Arthur (1981) Edit

A dumb question.

A girl got on the train. Skinny. She gave me a smile.

A little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.

A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Aah!

Actually, I feel foolish...

Actually, seriously, um...

After only 12 games, I have 80 coupons.

Ah, yes.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Oh!

Ahem. Actually, what I had in mind...

All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.

All right, that's it. I want a cop.

All right? Nobody should be alone.

All right.

Although I wasn't sleeping myself, Arthur. Oh, nice to meet you, Arthur.

Although it won't be easy, because I'll be poor.

Although some do. It's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.

And as you know...

And do you promise never to put that stuff on my face again?

And he has seen me.

And I can't stand her.

And I can't stop thinking about her.

And I do it in an ugly way.

And I hope you'll enjoy this one.

And I protect what's mine.

And I was all alone.

And I will. I'll get married when I fall in love with somebody.

And I'd like to thank you very much. You did a nice thing.

And I'm gonna take care of you.

And I'm much stronger than you are.

And I'm sorry for what I said about Linda.

And it is a job that I recommend highly.

And make sure you give him your address and your phone number.

And send two dozen roses to your wife, the skinny one on the train.

And subsequently, she gave it to me.

And then...

And there never will be.

And we also understand that you are very drunk.

And yet...

And you are a delightful child.

And you're engaged.

And, um...

Another beauty. How does he make a living?

Anyone stood in my way, they got hurt.

Are all the ones he passed up coming?

Are you a hooker?

Are you cute.

Are you cute.

Are you inviting me to Arthur's engagement party?

Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?

Aren't they great?

Aren't waiters wonderful?

Arthur, don't you get it?

Arthur, I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting this young woman.

Arthur, I don't want you to be alone.

Arthur, I love you.

Arthur, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation.

Arthur, I shall never offer you this money again.

Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.

Arthur, I'm frightened.

Arthur, I'm going. Open that door, Rockland.

Arthur, is it wonderful to be...

Arthur, last night, I could've sworn the moon was following me.

Arthur, we really must be going. Thank you for a memorable afternoon.

Arthur, you have your $750 million.

Arthur, you look awful.

Arthur, you look awful.

Arthur, your children will be senators, ambassadors.

Arthur!

Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur. I demand that you take this money.

Arthur. Join us.

Arthur. You are a charming boy.

Arthur...

At your age, Martha, it might just be dangerous.

Aunt Pearl, may I say you're looking younger every day?

Aww....

Aww....

Bad kids don't grow up as nice as you are.

Bartender. We would like two more, please.

Beg your pardon, miss. I'm the security guard in the store.

Bitterman doesn't have to take me. Hi, Bitterman. Heh.

Bitterman, do you wanna double your salary?

Bitterman, give her fr

Blue moon

Burt Johnson? He's a criminal.

But do you like me?

But he's my husband.

But I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.

But if you don't marry Susan, I'll cut you off without a cent.

But if you got sick, or anything...

But let's just say, um, I make her...

But the Communists, they go in the Army.

But when I was little, I thought the moon followed me.

But, oh, there's something about her, Martha.

Can I come in? Don't you hate Perry's wife?

Can't you see I'm going for a new world record? Ha!

Chauffeurs rarely get to laugh. Thank you.

Closet.

Come in.

Come on, legs.

Come on. You used to make me eat.

Come over here. I want you two to meet.

Congratulations to you, Arthur.

Congratulations, Father. You win.

Congratulations. Father sends his regards.

Could I just sit here until one of my neighbors walks by?

Could we have ? Could we have a little quiet here?

Could we just talk for a moment, away from all these people?

Could you children please allow us our privacy? Please?

Dad, he's a millionaire.

Dad...

Damn.

Did you sleep well?

Did you whistle a lot? I mean, I find I whistle.

Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir?

Do you have today's Pravda? I like to keep up with Russia.

Do you know the worst part? The worst part of being me?

Do you know what I consider to be my most precious possession?

Do you know why girls marry so badly?

Do you remember when you used to play hide and seek with me?

Do you remember...?

Do you want anything?

Do you want to run my bath for me?

Does Arthur know you're here?

Doesn't Aunt Pearl look wonderful, darling?

Don't be afraid, Arthur.

Don't drink anymore, Arthur.

Don't screw with me, Burt.

Don't screw with us.

Don't worry about it. I really I have to go. Okay? Bye.

Don't you move, Chester. I don't wanna see you move out of my sight.

Don't you wish you were me?

Eat your roll.

Engine room, where the hell's my drink?

Even comforting now.

Everybody's dancing here.

Everyone who drinks is not a poet.

Everyone's always taken care of me.

Except for fish.

Excuse me.

Figure it out.

Fine. I respect your integrity.

Fine. If that's your decision, Arthur, the family has no choice.

Fine. No problem. What?

Fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another.

For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.

For cranky, I guess you'd probably just break my ankles.

Forget it.

Four dozen, please. And I want...

Get dressed.

Get out of here.

Girls are wonderful.

Girls are wonderful.

Give her a shot. Jesus Chri It's you against her, Perr

Give her friend $100. She came in second.

Gloria, I have arranged breakfast for you on the east patio.

Gloria, I would like you to meet Hobson...

Go back to the house.

God, I missed. Nineteen.

God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?

God, isn't life wonderful, Hobson?

God, that's funny.

God, these people. Thank you.

God, this is gonna be great.

God.

Goddamn it, why are you such a snob?

Good afternoon?

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Good evening.

Good luck in prison.

Good luck, Arthur.

Good morning.

Good. I have to talk to the waiter now.

Goodbye, sir. It was a pleasure working for you.

Goodness. I sound like a dime novel.

Gosh, darling.

Got guns and holsters too. Look.

Grow up, Arthur. You'll make a fine adult.

Ha, ha. I love it.

Ha! Two more, and I'm 20 for 20. That's another 35 coupons. Ha, ha.

Harold hasn't kept up the insurance policy. I don't know where to turn.

Harold lost a fortune gambling. He's sick. He's a sick man.

Harold?

Hat. It's called a hat.

Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Have we met?

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever seen her face...

Have you seen Linda Marolla lately?

He doesn't love your daughter. I'm sorry. It happens.

He don't wanna go in the Army.

He gets all that money.

He knows when you are sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows when you've been Bad or good

He must be nervous. Ha, ha. Arthur gets nervous sometimes, you know.

He treats me like a kid. Pfft!

He's become a responsible citizen. He'll be a good husband.

He's been tired quite a bit lately, Bitterman.

He's taking the knife out of the cheese.

Hello, darling.

Hello, girls!

Hello, Mr. Bach. You really should stay out of this.

Hello.

Hello.

Her name is Linda Marolla.

Her name is Susan.

Here is the address. Perhaps you should attend.

Here, I'll take that.

Here, keep the change.

Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.

Here's a rose. I stole it from the restroom.

Here's to you.

Here's your ring, Arthur.

Hey, lady, where'd you get the car?

Hey. Cochie cochie cochie coo.

Hi.

Hobson, do you know how miserable I am?

Hobson, I raised my voice to you. I've never done that before.

How are you? How's Arthur?

How are you? I got off work early. Listen, do you like lasagna?

How come you got all this money for all these drinks?

How did you know when you fell in love? I mean, how does anybody know?

How does it feel to be getting married, Arthur?

How much is the subway?

How often does a young man get engaged?

How revolting.

However...

I am studying to be an actress.

I beg your pardon?

I came here to beg Arthur to lend us some money.

I can't marry Susan Johnson.

I can't tell you her last name, because that would be indiscreet.

I can't tell you what a lousy wedding that was, Bitterman.

I can't wait any longer.

I could love somebody.

I despise your weakness.

I do.

I do.

I don't care what he demands. Unh.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm dying.

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm a wonderful person.

I don't love you.

I don't love you. I don't love you.

I don't wish to put it on.

I don't wish to put it on.

I fell out of the goddamned car.

I had every intention of winning.

I hate dentists.

I hate how alone you are.

I hate it here.

I hate it here.

I have a brother who moved to New Jersey.

I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Stop kidding around.

I haven't seen much of you lately.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I hope it's not late. Who am I talking to? Oh, it's me, it's me.

I hope you like it. If I don't get a job soon, you may get it back on your birthday.

I hope you're happy.

I insist on you making her happy.

I just have to be alone for a minute.

I just want you to know, if he doesn't show up for this wedding...

I knew it would be different spending an evening with a millionaire.

I knew what I was doing. We were poor.

I know how alone you are.

I know I do.

I know that.

I know this woman. We were shopping together.

I know you're frightened.

I know.

I know. But I'm

I know. But I'm

I know. He loved you very much. Did you know that?

I know. I know.

I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.

I mean, honestly. Ha ha ha.

I mean, I just want someone I know to see me get out of this.

I mean, this is just hypothetical. if I don't make her happy?

I mean, we're all dressed up.

I mean, with that man lying in your kitchen.

I met a nice guy. With my help, he could become a prince.

I need a drink

I never got to love anybody.

I often think, fish must get awfully tired of seafood.

I race cars. I play tennis. I fondle women.

I relish the compliment.

I saved my money. I haven't had a drink in a month.

I see.

I see. Thank you.

I see. You're a little strange, but cute. How are you?

I should imagine your breath.

I take it this bum will be calling you?

I talk to Arthur every day.

I think I know who it is. I saw his picture in the paper.

I think something else would look nice too.

I think we're in trouble.

I thought I'd find you here. He just loves that smelly old horse.

I thought I'd find you here. He just loves that smelly old horse.

I thought it meant that something special was gonna happen to me someday.

I told you, I've only got a cold. Now go and get engaged.

I took a knife...

I took the money. I mean, I'm not crazy.

I understand, Mr. Bach.

I understand.

I want a decision, and I want it now.

I want to be younger.

I want to marry you.

I want you to eat this. You know what this is costing me?

I want you to go to work.

I wanted to tell you the other night, but I

I was gonna put it on my bill.

I was in the neighborhood.

I was kicked out of 10 prep schools. I was a bad kid.

I was looking for Linda. I hope this is the wrong house.

I wasn't talking to you.

I whistled.

I whistled.

I wish you luck in your poverty.

I won't be seeing most of you anymore, because I'm....

I wonder, could you tell me where the wedding party is?

I would give anything to see you in the morning.

I....

I'd rather I

I'll I'll miss you.

I'll alert the media.

I'll always love you, Arthur.

I'll be with you in a minute. He's starting to get on my nerves.

I'll get a job.

I'll have another one. You want another fish?

I'll have Bitterman drive you home. Hobson and I have got some shopping to do.

I'll never be alone. I have you.

I'll put it on.

I'll put it on.

I'll put this over here.

I'll straighten this out.

I'll take three dozen of these shirts. Um, assorted colors.

I'll try to be sober, and I'll try to make you happy.

I'll work.

I'm a little nervous. I'm getting engaged.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to look in the bag. I saw you put something in it.

I'm an actress. I mean, I'm studying to be one. Ha, ha.

I'm Arthur Bach.

I'm getting married soon.

I'm glad to have you here, sir.

I'm glad we had this time together. You're a funny guy.

I'm going to be, uh...

I'm going to sleep.

I'm gonna go to the bus stop now.

I'm gonna have a tuna fish sandwich, Martha.

I'm in love with another woman.

I'm in love...

I'm just in everyone's way.

I'm not gonna marry her. I've told you that a thousand times.

I'm not one of your guests tonight. I came here for one reason only.

I'm serious.

I'm so pleased he finally found the right woman. Where is she?

I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry, but as of this moment, you are cut off.

I'm sorry, Arthur.

I'm still glad I came here. Made a fool out of myself.

I'm sure we know a lot of the same people.

I'm sure you're not gonna want to be a waitress for the rest of your life.

I'm telling you why

I'm through teaching you anything, Arthur.

I'm very pleased.

I'm very sorry to have disturbed you, madam.

I've always been poor, and I've usually been happy.

I've always been rich, and I've never been happy.

I've cried because you're so alone.

I've got a terrible headache. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I've got chefs working at 6 in the morning all over town.

I've got him right where I want him.

I've never taken care of anyone.

I've seen bedrooms.

I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition...

I've waited long enough.

If I begin to die, please take this off my head.

If I feel the urge to dribble, I can always call the nurse.

If I were to tell you, it would spoil the surprise, wouldn't it? Don't open it.

If only we had some Communists here.

If you and your undershirt would walk two paces backwards...

If you don't bring them, I'll have someone else do it.

If you knew Susan like I knew Susan

Is anyone sitting at it?

Is he with us?

Is Susan here?

Is that the funniest thing ever?

Is there something wrong with him?

Is this a joke? Are these Polish girls?

Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?

Isn't she beautiful? Jesus.

Isn't that Arthur Bach?

Isn't that the funniest thing ever?

Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have?

It doesn't suck.

It happens.

It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.

It took me two buses, three cabs and a train...

It was.

It'd have to be a real big woman.

It's It's terribly small. Tiny little country.

It's 85 cents in a cab from one end of the country to the other.

It's a little joke.

It's a magical night.

It's called Woman Admiring Pearls.

It's difficult for her that night. Isn't that the night you usually attend...

It's enough to make you sick.

It's gonna cost you $100.

It's not so bad.

It's very hard.

It's what I live for.

Jesus, I forgot. I just thought I was doing great with you.

Jesus.

Johnson.

Just in town for supplies, partner.

Keep smiling. 688 5549. Don't expect big things on the first date.

Later on, we'll get ice cream.

Let me be unhappy, will you?

Let's make it $200. But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.

Linda Marolla, this is Susan Johnson, my fiancée.

Linda Marolla?

Linda, I have to marry Susan. If I don't, my family will cut me off.

Linda, I've missed

Linda, listen, the truth is...

Linda, uh...

Linda, you're here.

Linda?

Linda?

Linda?

Linda?

Linda?

Listen, Arthur.

Listen, don't worry. I talked to the warden.

Listen, Marty...

Listen, old man...

Listen, take the rest of the week off. You're obviously under a lot of tension.

Listen, um, for lunch, um...

Listen.

Look at him with his gun.

Look how nobody ever smiles here.

Look, as long as we're here...

Look, I have to make dinner.

Look, it's over.

Look, no sweat.

Look, the money. Arthur, can you live without the money?

Look, this is ridiculous, Arthur.

Look, when Susan and I get married...

Lower your voice, Arthur, and sit up.

Madame, I am sorry, but we have absolutely

Make no mistakes.

Marry Susan and cheat with the nobody from Queens.

Marry Susan, Arthur.

Martha?

May I ask what have we to do with this?

May I kiss you on the cheek?

May I look at the tie?

Mind your own business!

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. God knows when I'll see you again.

Most of you know me. Can you blame her? Heh.

Most people are poor.

Mr. Bach, be sure you call me anytime you need the track.

Mr. Bach, you look terrible. You haven't slept in a week.

Mr. Bach, you understand it's my job.

Mr. Bach, your father will see you now.

Mr. Jo

Mrs. Nesbitt deserves the entire treatment.

Must've been something, growing up with all this.

My doctor has advised me that I must drink 10 of these an hour.

My father ****d me when I was 12.

My father wants me to marry her, but I'm not going to.

My God, Arthur, you're really hurt.

My husband, Harold, went to prep school with Arthur.

My mother died when I was 6.

My name is Linda.

Nah. Listen...

No thanks, Bitterman.

No, actually Actually, you're both very attractive.

No, Arthur is far too fine a person to be involved...

No, I know it's silly, but I was only 8 years old.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Honest to God. I'm a dentist.

No, Linda.

No, no, no.

No, thank you.

No, you weren't.

No.

No.

No.

No. No, thanks. We'll get through this together.

No. No.

No. That's another little joke.

No. The reason is, there are so many girls...

Nobody knocks on a door at 3:00 in the morning.

Noisy.

Not in front of all these people, dear. They might think you're an animal.

Nothing.

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, incidentally, I love you.

Now tell your story walking before I call a cop.

Now, I have to tell Susan. Come with me?

Now, is this the slut that you've disgraced my daughter for?

Now, stand up, son. I wanna kill you with my bare hands.

Now, that's funny.

Now, your father and I talked about it. I want you...

Of course you hate it. People work here.

Of course, you can't depend on that light.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course.

Oh, God, Hobson, please. Don't die anymore. It's getting very boring.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I can't bear it.

Oh, hello, Mr. Johnson.

Oh, here comes Mrs. Nesbitt. This should kill her.

Oh, hi, Linda. I think you know everyone. This is Susan's father.

Oh, Hobson, I'm not gonna face my father sober.

Oh, I know you have it, but is anyone sitting at it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sure he's fine, sir.

Oh, if only someone I knew felt that way.

Oh, look who's up.

Oh, my God, my....

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. You don't have to do that.

Oh, of course. I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, Preston. Really. I mean, if you don't remember when we met....

Oh, stay with me a minute, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.

Oh, sure, you bring her a bottle. Me, you bring a glass.

Oh, sure. Heh, heh.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm Arthur Bach.

Oh, thank you very much. You've got a lovely....

Oh, thank you. And to you too.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, we all are, Arthur.

Oh, what about your aspirins?

Oh, with a tumor in my head?

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, yeah? What time do you get off work?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh. God.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

Oh. I was away at boarding school most of the time.

Okay, let's open the presents.

Okay, now, this has some iodine on it, so it might hurt a little.

Okay.

Okay. Why are you a hooker?

One foot Pardon me.

One for you, one for me. Put it on.

One never knows.

One night at the hospital, he fell asleep. I was watching him.

One of my kids, my youngest, my baby, needs an operation.

One of the horses just fainted.

One of the horses just fainted.

Ooh.

Or do you need to throw up?

Out! All of you, out!

Ow, that hurts. I hate it. Stop it.

Ow!

Pancho. Pancho. This is Linda. I told you about her. Do you remember?

Pardon me.

Pays his family back by being a stinking drunk.

Peanuts!

Perhaps even a president.

Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you...

Permit me to introduce myself.

Perry, for God's sake, she's gonna kill you. Get in there, Perry.

Perry, you're a dead man.

Phone my father and Mr. Johnson and Miss Susan.

Please get my drink. After all, we're going to the bar.

Please go to the party.

Please marry me.

Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur.

Poor drunks have very few teeth. They urinate outdoors.

Really.

Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war.

Right over there, in that room.

Right.

Right.

Right. Get over here. She's terrible. Does she always hit you like that?

Right. Hurry up.

Right. Now, a table for one, sir.

Rubbish. I've always been rich, and I've always been happy.

Same principle as Santa Claus.

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Say goodbye to her, Arthur.

Scotch for me, Preston.

Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?

She does have a certain Eleanor Roosevelt quality.

She is my gold.

She lives at 14133, Apartment A, next door.

She lives in Queens. She's nobody.

She looks great.

She stole that tie. It's a perfect crime. Girls don't wear ties.

She wants you to give it to Susan.

She won't know what hit her. You'll be aces with her.

She's dressing. I will inform her that you're here.

She's the one Arthur saw the other night. She lives in Queens.

She's, uh.... She's over there.

Shut up, Arthur! Just shut up!

Since Hobson's death, he's stopped drinking. He's anxious to work.

Sir, your wedding is within less than five hours.

Slut?

Slut?

So I love you. You'll find me a friend.

So I stayed sober.

So I turned her down.

So I've been waiting. Every day, I've been doing my hair, and washing my face.

So true.

So you had six relatively good years.

So you mean cut off from the...?

So...

So...

Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Somebody get me a cop. We need a cop here.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry.

Sorry. Here's the hand.

Sorry. It's your job to be older.

Space Invaders? Holy crap.

Steal something casual.

Step.

Stop being so nervous.

Susan Johnson.

Susan, I

Susan, I I

Susan, just the one I wanted to talk to. Nice dress.

Susan, the one innocent person in all of this has been you. I'm really sorry.

Susan. You get down here this minute.

Take care of her, Bitterman.

Take it easy. Hurry up with the old man's roll, huh?

Take them back...

Tell Bitterman where to take you.

Tell me, has there been a death in your family?

Tell them what's happened. The wedding will have to wait.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Now your goggles.

Thank you. Oh.

Thanks a lot. That's flattering.

Thanks very much. Have a nice day.

Thanks very much. See you later.

That is out of the question.

That should get her down in a hurry.

That sounds bad. Have you seen a doctor?

That was an interesting kiss.

That's all I've ever wanted to be.

That's horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

That's just a little humor.

That's just because you've never seen me sober. Now, come on, eat.

That's quite all right.

That's what I'll do.

The aspirins are for you, my dear.

The Bach family must endure. And not on a subway.

The bride has had second thoughts...

The dealer jerked me around on the price a little.

The easiest thing would be to lie, but I like you

The man following her is a security guard. We've gotta be calm.

The park, Bitterman. Drive through the park.

The press has a good time with you, Arthur.

The reason you haven't seen much of me...

The service here is terrible. Where the hell's my drink?

The wedding is a month from today.

The, um....

Then fill a glass with Scotch.

Then guessing would be out of the question.

Then he died.

Then I'll get sick.

There has never been such a thing as a working class Bach.

There is an engagement party tonight at Arthur's father's house in Southampton.

There's There's teeth and gums and blood.

There's a very small country in the West Indies. I mean small.

There's an urgent phone call for you from Bitterman.

There's more of it. You like a tour?

There's this other girl.

They freeze to death in summer.

This guy came in and pulled out

This is a goner.

This is a robe. Please put it on.

This is a tie you're going to have to work for.

This is a tough room. I don't have to tell you that.

This is for you, your father, and your acting career.

This is funny stuff here.

This is kind of like prom night, isn't it?

This is not an invitation.

This is not the way I wish to be remembered.

This is the ring my grandfather gave to my grandmother. Ahem.

This is the ring your grandfather gave to your grandmother.

This is to marry one girl?

This must be awfully embarrassing for you.

This must be the building.

This Vermeer just arrived today.

Tonight I'll drive myself.

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Third time this week.

Uh huh.

Uh, as you probably have surmised by now...

Uh, sixty cents. But if you spit, it's a 500 dollar fine.

Uh, VD. I'm really into penicillin.

Uh, yellow roses. Two dozen.

Uh....

Uh.... Um, ladies and gentlemen...

Um...

Um....

Unfortunately, every time you have an erection, it makes the papers.

Unh. Ha, ha. Thank you, Bitterman.

Unless you're planning to knock over a fruit stand later in the evening.

Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.

Very little.

Wait. I'll get it.

Waiter.

Want me to read you some Shakespeare?

We are ruthless people.

We don't need your money.

We have croissant. We have a yellow rose.

We have strawberries. We have blueberry cakes.

We have your regular table, Mr. Bach.

We live once.

We might as well tell her, Arthur.

We really have to go now. So....

We want this marriage, Arthur. I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.

We're gonna be We're gonna be like...

We're not bad guys. It's not easy, you know?

Wednesday night may be difficult for me.

Weird.

Well Chester, what can I say? I had no idea.

Well, don't touch the door. I'll do it.

Well, frankly, Father, I'd rather starve.

Well, have a nice day. Thank you very much.

Well, I didn't mean to tell you, but I've got this tumor in my head.

Well, I looked a little.

Well, I would walk, and I thought that the moon went anyplace that I did.

Well, now, ahem...

Well, offer to take my tie.

Well, perhaps fate will lend a hand, Arthur.

Well, princess, we're gonna have fun.

Well, she invited us for dinner, and I said we're having a tuna fish sandwich.

Well, tell me about yourself.

Well, we had a bad night. He was up.

Well...

Well....

Were you scared?

What are you doing here, and why are you talking like that?

What are you doing tomorrow night?

What are your thoughts, Hobson?

What do I have to live for? I'm a failure at everything.

What do you do? I've never asked you.

What do you mean?

What does he do?

What else can I buy, Hobson?

What happens

What is it?

What the hell is the matter with you?

What?

What's the matter, Arthur?

When I was 11 years old...

When I was a kid, I used to open all their stalls and let them run out.

When you're 11, you probably don't even know there's a law against that.

Where in the hell's my hat?

Where's the rest of this moose?

Which is out of the question. I swear she'll be happy.

While our kids are dancing...

Who is she? This one you met.

Who is this person?

Whoo. She does spectacular things with a chicken.

Why ? Don't they know what they do to kids?

Why are you so happy about all this?

Why did you steal that tie?

Why don't you forget the moose for a moment?

Why is it you can make me laugh at the saddest times in my whole life?

Why would you ask about her?

Why, hello, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Will you cut it out?

Will you marry me, Susan? Take the weekend if you want.

Will you stop kissing me?

Will you stop smiling at me like that?

With all of my heart.

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

Would ? Would the one who thinks I'm attractive please step forward?

Would the more attractive of you please step forward?

Would you ask the lady at the counter to put this on my bill?

Would you be divine and get me a gin and tonic?

Would you care to wait in the library?

Would you go to the bathroom and bring me two aspirin?

Would you make me a tuna fish sandwich?

Would you mind if I took you home? I've

Would you remove your helmet, please?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Yeah, listen, my father screwed me too.

Yeah, now, it's all right. They're used to seeing me with the turtle.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You haven't got 50 pairs of short pants...

Yeah, well, he's in it, Chester. Tell him, Alfred.

Yeah, well, he's in it, Chester. Tell him, Alfred.

Yeah, what does he care? The dope.

Yeah? Great.

Yeah? Trust me, you don't need the badge. No customer would wear that jacket.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. But right now I'm working as a waitress. A lot of talented girls do that.

Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi, Linda.

Yeah. I gotta change.

Yeah. Listen, could you send all this, and anything else you can think of...

Yeah. Listen, listen. Go see your brother.

Yes, I would. The bathroom is out of the question.

Yes, it's been a distinct pleasure meeting you.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. As we can all see, it's a lovely day...

Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.

Yes. If she murdered the tie, it'd be a perfect crime.

Yes. Imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be.

You You can count on

You You take your average kid today, friend.

You animal.

You are too old to be poor.

You ask them for things, and they bring them.

You can do anything with your life that you want to.

You can get drunk. You can throw up. You can forget to call me for months.

You can't lose with me. I know you too well.

You come here at 3:00 in the morning to say goodbye?

You don't know how.

You don't need to be so frightened about it.

You feel unloved, Arthur? Welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved.

You got cab fare back to the city? I don't like to take a train at night.

You got trouble, mister. You're never gonna work on the East Coast again.

You have my permission to marry him.

You just wanted to go home.

You know how I love the park.

You know how I love the park.

You know, Arthur, your father is going to demand that you marry Susan.

You know, Arthur...

You know, ever since I met that Arthur, I just liked him.

You know, Hobson, I....

You know, I didn't inherit money like you did. I started with nothing.

You know, I really hardly ever take the bus, ever.

You know, we have to make sure that these two wonderful kids stay together.

You know, you may be growing up.

You know...

You look like one of Santa's helpers.

You may be right. I can't decide.

You mean cut off from...

You mean, why I'm a hooker?

You met a prince?

You must have hated this moose.

You nut.

You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria.

You probably never run out of ice your whole life. Ha.

You saw me standing alone

You should have been there the day I freed my goldfish.

You shouldn't hear this.

You spoiled little bastard.

You tell her.

You, um, probably ate out that night.

You'd better not cry

You'd better not pout

You'd better watch out

You'd better watch out You'd better not cry

You'd think they'd never seen a car before. Ha.

You'll be ironing.

You'll find them on the top shelf, to the left, behind the untouched shaving cream.

You'll make her happy. I don't like your drinking.

You're a good son.

You're a man who has everything, haven't you? But that's not enough.

You're even teaching me how to die?

You're going to be a wealthy man for the rest of your life.

You're miserable? I've got all this, and I'm on a salary.

You're never going to be alone again.

You're not leaving anyone.

You're really wonderful.

You're right. You're right. It's not worth talking about.

You're so drunk, you can hardly stand up.

You're such an asshole.

You're the only woman at this table.

You're the rich one? The one who drinks?

You're the weakest man I've ever known.

You're with me, and you can ask that question?

You've grown up.

You've just lost 750 million dollars.

You've made the right decision.

Young woman, this is a tie you cannot steal.

Your grandmother and I have had all the papers drawn up.

Your regular.

...but I don't recall ever making Preston.

...I'm going to kill him. Don't worry about it, Burt.

...on my mother's side. Oh.

...the ballet, darling, with your father? Yes.

...when you don't know who he is? He looks okay.

$100,000. Aah.

A fern. You need five. Right.

A funny thing happened to me today. Yeah?

Actually, Susan is a very nice girl. Very nice.

Ah, ah, ah. Miss. Hey. Hey.

All green? I don't wear sweaters.

And I love a chicken made at home. Arthur.

And I want you to make her happy. Mm. Oh

And I'd like to say that Try not to speak.

And she'll make a wonderful wife. Yes, wonderful.

And you didn't pay for it? I know. I forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.

Are you hurt, sir? Bitterman, I fell out of the car.

Are you married? There's only one woman for me.

Are you somebody's father? No. I'm a drunk.

Aren't I? Thank you. Wednesday?

Arthur, I wasn't spying on you. I know that.

Arthur, the ceremony's just Yeah, yeah. I know. Um

Arthur, will you play something for us? No.

Arthur, will you take my hand? That would leave you with one.

Arthur. Mm?

Arthur. What?

Arthur. What?

Bitterman, goodbye. Thank you. I'm going.

Bitterman, the Plaza, and step on it. Ha, ha. Ooh.

Bitterman, um, do me a favor. Yes, sir?

Bitterman? Yes, madam?

By Baltimore, I was a dead duck. God.

Can I have another drink? Yes!

Can I help you? Do you recommend the French toast?

Can I kiss you? Please.

Can you move, Arthur? No, Daddy. No!

Can you take the next 60 years off? I'll have to ask.

Come on, Hobson. He wants to see you alone.

Could be a big tie. It is a tie.

Daddy! Oh, no, no, no.

Daddy. Daddy. He's not worth it. Just sit up.

Did the lights go off? Hobson, just talk to me, okay?

Did you feel funny? I mean, I feel funny. No. You may have a cold.

Did you forget your garter belt? No.

Did you know I never looked? Come on.

Did you say except for fish? Yes.

Did you say princess, Arthur? Yes. Yes.

Do I have to go on with this? No, of course not. Of course not.

Do you know what happened? No, I don't.

Do you know what I'm gonna do? No, I don't.

Do you like me? You're cute.

Do you think he wants some cheese? No. I think we're gonna die.

Does he? Yes, he does.

Don't be a lover. Be a person. You make me happy.

Don't give me any stuff, buster. Oh, listen, Raymond, Raymond.

Don't you hate these things? Despise them.

Even a girl? Ask me, Arthur.

Ever been on a yacht? No. Is it wonderful?

Everybody, out! No, Daddy. No!

Fine. Good.

Fine. Thank you very much. Ha ha ha.

For 19, you get 15 coupons. Ha! Ha.

For what? For leaving you.

Four. Where were you when I was selling cars?

From Washington to New York. What's that?

Get in. Right.

Get me a cop! Get your hands off me! Uh, Chester. I'm Arthur Bach.

Give me the address! I want the address! Look, I saw you put a tie in that bag!

Good afternoon? Yes. May I come in?

Good evening, Mr. Bach. Good evening, Mr. Butler.

Good. Look how excited he is. I'll come home from work.

Goodbye, Bitterman. Goodbye, miss.

Great. I don't love her.

Great. Thank you. Great.

Hamlet was in big trouble when we left off. No.

Hat. He's drunk.

Haven't you had enough? I want more than enough.

He came into our house to steal our food. Well, he was asking for it.

He loves me. What about Harold?

He seems drunk, but he sounds sincere. Eat your roll.

He shouldn't be eating that stuff. I don't want his last meal to be Jell O.

He's my father. Yes.

Hello, Arthur. Hello, Mr. Johnson.

Here's your roll. Arthur, what happened? Hobson died.

Here's your tea. I despise tea.

Hey, when do I get a turn? Shh.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. Yes.

Hobson? Yes?

Hobson. Did you see that? Yes.

How are you? Princess?

How does it feel to have all that money? Feels great.

I am Arthur. I'm Gloria.

I am Arthur. Yeah. What're you drinking?

I can't bear to think of you that way. I need Linda, Hobson.

I could get fired. Oh, no, you won't.

I don't wanna die, Arthur. Arthur. Oh, no, no, no.

I got the kippers and eggs. Great.

I hate my father. Then purchase four dozen.

I have something for you. For me?

I just told Linda I was getting engaged. I don't know why.

I knew you didn't have one. Yes.

I like him. Likewise, I'm sure.

I love it too. Ha ha ha.

I love it. Enjoy it.

I never drink. Ah.

I want her! I have to go.

I want her. Uh huh.

I was on a train. Oh, yeah.

I wish we had made love. Yeah.

I'll bring them. Thank you.

I'll cover for you. All right.

I'll get a job. Mm hm.

I'll take it. How many?

I'm Arthur Bach, the groom. Congratulations.

I'm from the gutter. Oh, I understand. Yes, the gutter.

I'm funny. Yeah, that's it.

I'm here to get engaged. Won't you come in, sir?

I'm talking small. We understand it's small, Arthur.

Is it something you feel strongly about? Yes.

Is this it? She's not happy already? Arthur, Susan loves you.

Isn't she just beautiful? Of course she is.

It goes with everything I own. Ha, ha.

It is a tie. Surprise.

It's a great ring, isn't it? It's a beautiful ring.

It's all right. The lady's with me. Oh.

It's almost a billion dollars. Oh.

It's on the floor. Oh, I hate it when that happens.

It's right in that room over there. Ah.

Kiss your wife like that? I'm not married.

Lady, I got customers. I'll have it.

Let me buy you another drink. Right.

Linda We had some laughs. Good luck.

Linda? What do you want?

Millionaire drunk playboy. Mm hm.

Miss Susan is expecting you. Yes.

Miss? Miss? I Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.

Mm. Let's go.

Money has screwed me up my whole life. I know.

Morning, Mr. Bach. Hi, Ken.

Mr. Bach. How good to see you. Yes.

My husband has a gun! I'm sure he has, madam.

No one in my family ever drinks. That's great.

No. My daughter.

No. No.

No. You? No.

Nothing. Offer to take my coat. You don't have a coat.

Now, Linda, it'll help you. Yeah. Look what it's done for you.

Now, please take it, and I'll go. Uh huh.

Oh, are you good friends with Arthur? Oh. For ages. Ha ha ha.

Oh, God, that's.... That's lovely. Hope you like it.

Oh, I turned her down. Oh.

Oh, my God. Well, you see, my father died.

Oh, no. I don't love her.

Oh, you poor thing. Stand aside.

Oh. It makes you unreasonable.

Oh. You must be Linda's father. Yeah. It's kind of late.

Okay, what? A guy came in ? A guy came into the diner...

Okay, what's your name? Name. She's sensational.

Okay. Take it easy.

Perry! Come over here! No, no!

Perry! Come over here! No, no!

Please don't do this to me, Father. I've been waiting for you to grow up.

Please stop that. Hobson, how good to see you.

Pulled out what? Pulled out a gun.

Put your arm around me, Preston. Of course.

Quickly as possible. Time is money. What'd you have in mind?

Really? I met this girl.

Red roses. With the yellow. Right.

Right away. Is that funny?

Right. But it's just so hard to get a cab.

Right. But it's just so hard to get a cab.

Roses. Yellow. Right.

Say goodbye. Goodbye.

Scotch. Would you like some? Why not?

See, if you'd have just let me get Ow!

She steals ties... Uh huh.

She'll drop dead. She'll love them. Right.

She's a friend of yours, Mr. Bach? He just said that, Chester.

Sorry I'm late. Oh, Arthur.

Sorry, Linda. I'm sorry. Mm hm. Mm hm.

Step. Arthur.

Susan. Yes, Arthur?

Take care of it. Take care of it? I already named it.

Tell me your entire name, darling. Preston Langley.

Thank you so much. Not at all.

Thank you very You tell a total stranger that...

Thank you. I love this song.

Thanks. Where's my roll? We're having it monogrammed.

That's Arthur Bach, isn't it? What if it is?

That's how small it is. Small.

The invitations will be mailed tonight. And have you ever tasted her chicken?

Then I won't spit. Good. None of the best people do.

There are three books. This is important. Mm hm.

This is not a big place. We understand that it's small, Arthur.

Uh, are you married? Once. She's alive.

Uncle Peter. And Aunt Pearl. Arthur. You're looking well.

Wanna take it for a spin, Hobson? No, thank you, Arthur.

We just ordered. That's always their excuse.

We'll be poor. We'll be poor.

We'll eat some cheap, disgusting food. Stop!

We're gonna be great. Yeah.

We're gonna get you out of here. Ha ha ha.

Well, don't make a scene. No, I'm sorry, but there

What ? You want some coffee? Where's my roll?

What did you say? What's going on?

What do you do for a living? Oh.

What do you do? I'm a dance instructor.

What do you want, the orange one? Yeah, yeah.

What is it, dear? I don't love you.

What the hell is going on here? Stop that this instant.

What the hell's going on here? She's getting your roll.

What, dear? I'm in love with another woman.

What? Dying.

What? Well, I named it after my grandmother...

What? You're looking wonderful, my dear.

What's so funny now? I sometimes just think funny things.

What's that? Uh.... Yucca plant.

What's your address? Uh, miss....

Where the hell have you been? I'm sorry, darling. I got caught up.

Where's Mr. Hobson? Mr. Hobson was tired, sir. He's resting.

Who is he? Just a guy.

Who is that guy? I'd rather not say.

Who was the tie for? A guy.

Why do you think Pancho loves you? Well, thank you.

Why doesn't anybody ever smile here? They smile at lunchtime.

Why is that? I'm funny, that's why.

Why would Arthur marry a dog? Pardon?

Why, it's a basketball. Yeah, well, what the hell?

Why? Please.

Why? Please.

Why'd you do that? Because I hate an infection.

Will that be all, madam? I think so.

Would you introduce us? Oh, how stupid of me. Uh...

Would you like a beer? I'll be all right, sweetheart. I....

Wouldn't it be funny if he called me? Yes.

Yeah? Oh, Linda.

Yeah. It's awful...

Yeah. On the other hand...

Yeah. Um.... Oh, thank God.

Yeah. What can I do? Listen

Yeah. What's it like being a waitress? Well, it's fun. I mean, you know, someti

Yes, Arthur, it is. Do your armpits. A hot bath is wonderful.

Yes, sir. Then open that door.

Yes? Hobson, this is Arthur.

Yes. Congratulations.

Yes. Thank you, Harriet.

Yes. How delightful to hear from you. How about a pitcher of martinis?

Yesterday, I met her outside Bergdorf's. Good, good.

You all right, Bitterman? Yes, sir.

You don't mean cut off from the ? The money, Arthur.

You had to be there, right? Yeah. You are quite amusing, sir.

You may wait in here. Thank you.

You purchased a choo choo? Look, the wheels go round.

You really look out for him, don't you? Yes.

You seem to find humor in everything. Yes. Sorry.

You seem upset. Now, Susan loves you.

You told me. Well, I am.

You wait here for me? If it takes forever.

You're a nice boy. Two dozen red, okay?

You're a scary old broad, Martha. Yes.

You're drunk. I I

You're frightened. I know. I know. I'm both of those.

You're gonna marry Susan, aren't you? Yeah.

You're such a schmuck, Chester. I asked her to pick out a tie.

...14 of these sweaters, all green.

...and be a good boy?

...and gives them to her father. She's funny.

...and has decided not to marry me.

...and I have brought you orange juice, coffee and aspirins.

...and I killed him in the kitchen.

...and obey me...

...and so...

...and then pulled out

...and you live here. Want a drink?

...but something came up. I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry.

...cranky.

...do you promise to love me...

...don't ever talk about her that way again. She's the best person I know.

...few princes.

...go screw yourself.

...hanging in your closet. Ha ha ha!

...he just kept on sleeping.

...how rich are you?

...I can set you up in an apartment, and we can

...I could enter this dwelling.

...I killed a man.

...I know this is last minute...

...I think Arthur has a very good friend.

...I want the trout almondine from Lutèce. Tell Henri it's for me.

...I was a millionaire by the time I was 18.

...I was lucky to know him at all.

...I'd take care of you.

...I'm afraid we have to talk.

...I'm getting engaged tonight.

...I'm sorry.

...I'm very glad you're here.

...if there's one thing that old gentlemen can still do...

...if you're gonna be like that, let's call the whole thing off. Thank you.

...in something as devious as this.

...is because I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town...

...look who's here. The British Tonto.

...my best friend in the world.

...now that there's a good chance, I should go...

...one of those poor couples on the subway who hold hands.

...Peter and Pearl Bach.

...poor.

...Princess Gloria, may I introduce my aunt and uncle...

...promiscuous?

...shut up.

...songs come and go, but I love the classics.

...their kids are learning how to fight.

...there will be no wedding.

...they can still spot young gentlemen in love.

...to be alone.

...to get into the neighborhood, but what the hell? Ha ha ha.

...to the hospital.

...to the library.

...to this address?

...to work for me.

...um...

...was spending the evening with a stranger who loves me.

...we have eggs, we have kippers.

...we usually get what we want.

...when the light catches it just right? She's really quite beautiful.

...which would seem to indicate that the night is over.

...with another woman.

...would you like me to get you some Scotch, sir?

...you and Grandmother and the family?

...you little shit.