Big Mouth (2017) - Season 1 Edit

A different picture every day, you show them together real fast,

A house, a house, tis nothing but a house.

A hug from your friend's father while he holds a magazine.

A lot of Nick's appeal is revealed the more you get to know him.

A lot of people do that.

A lovely thing about Christmas is it's compulsory.

A mons push is a preamble to sexual intercourse.

A nun's covering her with a blanket.

A scream can be music.

A seamstress? Bed Bath & Beyond? I don't know

A sleeping giant ready to awaken at any moment.

A woman's bosom should resemble the wild, sweet oranges of Valencia

A word?

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aah!

About publishing rights,

About these milk baths my mom gives me for eczema.

According to Nick, girls are horny too.

Acne wash, and your scraping brush?

Actually, I did manage to grab this on the way out.

Actually, I don't really feel comfortable kissing you on the lips anymore.

Actually, I have to wet it manually every hour. It's a real nightmare.

Actually, I sat in ice cream on purpose. I was trying to cool down.

Actually, she was a gift from the French

Actually, that is so you.

Actually, your dad is a lemon

Actually, your dad is a lemon.

Adrian, you stole a cookie from the cookie jar.

Adrian!

After a slow miserable battle with cancer. Ha ha! Idiot.

After all that stuff you said about Nick's mouth.

After tonight, we need never fear again.

Again, I'm gonna stay out of this,

Against bitch ex wives and asshole ex husbands,

Agh hh!

Agree with Devin. She is the alpha, and she must be satiated.

Ah hh!

Ah, come on, you wanna slam dunk her pussy

Ah, here's the Athleta catalog.

Ah, the boy is asleep. What a kid.

Ah, yes, a fair price for a marvelous hat. [groans]

Ah, yes. The student has become the master.

Ah. This must be the famous Nick Birch.

Ahem. Yeah, I guess I should probably go check on Andrew

AKA "Ookie Cookie," AKA "Cum on a Cracker."

AKA another example of American mythmaking, gang.

AKA I am not able to sign myself up, AKA I cannot read.

AKA the Statue of Liberty,

AKA where we're going on our class trip today, kiddo

All I do is fantasize about girls.

All I know is Lia says girls get horny.

All I wanted was a blowjob at a high school party.

All I wanted was to be a part of a fun sleepover

All my life I've been waiting for them to go down there.

All right, Andrew, this is your journey. You must be your own shaman.

All right, dum dums, I don't even know if you can handle the idea that I've got.

All right, everyone, file in. This is our line up room.

All right, fine, I'll leave.

All right, fine. Let's just, uh, get back to basics.

All right, it's clear what happened here

All right, jeez! Calm down, ladies.

All right, kids. Welcome to the Bridgeton Police Department.

All right, knock it off, you two. Jeez, Louise.

All right, loading.

All right, next task: you guys have got

All right, Nick, let's go to New York!

All right, once I press play, our lives will be changed forever.

All right, Pat. I'll see you tomorrow.

All right, round up the **** and make 'em walk in a line.

All right, so where were you on the night of August 21?

All right, that's it! Let's find a curb

All right, well, hasta la vista.

All right, where are the cameras? [chuckles]

All right.

All right. Calm down, you swine.

All right. I don't know what's going on

All right. I got gay ass wine for you and your gay ass theater friends.

All right. There we go, bro, you've got a girlfriend.

All right. Well, either way, uh, that was very noble of you

All right. Wrestling is apparently not what we're doing here today.

All the way back to the early Paleolithic cave drawings.

All the while we got Coach Steve in custody,

All you do is make me sore and hairy and bloated

All you need to know

Allow me to introduce you to famous deceased homosexuals

Also, before we go in there, you know me.

Also, bye ee!

Also, it's the best time to be gay since ancient Greece.

Also, look at her feet. She got those dildo feet.

Also, they need to load this little motherfucker from the back.

Although, if memory serves, we did make a few woolly mammoths blush.

Am I a lucky guy or what?

Am I gonna be okay?

Am I on Jerk'd ? [laughs]

Am I out of my mind here? We could be at The Rock's house,

Amazing. Oh, but this site says I need to be 18.

Amen.

An alternate dimension where pornography comes to life.

And "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree."

And a high school party... [chuckles] sounds pretty brave.

And all of a sudden, I'm The Machine?

And Andrew, I didn't want to play the jazz card,

And Andrew, those city kids, they're not cooler than you.

And another opens.

And anyone who does magic is a disappointment to his father.

And as long as he's around, rock and roll will never die.

And as your friend, I want to help you out

And at some point I actually am going to need that Ezekiel bread.

And besides, you don't know what's in that backpack.

And best of all, "Hooker Killer: Vatican City."

And birthed three beautiful children

And buy me mini fridge.

And by the way, you could do a lot worse than Andrew Glouberman.

And call the fucking shots!

And chemical bonds that exist between two atoms that share electrons

And crooked Shannon forced you to buy that dress

And didn't ask a single question.

And Don Henley doesn't call you on your birthday anymore, man.

And drives me passionately to you.

And eat everyone's ass out.

And evidently, that's one of their triggers

And finally, this is where the magic happens.

And for girls we're just a yarn ball of aching tubes?

And for the last time, get rid of the cameras in my house.

And for your 411 formation, it's tough being in charge

And get those weird little braidy things in our hair.

And girls go with girls

And have flat iron hair

And he loves her so much but they can never truly be together

And he stole my intellectual property.

And he was, like, eating pistachios the whole time, which felt rude.

And he's been faking his blindness his entire life

And he's not into it, that could ruin everything.

And he's only a monster when he does coke.

And her husband Greg.

And her mom was just about to make some decaf yerba mate.

And here to give us the inside scoop is Nick

And here's how you're gonna do it.

And here's the thing with balls...

And his long fingernails are because he uses a harp in his act.

And I I hate to say it, but I end up regretting it.

And I bet you're calling me a fucking bitch right now.

And I don't get any toenail clippings after we

And I don't think his "frosting factory's" open for business yet.

And I fill them with Amy's Organic Lentil Soup,

And I guess as goes Nick so goes Andrew.

And I guess I'm going to a high school party.

And I guess it just seemed like being gay might actually be great.

And I have had the distinct honor of being Jessi's guide.

And I just felt uncomfortable with you having the Yankees so close to your..

And I just want you to know, Daniel...

And I know nobody talks about it but everyone gets their period

And I love you. I'm in love with you.

And I make one drawing of 23 teachers having consensual sex,

And I only take bubble baths.

And I pity the poor girl who makes the mistake of kissing you next.

And I think it happened because I am truly excited

And I think Nicky misses him.

And I think this red bra scares both of us

And I thought I was gonna like this

And I thought my butt was bleeding and I was like, "Oh, no."

And I thought my butt was bleeding and I was like, "Oh, no."

And I was thinking we should just wear, like, our regular boring clothes, right?

And I wasn't ready for all those eyes on me.

And I watch you marry a guy named Joel.

And I wore white shorts

And I'd like to make love to your daughter while you the dad go down on the mom.

And I'll tell her all my secrets, and then we'll break up,

And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.

And I'm backing out of the room, it's party culture.

And I'm so awkward around everyone except you, 'cause we're best friends,

And I'm sorry I made you say that stuff.

And I'm sorry I spazzed out.

And I'm the creep

And I'm wondering if maybe that's not what you wanted me to do.

And I've been drinking cotton candy brandy and I think coffee grounds all night long,

And if you touch me I hurt your belly" What am I?

And if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my date with Missy.

And in this corner: the "Fiddler on the Roof,"

And it still doesn't necessarily mean he's a homosexual.

And it was, like, way bigger and hairier than mine.

And it's been a real simcha, right, Jess?

And it's gone viral

And it's not that little.

And it's the Magnificent Gary.

And Jay hasn't even kissed a girl, I guarantee it.

And jerk off onto a Triscuit.

And Jessi will be wearing a tight little skirt ooh

And Jessi, just like logistically, Devin is my best friend

And just focus on the fundamentals of basketball.

And just take each boner as it comes.

And Justice Antonin Scalia.

And keep smiling through it all in our boxy ass dresses!

And let the scallops win? Ha! They'd love that.

And licks it off. Yum, yum, yum.

And listening to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

And lose "Billie Jean King."

And made sweet love to Eva Gabor.

And make sure I can see your lips because I am losing my hearing.

And me and the boy are gonna kill ourselves tonight.

And mine isn't, and I don't know if it ever will be.

And more importantly her emotions, it doesn't matter.

And my friend Don Kinney, he had this great big sausage

And my girl, my cars, my band.

And my shoes. Don't forget my shoes.

And never got to see Stallone bone

And not tell her what we saw.

And now he's out with her, and I'm on a date with my parents.

And now I got mine, in white fucking shorts!

And now I'm really excited about it.

And now it's time to watch a movie.

And now she's this big huge statue.

And now you're choking me

And now you're worried you're a homosexual?

And now, for the first aliyah,

And of course that wheelchair kid

And on a personal note, I like your fedora.

And over there Prince and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

And perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.

And realize this was almost certainly child abuse.

And save a dance for me, too.

And say, "Dinner is served."

And she said that I was really sprouting into a fine young man.

And she'll tell everyone else my secrets,

And she's surprisingly good at it.

And smash that pretty little smile off his face!

And smoke a quick Merit, get my head straight.

And stomp on the back of his head, what's that called?

And stop rubbing those damn eggs on the glasses.

And swallows every bite.

And thanks again.

And that made you soaking wet?

And that's pretty much how it happened

And that's the bus driver with the pretty, pretty ponytail.

And that's when you move away and change your name to Duke Ellington

And that's why it was so hard for me to break up with her.

And that's why it was so hard for me to break up with her.

And that's why it's so hard to not want to literally turn you into a human jumpsuit

And that's why we need equal pay.

And the only reason he lost the case was he called the judge a fat bitch.

And the sexual organs begin to change.

And their love is forbidden. [groans]

And then as soon as you're like, "I get it," it ends.

And then barf him out because they're bulimic.

And then became middle management at IBM, and you have a condo,

And then I scared the hell out of a cat.

And then I was like, "Oh, those are his balls."

And then immediately feel embarrassed

And then it kissed your mom, and then the hat was a woman.

And then marry some guy who lives in another state,

And then sometimes your daughter has to, like, Uber to school

And then the whole school will know

And then they'll get married well, not to each other, to other people.

And then we fall in love, but we stay best friends at the same time.

And then we'll meet at the top for couples pics!

And then what? Someday I get an invitation to your wedding,

And then when I pooped, it was red,

And then, after all those lies,

And then, you kinda jhoosh it down.

And there will be a day of reckoning,

And there's like, a side gym in the building.

And they say she's a blowjob machine.

And they won't like me back so I should seize this opportunity?

And this is the door we never open.

And this is where I picked my nose.

And this part here is the actual vagina. [pops]

And those sticks you could floss with.

And to our wives, our beautiful, surprising, sensual wives.

And to set the record straight, I broke up with you

And try not to think about AIDS.

And turn their pee into wine. That's what they do.

And we did 12 Angry Travoltas last year.

And we didn't want to be blamed for your suicide.

And we fought each other, brother, we fought each other!

And we have no idea how to get home.

And we know Jessi is reading the book,

And we never open it because something quite terrible is behind it...?

And we solve crimes, like Castle,

And we sucked at being boyfriend and girlfriend.

And what about the mons pushing?

And what the hell is this here now?

And when the pressure builds, it needs to release.

And why does Shannon Sharpe want to get in there?

And work your shit out.

And worst of all, bitch wore white shorts.

And worst of all, le cramp.

And you appear to have killed an old man.

And you got a little dick.

And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too.

And you ruined a whole night sleepover!

And you should know that I won't be bothering you anymore.

And you think I'm gonna turn you away? No chance.

And you two, Devin and Devin,

And you unleashed a fire hose of Monster Energy drink on her.

And you want their honey. Bzzz.

And you were off hanging with Devon, so I was trying to help Jessi.

And you're feeling left out?

And your various connections to the victims,

And, finally, the mother of all pornovations...

And, good Lord, I felt inferior.

And, hey, is that's a bad thing, right?

And, like, want to cry all the time.

And, of course... [chuckles] the old Yellowstone Caldera here.

And, you know, he's checked out, I'm trying to check in.

Andrew and I will shoot hoops, and, Missy, you can do the math.

Andrew and Missy almost kissed there, but that's not relevant.

Andrew Glouberman has a girlfriend.

Andrew hasn't been over since the night of the penis,

Andrew, as your doctor, I would advise you get your shit together

Andrew, can you please take over?

Andrew, did you know that Duke Ellington died in this house?

Andrew, isn't that your jazz hat?

Andrew, it's the door we never open. Okay.

Andrew, jazz is about taking risks. It's the only way you get better.

Andrew, let me in! I will not be ignored!

Andrew, Mint's dolphoodle's gonna sit on your lap, 'kay?

Andrew, my son, I can't believe you made a hole in my drywall.

Andrew, open up. Put down the needle.

Andrew, please, shut the fuck up

Andrew, this isn't who you are.

Andrew, we are going to New York.

Andrew, we need to break up.

Andrew, welcome to Jazz Club.

Andrew, what are you doing here?

Andrew, why didn't you wash them in the sink?

Andrew, you can't stay here with Missy.

Andrew, you gotta listen to the Duke. There's literally hundreds

Andrew, you knucklehead.

Andrew, you okay? Who are you talking to?

Andrew, you're like sugar to me.

Andrew, you're picturing it and we're talking about it.

Andrew, you're quite good at Bacterium Delirium.

Andrew, your girlfriend just asked you out on a date

Andrew. Thank God, I need to talk to you.

Andrew's got a date. I set him up with this girl Missy, and...

Andrew's was... was different,

Angry.

Anything crazy happen?

Anything to make him start frenching you again.

Anyway, as far as water coolers go, you see that new Seinfeld yesterday?

Anyway, Duke, I wanted your advice, and I guess I still do.

Anyway, he shouldn't be afraid of a vagina.

Anyway, I guess I should be in less of a hurry to figure everything out

Anyway, I think this is something

Anyway, I'll always be here for you, buddy.

Anyway, it's definitely worth a read.

Anyway, speaking of coffee, I'm a Sanka man.

Are these your sunglasses?

Are we in Tampa? 'Cause it's hot and stinky.

Are we really gonna do the Electric Slide right now?

Are you a good featured artist?

Are you bitches ready?

Are you crazy? You gotta go offsite with this biohazard.

Are you doing a report on me for school?

Are you fucking joking, Devin? You're the ringleader of all of this!

Are you gonna eat that vomit?

Are you gonna yell at me for kissing your stepdad, too?

Are you jealous?

Are you kidding? I'm just so jazzed you tongued me.

Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do with this thing?

Are you nervous to hang out with Roland?

Are you okay, Steve?

Are you saying that we can't be friends with girls?

Are you serious?

Are you talking about breast feeding?

Are you the patriarchy?

Are you the puberty fairy?

Are you there, Jessi? It's me, Andrew

Are you trying to get sponsored by Monster Energy drink?

Are you trying to make me afraid of my own sexuality?

Are you up to the part where she grooms him with sweet almond oil?

Aren't you supposed to put the peanut butter on your own dick?

As long as no one has to talk about it, I'm fine with that.

As long as you live on one of the coasts,

As much as you love the GD scallops

As soon as I kissed your big, weird catfish mouth.

As the hot lava blasts forth...

As the largest woman in the world,

As you know, the science fair next week is a chance to embrace

As you wish, my boxy Jewess.

Assistants are better seen, not heard.

At least I still have a pussy.

At the science fair? I would be honorary.

Au contraire, Nathan Fillion's a hunk!

Aw, Atlanta Claus, you gotta help me find a dying Mylar balloon that says "Wow."

Aw, don't worry about it, Nick. Opinions are like assholes

Aw, fuck Missy's parents.

Aw, Jessi bear, what's wrong?

Aw, those are just for a magic trick. I can prove it. May I?

Aww, she's giving your little hand a squeeze.

Aww, you remember our vows, Mommy.

Aww.

Aww. Don't be a stranger.

Aww. Nicky, you're my sweet little pumpkin.

Babe, I'm finished washing my dick if you're still psyched to blow me.

Babe! Babe, unlock the door!

Babe?

Babe?

Baby, uh, I'm sorry about before.

Baby, you gotta throw this boy a bone.

Barbara, I lost a sock in the pews again.

Barbara, I must go,

Barbara, what are you doing with my last good banana?

Basically everything you want in an interesting book

Beautiful music. Though, I should figure out if Nick is into it

Beautifully done, my little gyoza.

Because Andrew listens to you. He respects you.

Because being gay is as bad as having a catfish mouth.

Because his pubic hair looked like feathers.

Because I am a hundred percent on board for this.

Because I really like being friends with you.

Because I spent time in Latin America and understand other cultures.

Because I would never want to come between you and Devin.

Because it prepares you for what real life is, um, is like

Because it's about everything around sex.

Because it's all so overwhelming

Because it's cheaper for you to fly back on a Tuesday, or like what?

Because my parents have a no touch policy with me.

Because of an eye disease that they didn't even know they had.

Because of the relentless fecal explosion.

Because on NPR, Meghna Chakrabarti

Because she rocks. Not that you care.

Because the Church of Scientology paid for our auditorium

Because the football program has taken part of our budget for legal fees,

Because then it might work out fine.

Because they are out there swingin' dicks and bonin' chicks.

Because they ditched me and I need something to teleport.

Because this is Terry Gross.

Because we have to go home, Jay.

Because you smell like an Israeli disco.

Because... I don't like him.

Before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.

Being a woman is misery.

Being gay can be bloody brilliant.

Being the prettiest and the most popular girl at school.

Besides, you can't be grounded.

Best day of your life? Hah!

Between Fatima and... Gustavo.

Big dick flying through the sky.

Big Mouth , that's the show, that's the show.

Bingo bango! "Furry triangle," if you know what I'm saying.

Blessing, 'cause, you know, "Let's go, Mets."

Blood

Blood for sex? That's some old school shit. I'm into it.

BLOOD! BLOOD! WE REQUIRE BLOOD!

Blood? Blood.

Both our houses suck.

Boy, these straight to camera testimonials are great for narrative structure.

Boys, feeding time.

Boys, take the boat and go on without me. I'll hold off the Stallion.

Boys! We've got runners!

Bridgeton Middle, first clarinet.

Bring them to me.

Brings out the monster in you ! Yeah, nailed it.

Brings out the monster... Uh... Let me just try this one more time here.

Bruh, I can't believe the dance is the same night as the Knicks game.

Burn the house to the ground!

But am I free to stay, my friend?

But can we please focus on our science project?

But do you wanna, like, go to the dance with me?

But don't tell her that. Who else?

But enough about me. Why the long face?

But even more disappointed in myself, and there's gonna be consequences.

But first, let's dance the merengue.

But fun? No. I think you should go by yourself

But he wants it over the desk because he's a bad little bitch.

But I I just can't do that thing that you want to do.

But I also know I can't ask you to lie.

But I also want to stay best friends with you at the same time

But I can't marry you.

But I deleted the photo.

But I do know how to read a room... Greg.

But I do think this is good for you, Andrew.

But I like the journey you're on.

But I make time for my family, sports, my friends.

But I really shouldn't leave Missy alone at this party.

But I should've wet the toilet paper and just really gotten in there.

But I think we're basically on the same page.

But I wanna jizz all the time,

But I want to go with my best friend.

But I want you to know me as your first line of defense

But I was thinking about the Caldera and how we need to savor every moment

But I will happily abandon my family

But I will say this I need some fresh air

But I'm a part of this group now and I'd like to try a Coke.

But I'm not dead

But I'm not here to judge. I'm just here to watch.

But I'm not letting my scallops get ice cold.

But I'm scared he'll hit me in the head with that big pillowcase of watermelons.

But I'm sure things will go much more smoothly for Andrew.

But if he's not, that's a hard morning light

But if he's right it changes everything.

But if I'm probably gay, maybe I should

But if we don't have an actual project, we're gonna get an F.

But if you know nothing else, Fatima, know this:

But if you understand a woman's body,

But it looks like my super hot eighth grade date has arrived.

But it was less of a period and more of an exclamation point.

But it was the right thing to do. Does that make sense?

But it's about so much more than just sex

But it's not gonna be "science fair."

But it's simple and it's timeless.

But it's worth it.

But Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance.

But let's move on to something actually care about

But let's say it's in Australia so it's upside down

But maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly.

But most of all I'll miss your great dick,

But Ms. Razz said that it had to be on a work of historical fiction.

But now that I'm saying it out loud I don't know

But on the fourth hand that fucker punched you in the face,

But on the other we might have to eat cum.

But on the third hand, I'm looking at prepubescent Nick

But other times we imagine a faceless dude

But remember when y'all did your Frenched kiss?

But she makes me go by "Devin" so we match.

But she's six months older than me.

But sweet as berry pie

But ta da oww!

But technically champagne is from one specific region in France.

But thank you for kissing me...?

But that's not gonna happen

But the crimes are in space, like Firefly,

But the transformation, it will be painful, yes?

But then Gustavo needs to see her because he loves her so much.

But then it will come again, and again, and again,

But then Jessi had this idea that we would just be friends again

But they'll find their way back.

But things are so different now.

But this isn't real.

But was it her fault that she craved a ride?

But we can't go back in there just for a pillow.

But we have a big problem.

But we only do it because you're honestly, like, a goddess

But we read the most amazing book this month.

But we've all discussed it, and the parents agree

But weren't you famously anti gay?

But what about jazz?

But what about Mr. Lizer and Jay and... Lola

But what about you and Daddy?

But what about your brothers?

But with you, it's magic

But you haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours.

But you just put on sunscreen and the sand might stick to you.

But you know what hurt even more than my swollen, bruised testicles?

But you must go to my Amazon wish list first

But you yelled at me and you called me weird.

But you'll have to make some changes, dumpling.

But your boy here is a perverted killer, ma'am.

But, also, Steve, I think of you more as a friend.

But, and here's why we're men of our word,

But, Nick, I've got a real problem with the pornography.

But, well, there is one woman in my life.

But, well, what do we tell your parents?

But, you know, it's a bummer we went through all of that

By a pushy Israeli and forced to buy a camera you don't want

By day's end, I will replicate my fifth favorite magician

By day's end, I will replicate my fifth favorite magician

By following the stars, so she creates a rudimentary astronomy lab.

By their children talking about what's sexy

By touching your boob [grunts]

Bye ee!

Bye, head pusher.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Mrs. Birch.

Call me today, because marriage is a sham and love dies.

Called Seven Minutes In Heaven?

Can everyone please stop saying my name like that,

Can I drink out of the goldfish bowl? I won't eat the fish, maybe I will!

Can I get some privacy?

Can I have a volunteer?

Can I just get a hint for the Wi Fi password?

Can I just say it one time and you cover your ears?

Can I sleep over at your place?

Can I use your bathroom? Does your bathroom have a lock?

Can make you feel a thousand feet tall.

Can you give us an example of a molecule with a covalent bond?

Can't wait to see which one of these dopes forgot their permission slip.

Can't you let me do nice things? [groans] God!

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Change, it comes whether you want it or not,

Check it out, I brought booze. [laughs]

Check this out.

Check your back pocket

Choo choo! Get on the train, ****, it's time to dance!

Chosen! Hey, Nick, Andrew, I'm joining Matthew's team.

Christ, where did this come from?

Clients only.

Cold scallops is how I got food poisoning in West Palm, remember?

Come and get me, you freaks.

Come here and feel it.

Come near. The closer you look, the less you see, ha ha!

Come on, Andrew. I got so close with Roland just now. I need this.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, do a little work, kissy kissy, ride her aboard, humpy humpy.

Come on, don't be naive, Jay. I told you to use protection

Come on, it's too dangerous out here. Come with me.

Come on, let's swim to that giant brown rock.

Come on, Missy. Let's go.

Come on, she has no idea what happened.

Come on, that's not happening. Am I right? Party Wolf?

Come on!

Coming through your window, brother.

Congratulations.

Cool, Andrew, that's funny

Cotton candy brandy?

Could you please just tell me how to use a tampon?

Cowabunga, dude

Cowabunga!

Cut that little pipsqueak down to size.

Cyrus, you let her have dried papaya, and now she's bouncing off the walls.

Dad will be the designated adult.

Dad, I'm not worried I'm gay.

Damn it, it's not here.

Damn it! There comes a time in every man's life

Damn, Paul, your sticky chest gave me blue balls.

Dance? Cute. Yeah.

Dandruff, and the worst hat in America.

Daniel, you've been a busy little asshole, huh?

Darling, it's not even real.

David Copperfield's famous illusion

Definitely watch gay porn.

Describes exactly what it is, you know what I mean?

Devin and Lola?

Devin is mine!

Devin, can I talk to you, like, in private?

Devin! Devin!

Diane, I got you a glass of Pinot gris with two ice cubes,

Did Diane tell you we read it together?

Did she say just be friends or "just be friends"?

Did someone mention necrophil Oh, hey, Duke.

Did someone order a pizza? 'Cause I already ate it.

Did that little bastard just ditch you?

Did you cum?

Did you feel anything?

Did you guys see Jessi choking me out over there?

Did you know any gay people when you were alive?

Did you know I've been inside 11 different people today?

Did you know that if you raise the roof, when they do that,

Did you know that tampons are taxed as a luxury item?

Did you make it to the bathroom in time, Steve?

Did you make the arrangements for the bat mitzvah band

Did you see Firefly ?

Did you shave? Is that ornamental?

Did your heroin balloon burst inside your body?

Dirty things, and you liked it

DJ Pendejo coming at you!

Do either of you have a car?

Do it now! Do the speech now!

Do not write them down.

Do that curbing thing where you stick his teeth on the edge of a curb

Do they have sex? No, Nicky, they can't. That's the point.

Do you boys need a yarmulke?

Do you boys need a yarmulke?

Do you boys need a yarmulke?

Do you even... [sighs] do you even love him anymore?

Do you ever have anything positive to say?

Do you guys maybe want to come to a sleepover at my house tonight?

Do you need to be punished, Andrew?

Do you take Coach Steve to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Do you think it was an earthquake?

Do you think it's too small for Tallulah Levine?

Do you think it's too small for Tallulah Levine?

Do you think she's not, like, good old Jessi anymore?

Do you want some of my homemade fruit leather?

Does he? He kinda looks like my brother.

Does she have a gap between her two front teeth? [laughs]

Does this mean I'm going through puberty?

Dolphoodle. It's a cross between a dolphin and a poodle

Don't be afraid to lead with your groin, the world's slowest hula hoop.

Don't care for men, either. I don't like people in general.

Don't eat that.

Don't just type in "gay porn." Switch over to private browsing first.

Don't think, react! Tear his fucking head off!

Don't touch him, please.

Don't worry about the baby. The baby's fine. I want you inside me

Don't worry, we'll get you out of here. You're innocent.

Don't you remember last week when we made fun of people

Don't you remember the Jacuzzi jets?

Don't you say a fucking word.

Don't you think you should marry someone a little more like you?

Don't you worry. It was just a tremor, sweetie

Done. They're deleted

Down the stairs, he dies.

Dr. Oz says they need to learn.

Dude, I'm allowed to go to the dance with whoever I want.

Dude, she loves giving blowjobs.

Dude, she'll say yes.

Duke who? Fuck you. Gimme that

Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay?

Duke, I guess I was wondering, have you ever stayed friends with an ex?

Duke? Duke Ellington?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is one hot Paul Bunyan.

E is for everyone, the people who love Jessi.

Eat dumpster scallops?

Eat my seed, gaylords! [grunting]

Eat shit.

Eats little pieces of shit?

Eh, don't be. Love dies.

Eh, Nicky, in the back, man. We're back here. Couples in the back.

Eh, what's up, Caleb?

Eh... I don't know about that.

Either that or you have grossly misquoted him.

Either way they gotta start playing defense.

Either way, it's sweet release.

Ejecta? Oh, she wants it.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote,

Elliot could do what he wants

Empty your pockets, Aladdin Bin Laden.

Enough to keep eight packs of Rolaids in. You know me so well.

Enough with the astrology.

Enough! Women are dying!

Ergo Jessi is horny and she's wearing a red bra,

Eric L., Kevin B., Sasha S.

Even if I spent a lifetime trying.

Even though he's not actually a baby.

Even when I was a horse I did not make noises or smells of this nature.

Every orgy needs a witness and baby wipes.

Every party needs entertainment.

Everybody, what are you, out of your minds?

Everyone keeps saying how much we look alike.

Everyone wants to know who broke up with who,

Everything he watched, you know, come to life.

Everything in the gay community is a thing.

Everything is so embarrassing.

Everything okay in here, sweetie?

Everything you could ever want, whenever you want it.

Everything's embarrassing.

Everything's fine, kids. It's just a small tremor.

Eww! You're jealous of a girl I want to make out with?

Eww. People are sick. I'm glad I didn't go with you.

Except for the bitch who has to eat the cum soaked cracker.

Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent.

Excuse me, has anyone thought about our parents?

Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen a lame jazz hat

Excuse me, Mr. Glouberman?

Ezekiel bread. It's an ancient grain bread.

Fatima, come to me.

Fatima, I need you.

Fight, fight! Worldstar!

Fight!

Finally. Now we can watch our first porn.

Finally. Someone who gets it. Preach, big man.

Find the first seat that doesn't have a swastika carved in the back?

Fine, I confess. I assaulted Andrew in the closet.

Fine, okay, we will find your jazz hat and then we will go to Montauk.

First I must shield the eyes of the innocent.

First off, confusing science and magic..

First, I make a slit