Woody Allen Soundboard Edit

His life is so cruel.

I feel that life is is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know the the horrible would be like I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people...

I look around the world and all I see is human suffering.

I'm not myself since I stopped smoking when you quit smoking 16 years ago.

If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck. I am a man.

It's funny, we went to Mexico on our honeymoon. Spent the entire two weeks in bed. I had dysentery.

My disgustingness is my best feature.

Nobody touches my brain. They may drop it. Then I would talk like Mr. Lupitas who got hit by lightning.

See, I can't drink. My body will not tolerate alcohol.

The question is, have I learned anything about life?

War, fellas, I'm a pacifist. I don't believe in war.

Well, I don't know. I was an English major myself, you know, choice of Pope. I minored in foreplay.

What are you doing Saturday night? Committing suicide? What about Friday night?

What are you laughing at, Lady?

What kind of government you guys got here? This is worse than California?