I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) Edit

A cow bit me!

A quarter of a million dollars?

Actually, he's upstairs.

Actually, I got these as a gag gift...

Actually, the boiling point of water is 212 degrees Fahrenheit...

Actually, why don't you tune that to 87.1?

Ah. Ooh!

All boys are pathetic.

All my memories from high school are from tonight.

All right, keep in touch.

All right, thank you very much.

All right, yes, fine, all right.

All right.

All right. That's awesome.

Also the same line was used by Emperor Zurg...

An asshole?

And dreams may cloud the truth

And exciting and fun.

And frozen peas.

And get yourself tested for gonorrhea.

And goddamn it, you're invited, officially.

And I can explain the kitchen later.

And I know exactly how many bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

And I'm not rescuing you. Kevin is heavily medicated right now.

And it was completely itemized, very detailed.

And it's usually because they want something.

And learn.

And let us, no, let all of us vow:

And now it's over.

And remember, once your opponent loses consciousness...

And she'll be so very pregnant by then, baking someone else's DNA.

And she'll have this, like, big, pregnant cow grin on her face.

And so I say here today...

And so let us all say the things that we longed to say...

And sorry for all the wars and stuff.

And then they expect you to buy your own shoes.

And this, my friend, is a rare occasion.

And when he smiled... He was really hot.

And you don't have to.

And, yes, let us not regret...

And, yes, this is a polycarbonate blade.

And...

Angelica.

Anything cold.

Anyway, to the world's greatest night.

Are we the first ones here?

Are you calling me fat?

Are you drunk? What?

Are you just gonna keep bleeding? Yeah, for about 3 days.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm great.

Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fi...

Are you prepared to die?

Are you ready? Ready for the best

Are you sure? I can handle these three.

Army, dark ops, couldn't stand the idea of the Coove here and Beth...

Asshole.

At which point did you think that was a good decision?

Aw, how sweet. Kevin brought back my car.

Aw.

B G, number one Oh, yeah, nothing less

Baby. Not nice.

Because he is going to kill me.

Because I'm a very smart guy.

Because of you I am in the middle of nowhere looking for a shirt.

Because the Beth Cooper I know?

Because you called her a stuck up bitch...

Because, you know, a lot of professional actors aren't gay.

Been reading a few of my mom's ladies magazines...

Behind her. She never saw you, dude.

Behind her. Shh.

Beth Cooper? Yeah, ex boyfriend actually.

Beth Cooper's parents. Taking in a Kiss show.

Beth, I'm sorry, can I get your cell phone number?

Beth.

Bitch.

Bogart, dude! Shh.

Bogart.

But at least we know you're not gay.

But can I get a hug? I mean, hugs are good.

But he was right.

But I thought you said this wasn't fun.

But it was so sweet, I'll have to let you live.

But now I say it, with no regrets.

But this?

But today, I would also like to look back...

But...

Bye, cow!

Bye, Mom! Bye, honey.

Call me when you're sober!

Can I say something personal?

Can you feel it? What? Can you feel the heat?

Can't find a flag

Car!

Carpe diem.

Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Cause brain damage.

Champagne. Bubbly goodness. Uh...

Check out the new kicks. Oh, cool.

Chips, chips, chips.

Classic.

Clear out!

Closure. If you didn't give that speech...

Cocaine, speed, roid rage, and he can't have another incident.

Come here, please.

Come on in.

Come on up. Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, Denis. This is the least illegal thing we've done all night.

Come on, girls Yell yellow!

Come on, hurry up! I'm trying, stop moving!

Come on, it's Casablanca, 1942...

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on!

Come on! Get your stuff! Go!

Come on.

Come on. Are you okay?

Come on. It's graduation night.

Congratulations, you found me.

Cooked up a little commencement mix that I think all of you will enjoy.

Cool, or not, whatever.

Cool.

Cooverman, Bison pride.

Could be worse. Could not be your mom.

Could I borrow your cell phone? I left mine back at the house.

Course that's redundant...

Crack him like a walnut.

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business, 1983, Paul Brickman.

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business, 1983, Paul Brickman.

Dad beats him.

David.

Day oh. Hey.

Denis Cooverman.

Denis Cooverman. Are you afraid of cows?

Denis Petey Cooverman, look at you.

Denis, let me talk to you.

Denis, there's another Beth Cooper out there.

Denis!

Denis! What happened to you?

Denis?

Denis?

Denis.

Denny, what happened to your poor face?

Denny, your face.

Denny!

Did you hurt your back?

Died when I was 2. He was 12.

DJ C's slamming graduation. What!

Do all those teen things you haven't had a chance to do.

Do not laugh.

Do you know how many laws you just broke?

Do you remember the specifics of his last incident?

Do you, like, know exactly how many there are?

Don't be afraid, I can handle this.

Don't be shy.

Don't be so nervous. She's not gonna come.

Don't be such a pussy, pussy. Come on.

Don't move.

Don't worry...

Don't you dare GPS me. Oh, please.

Don't.

Donde esta la beer, Coovemaster?

Dr. McCoy.

Drinks by the pool!

Drive safe.

Dude, after graduation, she'll be gone until like the tenth reunion...

Dude, don't backpedal, you know. Onwards!

Dude, what are you doing?

Dude, you know what I got for graduation?

Dude, you look ridiculous.

Dude. Ha, ha, ha.

Dude. I'm not gay for you.

Ever.

Everybody out.

Everything's organic. The pretzels are fat free.

Ew. Don't say hi to her. Ew.

Except he didn't say F, he said Fuck.

Explain this to me:

Fair fight? Look at his arms, they're like redwoods.

Fear. Mm.

Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!

Food for thought. Thank you.

For future reference, I'll remember that.

Forget me, you're on your way

Forget the good times too

Forget the good times too

Forget the pain inside

Forget the pain inside

Forget the tears we've cried

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Get in here. No, purple's not really my color.

Get out here!

Get out of here.

Get out there!

Get out there!

Get up!

Get up! Come on.

Girl, water makes you do things.

Give me my poncho.

Give me my poncho. Oh, my God.

Go to her house, bring a boom box, wait for her.

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go.

Go!

Go!

Gobs?

God only knows.

God, it's so funny!

Good luck! It was nice seeing you!

Got it? Yep, good.

Got it? Yep, I got it.

Gotta tell you, you're in for a treat.

Grab her and take her someplace where it can be just the two of you.

Great, you just killed everybody in the car.

Greg Saloga beat you up, I bet.

Guess I did think it would be a little funny.

Guess it was the way other girls looked at me when I was with him.

Guys! Rich!

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Classic.

Ha, ha, ha. That pink poncho's sort of cute.

Ha, ha. Oh, yeah, okay. I, uh...

Harpers.

Haven't I seen that car before?

He is not wearing those ratty things, and he's not getting lucky.

He knows a lot about you. Quiz him.

He knows your blood type.

He knows your locker combo. He knows your favorite anti perspirant.

He looked at me!

He looked right at me! He's gonna eat me!

He pooped his shoes.

He triangulated your cell phone.

He was already sick when I was born.

He'll get court martialed for sure.

He's coked up?

He's in the hospital, all beaten up and shit.

He's kind of cute.

He's on our shit list.

Head cheerleader is a position of trust and responsibility.

Headbutt? Definitely.

Heh, heh, heh.

Heh, heh, l... I was just being cool.

Heh, heh. Fools. Ha, ha, ha.

Heh, heh. Yeah, you do. Uh...

Heh.

Hello, hi, hey. Hi.

Hello, it was a threesome.

Hello.

Help! Help!

Her nose was a graduation present.

Her, yes. Your secret shame.

Here you go.

Here, come here.

Here's all of our numbers....

Here's Johnny!

Hey, Beth.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Hey, come on, you, fat? Why would he say that? He's not retarded.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, how about this? How about:

Hey, Mom, Dad, it...

Hey, no. No, that's not food. Hi, cutie!

Hey, okay. Ew. Okay.

Hey, space boy. Come get wet.

Hey, there is my chest hair.

Hey, this is, wow, great, you know, really top notch...

Hey, what about Rich?

Hey, what is that? It's nice. Is it salmon colored?

Hey! Aunt Brenda gave us that!

Hey! Come back here!

Hey.

Hey. Mom, Dad.

Hey. So I'm not gay, dude.

Hi, Mrs. C. Hi, Mrs. C!

Hi!

Hi! Oh, you're so cute! Hi, little fella.

Hi. Hey.

Hm.

Hola, Mrs. C.

Honey, have fun. Okay.

Honey. Honey, you're vibrating. You bet I am.

How about I kiss you so hard, every time you think about it...

How are you? Really good.

How did that get on there? I don't... I didn't even put...

How did you find us?! LoJack, dipshit.

How did you know?

How did you?

How do I look? Good? Great.

How do you know that?

How do you put a microwave into the wall?

How does that feel?

I am not worthless, okay?

I am not your plaything!

I am so hot.

I am that cool.

I apologize and surrender unconditionally.

I can go there anytime I want as long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

I can go there anytime I want as long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

I can't talk about this. I'm gonna go make pancakes.

I couldn't have done it. I mean, before drinking the beer.

I didn't expect to see you here.

I didn't know you were such a movie buff, Mr. C.

I didn't realize there was a line here.

I do, please. I want one.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe go to old Harpers Community College.

I don't know... Everybody thinks you're gay, Rich.

I don't recognize the number. Do you?

I don't remember him at all.

I don't think that's a record.

I don't think we were invited. Uh, I'm pretty sure we were.

I don't wanna ruin anything. There's nothing left to ruin!

I don't want a stinky shirt.

I felt proud.

I gotta go along with your mom...

I guess I just wanted to talk to you.

I had a great, great ride.

I have a key to the school.

I have an eating disorder, and I need help.

I have loved you, Beth Cooper...

I have to get my purse. I'll meet you out front.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I have to pee.

I hope you had fun. I did.

I just black out.

I just don't think we should be...

I just made excuses for him because...

I just meant my thinking had been compromised.

I just, yeah, I mean, what, do you think they're lubed? Or...

I know high school wasn't great for you.

I know what you're thinking.

I love this song. Who wouldn't want to blow up their school?

I love you, Beth Cooper.

I love you, Beth Cooper.

I loved you from behind...

I loved you when I sat behind you in Senor Weidner's Spanish...

I loved your speech. You said some very perceptive things.

I mean, I had to do something.

I mean, like, together, like we're like the gaynamic duo or something.

I mean, maybe you don't remember...

I mean, we all thought it would be a fun thing to do.

I mean, we've still got wine to drink. 23 bottles.

I mean, you come, you come. If you don't, you don't.

I mean, you think this is bad, you should see the other guy.

I mean, you're different than I imagined.

I need beer.

I need ice!

I promise I'll never forget you

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

I saw a documentary about it once on public television.

I talked to your dad, Rich. Yeah?

I think I did.

I think I've made a terrible decision.

I think my dad wants us to have sex.

I think those are his lucky underpants.

I think you mean persuade, not convince.

I think you should pull over.

I told you that speech was a good idea.

I took some workshops at the Star Wars convention.

I want some of that.

I was bad before?

I was gonna...

I was in Driver's Ed with her.

I was smart.

I was with two gorgeous ladies last night.

I wasn't afraid.

I will be there waiting for you

I will. I'm not really gonna wait for the reunion.

I wouldn't take heterosexual advice from Rich Munsch.

I... l... I'd love to. I just, um...

I'd do 2 seconds.

I'd have that looked at, Greg.

I'll get this off here.

I'll leave a message on Facebook, ask her out.

I'm a big old asshole who beats up on other kids...

I'm a big, dumb moron.

I'm a maniac for the brewdog.

I'm a stuck up bitch...

I'm airing out my shirt.

I'm busy right now, Kevin.

I'm gay, dude.

I'm going back. Thank you.

I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to convince me why I should let you live.

I'm gonna go find a bathroom.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I'm gonna need you to pull over.

I'm just thinking aloud here.

I'm just trying to make it through the night alive, okay?

I'm not gay.

I'm not gonna molest you. Take it off.

I'm not nervous, I'm particular. There's a difference.

I'm not there in her brain. She will have no memory of me.

I'm not.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm paralyzed. I'm a paralyzed virgin.

I'm Robin Hood. You're Friar Tuck.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.

I'm sorry.

I'm totally gay.

I'm, like, the least notable person in this car.

I've been preparing for this all my life.

I've got gobs.

I've never been in this house before.

I've never known you to do anything so reckless...

If anybody's dead or on fire, call 911 first.

If she gives you shit, go for her throat.

If we're both still single, I'll marry you.

If you didn't think it was sweet, why would you come to my house?

If you need to reach me, you can reach me at...

If you wanna be an actress, why weren't you in Drama Club?

If you're not gay, why so unchubby in the shower?

In fact, they never come along.

Incoming!

Indeed. Let us all...

Indians.

Interesting situation we have here.

Is he always like this?

Is it like 800 degrees in there, like boiling?

Is that your tooth?

Is there a problem here?

It didn't bother you that he was an a...?

It isn't gay. It's not gay.

It was a long time ago, but thanks.

It was an accident.

It was deciduous.

It was uncool of you to notice.

It's a moo, okay? Push it.

It's always the gym teachers.

It's Angelica. Whatever.

It's cool.

It's fuchsia and it's my favorite color. Sorry.

It's Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969, directed by Dennis Hopper.

It's John Wayne. It's John Wayne, 1969, True Grit.

It's just...

It's okay just to have fun sometimes.

It's okay just to have fun sometimes.

It's okay. Oh.

It's okay. Sorry.

It's romantic.

It's so big and pretty.

It's the big, dramatic tragedy of my life, and I wasn't even there.

It's the trinity.

It's within the 3 second rule.

Just so you know, making out with a girl like that...

Kevin, just stop.

Kevin, stop!

Kevin's probably tracking it.

Kind of.

La fiesta esthis way, mi bonitas.

Le Coove! Here. Thank you.

Leave it.

Leave my friend alone!

Let me just air it out a little.

Let me tell you something:

Let us be unafraid to admit:

Let us confess:

Let us declare:

Let's get him.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's not tell your mother that.

Let's tip one.

Like what? You know where she lives.

Like you know Shakespeare.

Lisbee! Lisbee, open this door!

Lisbee! Stop the car.

Listen, about what Cammy said before.

Long as everyone else is cool.

Look at this party. Look at all my friends.

Look forward to getting out of here.

Look, I don't know why I did th... Who was that?

Look, Kevin, you've won, okay?

Look, Rich told me if... Rich Munsch?

Look! Your shirt.

Look.

Lose the shoes. I paid for these shoes.

Lucky dog.

Makin' all that noise

Man of war!

Maybe a trained professional would be better.

Maybe I could call you sometime? We could talk about it?

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

Maybe we should get you some Band Aids or cream or something.

Maybe.

Maybe. If I can afford it.

Me too.

Me too.

Me too. Really?

Me?

Me? It was your idea.

Mean, mean!

Mighty Bisons Oh, yeah, let's fight

Mm hm.

Mm. Cristal seems to have changed its logo and spelling.

Mom. God.

More or less.

More than half.

Move out!

Mr. Cooverman, hi. Hey! Hello.

Multiple things.

Must be a telemarketer.

My brother's retarded.

My dad doesn't drink beer.

My dad just bought all this stuff. He's never killed anything.

My dad used to give me an occasional beer...

My dad was gonna give me his old car...

My eyes?

My female fiancee's getting off her shift at Hooters, so...

My hand, it just slipped.

My lady.

My mom and dad.

My mom and dad.

My mom says yum.

My parents were headbangers.

My point is... I had one.

Neither did you. I tried.

Never admit your innermost fears to Cammy.

Never again.

Never been with one.

Next, and finally, your valedictorian...

No 18 year old boy is that cool.

No biting, scratching, hair pulling. None of that sissy stuff, okay?

No blood.

No other girl would ever live up to her mythic proportions.

No regrets for what we wanted to do...

No, a party. More of a party than a French thing. Music, drinks, prizes.

No, come on. Stick around. Okay, no, you can't go.

No, cows can't bite.

No, Denis, if you... If you don't do this... If you don't do this...

No, Denis! Have you ever seen any of the Friday The 13ths?

No, he, uh... He died.

No, honey, honey, it could be Denis.

No, I don't.

No, I mean, it's cool if you are, too, really.

No, I will not tell you where I am or who I'm with...

No, I'm not gonna fight him.

No, it has to be a grand gesture.

No, it is, because you...

No, it was...

No, it's good, I'm happy that you're... You guys got the joke! Good one.

No, it's not like that with you.

No, it's not stalking if you love the person.

No, it's not... It's not that funny.

No, ma'am.

No, no, come on! Come on, people! Are you just gonna let him murder me?

No, no, no, cows don't bite.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, not everything. There are some things I don't know.

No, no, that's okay. I gotta go.

No, she wouldn't.

No, that was no standard cow.

No, that's really nice. That's great.

No, the Coove had a little dust up with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

No, they can't. I can smell it.

No, those are my dad's.

No, wait, wait, wait.

No. Not... No.

No. Wow.

Nobody cares if you're gay.

Nobody cares, so just be gay already!

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

Not a topic for discussion. Ever.

Not good, not good. Oh!

Not like that, that's...

Not much danger of that, Mrs. C.

Not now, Lisbee.

Not on my watch.

Not too much fun.

Not what I said, presumably?

Nothing in particular, I guess.

Nothing, really.

Nothing.

Now get off the counter. Oh.

Now it's dripping down my throat. Here.

Now you gotta take it to the next level.

Now, Denis, where were we?

Now, that's kidnapping.

Now, this is willful damage to property!

Now... 2.

NYU.

Of course.

Oh, Greg.

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Patty Keck?

Oh, he's my little brother.

Oh, hi. I need to get my kitchen repaired.

Oh, man. That is so... cool.

Oh, Mr. Cooverman.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I peed, I peed, I peed!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Get him in the car.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, I can leave it on, it's fine.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm... I'm...

Oh, not too many. None.

Oh, nothing. Yeah.

Oh, secret shame.

Oh, shit, Kevin.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's great, congratulations!

Oh, uh, um...

Oh, uh... Heh, heh.

Oh, well, congradulations.

Oh, wine reminds me of Jesus.

Oh, yeah, no, goddamn that Kevin.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're not wearing those awful underpants.

Oh!

Oh! I... Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho. That is negligent.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, a toast.

Okay, go, go.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, here. Something cold.

Okay, I got an idea.

Okay, I hate to remind you this, Beth, but you said it was sweet.

Okay, it was somewhere around here. You can stop.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, look. This is your last summer before college.

Okay, push.

Okay, that's Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride, Rob Reiner, 1987.

Okay, that's really nice. Okay. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Okay, time to get in the car! Get in the car.

Okay, we gotta go, come on. Get your stuff!

Okay, who wants a drink?

Okay, yeah, sure, no, I'll try.

Okay, yeah, sure, no, I'll try.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. And tomorrow.

Okay. No, it's okay. I won't.

Okay. Pretty simple.

Okay. You know, just until it's safe.

Okay. You know, on the bright side, Beth Cooper talked to you.

Once she gets to the underpants, they're a deal breaker.

One of his army buddies was getting all date ****y with Treece.

Only 3.

Ooh. That can't be good.

Or did she already make you breakfast?

Over here, over here. Are you okay?

Party balloons.

Party.

Patty.

Pedophilia.

Perfect.

Pfft. Heh.

Please, take those out now. Your wish.

Por favor, sweet and salty comidas for your comesting.

Prepare to die.

Pretty good, I guess.

Purell me.

Quadriplegics can have sex.

Queen Gertrude to Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2...

Ready and last time

Ready and slow it down.

Ready, girls? Yes.

Really? Dude.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just like every Bond movie. Oh, okay.

Really? Okay.

Rich, did you put this on?

Rich, don't call me Mrs. C, I mean it.

Rich, hi.

Rich, I got your clothes. Hurry up.

Rich, I got your clothes. Hurry up.

Rich, I need your help. Come out of the closet!

Rich, it's just that all through high school and even before...

Rich!

Rich!

Rich! Rich! Rich!

Richard, do you know Victoria?

Right, look at the time here.

Right.

Right. Her.

Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

Robin Williams, and your dad.

Sam.

Saving my life? Saving my...?

Say hello to my little friend!

Scarface. Pacino, '82, De Palma.

School's been blown to pieces

School's out for summer

School's out! We did it! We did it! Party!

Sean, Dustin, come on!

Sean, you naughty boy.

See you at the reunion. Yes.

See, I don't get that...

Seriously?

She always drives like this.

She doesn't mean that.

She is pretty worn and torn, you know.

She should really be here by now.

She thought it would be funny.

She won't even remember who you are.

She would never hook up with some loser for a 12 pack.

She'll be protecting her nose.

She's gonna have an amazing life.

She's not a scary wack job. She's not a wack job.

Shh. Could you just: Shh.

Shit my panties.

Shit, my phone!

Showers! Showers! Yay!

Shut up. Shut up! Mm hm. Yeah.

Sit. You'll enjoy it.

Slightly insane...

Smells like death in here.

So do you still love me?

So guess what? Hm?

So that was weird what you did in there, to him.

So we meet again.

So where's our boy in uniform?

So who is your favorite director?

So why did you do it? The speech?

So your parents use condoms?

So, Beth, uh...

So, how many people are you expecting at this shin dizzle?

So, is this what you had planned for tonight?

So, look, I'm not gay, you know, so... Yeah.

So, uh, I think I was knocked out back there momentarily...

So, what are you doing after graduation?

So, what are your plans?

So, what kind of beer do you like?

So, where's the party?

So?

So? Come on, Dr. Gleason, haven't you ever been in love?

So...

Social survival. That's a good call.

Some woman.

Someday I'll have to wonder

Something is really wrong with you.

Sometimes you just have to say, What the F.

Sorry I asked.

Sorry, I was unaware I was emitting that.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Denis.

Sorry. No.

Sounds fun. It is fun, will be, in the future.

Stampede!

Stay here.

Stick these up there. They're super absorbent.

Stop it! Stop!

Stop! Stop thinking with your brain, dude.

Stupid drivers.

Sucked his face?

Super cute.

Sure, yeah.

Sure.

Sure.

Suzy Q's, yum.

Take it off, take it off.

Taste my wet blade.

Thank God, Coach Raupp.

Thank you for that rousing rendition of Forget Me.

Thank you very much. I'll just...

Thank you, Angelica.

Thank you, Denis.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Beth, for saving my life again?

Thank you. That was very sweet.

Thank you...

Thanks, Denis. Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Thanks.

That accelerated medical program...

That all you got, son, huh?

That invitation good enough for you?

That is not one of the good drugs.

That used to be a person, so you show some respect!

That was a big sacrifice.

That was pretty cool.

That wasn't me. I was under an influence.

That would be unimaginable. You can't...

That's a legal term!

That's a lot more heterosexual than you.

That's awesome. IPod. It's silly.

That's fine. Okay.

That's for food dropped on the floor.

That's gonna be hard. He hasn't done any of them.

That's it. I'm done.

That's my shirt. Okay, so just, uh...

That's nice, it's nice. Yeah.

That's okay.

That's stalking, Rich.

That's such...

That's... That was... That's cold.

That's... Wow.

The Beth Cooper I know...

The Beth Cooper over your bed?

The internal pressure is 90 pounds per square inch...

The internal pressure is 90 pounds per square inch...

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The most he's gonna do is beat you up a little.

The one that I now know...

The pimps? Mm hm.

The windows! Secure the windows!

There are certain things that appear larger...

There are condoms in my bedside table.

There we go. All better.

There you go.

There's a little soiree at my house tonight.

There's this picture of me visiting him at the hospital...

They are kind of cute, huh? Rawr.

They are not nice underpants.

They are not toys.

They came up with it in the 50's, so...

They go, with you in them or not.

They got a lot of good credit courses.

They got this, like, pre med med school thing at Stanford and...

They're hitting the showers. Yeah.

They're like cyborgs.

This does not happen!

This is about it for me.

This is Cristal. It's the drink of the pimps.

This is new behavior, but not surprising.

This is so great.

This is the one. Go. Shut up.

This is Valli Wooley's house. We can't go in here.

This was a great party, though.

This was fun.

This? No, it's not one of yours.

Those aren't party balloons. I know what they are.

Thought I was the lucky girl this big, strong Army guy chose.

Till then it doesn't matter that much

To old D.H. Lawrence.

To tell you the truth, I just hope he's okay.

To the future! Whoo!

Today we look forward.

Treece, darling...

Treece's got some, don't you, Treece?

Turn the headlights on now! Please, please, please!

Uh, my grandma used to call them a real dog's breakfast.

Uh, no. That is not what I would expect...

Uh, sounded like a cow.

Uh, you're not getting in my car with those shoes on.

Uh...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Unbelievable.

Vaccaphobic? Course not.

Vodka! Hee, hee.

Wait, Rich.

Wait!

Warning, roof may be blown off due to excessive partying.

Watch your step.

Watch...

We all know that they lack upper incisors.

We can discuss it inside. Okay.

We can go to my dad's cabin.

We don't have to stay in touch

We get your dad's camcorder and we do a shot for shot re creation...

We got beer. Whoo!

We have champagne.

We may remember someday

We should do this again sometime.

We thought it would be funny.

We're going to the top We can't be stopped

We're gonna need more waffles.

We're gonna watch the road.

Weird. Rich?

Welcome.

Well, go ahead, princess.

Well, hey, I did kiss Beth Cooper.

Well, I mean, is it because of Drama Club?

Well, I sat behind her in almost every class.

Well, I'll tell you one thing you know nothing about.

Well, if anybody's gonna kill me tonight...

Well, in any case, I'm sorry your dad's such a dick.

Well, it looks like this party's well underway.

Well, it was kind of funny, right?

Well, it wouldn't be a celebration without champagne.

Well, maybe we could stop by.

Well, one glass per guest. And no one who drinks, drives.

Well, thank you all for a lovely evening...

Well, thank you.

Well, thank you.

Well, that was expedient.

Well, that's an optical illusion.

Well, that's good. Because I like to live.

Well, that's what you get for splitting your parents up.

Well, then I apologize on behalf of all boys.

Well, they don't know me. You know me.

Well, we can't salute you

Well, we got no choice

Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't...

Wha?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing? You're so mean.

What are you talking about?

What do you know about pimps?

What do you think, super genius?

What do you want, Kevin?

What happened to your pants?

What happened?

What is that smell?

What is this? Give me it. Let go of it. I wanna see.

What kind? All kinds.

What makes you think I'm gay?

What the hell was that?

What the hell? What happened?

What was he like?

What was his name?

What, isn't that like an urban legend?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Come on.

What? It isn't gay. It isn't gay.

What's that sound?

What's the matter? Bad advice?

What's with your boyfriend?

Whatever.

When a girl says the sunrise is big or pretty...

When I get my own car, I am never walking anywhere again.

When I graduate, I'm not gonna keep hanging around my old high school...

When we all die, I'll be referred to as fifth student.

Where are we going?

Where are you going to college?

Where are you going? We gotta get out of here.

Where do you think you're going?

Where? In the middle.

Where's Beth? Wherever.

Who said it's supposed to be fun?

Who said that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Oh.

Whoa. Still kind of are.

Whoa. What's that kind of...? That's like a noise.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Whoo! Let's go!

Whoo! Party!

Why are we walking?

Why are you laughing? This is how you do this.

Why did you do that? I thought you were smart.

Why do you even go out with him, anyway?

Why don't you get that tight, pretty butt of yours in my vehicle, all right?

Why don't you go find out?

Why would you think I was afraid?

Why, because you think I'm gay?

With each other? No.

With spirit and spark We steal the show

Would you get this lovely lady something to wear?

Would you hurry up?

Wow, look at the sun.

Wow, you know, but this has been a pleasure, ladies, so...

Wow, your eyes aren't blue.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Ha, ha. Oh, man! That was great.

Wow. Look, it's almost morning.

Wow. You've lost weight, Patricia.

Yah! Come on, come on, come on!

Yah! Is that all you've got?

Yeah, and directing. Wow.

Yeah, but you were there.

Yeah, definitely reacted to that.

Yeah, I hurt my back.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm liking that. I am, uh...

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just...

Yeah, it's probably my shirt. There's hummus.

Yeah, my dad says I owe him 233,850 bucks.

Yeah, my mom and dad gave it...

Yeah, no, cool.

Yeah, no, no, no, I d...

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, tell that to my dad. What's his number?

Yeah, that was just Rich...

Yeah, that was really... You got me, that was...

Yeah, there's like some green in there and then...

Yeah, try the bedroom.

Yeah, uh, whatever.

Yeah, we are never first.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, you.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Aren't they great?

Yeah. Figured that.

Yeah. For a night, maybe.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. They're nice. Dude.

Yeah. Well, no, that includes 50 grand for wear and tear on my mother.

Yeah. Whoo!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, you too, with everything.

Yell blue!

Yellow.

Yep. And it is coming right...

Yes, certainamente. You, uh, lost weight, Tori.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, Rich. We know. It's good.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

You can take him. No, no.

You certainly don't look 37.

You cool? Uh...

You could slow down.

You did. Oh, my God, and you came to my house.

You do not wanna talk to your dad when he has his pants down.

You do what you need to do, Greg.

You don't give this big speech at graduation, you don't exist.

You don't say anything.

You embarrassed me.

You got headbangers parents. That's awesome.

You got the girl...

You gotta get out more often.

You have a key to the school.

You heard that?

You humiliated me and insulted her.

You just might want to lower the waist of those pants a little bit.

You just put your arm around her.

You know everything, Denis Cooverman.

You know I can't allow you to kill him on school property?

You know one call from me...

You know they call us Dick Munch and the Penis?

You know we have to punish you, somehow?

You know what I mean. Carpe diem.

You know what, Denis, we really do have to go.

You know what, I just, um... I wanna go home.

You know what, they can smell fear.

You know what? This is not fun anymore.

You know what's weird? I didn't give this to him.

You know who you are. You.

You know, except maybe this.

You know, I could be Bi. Bi?

You know, I was named after this song.

You know, just something for future reference.

You know, puberty has done nothing but screw me.

You know, sometimes, I don't even remember doing it.

You know, you're the one who started this.

You know, you're the one who started this.

You look good. You look cool.

You might wanna hang out here for the rest of the day.

You must be Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

You okay? Great, yeah.

You pooped your shoes.

You probably don't even have a brother.

You remember that.

You run upstairs, you die!

You see, the thing is, high school was great for me.

You smell like a dead homeless guy.

You think incorrectly.

You were named after a Kiss song?

You, Richard Munsch, have never been with a woman.

You, you're gonna go off and become a doctor...

You'll be okay.

You'll regret it.

You're better than that.

You're funny.

You're getting better at that.

You're not alive unless you're living.

You're not wearing shoes.

You're real.

You're spitting your blood at me! Pbbt.

You're supposed to keep your bodily fluids to yourself.

You're the geek who, in front of the entire school, our friends and family...

You're the guy.

You're the head cheerleader...

You're the one who almost ran over me with a military vehicle...

You're useful.

You're welcome.

You've earned it.

Your boyfriend has them.

Your dad's not hiding in the closet or something?

Your new hopeless obsession might be at this very party.

Your nipples are so weird.

Your party was better.

Yuck. What?

Yum.

2 paychecks. Very Gene Kelly, circa 1945, don't you think?

5, 6, 7, 8!

5, 6, 7, 8!

6337 Hackberry Drive...

...100 degrees Celsius.

...1602, William Shakespeare, or possibly Edward de Vere.

...always ass kicking...

...and cure cancer or whatever new diseases there are.

...and for the rest of your life.

...and I'm the captain of the debate team.

...and it's like he's just some sick kid.

...and Ms. Calumet Hobey's Literature of the Oppressed.

...and they've got a couple secrets on how to ultimately pleasure you.

...and we're okay.

...assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated battery...

...back there after you hit me with your car.

...because deep down, I believe I am worthless.

...because I definitely wasn't, uh, you know, looking or anything.

...because I was unloved as a baby...

...because there are so many guys who would love to be with you.

...bullshit.

...but could not.

...but did not...

...but I left my latex sheaths back at the house, so...

...but I will tell you this, Kevin, I'm drinking champagne.

...but I'll bet it meant a lot to him.

...but never uninteresting...

...but our tongues would not.

...but that was just to get me to take a nap.

...but then my stepmom bitch Tricia crashed hers.

...but with no regrets.

...completely awful.

...Denis Cooverman.

...fight.

...for loving me.

...from somebody who is going to Stanford.

...I don't know what I'm talking about.

...I just wanna say thanks for rescuing me...

...if you both even live that long.

...in context to the objects around them.

...in front of the whole school?

...is the most alive person I've ever met.

...isn't gonna leave time for parties...

...it should be you, you deserve it.

...it was nice to feel wanted.

...it's a relatively new construct.

...it's a relatively new construct.

...leaving the scene of an accident, speeding, and now failure to stop!

...life.

...like some kind of creepy loser...

...look back on our 4 years here at Buffalo Glenn High School...

...looking back not with anger...

...Michael Curtiz, director.

...on the lucky underpants, buddy. What if you do get lucky?

...on the pupil, there's like a hazel starburst sort of thing going on.

...or was sexually abused or something.

...ordinary.

...owned by some homicidal rage ape you call a boyfriend...

...really at all reckless.

...she's usually upstairs with a guy by now.

...since I first sat behind you in Ms. Rosa's math class in the 7th grade.

...so I don't really know what the problem...

...so I want you to enjoy this summer.

...so it went to blows.

...so it's appropriate that you're laughing.

...that was my last chance, you know?

...that we never told our own best friend:

...that you're hot.

...the beating is over.

...the one thing I wish I had said...

...the pink bellies...

...the purple nurples.

...using our boners. Ha.

...whatever it is, it was worth it.

...who can't get an adult girlfriend.

...who's been trying to kill me all night!

...you don't have to prove anything.

...you know what you say?

...you never really had a girlfriend.

...you'd never know what a scary wack job Beth Cooper was.

...you'll have to change your underwear?

...you've humiliated me in front of all my peers.

...ZIP's 98401, if you're Mapquesting.

'Cause they found new toys