Ash vs Evil Dead - Season 2 Edit

A friend made it for me.

A single Roman lacks courage enough to face me!

After I save all your sorry asses,

Agreed. Something's funky.

Ah, except those two.

Ah, of course. There you are.

Ah, well, he's not going to stop me from trying.

Ah, yeah, the jury's out on her.

Ah, yeah, you already used that one.

Ah!

Ah.

Akrem.

All of you, help me retrieve the Book

All of you!

All okay here?

All right, here's the deal.

All right, smart ass.

All right?

All roads to destroying this evil

Alright, put down the guns!

Alright, you naked assholes,

Alright, you two go that way.

Alright.

Alright. Get the gum out of your ears and listen up,

Alright. We need a sketch of her to show the people in town.

Always somebody else's fault.

And all your many mistakes, and bad decisions.

And do something...

And doesn't have a boat load of cold sores,

And don't you worry,

And Genghis Khan,

And give old Brock some splenda, huh?

And he won't be around forever.

And help you scrub it clean.

And I couldn't be prouder.

And I know that Elk Grove would rather have a hero

And I'm all grown up.

And I'm going to bury that Kandarian Dagger

And I'm the only hero Elk Grove has.

And kill her where she stands.

And left Ruby in charge.

And look at this, Kenward County.

And now you want me to put the old rubber gloves on

And now, Ashy Slashy is back in town

And send them back to Hell.

And slide on over here,

And that asshole is me.

And there.

And this dipshit is my only hope?

And when your business is done

And you need to wait until

And you ran away with your tail between your legs.

And your friend, Ash,

Another LSD moment?

Anybody?

Are after the Necronomicon, now.

Are you having a stroke?

Are you having nightmares?

Are you kidding me? That old buzzard?

Are you saying Pablo is a vagina?

Artica abomino!

As far as I can throw her.

As unappetizing as that sounds,

As you wish.

Ash did what he had to do.

Ash Williams doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.

Ash Williams will figure in his explanation, somehow.

Ash Williams, is that you?

Ash, I need you.

Ash, look first, cut later.

Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Ash!?

Ash?

Ash?

Ash?

Ash.

Ash.

Ash.

Ash...

Ashley, is that you dear?

Ashley, it's taken me a long time

Ashley?

Ashley. Your son.

Ashrica.

Ashy Slashy, hatchet and saw

Ashy Slashy, heaven and hell

Ashy Slashy!

Ashy Slashy!

Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy!

Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy!

Ashy Slashy's coming to get you!

Asshole.

At least you still have all your appendages!

Atar. Artha.

Baal.

Back in school when we used to beat him up,

Badass.

Balls to the wall!

Beat it!

Because he pissed himself.

Because he went crazy and chopped up his friends.

Because if she's some kind of half demon,

Because you should have.

Because you were leaning on the door.

Been a long time.

Before they get their hands on it.

Before you can say Fort Ticonderoga.

Believe me, time to put on our dancing shoes.

Bigfoot has a name.

Bingo.

Brock Williams.

Bullshit. Looks like some piece of crap made in China.

But dollars to donuts,

But he never told the teachers, why?

But he's family.

But how, Ruby could be anywhere?

But I really don't know the meaning of fail.

But I'll get there though.

But I'm very impressed.

But remember, these weapons are only gonna stun Ruby.

But they happen while I'm awake.

But too bad!

But you can call me Cock.

But you know the deal.

But you nimrods got me all wrong..

Can I, um, touch it?

Can you give us a second?

Can't a guy come and see his own father?

Check it out.

Check it out. I'm better, stronger...

Chooses to schtup me in the pooper.

Come on now.

Come on, Dad, you know exactly what happened.

Come on, guys. We don't have much time.

Come on, motherfucker!

Come on, Tyler.

Come on, you piece of crap.

Come on, you're the one who was crying for answers.

Come on.

Confronting your past,

Could be 10 minutes, could be 30 years.

Creepy kid?

Cut you?

Cuts out your tongue so you can't yell...

Damn, Pablo.

Dead flesh masks the scent of the book from the spawn.

Dead? He's the one that died. Not me.

Deep into her strangely beautiful neck

Definitely getting locked up.

Did you hear that?

Didn't you get the memo?

Do I save her 'cause I should?

Do it! I dare you.

Do you understand? You're having a premonition.

Do you?

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Don't be so surprised you know.

Don't you suck my Johnson!

Don't you want to fuck me now?!

Down here.

Dude, he was right there.

Dude, he's like the father of weird shit.

Elk Grove.

Enjoy puberty!

Especially non tippers like you, buddy.

Ever since Ruby put that book on my face

Ever since Ruby put that book on my face,

Everyone, this is Ash.

Evil has found me.

Except to tidy up?

Except to tidy up.

Except to tidy up.

Except you Linda.

Family meeting.

Faygo.

Fine.

Florida LSD, not to be fucked with.

Focus up, we got work to do!

Former gymnast turned Phys Ed teacher.

From this time last year.

From upstairs.

Fu..

Fuck this sicko! He's got to go!

Fuck you, Ashy Slashy!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucking skank!

Gah!

Get her off me!

Get it off me!

Get off me!

Get out.

Get this!

Get used to that feeling.

Get your dick off my face!

Give me a second.

Give me my fucking pop!

Give me your eyes!

Give... it... back!

Go away!

Go get it.

Going to jail. Give it to me!

Good for you.

Good.

Got to trust me on this shit.

Great Dad, thanks.

Great timing, because your pop machine is on the fritz

Guess he didn't have the heart to carry on without me.

Hah!

Hasn't changed a bit.

He ain't a stranger to weird shit, is he?

He saved us.

He was abusing his power.

He was right...

He would whiz himself,

He's a tough one to forget.

He's your father alright.

He's your father.

Hello Dad.

Help me retrieve the book, and send them back to hell.

Help me stop my childre...

Help me, Ash!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Here, man. I've got some change.

Here's the plan.

Here's what, I need.

Hey, come on, Kell,

Hey, don't give me that look, punk.

Hey, hey! Time out!

Hey, I love me too!

Hey, Sailor.

Hey, you know what?

Hey, you say that now, back in the day,

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hm?

Hm.

Hold up.

Holy hell... Wow

Holy pickle dicks,

How can you say that, Ash?

How come you never said something?

How did...

How does it work?

How you been, pop?

How... what the...

Huh!

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh.

I I wasn't crying.

I ain't telling you shit, lady.

I am offering you the undo button you wanted.

I am your son,

I boned her in the back.

I could ask you the same thing.

I did not go crazy.

I did what I had to do.

I didn't give you enough hugs?

I do have my moments like this one.

I don't know what's happening to me, Jefe

I don't see the book. Where is it?

I don't trust her, Jefe.

I drew most of it while the car was moving, but...

I got it.

I got this.

I got this.

I had fun last night.

I had no option.

I had to summon you...

I have been waiting to kick her ass.

I have fought with Atilla the Hun

I just had a weird vision of her

I just saw Ruby.

I knew exactly what I was doing

I know where she is...

I know you do!

I know you're out there!

I left behind everyone, and everything I ever knew.

I left the windows down in the Delta.

I mean I know you two don't get along,

I need to be back in Jacksonville

I need to know what's happening to me.

I need your help...

I said, excuse me.

I saw it so clearly.

I think I remember that

I think it's best that you and the illegal here just leave.

I think we're good, Kell!

I told you you could trust me.

I want to get out of here!

I want to talk about the book.

I was afraid.

I was born ready, turtle dove.

I wasn't done with her!

I wasn't going to bring it in here with some deadite.

I would like to, but I honestly have no idea

I wouldn't have, if you stood by me.

I wrote this book.

I'd know that caboose anywhere.

I'll figure out what she's not telling us.

I'll never tell you.

I'll never tell you.

I'm done conversating, time for some fornicating.

I'm going to be like a ninja losing his virginity,

I'm going to be up to my elbows in cheesecake real soon.

I'm gonna put an end to this horse pucky once and for all.

I'm here on business, looking for a woman.

I'm here to save this town, to save my town,

I'm in the butt. I'm in the butt!

I'm not drunk enough to know if this is good weird or bad weird.

I'm not robbing you.

I'm sorry, I don't know!

I'm sorry.

I'm sure she can handle herself.

I've been having nightmares, but they happen while I'm awake.

I've been having... nightmares.

I've been whizzing the whole time.

I've made a huge mess.

I've never seen the Jefe like this before.

I've ruined a lot of people's lives.

If I don't find her,

Immortal badass, why does she need us?

In a crack house?

In front of a big brick building.

In my presence ever again.

Instead you let 'em beat you down

Is it possible that it left some kind of an imprint?

Is looking for her.

It changed me, and...

It did something to me.

It happened again, didn't it?

It looks like it hasn't changed in...

It looks like you found bigfoot.

It was a bumpy ride!

It wasn't a question.

It's all me, baby!

It's been so long.

It's Lillian Pendergrass!

It's locked up in the Delta, safe and sound.

It's Sheriff Emery now.

Jacksonville here we come.

Jacksonville, I love you!

Jacksonville's waiting

Jefe!

Jefe! It's the Delta!

Jesus!

Join us.

Just a couple of days, then I'm gone.

Just going up to my room.

Just please cut me down!

Just tell us where they are, we'll go spank their naked butts.

Just the portal for their rebirth.

Just trust me.

Just um, give me a sec.

Just, uh, don't touch any of my stuff.

Kell!

Kelly, in war,

Kelly, Pablo, meet my father.

Kelly, there's someone wanting to pay.

Kelly, would you like to have dinner with me?

Kelly, you're stronger than Ash.

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly.

Ladies first.

Ladies, I'm gonna be honest with ya,

Lead to wear it all began

Leave her here with me while you guys go get the book.

Let me tell you something,

Let's go save the world.

Let's go save the world.

Let's go.

Lets go get some answers.

Like a Halloween pumpkin if she even looks at me funny.

Like everyone else in this town.

Lillian is a deadite.

Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot

Lillian Pendergrass.

Lillian?

Linda Bates!

Little Tommy Emery?!

Look at me!

Look at this creepy fucker.

Look who it is!

Look, I would trust a blind proctologist more than her,

Look, Pop, I know you don't want me here...

Looking for a new woman.

Looking good, Eli.

Looking good. Oh, oh, hey.

Looking sweet.

Lot of unexplained deaths lately.

Makes sense you'd be with Ash, now.

Mamma!

Mamma.

Mamma.

Maybe I'm getting that bad memory disease.

Misartar

Mm, man, looking good.

Mm, mm, mm...

Mm, must be hard coming back.

Mmm, you smell like Lysol Wipes.

Mom.

Morgue. A hospital morgue.

Must've snuck in the back door like some cowardly dog.

My children are too powerful for me alone.

My children have turned on me.

My children have turned on me. I have lost control of them.

My God.

My God...

My goodness.

My hometown.

My lady's on her way over here.

My parents died a long time ago.

My spawn pose an existential threat,

Nice.

Night night.

Night night.

No more running away.

No, I did that too.

No, this is my house.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No.

No.

Nobody hides from Ashley J. Williams.

Nobody strolls through a morgue.

Nobody's going to be locked up, okay?

Nooo!

Nooooo!

Nope, we got to retrieve that Necronomicon

Normal life in Jacksonville, the three of us.

Not my fault he got a glass jaw.

Not so much of a vagina now, am I?

Not up the butt!

Not up the...

Not you.

Nothing. We're just looking for someone.

Notice I never wear gym shorts.

Now Ash...

Now because I read from the book...

Now I'm here looking for somebody.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Now it's time for war.

Now look, I know that I'm not the son you wanted,

Number one, never say ass or hole

Number two, no one's going to jail.

Of course I know what I'm doing.

Oh God, I'm in the butt!

Oh God!

Oh no, no, no.

Oh no, you don't.

Oh, and by the way,

Oh, because it's the drink of my people.

Oh, for Christ's... No more horseshit about demons.

Oh, fuck. What a mess.

Oh, god!

Oh, hey.

Oh, how nice for you to meet me.

Oh, I like the sound of that, Daddy.

Oh, I'm gonna leave alright.

Oh, it's probably Ashley.

Oh, it's um, a utility hand.

Oh, it's, it's...

Oh, Jefe.

Oh, man. I told you, dude.

Oh, newsflash, we got to get home and save Pablo.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, okay.

Oh, please,

Oh, premonitions.

Oh, relax, you're not the father,

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit...

Oh, so it's my fault because, what?

Oh, so this isn't about me at all.

Oh, still the victim with you, huh.

Oh, sweet room, Jefe.

Oh, those damn radar eyes.

Oh, uh, let's go with colonoscopy?

Oh, uh, who cares?

Oh, who drank all the beer?

Oh, you need my help?

Oh, you...

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Okay bodies,

Okay, first of all,

Okay, let's go

Okay, that's a very specific guess.

Okay, that's not true

Okay, what did I tell you about not touching any of my stuff?

Okay, yeah, got it. They're big, mean, smart.

Okay, you know what? Forget it.

Okay! Get off me!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Old.

On my second keg of beer,

One by one, we will take you!

Ooh, Pablo!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh.

Or at least it used to be.

Or cause she's hot?

Or fall, where you stand.

Or I will shoot us both.

Or should we kick him back

Or the food.

Ow, ow!

Pablo help!

Pablo, and his friend Mr. Kandarian dagger,

Pablo, first round of 'Ritas is on you, because...

Pablo, first round of 'Ritas is on you, because...

Pablo, how long you been having these visions?

Pablo!

Pablo?

Pablo.

Pablo...

Pablo's visions, I know why my children

Part of me is already regretting calling you here.

Playtime's over.

Please!

Please! Please!

Pneumonia?

Poor fella.

Poor Ruby.

Precognition, Pablo.

Premonitions, or?

Present the book to me and we'll finally end this.

Probably even better out of it.

Probably should've asked which one.

Psychic ability to see events in the future.

Pull!

Putting my spicy man meat into a mother daughter sandwich,

Quick and discreet.

Relax, just a couple of regular people,

Remember the time you peed your pants outside the locker room?

Right now.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

Ruby!

Run home and cry to Mamma!

Sack up, sunshine.

Same Ash.

Screw you and your ugly ass kids

See that?

Seems to really haunt him.

Send your loser kids back to Hell...

Seriously, don't let her touch any of my stuff.

She goes by the name of Ruby.

She must've heard that I'm back in town.

She sent us!

She wore these tiny, little polyester shorts.

She's bad news.

She's going to the house.

She's hiding something.

Shoot it in the head!

Should we help Ash find another victim?

Showing your face in this town.

Shut it off.

Sinkholes are still being reported.

So come on, sit down, and tell me about it.

So in terms of quick thinking, not the worst idea.

So technically, you're more of a vagina now

So use them to knock her down or whatever

So we could just keep doing it.

So where is it?

So you're going to answer my questions,

So, uh, why so long since you've been home?

So, um, you give any thought

So, what do people think?

So, you're going to have to be much more specific.

Some of you may know him as Ashy Slashy,

Some terrible knowledge?

Some things never change.

Somebody else chopped your hand off...

Somebody else made you go to that cabin.

Someone's on the fast track to detective.

Son of a bitch.

Soon as this asshole wakes up, this asshole's going to jail.

Sorry, creepy kid

Sorry, lady. You're riding the pine today.

Such as the world has never seen before.

Summu Nura.

Sure.

Surprised you even remember him.

Ta demuche.

Take it easy.

Take the deal then go back to Jacksonville.

Takes your head and skins you raw

Taking a stroll in a hospital.

Tell me what you saw!

Tell me what's been happening to you.

Thank God your mother wasn't here to see that.

Thanks.

That beautiful creature right there.

That cyborg hand of yours got something against

That damn song...

That didn't work.

That guy's going to outlive us all.

That is horrible, and also awesome.

That son of a bitch. Not again.

That sounds like the crematorium...

That's a bad memory disease.

That's a hard pass.

That's a little racist, don't you think?

That's all we have to be concerned about right now.

That's just another way the man upstairs

That's my hometown.

That's not Lillian Pendergrass.

That's what I need

That's what we called him back when he was a Hall Monitor.

That's what we need to know.

The best hiding place you could think of,

The Boomstick Butcher with the Chainsaw Hand.

The cabin.

The Deadite gave it away with that song.

The Necronomicon says you are humanity's true savior.

The sooner this book is six feet under, the better.

The traitor!

Then all of a sudden,

Then before she heals...

There were uh, these smoke stacks there...

There's always gonna to be collateral damage.

There's been a lot of weird shit happening around town lately.

They aim to raise up their father.

They want the Necronomicon. They're trying to destroy me.

They're not only more powerful, and more intelligent, and dangerous.

Think I won't fight back?

This is easy!

This is it.

This is my daughter, Hannah.

This is where your story ends, Jefe!

This part of the hospital is off limits.

This town is only big enough for one asshole,

Those things came out of me.

Thought I told you to stay upstairs.

Three creepy kids.

Time to leave, Ash.

Time to pick on someone your own size.

To a human before.

To get my life back together.

To how we explain what we're doing here?

To whatever rock he was hiding under?

Told you Ruby couldn't be trusted.

Took so long, I had to start without you.

Tool time's going to have to wait,

Trust and believe I'll carve her up

Two big smoke stacks?

Ugh

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh.

Uh, we just, uh, got to take care of some business.

Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.

Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.

Uh, well, I think it's pretty obvious.

Um, I thought you said your Dad was dead.

Um, you.

Unless you have a better plan?

Violent crime and murder up 200%

Wait a minute.

Wait.

Wait. Again?

Was a fucking corpse?!

We could argue worse ideas all day long,

We do not have time for this.

We gave peace a chance.

We get busted, we're getting locked up.

We get the Book.

We got to get out of here, right now!

We look shady as fuck.

We love you, Ash!

We split up. Ask around.

We'll be back in Jacksonville by Friday.

We'll be back in the sunshine state

We'll just see what the coroner has to say.

We're back in Jacksonville by Friday.

We're gonna find Ruby

We're gonna go to Elk Grove.

We've got to put our little thinking caps on

Well then, let's find her for you.

Well your piece of shit car...

Well, actually, vaginas are powerful and life affirming.

Well, fuck you!

Well, I guess it's safe to say, the truce is over.

Well, it looks like big daddy's working from home today.

Well, it was very naughty of you to deceive Ash like that.

Well, my piece of shit car isn't the cause of this shit.

Well, Ruby's a big girl.

Well, sorry Lillian.

Well, tell your story walking.

Well, yeah.

Well, you know where the door is.

Well!

What a disappointment you've turned out to be.

What a waste.

What a waste...!

What about your dad?

What about your dad?

What are you doing to me?! Please stop!

What are you doing?

What did you do?

What difference does it make? You wouldn't believe me anyway.

What happened in there?

What have you done now?

What have you done with it?

What the f...? Hey.

What the fuck is that?!

What the Harryhausen?

What the hell happened here?

What the hell is that?

What was that gun shot?!

What you're talking about.

What? No!

What? Oh, shit!

What? So you can sic your creepy ass kids on me?

What? You're looking for Bigfoot?

What'd you call me?

What's a Lillian Pendergrass?