National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) Edit

A letter confirming your reservation at the nut house?

A quarter. A quarter. I'll give Audrey a quarter too.

A word of warning, though. If he does lay into you, it's best to just let him finish.

After you shower, of course. Of course.

Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone...

All I kept was a 50 foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm.

All right. He's still fired, and you are going to jail.

All they do is argue.

Amen!

Amen!

Amen. Amen.

And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

And Eddie with a man in his pajamas with a dog chain...

And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

And get me somebody while I wait.

And how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.

And how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.

And in the next couple of days...

And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap...

And that's all that matters tonight.

And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career.

And then they don't speak to each other Your mother waxes her upper lip?

And this here's our pride and joy. Snots.

And when Santa squeezes his ass down that chimney tonight...

And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don't know, Margo.

And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip.

And?

Are you gonna bawl all over it, or are you gonna open it?

Are you gonna recite The Night Before Christmas?

Are you okay? I'm fine, honey.

Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?

Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree?

Aren't you having any breakfast? I'm not in the mood.

Art, you want to load me up with a little more there. It is good.

Arthur. Art.

At least it's out of its misery.

At this point I can't even see the nuts. They must have blown away.

Audrey, help me get some hot chocolate. It's cold.

Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Francis and Cathrine into the living room...

Aunt Bethany?

Away to the window, I flew like a flash...

Beautiful, Clark. Talk about pissing your money away.

Beautiful. God.

Because if you're good, Santa knows it.

Because we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.

Before things get worse. Worse?

Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...

Before we left, he drank a half a quart of Pennzoil.

Bend over and I'll show you.

Bill, did you get your bonus yet?

Bingo.

Boy, these gusty winds appear to be playing havoc with that giant nutcracker float.

Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning....

Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

But I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck.

But maybe you wouldn't mind the youngsters shacking up with you.

But nothing is going to dampen the spirit of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that.

But when people count on them as part of their salary...

But, I mean, you know, just if I had a log...

Can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat?

Cathrine and I, we're pretty comfy in there, you know.

Cathrine says he's been holding out for a management position.

Cathrine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks...

Christmas is about resolving differences...

Clark W. Griswold Jr.!

Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind. And it's breathtaking.

Clark, do you think there's enough room for the angel?

Clark, don't stay up too late.

Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home.

Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Clark, we're stuck under a truck!

Clark, what's wrong?

Clark!

Clark!

Clark! Don't provoke them.

Clark? You staying late? Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.

Clark. Dinner's ready. Okay, honey. I'm starving.

College? Carnival.

Come here.

Come on, boy.

Come on, son. Stay out of this, Dad.

Come on, unravel these.

Come on. I wanna show you the home.

Company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it.

Corporate cards.

Could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berserk?

Dad, did you bring a saw?

Dad, didn't they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive...

Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."

Dad, it's beautiful!

Dad? Yeah.

Dad? Yeah.

Dad.

Dad's gonna flip out. Nobody's gonna flip out.

Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.

Damn it! Damn it!

Did I tell you I talked to my mother today?

Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.

Do you honestly think I don't know that? Come on, you guys, don't fight.

Do you honestly think I would check thousands of lights...

Do you know how sick and twisted that is, Mom?

Does your cat, by any chance, eat Jell O?

Don't drop that!

Don't forget that report, Bill. Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Don't piss me off, Art. Clark?

Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas. Same to you.

Don't throw me down, Clark. I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean.

Don't worry about it, Clark. A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.

Drive you out to nowhere and leave you for dead?

Drum roll, please.

Drum roll.

Eat my road grit, liver lips!

Ed? Yeah, Clark.

Eddie?

Eddie?

Eddie?

Eddie....

Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas.

Ellen, are you smoking again?

Ellen, are you still dating Clark?

Ellen, I fixed it!

Ellen! Hey! Ellen!

Ellen.

Even though they're dirty and messy and corny and clichéd.

Everybody! Come out quick! Look at the lights!

Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother?

Excuse me. Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside...

Falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.

Fire it up, Dad!

Fixed the newelpost.

Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.

For chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose!

Frank.

Freeze!

Fried pussycat.

Funerals. Holidays. Oh, great.

Get a towel. Okay!

Get in the kitchen there and get you something to eat. Go on.

Get me somebody. Anybody.

Get out of there. Get in the kitchen now.

Go away, Todd.

Go get the hammer.

Go! Go! Do it!

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record:

Good talk, Dad.

Grace!

Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.

Great.

Great. Can't wait to see what I got.

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Has anyone ever used it on a sled? Not that I know of, Russ.

Have you checked our shitters, honey? Clark, please.

He doesn't know any better. It's illegal.

He thinks maybe next year...

He worked really hard, Grandma. So do washing machines.

He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet.

He's got another car. He can drive. I have to eat so I can take my back pills.

He's got that crazed look in his eye. I told you we should've gone to Hawaii.

He's probably just nosing through the trash there.

Helen! Thank God, you're all right.

Hell, no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Hello?

Help! Daddy, is Clark coming?

Her eyes aren't crossed anymore. That's something, ain't it?

Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine.

Hey, Dad, where do you want these reindeer?

Hey, Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive...

Hey, Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you.

Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Hey, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothing to do with this.

Hey, kids, look a deer.

Hey, kids?

Hey!

Hey! How you doing, son? Fine.

Him's nervous because he don't know if he's getting nothing.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Clark.

Honey, I think I know what's wrong.

Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay?

Honey, they're family. They're not strangers off the street.

Honey?

Honey?

How can they have nothing for the kids? He's been out of work for seven years.

How could they get any worse?

How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

How did you get through it?

How would I know? Is he in the house?

I appreciate that, Clark.

I bet you do, Eddie.

I can't believe it. What is it?

I can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.

I can't even afford to be an elf.

I can't find the Santa Claus.

I can't just attack someone. If you're not man enough...

I can't see.

I can't swim, Clark.

I changed my mind. I'm reinstating the bonuses.

I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas.

I did it.

I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it.

I did that, Dad. I can't Now, look, if you need any help...

I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem.

I don't hear it anymore.

I don't know about that. Now, come on.

I don't know if I ought to go down no hill with nothing between...

I don't know, Sparky. I have this feeling

I don't know.

I don't think he should be nervous and you shouldn't be either.

I don't understand it.

I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.

I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much...

I guess I said some things I shouldn't have. Bonus?

I guess it wouldn't be any

I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

I had to have it replaced because every time Cathrine revved up the microwave...

I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...

I have a terrible suspicion Cathrine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids.

I have nightmares about what he does in his bed...

I hear it too.

I hope he falls and breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll fall.

I hope my Christmas bonus check will cover it.

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays.

I hope you didn't do this all on our account, Clark.

I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

I just talked to my son.

I know that, Eddie.

I know.

I lost my temper when I got my bonus.

I love you.

I love you. We all love you.

I need to get a few more Pay by check.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

I see. Good.

I think you'd better go back to bed now.

I think you've made a terrible mistake. I told you to freeze, mister.

I wanna look him straight in the eye and tell him...

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber on Melody Lane...

I want to have Christmas here in our house.

I want to have Christmas here in our house.

I was afraid....

I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club.

I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell you all this, but what the heck.

I was just smelling Smiling. I was just blouse Browsing.

I was just.... I was just looking at something for my wife.

I wasn't talking to you.

I wasn't talking to you.

I went ahead and I put a $7500 deposit down on it.

I will. Not a card? No. If they return it, then it's a hassle....

I wish I was.

I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight.

I'd like to mention it. Write a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

I'll get around this egg timer.

I'll get that. Don't worry about it. Let me get it.

I'll get the other box.

I'll park the cars and check the luggage...

I'll park the cars.

I'll pull around them and leave them behind us.

I'll talk to him, Mom.

I'll try and trap it.

I'm doing the parking. Russ, you want to help?

I'm going in with him.

I'm gonna catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer.

I'm gonna put my car in the garage! He damaged my car, you believe that?

I'm not kidding.

I'm retiring.

I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone lately.

I'm sorry. Clark....

I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

I'm sure he wants to come shopping and have lunch with us.

I'm sure it's a lot of work too, but if I'm out in the cold...

I'm sure.

I've always wanted to do this. That's a lot of lights, Dad.

I've been waiting for this bonus.

I've got to give a speech to a trade group.

I've never been treated like this in my life.

I've still got those bills to pay....

If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one.

If he drinks the water, the tree's gonna dry up. Come on, out of there.

If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.

If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year?

If I don't get that bonus, I'm in it up to here.

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now.

If it isn't at the house, I'm sure it's on its way.

If only I had back the money that me and Cathrine...

If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.

If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town.

If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly you all down here to help us dedicate it.

If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

If this isn't the biggest bag over the head punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!

If you believe in him and you believe in your mom and you believe in your....

If you don't mind me asking, how much it set you back?

If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see if I can fumigate this here chair.

If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter.

If you wanna come in, you are gonna have to break down the goddamn door!

If you've been good all year round, Santa Claus is gonna bring you something.

In seven years he couldn't find a job?

In the meantime, I can light the Santa and the reindeer and the Merry Christmas sign.

In years to come, you'll want your family to remember all the love you gave us.

Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this.

Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Is that a fact? Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo!

Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Is this the airport, Clark? We're here!

Is your house on fire, Clark? No, Bethany. Those are Christmas lights.

Isn't it a beaut, Audrey? She'll see it later, honey.

Isn't it a little big? It's not big, it's just full.

It creates a surface 500 times more slippery than any cooking oil.

It isn't every day somebody moves into a new house.

It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.

It probably got scared and ran back into the tree.

It was a big misunderstanding tonight.

It was an ugly tree, anyway.

It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut. Dad, Dad, Dad.

It's a beautiful product. I like it, yeah.

It's a crying shame the older kids couldn't make it.

It's a light on the sewage treatment plant.

It's a one year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.

It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match near it.

It's bigger than you expected?

It's from my company.

It's going in our living room.

It's in the basement. We'll get it later.

It's just wonderful. Yeah.

It's lime. That's her Jell O mold. I'll take it, Eddie.

It's me, Clark Griswold. What do you want?

It's not the chair. It's some kind of gas coming from the sewer.

It's not too late to change our plans. No, no, that's great. That's great.

It's not too late to change our plans. No, no, that's great. That's great.

It's over. Not according to Santa's watch.

It's people that make the difference.

It's Santa Claus. What? What's wrong?

It's semipermeable, not osmatic. It coats and seals the flake...

It's something else, huh, Russ? Yeah, Dad.

It's your house. It's your Christmas.

Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany?

Just finishing up a few things. Last day of the year for me.

Just in the living room. I should say it?

Just put them down there on the lawn, Russ.

Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house.

Kids, this is what our forefathers did. I can't feel my leg.

Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.

Let's get in where it's warm.

Let's go find your sister.

Let's go.

Lewis burned down my tree, so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Lewis?

Lewis.

Little people, like you.

Look at how big you've gotten. Merry Christmas.

Look at it. It really is beautiful, Clark.

Look at that.

Look out!

Look what you've done to my tree!

Look, Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings...

Look, look!

Look!

Look!

Look...

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

May we blink?

Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table.

Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll check in back.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Merry Christmas, honey.

Merry Christmas, Sparky.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Mistake? Frank, honey, you were kidnapped.

Mom, don't move.

Mom, I can't feel my hips. Clark.

Mom, they're not sleeping in my room. I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.

Mom? In the living room, Russ.

Mom. Sweetheart.

Mom. What?

Most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace...

Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas. Who's that?

My pleasure. Layman's terms.

My tree!

My wife and I came up with a little something special. It's a gift.

Nervous or excited? Shitting bricks.

Never thought the day would come. Yeah, I'm excited about it too.

No, I'm doing just fine, Clark. Just glad to be here.

No, I'm not Santa Claus.

No, it's the Christmas star.

No, no, no Oh, my God

No, no.

No, no. We're all in this together.

No!

No. I still have a couple hundred more bulbs to check.

No. I still have a couple hundred more bulbs to check.

No. We missed out on that one. You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?

Nobody's walking out on this family Christmas.

None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.

Nope. How come?

Nora! Is it gone?

Nora?

Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees.

Not you, them! Them!

Nothing. Let's go in and finish our dessert.

Now I know what it means to me.

Now you get back to bed. Come on.

Now, if I were you I'd personally check each one.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call.

Obviously she doesn't wear underwear. And there are plenty of shopping days left...

Obviously something had to break the window!

Of course I do. They took a pint of fluid out of my back.

Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't have done that.

Oh, boy. This is a surprise, Clark.

Oh, bullshit!

Oh, Clark, it's so lovely. Mom.

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, he's just yacking on a bone. He's got it up. He's all right now.

Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts. These look like giant nuts to me.

Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine. It looks good to me.

Oh, it's okay. It happens.

Oh, just wondering.

Oh, Mother. Isn't that terrible?

Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got your Christmas card the other day...

Oh, my carpet!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history.

Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault.

Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse.

Oh, sure, honey. I have a little more trimming to do...

Oh, that there? That's an RV.

Oh, that was fun. I love riding in cars.

Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark. Eddie?

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything.

Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. See, I don't know what to do.

Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?

Okay. That's enough of that.

On behalf of myself and every other employee you rear ended this Christmas.

Open it, Clarkie. Open it.

Open it!

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Our holidays were always such a mess. Oh, yeah.

Our holidays were always such a mess. Oh, yeah.

Our pool!

Over at the V.A. they had to replace it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so....

Over here it's, you know, nothing.

Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. Good night, honey.

Pretty name, Ed.

Put it over there with the others, greaseball.

Quiet! Shut up!

Quit being so damn polite, Ed.

Release B Squad. What's going on here?

Remember how I was toying with the notion of suspending the Christmas bonuses?

Retooling?! I'll retool you!

Rocky bit my thumb. What?

Rocky said something about Eddie telling him Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.

Ruby Sue, sweetheart.

Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor window at Marshall Field's.

Russ!

Russ! Right here, Dad.

Russ. Audrey.

Russ. Yeah?

Santy Claus!

Save the neck for me, Clark. Okay, Eddie.

See, kids...

See? You can't see the line.

Seventeen years with the company. I've gotten a bonus every year but this one.

She gets confused, Rusty. She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money...

She has for years. It doesn't show.

She wrapped up her cat. Take it in the kitchen and open it up.

She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears.

Shitter was full! Yeah.

Shitter was full! Yeah.

Slow down and let him pass.

Smaller?

Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly.

Snots. Out, out, out.

So how's the live bait business, Eddie? Well, I can't complain. How you doing?

So it's good you came to stay with us. I love it here.

So, Carl...

So, what's the matter with you?

Something had to hit the stereo!

Something really nice.

Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull.

Son?

Son.

Sorry, Daddy. It looks good even if they're not lit.

Sorry.

Speaking of Christmas trees, kids, can one of you tell me...

Squirrel!

Stay here.

Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun, old fashioned family Christmas...

Sweetheart. Your grandma Nora's got a real painful burr on my heel.

Take a look around you, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Take a look at this.

Take it, Russ.

Tear the sucker open, Dad. Yeah.

Thank you, Cathrine.

Thank you, Russ.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks for being here. The little lights are not twinkling.

Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.

Thanks, Mom. It's probably a bad bulb, son.

That ain't the frigging Christmas star, Gris.

That it is, Edward. That it is, indeed.

That should be it.

That should look good. Ready?

That this was all my idea. No. No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.

That's a Christmas present from a very dear friend of mine.

That's a honey of a tree, Clark. Is it real?

That's all part of the experience, honey.

That's Bill, sir.

That's good. That's good. That's good.

That's it. That's the big one!

That's okay, Eddie.

That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you to

That's true? Cross my heart.

The blessing.

The clean, cool chill of the holiday air.

The Griswold family Christmas tree.

The house lights don't work, the flood lights don't work.

The house sure does look swell, Clark.

The man was...

The question is, what will you do with that bonus?

Then I had Spam until it was coming out of my ears.

Then we'll have a cat running around. You can't leave it in the box.

There are no lots open on Christmas Eve.

There he is! Oh, my boy.

There is a nip in the air though. Can I take something out for you?

There it is.

There's a lot of sap in here.

There's no business. I'm not pressing any charges.

These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar.

They better keep their eyes out on their nuts before someone gets hurt.

They didn't move into a new house.

They invented them because people forgot how to have an old fashioned Christmas...

They walked out into the woods, picked out the tree and cut it with their hands.

They want you to say grace.

They've decided they're coming for Christmas too.

Think it's changing color? No.

This box is meowing. Let me see it.

This here was my idea.

This house is bigger than your old one.

This is a full blown, four alarm holiday emergency here.

This is a new silicon based kitchen lubricant my company's been working on.

This is Clark Griswold and his family.

This is great! It's great! It's great! I'm dead!

This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise.

This is what Christmas is all about.

This one here is leaking.

This ought to do it.

This way, please.

To make sure the pool goes in when the ground thaws...

Todd! What's that light?!

Turn that thing off and get in the house!

Twenty five thousand twinkle lights.

Twenty five thousand. Well, I hope nobody I know drives by...

Two containers of K rations! Two containers of K rations!

Two hundred and fifty strands of light, 100 individual bulbs per strand...

Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?

Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santy Claus?

Wait a minute. I don't believe this! What's all the yelling about?

Was that really necessary?

We checked every bulb, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.

We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurnee.

We didn't do nothing wrong and we still got the shaft.

We have plenty of towels. We have plenty of everything.

We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the 10 acres.

We named him that because he's got this sinus condition.

We needed a coffin. I mean, a tree.

We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise.

We're gonna fly down the hill with this stuff.

We're gonna have the best looking house in town.

We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap hap happiest Christmas...

We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties...

We're pretty well set up here in the RV. It's a little tight...

Welcome to our home.

Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone?

Well, Dad, it was a good try. Thanks, Russ.

Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled, Clark.

Well, get Ed Leftic up here to look over these figures.

Well, have a really Merry Christmas.

Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all.

Well, I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it.

Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Well, I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real.

Well, that's my name. No shit.

Well, where you gonna find a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?

Well, you be careful there. There's nothing to worry about, Eddie.

Were you working on that non nutritive cereal varnish?

What about the kids?

What are you doing up, sweetheart?

What are you looking at?

What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there?

What happened to you?

What is it?

What is it?

What the hell do you want?

What the hell? What is wrong with this?

What was it?! Oh, my God!

What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

What, dear?

What?

What?

What? It was a mistake.

What? She thinks she sees Santa.

What? What happened?

What?! But What's going on here?

What's he doing, Clark? I haven't the foggiest.

What's left of it.

What's that new thing you got at Food and Drug?

What's that sound?

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Some jackass is riding my tail.

What's wrong with the dog?

Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter...

When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and...."

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving.

Where the hell is that cold coming from?

Where's Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.

Why are you crying? I told you we put it in too early.

Why don't you go back in the living room and enjoy yourself? Russ?

Why don't you run and get the kids' things? Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

Will you just take it easy, Ellen? I'm in complete control.

With a big ribbon on his head.

Word is you're an excellent choice to be named Food Additive Designer of the Year.

Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Would you like this one? Sure.

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter

Yeah, I guess so. Sure you do.

Yeah, I know the feeling. I better try this first, see how it works.

Yeah, I know the feeling. I better try this first, see how it works.

Yeah, I'm reminded of a couple years ago, the winds were so high here...

Yeah, it sure does. But don't you go falling in love with it now.

Yeah, last season he was a pixie dust spreader on the Tilt O Whirl.

Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And a hell of a good cook.

Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house...

Yeah. And it's about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.

Yeah. If you don't remember, this here is Rocky.

Yeah. Looks so nice parked in the driveway.

Yeah. Ruby Sue said something like that last night.

Yeah. So when did you get the tenement on wheels?

Yeah. Thanks for telling us.

Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out of the ground myself.

Yeah. You surprised? Surprised, Eddie?

Yes, honey? Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Yes, officer, it seems my husband's been abducted.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen? Because it's cold out.

Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean, nippy out.

You about ready to do some kissing?

You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark.

You can't see the line, can you, Russ? No.

You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

You deserve a home like this to spend Christmas in.

You didn't notice if a man came here and delivered a letter today, did you?

You didn't. Well, of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck!

You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom.

You don't wanna give bonuses, fine!

You ever see her? No.

You goddamn light!

You got a kiss for me? Better take a rain check on that, Art.

You gotta be proud. Oh, yeah.

You had too many plugs in one outlet. Oh, God.

You have to check every bulb. Got a little knot here. You work on that.

You just march right over there and slug that creep in the face.

You keep touching it, it's getting redder. I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?

You know that metal plate in my head? How could I forget?

You know, Dad. I've been thinking.

You know, every year he comes to our house. I've seen him.

You know, I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.

You know, if one goes out, the whole thing doesn't work.

You losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse.

You really think it matters, Eddie? The plate runs underneath my part here.

You remember Ruby Sue? Oh, yeah.

You scared me.

You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.

You should be looking at a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?

You should say it. Hello, everybody!

You shouldn't use that word. Sorry. Shitting rocks.

You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

You think you might be overdoing it, Dad? When was the last time I overdid anything?

You too.

You used more than one cord, didn't you?

You wanna ride behind somebody who does that?

You want me to do the drum roll thing? No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

You want something you can be proud of, don't you?

You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

You're fired. And where's the phone? I'm calling the police.

You're goofy.

You're not getting the garage space. After what you did

You're the last true family man.

You're too good a father to act like this.

Your company kill off all them people over in India not long ago?

Your dad.

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.

...add 20 percent.

...all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?

...and he'll love you till the day you die.

...and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right...

...and I'm gonna do it big.

...and my family and I are very flattered that you remembered us.

...and say hello to everybody. Hello, everybody?

...and seeing through the problems of family life.

...and sees me standing in the yard, staring at the house in my pajamas.

...and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

...and to the republic for which it stands...

...and yeah, I'll be outside for the season.

...because I was going to the bathroom. We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

...but it fell between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.

...but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks.

...but that won't be a problem. Ready?

...but we didn't come to impose. Hell, there's plenty of room.

...by heading out into the country in the old front wheel drive sleigh...

...cousin in law, whose heart is bigger than his brain

...for a grand total of 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights.

...give me a holler. I'll be upstairs, asleep. Thanks.

...had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

...having everybody in the house at the same time.

...he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak Woman.

...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.

...heartless, fat assed, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped...

...I didn't have enough in my account to cover the check.

...I had to pay in advance. And until this arrived...

...I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

...I think she should lead us in the saying of grace.

...I think we're all in for a very big treat.

...I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?

...if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?

...it means something different to everybody.

...low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed...

...not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly.

...of kith and kin.

...one nation under God, indivisible...

...prevents the milk from penetrating it. Yeah.

...run into the living room, get my stogy.

...sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players.

...since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Kaye.

...so she takes things from the house and gives them as presents.

...so we can take care of business here?

...sometimes things look good on paper...