Broad City (2014) - Season 4 Edit

A big one.

A bottle of cough syrup last week.

A janitor at the gym.

A little bit, ahem, safer.

Abbi Abrams, Anthro gal.

Abbi, we need to be honest with each other.

Abbi, you know what?

Abbi, you look great.

Abbi, you're a fucking liar.

Abbi!

Abbi!

Abbi...

Abbi's mom, I'd like to...

Abbi's mom, who is played by Perry Gilpin,

Abs?

Absolutely. Follow me.

Absolutely. Follow me.

Ah, bon soir.

All about fun and games and treats and toys.

All Dunkaroos are expired.

All right, all right.

All right, I smoke... I smoke a lot.

All right, strong core, nice.

All right, we're gonna finish up with some bungee flies

All right! Rock star.

All right. Thanks, Ilana.

All the things I still wanna do.

Also, okay, so I had a couple free hours last night,

Always celebrating cultural, fluid exchanges.

And also containing him into like the manager

And fall.

And fall. The end of summer too.

And finding out just that he like knows the show

And for the blonde pixie spirit, a pork belly hand roll to start.

And having so much fun spending it on myself.

And help you fill out all your paperwork.

And I can already tell, you don't have it.

And I could've just learned to use concealer.

And I just did little designs 'cause I wanted you to see

And I want her to think she's the only person getting a gift today.

And I was just trying to prove that she was here

And I would really love to have one, like,

And I'll be right back, okay? BRB.

And I'm getting really good at it.

And I'm just... numb.

And I'm supplementing anyway with my SAD lamp, happy lamp!

And if we ever have any other female friends...

And if we're being honest, it's more like making like.

And Ilana's heightening of the sad lamp.

And it is working like a charm.

And just because Sex & the City filmed here 25 years ago one time,

And liked it.

And machismo to measure.

And made yourself a little breast egg 'cause who knows if we'll bounce back.

And make it funny and make it active.

And one last thing.

And really, really, I'm not a bitch.

And rehab.

And remember, you are a strong queen.

And so tonight she wants to have, like, a fun night, like, a really fun night.

And that, my friend, is how you 'belt it.

And that's what was gonna happen to her today.

And that's why, actually, I was taking the secret pics of Shania.

And then I realized that they were expired.

And then it would be true or something, I don't know.

And then we're gonna do frozen hot chocolate.

And then, he's ragging on me about my balance?

And what about the cat food?

And what if we promised to learn how to pray?

And when you turn into a Conneti cunt muffin,

And whoever makes the least amount of tips,

And you wanna bring 'em here? No, no, no. Fuck you.

And you will never guess what it is...

And you will never guess who is training here today.

And your glutes, so just...

And your most egregious lie was Shania, 'cause that was to me.

And, like, uh...

And?

And...

Announcer: Stay tuned after the episode for a behind the scenes

Anthro.

Any Dunkaroos you see are literally from the '90s.

Any questions?

Anything other than my hand?

Anyway, I would go to Soulstice, but I can't.

Anyway... who's this lovely creature?

Are you eating a baked potato?

Are you for real?

Are you guys high on weed?

Are you kidding me right now! Stop it!

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

As her own personal hussy hut.

As in she who makes the most tips

As is my general karma.

Ass of an angel.

At a country fair.

At ease, Maria.

At least I'm proactive about my finances.

At this restaurant she's working at.

Aw! (LAUGHING)

Aww... Well, then, cool...dude.

Baby's got a brand new bag.

Back, baby, I'm back!

Bada boom, Marcel.

Bangs growing out are witchy?

Basically, Sunil is your go to guy for any security questions you have.

Bazinga.

Be gone. Get your shit.

Because Brenda was using Sushi Mambeaux

Because he wants to be me so bad.

Because, Lisa, I had a plan of attack, and I climbed that corporate ladder.

Bed bugs don't discriminate.

Being a dog dad is different. It's a lot of responsibility.

Being measured for our weight in bacon

Bevers, Jesus!

Bevers! No! What?

Billy Joel's go to Dave and Busters okay?

Bonjour, listen up, hunties.

Both sets should be finished by the time Amanda's out of the spa weekend.

BOTH: Okay.

Breathe in deep.

Brenda was running a prostitution ring out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours.

Brenda, I'm so sorry!

Brenda, oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

But before I knew it, you quit 'cause you "won Powerball."

But I didn't wanna worry you.

But I don't think we need to do anything too... crazy.

But I gotta warn you, she has a naturally gorgeous body,

But I helped my parents study for their citizenship.

But I started at the company as a cleaner.

But I took the liberty of doing some sketches

But I was talking about Mike and I.

But it also is so him.

But listen, you lied to quit Soulstice, you lied to get out of work today,

But now that I am old money, I gotta start giving it away.

But please pick up some tomorrow.

But thank you.

But the purpose it served, you know,

But they're telling me you don't work here anymore, yo.

But this depression shit, that's next level bitchy,

But this depression shit.

But this is not Billy Joel's go to Dave and Buster's, okay?

But this time...

But to put Ru in the Broad City world,

But tonight, it's winner takes all

But, like, it really scared the shit out of me.

But, like, it's, like, 40 minutes tops to the Founding Fathers.

But, Trey, I texted you a bunch of times and you didn't respond,

But, um, hand wash it only.

But, you know, I get it.

Bye, Abbi.

Bye, guys. Taxi!

Bye, Marcel.

Bye, Trey

Can I interest anybody in a cognake?

Can I please speak to the manager?

Can we stop?

Can you afford that bag?

Can you do me a huge, huge favor and go pick it up for me?

Can you just look for a package for Abbi?

Can you show me the dimensions of your armoire?

Canadian queen of country pop, Shania Twain, dude!

Charlie Rose.

Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank

Clogs, long nails.

Closure.

Collated the logos for your 3:00 p.m.

Come on, Lincoln, my family's turned me away.

Come on, Marcel, please!

Come on, uh!

Coming in and out of the dog's life,

Con drag ulations.

Congratulations. You trained Shania.

Cool.

Cool.

Could we do that?

Crackin' that bell, right?

Cut the cheese, shit!

Dara, hey. (CLEARS THROAT)

Dat.

Dega?

Did we get it?

Did you finish it?

Did you get her moccasins back from the cobbler?

Did you two take the bridge or the tunnel to get here today?

Do not bring up Top Gun right now.

Do something really weird.

Do we have the best luck or what?

Do what you gotta do.

Do whatever you gotta do.

Do you think that I should keep my bangs growing out long

Does everybody know?

Doesn't mean that I need this,

Doing bodily harm...

Don't fuck it up.

Don't go in there! Don't!

Don't touch me!

Dopamine flowing! Yes!

Drake texts her.

Drama in the alley.

Dude, I don't think I've ever heard

Dude, is this as bright as it was before?

Dude, we are like Jerry Seinfeld right now.

Dude, you cannot keep lying about this Shania shit.

Dude, you know what? You were right.

Dude, your tinfoil is broke!

Dude.

Emergency, dude.

Even though I know that they are carriers.

Even though the bag was taken...

Every winter, all winter.

Everyone else has turned me away.

Everyone is gonna see how freakin' hot you are today

Ew!

Ex squeeze me?

Except not.

Exclusive footage of how our show Broad City is made.

Fine by me!

Fine by me!

Fine, I'm in.

First thing.

Five one and a half.

For a couple years.

Forearm's good.

Four and three and two and one

Friend!

Friend!

Fuck, I'm good.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fully.

Fun fact, there was actually a coffee shop inside.

Furry little bear.

Get in there

Get out of here. Go!

Get out of the way!

Get some blood flowing.

Get stuff so crazy, that was a lot.

Get to be part of the conversation, you know?

Gets all the damn tips.

Go get 'em, tiger. I'm gonna go be Santa

God, I would not wanna (bleep) him.

God, maybe I could've fucked less people before I got back together with Lincoln.

God, that's f...

God.

Gonna be extremely impressed.

Good bye, Abbi.

Good night, Dad.

Got one?

Gotcha. Wow, I'm showing

Great, you look... It looks great, Shania.

Great.

Great. Ah..

Great. Keep those hips back. Nice.

Ha ha!

Ha! He called me a slut! Yes!

Hang on, dude, here we go!

Hard liquor s...

Have you been using protection?

Have you guys ever fallen asleep here and just spent the night?

He has herpes.

He plays Marcel, who is Ilana's new boss

He'll be fine.

He's been here the whole time

Hello.

Hey, Dara.

Hey, guys, get your shit together.

Hey, hey, hey. Bodine. Bodine, hey!

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on over here?

Hey, I have full on bed bugs. Can I come over?

Hey, I think you have bad service, 'cause it just...

Hey, um...

Hi... Shania Twain.

Himmelz!

Himmelz?

Hm.

Hm.

Hmm.

Holy shit.

Hop on the mat there, and I'll just stretch you out.

Hot dog! Ah!

How dare you?

How long was the dog in the box?

How many dumps have I taken at Barnes and Noble?

How many men have you slept with?

How many times can you...

How's it going?

However, I can guarantee that I can't.

I also served at the Golden Heirloom, a home for the elderly.

I always sit on the wooden benches in the subway platform

I am so glad that it came in our lives for such a brief...

I blew you, dude!

I call him Mini Me,

I call him Valtrex.

I can smell that there's chemistry between you guys.

I can't believe I'm about to say this but...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but okay, you can train her with me.

I can't get the juice.

I can't go back there.

I can't guarantee that I can get 'em out.

I canceled it 'cause it was costing me, like,

I could be your Goose.

I did.

I didn't even have to be mean. I made $800.

I didn't know that the kitty litter could be organic as well.

I didn't win Powerball.

I do really have a good feeling about this.

I don't care about... He's rich, his family's rich

I don't know if I wanna, like...

I don't know what kind of strong island honky's

I don't like what the new girl's done with this space.

I don't think anyone knows.

I don't usually have a gun pointed at me, bitch.

I don't work with family.

I don't, like, need need this. This is just for, like, extra cash.

I don't... have no idea what people do these days.

I feel like I spent two hours this morning recycling bottles and cans for $4.15.

I feel like it's good to start.

I feel like she's gonna know that you made it.

I feel like that's good.

I forgot how to do that.

I guess I could make up a lie and get out of work.

I guess this is our lives now. We have bed bugs.

I had a lump in my breast.

I have a gift for my little Guatemalan coffee bean,

I have a license to carry this.

I have an interview about the waitressing job.

I have been lying about training Shania Twain for, like, years.

I have never done that.

I have that interview, finally, that Jaime hooked me up with.

I have... Bed bugs.

I haven't said that since, like, 1997.

I haven't slept with anybody for two months.

I honestly don't give a shit.

I hope you mean go to therapy, 'cause this lie is getting tragic.

I hope you never get better.

I hope you never get better.

I just found out my parents are getting divorced.

I just love the way the wood feels.

I just realized it's a driveway.

I just think seeing it from this angle might be,

I just wanna ask you a question.

I just wanna smush you and eat you up!

I just wasn't ready to talk yet.

I just wish I would've (bleep) up a little more.

I just... Honestly, I want to go home and watch Friends.

I kissed a bisexual man with tongue.

I knew Top Gun would work.

I know it like the back of, like...

I know it now. It was just, like,

I know that's your go to, but it's actually on your back.

I know, I didn't ever think my mom was hot?!

I know, I have a timeless classic for you.

I know.

I like to keep it light and fun with my mom.

I love her.

I love her.

I love that the bag was stolen!

I may be a dumb, white bitch, but I'm not that dumb.

I mean sex.

I mean, he had a gun.

I mean, I guess this makes me a real New Yorker now.

I mean, it's not really something you can ask for.

I mean, just let me take one pic.

I mean, not even a finger.

I mean, she's kind of conservative.

I mean, this is such a great place to work.

I mean, who knows?

I mean, you're not the relationship type, right?

I meant literally burn it.

I meant me. I need to be honest with you.

I need to be honest now. Let me...

I need to go back to med school.

I never went to a play at night.

I often see things other people don't.

I once saw these suckers take out the Metropolitan Opera House.

I owe so much money to so many bad people.

I owe you one. I'll see you later.

I seriously believe in you, Abbi. And you have to dress for success.

I seriously believe in you, Abbi. And you have to dress for success.

I should just up my medication in the winter.

I think I need to take an emergency therapy session today.

I think so, air quotes are pretty big now.

I think the character is more stern than Ru actually is.

I think we do know, Abbi.

I think we found your nickname.

I turned a shitty job

I wanna wear clothes meant for black women.

I was just checking out... Uh, the chair, making sure the height was right.

I was thinking maybe we could split an app

I wasn't on top of it, and I just... don't care.

I went too far.

I wish I would've (bleeped) a little more.

I would birdfeed them tapioca.

I would just love to return this product please.

I... I have to quit.

I'II... I'll just wipe it clean.

I'll be back in a little bit.

I'll figure it out.

I'll give you really rigorous head...

I'll just do one more on our way back in.

I'll move and it'll really break your dick off.

I'll need two weeks because I have to relocate.

I'll take it.

I'm a dad now.

I'm doing it my way.

I'm feeling really depressed from the winter,

I'm getting you 17 spicy escargot wontons, stat.

I'm glad you think so, tiny tits. (laughs)

I'm going back in.

I'm going to a party at Andy Cohen's place.

I'm gonna go wherever I can be the best father

I'm gonna hit the smoothie bar.

I'm gonna light it, and you're gonna take a gasp

I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'm in so much trouble

I'm just gonna... gonna do it.

I'm kind of digging it.

I'm like, "You're mugging me, bitch."

I'm looking for a package.

I'm not feeling it!

I'm off to bring the leftover food

I'm pot!

I'm pot.

I'm putting you in section eight tonight.

I'm really feeling like honesty is the best policy.

I'm really sorry I'm late.

I'm really struggling to be mean. This just isn't me.

I'm so proud of you, living as an artist

I'm so sorry, we do not accept Medicaid.

I'm sorry.

I'm such a Chandler.

I'm upgrading you..

I'm, I'm sorry, Marcel.

I'm, like, is this what being an adult is

I've been going through a dry spell ever since I cut off my peepee.

I've been looking for something like this.

I've been watching RuPaul on TV for my entire life,

I've got a package here for Abbi Abrams at "Soul stice,"

I've never gone without underwear.

I've never had a pineapple barbecue

I've never, um, had a martini

I've slept with three.

If I had cancer, I would let you know.

If I need it, we have it.

If it was just my hand.

If you do it, I'll do the climber.

If you ever have to,

If you feel a six figure salary isn't enough to support a tiny dog...

If you feel a six figure salary isn't enough to support a tiny dog...

If you wanna get a little buzzy.

Ilana, it's me. Um...

Ilana, was it more than my rent?

ILANA: Oh, God!

Ilana.

In her breast, and she didn't tell me about it.

In here!

In one of the most prestigious chiropractor's offices in the Village.

In your perfect apartment in the big city.

Including you, okay?

Incredible genes, so she does not like to work out.

Independent woman.

Into a "fitty" job.

Is hers new?

Is it good?

Is the 26th Amendment because then I'll actually

Is there any way that you could ship it to my new address?

Is this, like, a new team look or something?

Is to be a Kween of Mean.

Isn't enough of the world of Broad City for me.

It felt so right, it felt like

It has a subtle balance of foie gras and seaweed.

It has alcohol in it.

It is a real challenge.

It is like a behind the curtain look at Broad City.

It is like a different character for him too

It just tastes better.

It must have been shipped to my default address.

It seems a little big.

It stands for "Seasonal Affective Disorder,"

It was just such a crazy like American honor

It was really hard to write about depression

It's a mystery.

It's a skill of anticipation.

It's a very big deal.

It's about the bag.

It's actually an amazing story.

It's fine now, it's fine.

It's getting weird.

It's illegal not to burn infested cash.

It's just like a friend thing.

It's just not doing it for me, man.

It's not a big deal.

It's our signature cocktail.

It's really popular among your demographic.

It's so funny for you to call me a dude.

It's surprisingly not soul crushing.

It's that sadness.

It's that time of year.

It's the foundation of any long term relationship, you know?

It's working, dude, it's working.

It's your standard penile fracture. We may have to operate.

It's, like, uh, pigs eating slop out of a trough

J K, Miss Thing.

Jaime, what're you saying?

Jaime? Jaime?

Jaime...

Jeez!

Jesus (bleep) Christ.

Jesus.

Joanne, until next time.

Joanne?

Joanne?

Joanne? I'm Matthew.

Juicing up, uh, unh, ah!

Just 'cause I don't call my mom

Just be right back on.

Just let me do this, please.

Just, like, dude.

Keep 'em growing out, more witchy.

Killing a dog,

Kind of digging it, my dick is a little bit hard.

Last week, I penetrated myself with a bottle of cough syrup.

Let me get back to you. Let me get back to you.

Let me...

Let's do another one.

Let's do shots.

Let's just say they eat Sushi Mambeaux caviar in Michelin!

Liberty! Ding dong...

Life is trash.

Like Dad asked you to get back together.

Like he's in a black hole.

Like one of those allergy commercials.

Like the back of my hand.

Like, anyone can be a dude.

Like, anyone can be a dude.

Like, maybe, like small stuff.

Like, really seriously, and we have a permit.

Like, stuff just tastes better, right?

Listen, I'm a maker of love songs, a chanteuse.

Listen, I'm sorry I can't help, Ilana.

Livin' in it.

Look at the making of Broad City.

Look at you, Joanne.

Look at yourself.

Look, I don't know what kind of Strong Island honkies

Look, why don't you go work in a Connecticut Muffin, honey.

Looks like you skipped the gold and went straight for the green.

Love that bag.

Man, I feel like a smoothie

MAN: Don't go in there!

MAN: Four and three and two and one, one

MAN: You're killing the innocent!

Marcel, no, it was an accident, obviously.

Marcel, seriously. Take my tips

Marcel, that's unbelievable, that is so sweet.

Marcel, um...

MARCEL: Don't expect anyone to learn your name.

Marcel!

Massouma texted me.

Massouma, I'm sorry that I did not know your name.

MASSOUMA: Bodegas save lives.

MASSOUMA: Get out of my bodega, motherfucker.

Matinees.

Maybe I just need to aim low.

Maybe you could've gotten the bag and the money.

Maybe you could've remembered my name.

Maybe you just increase your medication?

Me and my family, we take that responsibility

Mike? Mike.

Mind of mental health MacGyver!

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. It's working

Mmm, oh, God, what are you doing?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mom, do you wanna get those?

Mom, you're gonna love that. You deserve the best.

Mom, you're high. (giggles)

Mom!

Mom! Mom! Oh, my God, Mom, stop it!

Most of the time I'm gonna be in the shower

Most popularly known from Frasier, her storyline

Motherfucker!

Move! Go!

Mwah

My "husband," Neil.

My daughter (bleep) 32 guys.

My dick is a little bit hard.

My foot.

My head feels like a balloon.

My little garbage pail girl!

My mother is Aisha Johnson.

My name is Ilana Wexler.

My train karma is at an all time low,

My whole life, 55 years.

Nah, I could have it destroyed or taken

Nailed it! Nailed it!

Naughty girls' night out with you.

Never forget it.

Nice and fast then.

Nice grip, Shania.

No disrespect, Lisa, but I probably knew about Anthropologie before you did.

No shade, most people have herpes.

No spots. Why would there be spots?

No, come on, it's not your fault.

No, I could've been more careful.

No, I didn't think so. Go to your fucking balance now.

No, I know why you're here.

No, I shouldn't have come in today, this was a mistake.

No, I shouldn't have come in today, this was a mistake.

No, I wouldn't recommend steroids for you yet

No, I... I accidentally sent a package to the front desk.

No, I... I hung up on you.

No, I'm having a rough time right now.

No, it's fine, it's okay.

No, it's not upsetting. It's good because it made me realize

No, me niether.

No, no, I said man.

No, no, no, I don't need to do that.

No, no, no, no, no, please don't do that, um...

No, okay.

No, you're right. Thank you.

No!

No! I was gonna say Bodine.

Not all Canadians are prudes, you know.

Not even an ESL guy.

Not really.

Now, you gotta get out of here because Abbi's coming,

O M G!

Of a restaurant,

Of antidepressants for two years.

Of clothing home that I own and, to be honest,

Of course you can come over. You're my best friend.

Of Dunkaroos' corporate history or whatever.

Of some potential window displays,

Oh, Abbi, I think that headlock really messed you up.

Oh, and here is my best and her mother

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Okay, we need to park.

Oh, gosh, everything looks so clean.

Oh, I'm not a doctor.

Oh, I'm so excited to be part of the team.

Oh, it's not, like, "sad".

Oh, jeez.

Oh, keep 'er coming.

Oh, let me guess. Were you born in 1 9 88?

Oh, like, now?

Oh, my God, here she is. Go, go, go, go, go! Hide your face!

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm mugging you, bitch!

Oh, my God. Is this a joke?

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. That's an iPad.

Oh, my old knees.

Oh, no.

Oh, okay, you play...

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Okay. All right.

Oh, ow. I think I broke my dick.

Oh, please, man, you are a... You are a career hustler.

Oh, right.

Oh, shh, uh...

Oh, that is some pathetic shit.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's rich, okay?

Oh, that's so good.

Oh, this is, uh, the Mambeaux Tini.

Oh, um, there's, uh, an espresso matcha tea,

Oh, well... Okay.

Oh, when you're in love, don't hide it

Oh, why, why?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you dropped your scarf.

Oh, you're friends with the little Guatemalan boy.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! My man!

Oh! Okay, here we go.

Oh! This slut! Again?

Oh! Whoa! Yes, oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. If you have to ask, it's probably not for you ni. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Okay, cool, thanks, Doctor.

Oh... Well, then have at it!

Okay, all right.

Okay, are you ready?

Okay, Bevers, just if you could put clothes on

Okay, can you just look away for a second please?

Okay, cool.

Okay, dude, dude, dude, what do you need from me?

Okay, found 'em, dude.

Okay, give me ten... thousand watts.

Okay, I got it!

Okay, I smoke, like, sometimes.

Okay, I'm at Soulstice,

Okay, it was just a phase.

Okay, it's too small, anyway.

Okay, let's... stop calling her that.

Okay, no, listen, my mom, like, apparently had a lump

Okay, okay, okay...

Okay, so I accidentally sent a package

Okay, then maybe we got them from Abbi.

Okay, Trey, I can explain what's happening.

Okay, Trey, just listen.

Okay, uh, dude, my mom just told me she's, like,

Okay, we don't need to get into the nitty gritty

Okay, we had a thing, for sure, but it's... It's over.

Okay, we're just warming up your wrist, Shania. You got this, all right?

Okay, well then I will please take store credit.

Okay, well, let's do it, right?

Okay, well, listen, I'm... I'm trying to be a better person now

Okay, well, you know what?

Okay, what do you need?

Okay, wow.

Okay, y'all.

Okay, yeah, let's do shots, I guess.

Okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? (laughing)

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, uh, uh, Shania!

Okay... (clears throat)