Da Ali G Show - Season 1 Edit

A crowd's starting to form, let's get out of here.

A honky in the United States is not a nice term for a male.

A television, remote control.

A woman won't go out with you she thinks that's all you want.

After my man Brinkman finally finished his shit.

Again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her...

All right, tell me what you enjoy, your interests.

Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.

America's most wanted. Have you seen this man?

And 'im goes to the travel booker

And any time you hear 2310 on the radio,

And apparently it weren't true.

And he's well full and everything.

And if they are out you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that. Ja?

And it was about these two naughty college girls

And it's our job to put the right people in the right seats.

And maybe one year ago it was "Ich don't think so",

And she must be tight,

And she must have a good physique.

And swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide.

And that's what makes something funny,

And the opposite of the moon being full is..

And the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel

And them hadn't done their 'omework

And then, as punishment,

And there is still racialism, even to the native people, what is they called, the...

And to... (Mumbles)... ate.

And what is the conspiracy things?

And you can say, "This is the Venus Trot."

And you can use the moon or Mars or Venus

Apart from that bloke in the Village People,

Ask him to Lloyd Klein, over there.

Barbra Streisand would go to the opening

Because they mix the real with the absurd.

Before American woman will allow you in her vagine

Big up yourself... Buzz. Keep it real.

Booyakasha! America has h'invented

Booyakasha. Check it out.

But how do they really know what is exists

But if she cheat on me, I will... crush her.

But if you cheat on me, I will crush you.

But it's... Why is it funny cos the hotel is full?

But not... not much, maybe one year or...

But that doesn't mean that it has any connection

But they say you can be a honky but still be hung like a donkey.

But what was it like not being the first man on the moon,

But you was the first geezer ever to actually do it?

But your country's got problems too.

C'est la muse de Chrysler.

Choosing which celebrity goes with who.

Cos I am Chrysler's muse in Austria. Seriously, I'm...

Cos I has seen a picture of J Lo

Cos me saw this film called Barely Legal 3

Debbie Harry's having a second moment.

Define as crimes.

Did you get that money from someone?

Did you like some things about your wife?

Do you have a wife?

Do you need another model, would you like...?

Do you need any more models?

Do you think man will ever walk on the sun?

Do you wanna be a cop or not?

Do you wish me success tonight?

Don't move. You is fucking with the wrong cop.

Er, no. You can call things by different names

Even if it's using your body, your sexual organs,

Even though I am big, like a can of Pepsi?

Got all the credit for inventing the moonwalk

Got the siren on.

He is the god of seating plans,

He walk on the street.

He's handcuffed. Put it back in his pocket.

He's... crap.

Hello, Jenny, nice to... to meet you.

Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America

Hm. Well...

Honey, you won't qualify for our membership

How come you never see them in prominent jobs?

How do I find if she will be a cheat?

How do I know if she want me to take her...

How do I show her I have a senses of humour?

How old is your child?

Hr‡ng, my sac, is heavy.

I am Chrysler's... You know the designer? I am his muse.

I can see the motherfuckin' gun. Put them up.

I don't like men that cheat on me.

I don't think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists.

I have all the male models, they're here.

I have now been, er...

I haven't seen those pictures.

I is here with none other than my main man, Buzz Aldrin.

I just wanted to say, if you want,

I know this is a sensitive question

I like shoot dog.

I like swimming.

I like, er, play table tennis.

I thought it was funny cos he's full...

I want her to have no history of retardation in family.

I was Attorney General. My name is Meese.

I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein...

I wasn't sure that it was funny, you said it was funny.

I will give you money, I will give you automobile car,

I will love her. We will be as one.

I wish you success in the future

I'll ask the names. So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so".

I'm doing the bit with the underpants.

I'm sorry.

I's got a joke about space, do you wanna hear it?

I've years of experience in the fashion business.

If possible, she must have plough experience.

If she wants you to go to bed with her? How do you know that?

If there were some things you liked about her.

If they are in, we go, "Vassup." You go, "Vassup."

If you have any more questions, just give me a call.

If you met your ideal woman?

If you want to make sure the show is classy,

If you're kissing and petting, then it just sort of goes... naturally.

If you're prepared to crush a woman.

II demande si... Il veut savoir s'il peut faire le mannequin.

Il faut aller demander ‡ Lloyd.

In America, if you say that on your profile,

In some Philadelphia police recruit training.

In the US and A, if you want to marry a girl,

In which the officers will respond to some incidents.

It doesn't matter.

It must really get on your tits, but let's just sort it out

It was a strict rule that if you didn't do your 'omework

It was Neil Armstrong and no,

It's like an ethnic slur.

Just do something for them about safe sex, how to keep safe.

Keep your distance!

Keep your distance.

Let's talk about who is in and who is out.

Like a man's anus.

Like Marianne Faithful is having a "vassup" moment too.

McDonald's, gangsta rap, spaghetti and swimming.

Me know you has been asked this a zillion times,

My first... My older wife.

My is... My, er...

My name is Borat.

My name is Jenny.

Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon.

No *******, OK.

No, it's not... We're handling a situation.

No, not a criminal, a woman who go with another man and...

No, the hotel is full.

No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you.

No, when do me and you have a sexy intercourse?

No.

No. The sun is too hot, it is not a good place to go to.

Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody who's dead.

Now she has a chance to be "vassup".

Now, "vassup".

Of encountering any living being whatsoever.

Of the Frankfurt Allgemeine Zeitunggesch‰ft!

Oi, did I ask for to have a chat with you?

Oi, that ain't the time to get her number, man.

OK, attractive.

OK, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.

OK, or anything negative?

OK, tell him you see the gun.

OK, this is what we do on a "man with a gun" call.

One black male, one white male.

One week without any sexy intercourse.

Or the person being full and that's an absurd condition.

Put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us.

Put your right hand up, sir.

Remote control, a red dress, I hope will fit her.

Right. Once a person's dead, you should really put it aside.

Screw around on you. OK, right.

Search him! You wanna be a cop or not?

She's talking about a clothing line "Ich don't think so."

Should I tell her she reminds me of my wife?

Should I tell people that I am good at sex?

So all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong.

So the purpose of this show is to h'educate, to motivate

So what is illegal?

So you better realise that these things is important.

So you have a good life and back home

So, when you arrived on the moon,

Some guys jumped us, they beat us up.

Some of the bestest things in the world

Talk about the environment you're in,

Talk about what she does for a living and about her.

Teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex.

Thank you for coming in today

That all of us engage in on a day to day basis is legal.

That gets into technicalities and that's why you have trials.

That is so... wicked!

That was Cop 101 at the Philadelphia Police Academy.

That would probably be governed by the rules of the institution.

That's right. The moon does exist.

That's why you need to date her before you get married.

That's wicked.

The chair, er... walk...

The main man, 2310, with my man, Brinkman.

The sun is not cold in the winter.

There is a monster from outer space

There was absolutely no thought...

There, take your hand. (Laughing) You gotta touch!

There's been nuff sadness since the terrible events of 7/11.

They bring too many gifts.

They had to have a three header with their supervisor, this teacher.

They is callin' our name on the thing.

This is Officer Brinkman.

This week's subject is the law.

Three, OK. Good.

To book like a hotel on the moon

To her... her vagine.

To see if Great Expectations is right for you.

To what it would be like for a horse... moving on Venus.

Um, honey, I have zero plough experience.

Us American women, we don't have plough experience.

Was the people who lived there friendly or was they scared of you?

Was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong?

We don't need any male models, we have about 40.

We don't talk like that here.

We refer to the person as a white male.

We think that's cheating.

We'll be together.

We're doing a charity as well,

We're doing a lot with these deaf children, which we're getting behind,

We're going to Valer Hall, where we'll meet Sergeant Hyers

Well, I can't say. Everybody's different.

Well, I mean... Celine Dion.

Well, I think most conduct

Well, that's a law of sorts.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

Well, when you kiss each other.

What did you think?

What do you say to all those conspiracy theorists

What happens if they see us?

What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold?

What is barely legal?

What is illegal is...

What is legal?

What should I talk about with her?

What size gift will get me entry...

What the elected representatives of the people

What was you watching?

What would you like to see happen

What's a bloke, man?

What's going to happen today is you're going to participate

When do we have sexy intercourse?

Whenever you both agree on that.

Where is we going to now?

Where you mix the absurd with the real.

Which is real, and the term "full"...

Who come up to you and say,

Who else is "Ich don't think so" now?

Who is going on a trip round the universe

Who still had a policeman, a fireman and someone from the Navy to protect him.

Who'll take us through some of the recruit scenario training.

Why don't you give me a little bit on... on personality traits you're looking for?

Wicked. So listen up

With dating and relationships.

With the shoes...

With two massive... geezers' dongs there

Women in America feel that any act of sex, be it oral, erm...

Women in America feel that any sex with somebody else,

Yeah, but if you want, I don't mind.

Yekshemesh.

Yes, I do not care about her. She is gone.

Yes, I want her to be blonde,

Yes, it is nice.

Yo, Brinkman, is you good cop and I is bad cop?

Yo, stick your head in that ground and eat the dirt.

Yo, this be 2310.

Yo, this be 2310. We be back on the road

Yo, we is here looking for a burglary.

Yo, what's the matter with you?

Yo! Yo, mofo.

You applied that to either the hotel being full

You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.

You came here saying, "I wanna be a cop."

You can break up with her and divorce her but you cannot... No crushing.

You can do... But no words.

You can give them a message?

You can take this when we get out.

You can't curse.

You cannot just go to her father's house

You don't need your gun. What do you need that for?

You has 'eard about the moon and about space.

You has heard it here. It does exist.

You have to put this out. Look, look...

You make sure you do not have which celebrities?

You must do something called dating.

You picked the wrong cop to fuck around with, slimeball.

You remind me my wife.

You should check them out, it's amazing.

You will come back my country, I will look after you,

You will crush her?

You'd probably look for some of the qualities your wife had.

You'll push this side button and say, "2310."

You're gonna be 2310 car.

You're not gonna find Americans with plough experience.

You're very welcome.

2310, there's three men. One brother, one honky, and one...

'for a report of a burglary.' No doubt.

"Ich don't think so"? Yes, for 20 years.

(Ali) Yo! Gonna put on the siren. (Siren)

(Hyers) Still do your job. OK.

(Hyers) Your new partner. Yo, respec'.

(Laughter) What's the "S"?

(Radio) 'OK, no profanity here.' Sorry about that.

(Woman) Yes. 13 inch colour television.

Ah, look at this. What have you got?

And I wish you the best. Thank you.

And we went there. Yo, listen up.

And you're...? I'm his muse.

as you've recommended it. Yo, it's well good...

Barely Legal? Barely Legal 3.

Can I borrow yours? Right now?

Come on. All right.

Could I make a good cop? Er, probably not.

Don't do it. Be careful. Cool.

Er, I need to wear them. OK.

Except it's very hot. There's horse...?

For a... for a white person. Why not?

For real, I has done a couple. OK

Full. And you...

Full. Yeah.

Go to bed with her? Sexy time. Yeah.

Ha, ha! The chair is walking! Right.

Has you seen that film? Yes. No, I haven't.

He might have another gun. You thought that was funny?

He needs them. OK.

he was very, very qualified. Well, whatever.

He'll say you stole it. He probably nicked it.

I don't like that either. Yes.

I don't like touching blokes. Let's go.

I have a joke. Uh huh.

I like it in the mouth very much. But that's what I mean,

I like... Snoop Dogg?

I really should tell this joke? Probably not.

I won't charge you anything. Great.

I'll give you cover. OK, all right.

I'm Bruno. Chrysler's muse. Yes.

I'm here. You know who I am? Mm hm.

If you want to go to bed with her? Yes.

Is empty. ...the new moon.

Is that right? I'm judge and jury

Is that to do with the law? Er... It's hard to say.

It exists... What?

It's my money, man. Put the gun away!

Just be... But not with words, don't...

Keep your distance! Stop it, motherfucker!

Let's do the search! Let's go.

Me and you? Yes.

No doubt. You took the moon,

No, don't point it at him. It's fake.

No. But I am...

No. Same qualities your wife had,

Not as a honky. Why not?

Not in your pocket! Why not?

Oh, great. I'm here if you want.

OK, great. But if she cheat on me...

OK, that's fine. He's got a fake gun.

OK, walk around him. Yo.

OK. Is you upset Michael Jackson

OK. Your previous wife? Yes.

Possibly. (Radio) '2310 car.'

Put your gun away. (Hyers) Put it away.

She is dead. Oh, OK.

She's fabulous... "Vassup".

Shoot dog. Shoot. Oh, OK.

So he claim. Phone number real quick.

So what is Paul Wilmot? Well, I mean...

So, are... I will give her television,

So, Jennifer Lopez. Oh, what's up. Double what's up!

So... That's him. Is that the geezer?

Spanish. (Ali) One Spanish.

Tell him to stop. Yo, stop it!

That's good. He wasn't here at the time.

That's pretty good. That is...

That's what we do! That is disgusting!

The college. Yo, in this institution

The cone shack? There's been a burglary.

The designer Chrysler? Oui.

There is a chair... Mm hm.

There you go, 2310. Yo, this be me,

There's horse on Venus? No, no. I'm just...

This is my partner. Yo.

Three men... Yo, three men.

to her? What do you mean by "entry"?

Touching what? Blokes, blokes.

Vassup, she's a double. What about... er, Debbie Harry?

W What? No, keep it down. All right, so they don't know.

Was she "Ich don't think so"? Absolutely, for 20 years.

We can't just go up and start shootin'. For real.

What about race? Er...

What does it mean, oral? Mouth.

What? That's when it's dark

What's going on? You like the taste of steel?

What's he got? Get a hand free, take the gun.

What's missing? You his partner?

What's that for? I don't wanna touch.

Where's the gun? Where did we see it?

Where's this from? OK, he's got money.

Why is it funny again? Things are funny or comedic

Why you laugh? I think that's sweet.

Why you laugh? She dead. OK.

Wicked, man. We'll do some scenarios

Wicked. All right.

Wicked. OK, there he goes.

Wow! ...worldwide.

Yeah, for the end. Great. Sure.

Yeah, I mean... No.

Yeah. I know. He's been eating stuff

Yes, but... Cheat and take money from you?

Yes, I know. Yeah.

Yes. Well, it's a funny image.

Yes. You know what I'm saying?

Yo, it's a well good law. Yes.

Yo. The horse could trot on Venus.

you can provide for her? Yes. Yes.

You can't curse. Tell him to get on the ground.

You don't want to say that... I'm more good than many men.

You go in first. Put it down. We don't need it.

You have to practise it first. Yes.

You should check it out. I will now,

You tried this with a fake? He might have another.

You wanna wear them? Yeah, for the finale.

You want? For the moment it's OK.

you would get boned. Right.

You're open to all races? Er, yes, but no Jew.

You're... Who's the good cop?

your mouth, your hand... I like mouth.

Your name please? Guinevere.

'Eagle, you're looking great. Coming up nine minutes.'

'Eagle, you're looking great. Coming up nine minutes.'

'You should be at the cone shack in the middle of the driving course.'

"cos the moon is full."

"Does the moon really exist?"

"Ich don't think so". I mean, you know, let's face it

"Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"?

(# Disco rock)

(# East European folk pop)

(# Fast techno)

(# Hip hop, scratching)

(# Luniz: I Got 5 On lt)

(# Slow R&B groove)

(Ali) Yo, yo, yo. (Radio) '2310 car.'

(Ali) You might be lying. How do we know there was a telly?

(Borat) Do I need to bring a gift?

(Brinkman) Know what a burglary is?

(Brinkman) OK, now put that down.

(Brinkman) Tell him to put his hands up.

(Laughs) No, don't put that out the window.

(Police radio, sirens)

(Radio) 'Take 8501 State Road and meet the complainant

(Softly) Be careful. Be careful.

(Softly) Say no. Be careful. Just be careful.

(War cry) Them ones.

# Avoidin' all the dick teasers, skeezers and weirdos

# Creep on in, on in

# Give me two bucks, you take a puff and pass my bomb back

# Hear dis

# Hear dis, boy #

# I come to school with the taylor on my earlobe

# Kinda broke you see me

# La la la la la #

# See I'm riding high, riding high

# So all I got is five # I got five!

# Suck up the dank like a slurpy... #

# That be blowin' up the land like where the bomb at?

# Whooo