Bad Santa (2003) Edit

A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall.

Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa

After tonight I don’t give a shit.

All right, hit it.

All right, hold it steady.

All right, next.

All right, small fry, help yourself.

All right. Now you're talking. Oh, hold on one minute.

Although there was blood on the present you gave me,

And I bullshit you not.

And I heard a woman screaming, Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And I heard his voice saying,

And I heard these...

And I respect that. But you also been caught...

And I'm out on my ass now. She got half of everything.

And on Christmas Eve, you’re going to rob this store blind.

And pull your damn pants up!

And some guy is nosing around in my room.

And the long eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut.

And they tell me that I will soon be 100%,

And to tell you the truth...

And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes.

And you all take your little medicine show back on the road.

And you have to fly around the world and give presents to everyone,

And you won't be around anymore.

And you're part of this sorry ass generation.

And you’re Marcus “The Prince” Skidmore.

Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.

Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on! Yeah, there you go.

Anyway, see you soon.

Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you,

Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care?

Are you insane?

Are you off your fucking meds or something?

Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?

Are you shittin' me?

Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends.

Are you spry?

Are you telling me she's the only one here?

As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof that there's not a Santa Claus.

As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you

Ass clown.

Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes.

Aw, Jesus.

Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one. That's not the stuff.

Because they didn't hit any vital organs,

Because you got no discipline. You got zero fuckin' initiative.

Believe me, if it was, I...

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever.

But don't get me wrong.

But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it in front of the children…

But I just can't help it.

But I never told you what I wanted.

But it was for a purpose.

But look at all that shit.

But thin fingers. Not the fat sausage fingers.

But thin fingers. Not the fat sausage fingers.

But this is the time we reach deep down and suck it up.

But you promised no arcades.

Bye, Santa!

Bye.

Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes?

Check this out.

CHIPESKA: Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in five minutes.

Come here.

Come on, baby.

Come on, let’s go.

Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

Cut the bullshit, I’m just looking.

Danced for all those fucking housewives

Dear kid...

Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?

Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?

Do you really need all that shit?

Do you think you could find something?

Do you?

Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?

Does your daddy have a car?

Does your daddy have a safe?

Done.

Drop the gun.

Dumb ass, why don't you turn around?

Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. You know why, Willie?

Even with 8 bullets dug out of me,

Ever hear of the open bottle law?

Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable.

Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?

Find everything you're looking for?

For Christ sakes, it's Christmas.

For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?

Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy. You know what he did?

Freeze!

Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.

Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.

Fuck me? Fuck you.

Fuck me.

Fuck stick?

Fuck the fuckin’ store dick.

Fuck the loofah. Let's go.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck, no!

Fuck.

Fucking broads.

Fucking little prick!

Fucking shit…

Gee. You know what? This one, I think it's more than enough.

Get out of here. Next.

Get the ladder and put it over here.

Get your hands out of my pants, man!

Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay?

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it! Are you fucking with me?

God damn it! Whoa! Shit!

God damn it.

Good God.

Good night and have a very Merry Christmas.

Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night.

Goodbye, Willie.

Got a name?

Grandma?

Grandma.

Ha ha ha.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Halt, police! Put your hands up! I said freeze!

Happy holidays to you.

Happy holidays.

Happy New Year.

Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially...

He could take his orders from the talking walnut,

He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him.

He lives with his drooling ass old grandmother.

He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?

He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon.

He's dead, huh?

He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children?

He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. He's been gone a long time.

He’s such a cud that guy, he’s such a cud…

Held you together, smiled for all those kids,

Hell, I wouldn't want to.

Hello ma’am, can I help?

Here, hold still. Hold still.

Hey, can I get another drink down here?

Hey, check out this loser.

Hey, dipshit.

Hey, fat ass. How you doing today?

Hey, Granny?

Hey, Granny.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, look, it's the retard again.

Hey, loser. How you doing today?

Hey, loser. What’s up fat ass?

Hey, Opal.

Hey, there, Granny?

Hey, Willie. Take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Hey, you're that kid.

Hi. Bob Chipeska.

Hold it for me.

Houseguests?

How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?!

How many times you fucked: “The bigger the store, the bigger the take“.

How old are they?

I ain't out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly

I almost had that job.

I appreciate it.

I beat the shit out of some kids today.

I called State Farm, but they have no record of any insurance policy for you.

I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th fucking century, you dickhead!

I didn't even know he was sick.

I dig that little thing on your belly button.

I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmo even play guitar?

I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmo even play guitar?

I don't care if it choke you to death.

I don't care who gave it to you.

I don't give a shit what you want.

I don't know what he's called exactly. But, uh, he's a little guy.

I don't know. Fuck, kid. I just call them, bub.

I don't know. Just through the holidays.

I don't need any goddamn lectures out of you.

I don't think so.

I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them...

I don't want to take over. I don't even want to change your scam.

I don’t like that guy.

I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did,

I forgot to say, It's gonna sting a little bit. That’s all

I get them on the weekends. Why don't you go run me a bath?

I got this. I got this!

I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow.

I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back.

I hope it's the right size.

I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it,

I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did.

I just mean because you're Santa Claus.

I just rent the fucking place anyway.

I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 'cause we're friends.

I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days,

I know there's no Santa.

I know. How about Santa?

I like you.

I needed more of a running start. I couldn't build up enough speed.

I pissed myself.

I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right?

I saw you at another mall.

I say, Hey, bub or chief or whatever the fuck. I tell him to make the goddamn toy.

I tell you how it's gonna be.

I think America has a sad future ahead of it.

I thought it was always night at the North Pole.

I thought maybe at least since I did good in school,

I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope.

I want you to take this letter.

I was against the Clinton impeachment. What a man does with his own penis...

I was just trying to help you!

I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink.

I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%?

I'll be dipped in dog shit. Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?

I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu,

I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.

I'm going back upstairs. I need a melon baller and a loofah.

I'm healing up good,

I'm just tired of you, Willie. Ooh.

I'm not talking about you taking me out. That part, I get.

I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?

I'm sorry. The van stalled. Will you give us a jump, please?

I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.

If you don't like, next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.

If you don't tell him, you won't get a present.

If you think you can make my fucking life any worse, go right ahead.

In a fucking lime green, fucking velvet elf costume,

In case you didn't notice.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf.

In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4...

In one year and three months.

Is Daddy home?

Is Granny spry?

Is he dead?

Is it Grandma? Is my son all right?

Is that it?

Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?!

It just tells all the bad things that...

It made me feel good about myself.

It was like I did something constructive with my life, or something… I don't know.

It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know?

It's a belly button ring.

It's a joke. Just a joke.

It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

It's in the shop, getting repaired.

It's like some deep seated childhood thing.

It's not for the American people to say.

It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything. You know?

It's not paint. It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you.

It's not quite 8:00 yet.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ! Let me see it! Let me see it!

Jesus Christ. Is everything fucking sex with you?

Jesus fucking Christ, kid! Why do you talk about yourself that way?!

Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla,

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. What is the problem now?

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Just a little tired.

Just ditch, you idiot. You got anywhere to sack out for a while?

Just don't come into work stinking of booze again.

Just my liver, which is fucked anyway.

Keep on going.

Keep on going.

King me.

Last time I didn't shit right for a week.

Least of all yourself.

Let me fix you some sandwiches.

Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it.

Let me get your drink.

Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.

Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.

Like ya anyway.

Little Billy Barty. God rest.

Little Billy Barty. God rest.

Little people. That's what they like.

Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus!

Look here. Get him out of here. I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.

Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget.

Lovely child.

Make it about something safe 'cause you're an emotional fucking cripple.

MAN ON TV: A 6 1/2 pound honey ham. 4 freshly caught whole trout.

MAN ON TV: A dozen tasty juicy lamb chops.

MAN ON TV: A luscious looking six pound leg of lamb with rosemary.

MAN ON TV: A six pound mouth watering pork loin roast.

MAN ON TV: And a hot dog and sausages to feed a small army.

MAN ON TV: And everybody’s favorite, baby back ribs.

MAN ON TV: Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens.

MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2 pound standing rib roast.

MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six pound chicken.

MAN: Mr. Soke?

Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.

Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me.

Marcus, get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out.

Marcus, hop on!

Marcus, it's Willie. Listen, I just got back to the motel. ...

MARCUS: Thanks.

Maybe there's something I could fire him for.

Maybe you'd bring me a present.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Message one.

Morning, team.

Motherfucker!

Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister.

My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.

My fuck stick.

Needs a little bit of a woman's touch.

Next. Come on.

No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?

No shit.

No, actually, don't tell me. I don’t want to know. What do you want?

No, I agree. They shouldn’t pay the whole lot of them.

No, I just got clothes in there.

No, in town.

No, it's not that. Just come here. I need to talk to you.

No, no, no. It's a joke.

No, not really.

No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy.

No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the...

No. I'm not talking about that.

No. It was her sister.

No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch.

Nobody comes here for the elf. Santa's the attraction.

Nobody else?

Not a big talker.

Not really.

Nothing I can help you with, huh?

Nothing.

Now get the fuck out of my lap or tell me what you want.

Now it's 8:00. Merry Christmas.

Now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail.

Now, get off my lap. You sit there like a fucking retard.

Now, put on your fucking hat and get out there.

Number 8.

Of course, I can't fire him for that.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, good. What do you want?

Oh, Granny.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, just forget it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want the single?

Oh, my. What a terrible accident.

Oh, my. What a terrible accident.

Oh, nothing. I'm all right.

Oh, Roger. You're home.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I can't remember.

Oh, shit. Which one did he say?

Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it.

Oh, yeah? Hang on a second.

Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker.

Oh, you're shitting me. I thought... I was thinking it was the...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. 30%. There's three of us. 30%. That's fair.

Okay. Fine. Barbie. Oh, thank you.

Okay. Good. I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one.

On my head?

Ooh!

Open the ropes there, Marcus.

Or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.

Or don't. Shit, I don't care. Just leave me out of it.

Or midget.

Or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass.

Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall...

Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. Next.

Performance, like sexual?

Performance, like sexual?

Piece of cake.

Prove it.

Put it on reverse, Lois.

Put the cigarettes away, you asshole. This ain’t no fucking bar.

Relax. These pants are awful baggy.

Right for a month.

Right. Another fucking Mongoloid.

Roger, you're home. Let me fix you some sandwiches.

Santa don’t do grab ass, cowboy.

Santa fucking someone in the ass.

Santa?

Santa.

Santa...

Santa.”

Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon.

Santa's here.

Say cheese.

See? Move the ball. There you go.

Seven cities in seven years. Pretty impressive.

Sex, yeah. But man is a sexual being.

She does look kind of still, doesn't she?

She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.

She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost

She said she was 18.

She seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi.

Shit, yeah. Always found them…

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shouldn't I wrap it in a T shirt or something?

Shut up.

Shut up. That's not even what you said.

Sits in front of the TV all the time.

Sketch it up, you fuckin’ moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.

So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.

So fuck stick. That's it?

So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time.

So I'm gonna be crashing here.

So I’ll be staying in Phoenix now,

So I’ll see you when I come over to fuck Mrs Santa’s sister in the Jacuzzi.

So is my thing for tits.

So it was like this forbidden thing.

So it wouldn't be my bad thing.

So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess.

So stop acting like you know something. 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat!

So that tragedies like this...

So this is how it's gonna be.

So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?

So, as our security chief, I wanted you to be aware.

So, do you like kids?

So, what do you do, you know... After the holidays, I mean.

So, you think I did good?

So...

Someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't...

Son of a bitch!

Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Special treatment? I'm 3 foot fucking tall, you asshole!

Store dick don't want shit.

Store dick don't want shit.

Store dick's dead.

Such a nice place here you got.

Sweet **** for Jesus.

Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now. Go on and get in there. I can take it.

Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus?

Take it off.

Tell him food poisoning or something.

Telling the police how screwed up they are which is not a bad job as jobs go.

Terza.

Thank the fuck Christ.

Thank you for your time. God bless.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. Merry Christmas.

Thanks. We've been at this a long time and all.

That figures. You want all kind of set asides.

That has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass.

That the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa...

That was so sweet. He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?

That way. Where's the stable?

That you cannot get in this fucking safe?!

That's it.

That's right.

That's the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched.

That’s a nice talk.

That’s not true, I’m no sizes

The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now,

The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa.

The sizes, they say…

The store changes, your name changes. But you always get away clean.

The world ain't fair. You gotta take what you need when you can get it.

There's gonna be some cops there.

There's no joy in this for me.

There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.

They have a tender sensibility.

They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit.

They only work during the day, all right?

They run you ragged.

They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon,

They’d all say: If it had been a supermodel or a beautiful…

This ain't no Chinese menu, you jagoff.

This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency.

This is gonna be cool. This will do fine.

This is pricks fix.

This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...

Two year olds flip me shit better than you.

Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut and dried.

Um, yeah. Thank you.

Um, you know, these noises.

Until then, don’t take no shit from nobody,

Use something with some claws to it.

Want to play again?

Want to see my report card?

Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee. What do you want?

Watching you till your dad gets back

Watching you till your dad gets back

We can’t work the big store with your big fucking trainwreck.

We got a fucking nursing home around here.

We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas. Thank you for shopping with us.

We wish you all a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa.

We'd like to think we do a good job.

We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about.

Welcome. Great photo and rÈsumÈ, by the way.

Well let me tell you something. Nobody cares.

Well ya. Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?

Well, come on. What do you want? A snot rag?

Well, good.

Well, how close are we?

Well, I heard you. Fraggle Stick car. Fine.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

Well, it's fucked.

Well, let's face the facts. Y'all are a couple of half bucket small timers.

Well, not now. Right now it's always day.

Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny.

Well, shit, kid, I don't know. I...

Well, sure.

Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night.

Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa.

Well, they’re designer sunglasses but they’re at knockoff prices.

Well, we can go in another room.

Well, you are truly the best man I’ve ever seen for this job..

What about the elves?

What about the reindeer?

What are their names?

What are you drinking, Styrinol now?

What are you, Sigmund Sawed off Fucking Freud?

What can I say?

What do you care what I think, huh?

What do you mean?

What do you want?

What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now?

What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?

What is it with you anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?

What is it?

What is this?

What the fuck are you doing here?

What the fuck do you think you doing? You son of a bitch!

What the fuck happened to your eye?

What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?

What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit!

What the fuck?

What the fuck? No.

What you call me, thigh high?

What, do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

What, you shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now?

What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? On the couch?

What's it like at the North Pole?

What's that? Like a diamond?

What's wrong with you kids these days?

What's your name? You can tell me.

What’d say we go somewhere private.

Whatever you guys do, it works. All I want is a taste.

When he wasn't busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.

When I was in the joint with him, he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.

When the deed is done, we part ways.

When the paramedics come to bag Santa up,

Where the hell's the rest of it?

Which didn't keep me from enjoying it.

Which is fine. Because, you know, there is an adult world and a child's world, and that's okay.

Which is new in my experience.

Who pull on my underwear.

Who the fuck is in my room? Did you see somebody go in my room?

Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh?

Why do you need a car?

Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole.

Why don’t you fuck off, you little shit.

Why'd you paint it brown?

Will never again embarrass the whole fucking department.

Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again.

Willie, this has been a long time coming.

WILLIE: Next.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first.

WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod. You ran into my car last week.

Would you please shut up about reindeer?

Wow.

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, I get you.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, just looking.

Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there.

Yeah, that's right. Go ahead. Talk about my height.

Yeah, they're something else, those kids.

Yeah? What's her name?

Yeah? You fucking petites now?

Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Big fucking farewell.

Yeah. He's back there drunk.

Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.

Yeah. It is like that, though. From when you're a kid.

Yeah. Just let me alone, okay?

Yeah. No, I know.

Yeah. Pretty darn impressive.

Yeah. Some guy asking about you. Looked like a cop.

Yeah. Why don't you get going?

Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.

Yes. But that isn't what this is about.

Yes. I thought it was very strange, too.

Yes. Uh, right.

Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um...

You ain't going to S H I T

You ain't gonna shit right for a week.

You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eating shit...

You are Willie “Tugboat” Soak.

You better be in shape by this evening, asshole.

You blow this, and we're broke for the whole fucking year.

You can't just take up with some kid.

You cocksucker!

You dipshit motherfucker…

You don't know who's around or what they do.

You don’t like any guy.

You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and who happens to work with a real midget.

You fuck her?

You going to work today?

You got some nerve, you little fuck you.

You got some nerve, you little shit you.

You gotta be able to rely, Willie.

You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby.

You know what? Fuck this.

You know, I think I've turned a corner.

You know, then I'll move on.

You lousy, cheating little fucking shit!

You need many years of therapy.

You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.

You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall.

You saying something to me?

You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

You tear your ball again?

You think she's gonna rat me out?

You two are the best men for this job, truly.

You want to see some magic? Here. Let's watch you disappear.

You wouldn’t be trying to steal nothing, would you?

You, because of your physical attributes, you found a niche,

You'd fall apart without me. You're too pathetic for words.

You'll be late for your Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.

You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it.

You're dealing with children...

You're not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic.

You're pretty regular for a Santa.

You're shitting me.

You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me.

You're welcome.

You’re an asshole, you know that?

You’re gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.

Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.

34C.

35%.

42%.

45%.

49%. Half.

A butler or security guard or something? Nuh unh.

A new bike. A new bike. Wow. That's a new one. Excellent.

Another round Grand Dad, Santa? Yeah.

But can I have... Get! Happy Kwanzaa.

But my grandmother gave... Take it off.

But never around children. Oh.

But now I changed my mind. Yeah, what?

Buy you one? Why not?

Can I help you, ma’am? Just looking.

Can't I at least take this hat off? No!

Clean... Oh.

Come here. Unh unh. Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass.

Come on. What do you want? Um, Barbie.

Don't fuck with my beard. It's not real.

Elf fucker! Motherfucker! Turn around, elf fucker.

Excuse me? Willie.

Fuck you. Negotiating?

Gin? Yeah.

God damn it! Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.

God damn it! Shit! You're home.

Good night, Gin. Good night.

Good night. Okay! Happy holiday!

Good night. Merry Christmas. Good night.

Guess where he is. Give it to me.

He curses. Yeah?

He made it all better? No, he kicked my ass. You know why?

Hello, little boy. Hello. Santa...

Hey, hey, hey. I’m fucking leave here.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid? Yeah?

How can they drop me onto my own head? No, not onto your...Would...

How much? Half.

How's it going? I'm finished when I'm finished.

I am doing this for all of us. Leave Santa alone!

I can get another midget, too. Yeah, where?

I can't reach it. Jesus Christ, give me that.

I know you? Not yet.

I meant 33%... I meant half.

I pissed my pants. Oh, shut up.

I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey.... That's the Seven Dwarfs.

I was gonna pay for it. Wrong answer.

I'm no censor. Little friend?

I’m not your fucking dada. Uh huh.

Is he dead? No.

Is that it? Yeah, that's the last one.

Is that what you're saying? I'm sorry. Your gear? Willie.

Is that your underwear? Part of it.

Is your name Thurman? Yeah.

It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt. So?

Leave Santa alone! Little boy, don't interfere.

Like the suburbs. Which one?

Management's gonna hear about this. You think that's a threat?

Marcus, you get the loofah? Drive.

Merry Christmas, Willie. Up your ass.

Merry Christmas. Good night.

Next to the shop. How do they sleep?

No criminal record. No parking tickets for Christ’s sake. Yeah.

No way! You don't know who you're fucking with. Back off, Will.

No. Nothing. I mean shit. Yeah.

Nothing. No bad habits, either.

Of course it was by mistake. Ow!

Oh, no. We're fine. Performance?

Oh. Another? Yeah. Why not?

Okay. Do you want anything else? No.

Okay. Which house is it? That one.

Please just tap me. Let me fix some sandwiches.

Pricks fix? He's a fucking moron.

Remember Andy Pitz? Andy Pitzorella? Yeah.

Right here? Yeah. That one.

Roger! God!

Santa! Yeah.

Should I fix you some sandwiches? I don't want any fucking sandwiches.

Should I fix you some sandwiches? Unh unh.

so I have to wear this fucking thing. How did you get sick?

So, what do you want, little girl? A drum set.

So, you'll call me, right? Yeah. I'll call you.

Then how do they sleep? Oh, shit. Sage Terrace.

Think somebody's onto us? Is there anything in the room? Anything professional?

This MP3? Yeah.

Thurman Merman? Yeah.

Till next year. Yeah? What about Mommy?

Um, Santa? Yeah, I'm Santa.

Warm milk? No.

Wedgie. Yeah.

Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then? Grandma.

What are you doing man, Solo? I’d get back to you..

What do you mean ”Get him out of here? Take him to the car.

What do you want? Fraggle Stick car.

What guy? You get a look at him? No. But I think he's a cop, though.

What noise? From the shop.

What the fuck are you talking about? This car.

What the fuck is it? It's a wooden pickle.

What the fuck is that? Fraggle Stick car.

What the fuck? I am not gay.

What the hell happened to you?! I cut my hand by mistake! Ow!

What the hell, buddy? Buddy? I said I am not gay.

What you want to be when you grow up? I don't know.

Where did you come from? Shit, that fucking kid.

Who are you? Your name Roger Merman?

Who? The elves.

Who? The reindeer? Standing up. But the noise. How do they sleep?

With Jesus and his family there or what? No. The one beside that.

WOMAN: Keep going. Jesus!

Yeah, I'm back. The guy's Roger Merman.

Yeah, right. But when…

Yeah, what do you need? I need you to run a plate for me.

Yeah? So I thought I'd give you your present now.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Fucks large women.

Yeah. Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate.

Yes. But... You doing three to six for embezzlement?

You can't do shit about that, Jack. No.

You scared the holy shit out of me. Think I did good?

You want cookies? No.

You want milk and cookies? No.

You're as queer as a $10 bill. Oh really? Let me tell you something.

You're bringing my present early? No.

You’re in? Yeah, I’m in. I’m trying to find out where the hell I’m going.

... by me.

'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.

'Cause last year and the year before that, you didn't bring me any presents.

'Cause my dad was *******, and we didn't have Christmas.

'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?

‘caused you sounded like my aunt Tilly right before she smeared her own shit on her bedroom walls.