you that will carry you through birthdays,

And now you're trashed.

And the girls on that boat had the same drugs on them

And then we're...

And this better not come back to me.

And you handled it really smoothly

Aw.

Back home, my younger brother was given the family business to run

Because you are gonna kill someone with that technique.

Black market organs from the Boogie Board Bandits?

Boom

Both of these bodies were dead before they hit the water.

Broken neck in multiple places.

But Mitch hasn't answered the phone since he was fired

But there is a "me

But who's to say anymore?

But you got a lot to learn.

By this time tomorrow,

Can you help me?

Check it out. I'm undercover.

Check this out.

Come and see where you're gonna crash.

Come on!

Come on.

Cool, cool, cool.

Do you want breakfast?

Do you want me to help you?

Don't ever do that.

Don't you know he's a friend?

Dude, we are penetrating the shit out of this place.

Eh... All right, C.J

Ellerbee, you got to get down to the Huntley ASAP.

Everyone says hi. Come back, man.

Excuse me, ma'am...

Feels very comfortable letting her two kids run

Fuck it.

Fuck it. Mitch, can I please turn the C.B. off in my room?

Get a stretcher ready.

Get off that boat, Mitch.

Get the fuck out of here! This is my beach!

Go, Baywatch

Go, go, go!

Good luck out there, man. Good luck

Got it?

Grown man wears spandex to work

Guys, if you want to find drugs at a party,

Hebrew school.

Help!

Help! Please!

Here. Keep the whole bottle.

Hey

Hey, other than him, we did good, right?

Hey, technically, these "technically's" are wasting a lot of time, technically.

Hey, um..

Hi, Mitch.

His neck was broken in multiple places.

His presence in your life is brief, but it will scar you

Hit it.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! That's it.

How do I define myself?

Huh.

I couldn't sleep last night. I am so excited

I dare you to say one thing without the ocean in it.

I dare you.

I don't like confined spaces

I eat fire coral and I piss saltwater!

I got my dick stuck in a chair earlier.

I got us to the morgue.

I got where I am today completely by myself.

I heard he invented Google and gave it all to charity

I know. It's okay, you're not.

I legit needed those for my taxes

I lost way more than they did.

I made it onto..

I told you, you don't have to do this every day

I want to help.

I want to introduce you to our new captain

I was hoping we'd see you here.

I will start combing the beach first thing at sunup.

I'll bet Lurch over here knows where Chen is

I'll get the car.

I'll meet you at the top

I'm actually already on the team

I'm an animal lover, but I will put you down

I'm Matt Brody

I'm more motivated than ever

I'm so glad you came

If you put other people in danger. Okay?

Impulsive, but incredible.

Is much more than you expected, right, the stakes are higher.

It's a way of life

It's all good.

It's just ready for action

It's like Breaking Bad in there.

Just know that Baywatch is more than a job.

Just like C.J., always picking up strays.

Just..

Kinda feel like this is your year

Ladies and gentlemen.

Lady, get out of the way!

Leeds is right there. I'm gonna go check it out.

Let me tell you something, man,

Let's check it out.

Like calling a tall guy "Shorty"?

Listen to what she's saying

Listen, I know where the flakka is.

Look, I know that the club's kind of "fancy"

Look, you're on the team,

Looks like you got your beef and your biscuits

Man, I heard he invented the cure for the common cold.

Maybe this is why we keep losing recruits.

Miss Leeds, I'm approaching the barge.

Miss, are you okay?

Mitch, I can't get the swelling to go down

My balls are talking..

Nah..

Nice and easy.

No one wants to see that

No shit. I couldn't agree more.

No, I don't know.

No, no, I got the council to sign off on your real estate proposal.

No, not C.J. Not C.J

No! You're looking big

No. God damn it!

None of them are working anymore. I think it's over

Oh, could I...

Oh, God

Oh, God.

Oh, my God

Oh, my God, I got it!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, right up that way.

Oh!

Oh?

Okay, that ocean out there has riptides

Okay. Let's see what we got here

On Devil's Urchin

On your little motorcycle, thinking you're cool,

Ooh!

Over here!

Owe you an apology

Please don't die

Please! Help!

Portside!

Portside.

Refrigerators?

Right now I gotta deal with your new publicity nightmare.

Right, Phil, Sarah?

Rodriguez, that's it. The dead guy.

Ronnie, C.J., right now. Let's do this

Sand grifters.

She came up to you, she was very nice and warm

She smells like cheese toast and chowder.

Shit, shit, shit!

Shit! Oh, my God. I can't believe I just did that.

Smile

So we gotta make it right

So you are being serious

So you can't blame me for celebrating.

So you just need to fill out this form and take off your shirt

Start out on the right foot. That's it.

Straight over the firewall.

Summer, this is your day today.

Take that, motherfucker!

Tell me, where are your friends?

Thank you.

Thanks, Mitch. That's right

That must be my phone. I probably left it in the, uh, nap room.

That system is so stupid and flawed

That was a cheap shot, man!

That's how he was killed. Broken neck.

That's how we roll

That's not nice

That's not our job. That's not what we do.

That's polluting.

The big red button

The lady that I saved, she didn't seem to mind.

The only way this whole thing is gonna work out

The rescues don't mean a thing

There's more to this job than just swimming

There's no "I" in "team

There's not a problem for me.

They need you.

Things could've gone a lot worse.

This is your house, isn't it?

This was a bad...

Thorpe? What are you talking about, "Thorpe"?

Trying to work on your killer tan...

Ugh, my God.

Uh huh.

Uh, so Dave had access to Leeds's server.

Um, I don't know.

Victim is male, five foot nine...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We have a problem

We haven't had a dead body on the beach in years.

We wanna thank you, we expect to see you next year

We want to thank you for a great year of qualifiers.

We're going to deflate the situation together

We're on the go!

Well, she's not going to bite you, for Christ's sakes.

Well, someone has to.

Well, you need to find another beach to go to.

What about his bank accounts?

What do we do?

What the fuck!

What the fuck?

What the hell is taking you so long?

What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team,

What you, uh... What you doing there, killer?

What?

What?

Which is impossible, but it'd be so cool

Which technically makes this a crime scene.

Which you definitely don't,

Who do you think they're gonna sell it to?

Who's your daddy now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Why do you get to play Mitch Buchannon?

Why does she always look like she's running in slo mo?

Why don't you put a baby in me?

Why has no one else figured this out?

Why? Because I'm a woman

Why'd you have to go snooping? Hmm?

Will give you enough adrenaline

Will it work? Maybe.

Without getting a little dirt under their fingernails.

Wow, that's really impressive.

Wow, you look really nice.

Yeah

Yeah, I heard. Everybody's heard

Yeah, I know. I messed up. Okay?

Yeah! C.J.!

Yes, she did.

Yo, move!

Yo, this cooler is... Cool.

You all right, all right.

You and C.J. take Rescue One.

You are so selfish.

You don't get one.

You have to listen to me!

You just said my real name

You know what I'm saying?

You need to start studying!

You okay? Help! C.J

You sure?

You think this was easy?

You want to be here on this team, on our team,

You work in an office

You, uh... You got me

You're like a greasy, hairless gorilla.

You're trying out today, right?

You're wearing worker man shoes?

'Sup. Hey.

and you push it out. No, no

Can you handle that, Malibu Ken? Yeah.

Councilman Rodriguez. Uh... Yeah.

God damn it. Keep it together

Heck, yeah! Thank God you're pretty.

Hide. Hide! Put him away.

How does it look? How does what look?

Huh? Well, I wouldn't... Dave...

I care about you. Ugh.

I'm gonna take the WaveRunner. "10 73"?

Just go with the flow, Brody. Yeah, you were in a very bad accident.

Mitch? Yes, Mitch.

No. Okay, good

Not if we stop her first

Oh, Christ, that's... Councilman Rodriguez.

Oh, my God! Take my hand.

Oh, my God! Where's your phone?

Oh, no. What?

Probably in record time. Yeah?

Ronnie

Shut up, Dave. Hey, Ronnie

So how did he die? That's the question.

Some other time. No...

Summer? What's a 10 73? Fire!

This is so awkward, dude. Hold on. Hold on.

This way? Uh huh.

Three of them, actually. I'm sorry.

Undercover, yeah. Yeah.

What is it? It's all right

What up, Vern? What's up, Mitch?

What? God, why do I keep looking?

♪ A fighter