Love Hard Edit

A big one.

A distinction that only really matters if you're from Alabama.

A hospital.

A lot of guys bet big on China Tire.

A piece of fiction.

A speech sequel, per se,

About a girl on the verge of completely giving up on love

About, um, love, and, uh, Josh,

Actually, Dad, it's not just a hobby.

Actually, I think I have something even better.

Actually, I think, um...

Actually, I was thinking maybe Natalie could put it up this year

After the most intense orgasm of your life.

Aggro?

Ah crap. I'm out of Twizzlers.

Ah, of course not.

Ah, that's funny, because I didn't know what to think

All I'm asking for is a week.

All right, fine, they're mine.

All right.

All right. Come on. [exhales] We gotta go. Don't want to be late.

All right. Time to go home. Stop looking at my brother.

Allow me to explain.

Along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies

Also! When you're talking to him, throw in some rock climbing lingo.

An aggressive climber. I climb all kinds of things like

An insensitive, attention seeking [inhales deeply] jerk?

And a head with two faces.

And after spending, uh, the last week with your beautiful bride to be,

And all the travel that it must involve.

And expecting different results.

And given the stuff we used to smoke in his basement after school,

And Gladys, you met Sinatra.

And he likes his girls the same way.

And how would you like that cooked?

And I didn't want to risk it.

And I honestly just...

And I was furious.

And I... I want you to make that rugged unicorn notice you, okay?

And I'm just gonna go to my family and come clean with everything.

And I've been,

And I've got you.

And instead, I found out how it begins.

And it's worth it because they fall in love

And maybe if I did, I'd finally see what's right in front of me,

And maybe that's been the problem all along. I mean...

And Natalie, I want you to meet my old friend Tag.

And now it all makes sense.

And offers to take me on a sunset sail

And Old Spice.

And one of them was my old English teacher.

And people seem to love that I can't find love.

And perhaps the ending to my story could be...

And see what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes.

And share the twisting trails

And she has seen more ass than a church pew.

And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory or a bigger penis?"

And surprise a virtual stranger for the holidays.

And tell him E Rock says to pass the Dutch? [chuckles]

And that's not fair

And the glasses aren't doing him any favors.

And the guy who smiled all the time?

And the only way it ends for you

And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.

And then I look like the asshole? Your family is gonna be crushed.

And then starts a fake relationship online?

And then you go and do the exact same thing to me.

And then, once you do,

And then, your second. Okay?

And there's, like, a tiny little tinge of, hmm... gasoline?

And those teeth.

And what strengths are those?

And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of men?

And wondrous worlds I've known."

And you like me so much,

And you?

And your 50,000 frequent flier miles to go for it.

And...

And... and by the way,

Any questions?

Any questions?

Applebee's!

Applebee's.

Are you implying that this is my fault?

Are you saying you don't want to work at the store anymore?

Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now?

As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are over.

As they are on paper. [chuckles, moans]

At least mine's not crooked.

Baked potato? I've got baked potatoes.

Bear with me. Um... [sniffs]

Because a business costs money.

Because God hates me.

Because I owed you an article, and I didn't want to get fired.

Because that's what I've been,

Because the only way it ends for them is disappointment.

Because this is going to be the most epic love story

Because you look so familiar. I... I just can't put my finger on it.

Because you usually run at the first sign of imperfection.

Being read to.

Being seen with you? That would be a huge win.

Besides, a deal's a deal. We've made it this far.

Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?

Bobsledding?

But 50 percent of the US candle market is underserved.

But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.

But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,

But full disclosure, I can't see shit.

But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from the Grinch.

But here's the thing.

But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

But I did have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn't mind.

But I got a pretty great stepmom now, so...

But I'm pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in Beijing. [chuckles]

But if you think about it, nothing's changed.

But it was still me.

But it's what I want to do with my life.

But Josh told me that he would help get me Tag

But modern dating online is even harder.

But more importantly, you're a good guy, Josh.

But now you're compromising your beliefs.

But on a positive note,

But personally, I find him so inspiring.

But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.

But Santa's actually kind of creepy when you think about it.

But Tag's a real meat and potatoes type of guy,

But thank you, Mr. Lin.

But that's why Soash Media exists

But then the insecurities creep in, and you start with a slight exaggeration.

But this time, I realized that in order to find true love,

But when I got here, I realized that the guy

But you gotta trust me.

But you know what they say. When you know, you know.

But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.

But you told me to stand up for myself, and... and it worked!

But you were a lie.

But you'll get the ending you need.

But you're a good kid with a big heart,

But... you like it.

By Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.

By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.

Bye, sweetie. Love you.

Cali Asskicker.

Can you believe that J Dog is getting married?

Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle making.

Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.

Chin up, brother bear.

Class president, prom king, star of the football team.

Climb you later! [chuckles]

Come on in, come on. Join us for breakfast. We just sat down.

Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.

Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.

Come on, show me.

Come on.

Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.

Condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives

Congratulations.

Correct.

Couple biscuits under the tree for you if you like.

Dad, come on.

Dad? Hit it.

Damn flue always gets stuck.

Did I fly from LA to surprise him for Christmas?

Did you just jump? You really stuck the landing.

Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work?

Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight

Did you see the look on Josh's face? I'm the furthest thing from all right.

Didn't.

Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.

Dishonest

Do I have to mention my Parkinson's?

Do I really need to explain?

Do we have something special? Yes.

Do you even climb?

Do you still have your original profile photos?

Don't be afraid to be you. Natalie.

Don't find out anything before Christmas, and you're golden.

Don't worry, I'll sell it.

Don't worry. They're very used to me disappointing them.

Down at Shimmering Pines, she joined one called Gray Play,

Dude, that's his cousin.

Dude. You're holding an ax. You literally look like an ax murderer.

Duh, first class, honey. I'm not a peasant.

E Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?

E Rock?

Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world,

Eucalyptus. I love eucalyptus.

Even if his apartment smells like bong water.

Even with the three hour time difference.

Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged,

Every time it rang one year, he was like, "Is that the Mormons?"

Everyone, really. I...

Everyone's miserable, though.

Everything will be fine. Just trust me.

Ew. I hated that documentary.

Exactly what you'd expect.

Falling in love with a version of you that doesn't exist.

Fanatical about self control, not to mention a total hypocrite,

Fill out the form to your left and drop it in the after hours slot when you're done.

Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

Fine. I'll get a Lyft.

Flies across the country and shows up on somebody's front lawn?

For one, you have very nice eyes.

For the first time,

For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates

Forgot my luggage. So I'm gonna...

Former chubster, huh?

From my stepmom's side, so that would technically make us step cousins.

Gas is so expensive.

Gee, I mean, um...

Get it to me!

Get up.

Getting a feeling.

Girlfriend. Wow. It's... it's so, so nice to meet you.

Give me truth."

Glenlivet 12, neat.

Gnarly?

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

God, you were such a cutie, Josh. Look at that rat tail. Do you see that?

God.

Good evening. Any questions on the menu?

Good night.

Good night.

Good work, Josh.

Got food in your teeth. You might wanna... [clicks tongue]

Grandma June makes candles?

Grandma, the car's that way!

Grandma, where are you going?

Grandma! That's the wrong way!

Grandpa.

Guys can do things besides hunt and pay for everything, okay?

Guys, come on. This is my favorite part.

Guys, I... I think you guys got the wrong idea.

Have a baby by next Thanksgiving.

Have we met before?

Having sex with her would literally kill her.

He always makes you sit on his lap.

He does that every single, solitary time, even Halloween.

He doesn't even have a ring.

He ended up being 20 years older than his photos.

He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by.

He loves that shit.

He never says anything about his girlfriends, so...

He passed away last year, actually.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He sounds like a great guy.

He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp around

He was smart, funny, sweet, and he looked like him.

He was such a cutie!

He won't. I promise you that. Okay?

He would've liked this hike a lot...

He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list.

He's Asian American and speaks three languages.

He's from Game of Thrones.

He's gotten more chiseled in the last couple of years.

Height and facial symmetry are repulsive.

Hell yeah! Let's do it.

Her ability to ever be on The Bachelor,

Her sanity, her common sense,

Here is Bob.

Here, look at this.

Here, look.

Here. You left these inside.

Here's the deal. Things happen for...

Here's the thing.

Hey, babe. I want to introduce you to my parents.

Hey, bro, why don't you let me and Chels take this?

Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you give this to Josh

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I...

Hey, Joshy!

Hey, listen, um...

Hey, not so fast. We need to talk.

Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.

Hey, you two.

Hey.

Hey. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again

Hey. What are you doing?

Hi. Yeah. I'm, um, Natalie Bauer. I'm here to see Josh Lin.

Him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible... Oh, drink!

His bio. He's passionate about life,

His family and Christmas.

His family took me in. I have never felt worse in my entire life.

His hands are freezing.

His photos. I took one look at that hair, that unique physique.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. When you found out you were getting catfished,

Holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah.

Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot.

Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.

Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chucky.

Honey, it's the only thing that matters.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're all the same.

How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?

How are you feeling back there, Natalie?

How can I build my beautiful roof without Twizzlers?

How could you lie to me? I really liked you.

How do I make it clear

How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?

How much is too much?

Huh!

Huh?

Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh?

Humans were originally created with four arms, four legs,

I actually teach a survival course in Yosemite every summer.

I am not having sex with you.

I am so screwed!

I beg your pardon?

I can help you get him.

I can see the steam!

I can smell his aftershave.

I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?

I can work with that.

I can't do this.

I could use your expertise in setting up my profile.

I couldn't be happier for you, son.

I did too.

I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low key.

I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete paralysis.

I don't complain.

I don't count carbs.

I don't even know where to start.

I don't judge. You love who you love.

I don't know if I have them.

I don't know. It... it doesn't feel right.

I don't need your mom. I need you.

I don't remember.

I doubt he'll recognize you.

I feel like this is gonna blow up in my face.

I find that very hard to believe.

I fired you four times. You just keep showing up.

I found out about this little soirée courtesy of Barb's Facebook page. Hello!

I go with, uh,

I got catfished,

I got you. One sec, baby girl.

I gotta say I'm surprised. [clears throat]

I gotta warn you,

I guess I never realized. I was so busy being mad at you

I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got.

I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes.

I hate him.

I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect.

I have been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.

I heard about your night at the Flamingo.

I just can't, I'm sorry. I...

I just don't think you're the one to write it.

I just wanted you to know that

I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away.

I know a lot of girls who'd be very into you.

I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things,

I know, it's not like helping someone ascend Everest

I know!

I know. I... It's the best I could find in your mom's closet.

I literally had to get stoned to get through it.

I love you, son, but you're terrible at selling sporting goods. [laughing]

I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.

I mean, I... I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.

I mean, I'd like to add to your beautiful, beautiful speech

I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

I mean, it's a... it's a dream come true.

I mean, she's not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.

I mean, that guy is everything that's wrong with Christmas.

I mean, you know,

I mean...

I met someone who's as perfect in person

I monitor them.

I need to be honest about who I am too,

I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the car.

I never want to see you again. Okay?

I once broke my toe climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?

I promise.

I put it up every year.

I run it now, but Josh is one of the salesmen.

I started making candles because of him in the first place.

I think being honest is always a good idea.

I think I'm gonna head back up to my room.

I think the whole family agrees that you've picked a winner!

I think this might be the real deal.

I think you should just let it go.

I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy

I thought to myself, "It's too good to be true."

I thought you guys said this was hard... [gasps]

I told you to stand up, not get down on one knee!

I used to come here every day with my golden retriever, Chewy.

I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.

I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.

I was going for, like, a rugged look.

I was kind of a late bloomer too. [grunts]

I was really talking to was him.

I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm.

I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'll try something different. Like...

I was thinking maybe you can, um, pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.

I went to prom in a white windowless van.

I will change my lyrics so the song doesn't sound so, uh, **** y.

I will have the porterhouse.

I...

I... I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and...

I... I really, really do.

I... I think it could be a business.

I... I thought that my perfect match was here,

I... I... I don't know.

I... I... I thought your finger was gonna fall off, Dad, for sure!

I'd watch that.

I'll come back and fix it.

I'll get a different Uber. Thanks.

I'm an aggro.

I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York.

I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

I'm gonna head to the store real quick.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna stay up here and enjoy the view for a little while.

I'm gonna surprise Josh, and I'm gonna get my happy ending.

I'm just trying to point out that in some cultures,

I'm kidding. [giggles]

I'm Natalie's boss.

I'm not buying it.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'm not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.

I'm not one for speeches, so I'll keep this quick.

I'm out.

I'm pretty good at Photoshop.

I'm pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over this.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm sorry. I... I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?

I'm sorry. So, you haven't even met this dude yet?

I'm... I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm... I'm sorry. [scoffs] Lie?

I'm... I'm sorry. I got carried away in the moment.

I've been so focused on other people's dishonesty

I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career.

If anyone gets it, it's me.

If I pretended to be his girlfriend for the holidays.

If I've learned anything,

If it wasn't for that, I'd be, [pfft] I don't know, uh,

If she wants to be in our family, I need to know who she is.

If you want him to notice you, do something different.

If you're not busy tomorrow morning, come meet me at Corbin Glen Park.

In first grade, he had a lazy eye and needed to wear an eye patch.

Instead of "has Parkinson's,"

Is everything okay?

Is he home?

Is he likes outdoorsy, adventurous women.

Is heartbreak.

Is that my baby?

Is this a joke?

Is this another intervention?

Is this how you boil your victims?

Is this insane? It's kind of insane.

Is unrecognizable.

Isn't that something you do together?

Isn't Thoreau the best?

It all started with a swipe.

It doesn't really matter.

It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!"

It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

It just didn't really seem to be in the cards...

It just has to be honest.

It kind of happened?

It used to help me sleep, but I honestly can't

It was me.

It was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to lie in the first place.

It'll help you relax. And it's your favorite song.

It'll show.

It's a date.

It's a dream I never dared to have for myself.

It's a friend of Josh's!

It's a pretty decent photo of you, though.

It's actually really sweet.

It's as if he's here in the room with us.

It's both.

It's carol singers.

It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

It's gonna help me relax. Gonna help me relax.

It's lame, I know.

It's like a... You know those [chuckles] blue collar mechanics guys

It's literally hours.

It's not lame.

It's not UPS! [laughing]

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Don't look backwards.

It's only two days till Christmas. Let's stage a breakup like we planned.

It's pretty much why I don't celebrate it.

It's that love doesn't have to be perfect.

It's the Mormons.

It's very expensive.

It's you.

It's, like, a tradition sort of thing. It's no big deal.

It's, uh, I mean, there's some gnar... like, gnarly climbing there.

It's... it's no big deal. It's just... it's just a hobby.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles.

Jesus!

Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.

Josh is imperfect, but yet you decided to stay?

Josh Lin is an old buddy of mine,

Josh Lin?

Josh Lin...

Josh, I... [laughing nervously]

Josh, this isn't all your fault. I mean...

Josh?

Josh.

Just act natural. We'll figure a way out. We just got to stick together. Okay?

Just because we're girlfriends now doesn't mean I won't fire you.

Just come up!

Just fill out the form, and someone will contact you.

Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about him, please.

Just in time for Christmas.

Just mixing some new scents.

Just roll it lightly and scrunch.

Just say, "Into the group thing."

Just sit back, enjoy it.

Just text, text, send.

Kerry?

Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.

Ladders, um, houses, um, trees,

Ladders...

Lee?

Let's eat our eggs before they get cold.

Let's not forget the only reason I'm here is because you lied.

Let's recap for a second. You're holding a wrench, an ax, and some rope.

Likes to be? He has to be. He's a Pisces.

Listen, you're not the only one that can stalk people on the internet.

Look at that.

Look at you.

Look, I know you're scared, but you've got this.

Look, you don't have to say anything.

Look. Natalie,

Loves all things outdoors.

Make all the jokes you want,

Many of you've expressed interest in online dating.

May I have everyone's attention, please?

May I see yours? And can you show me Josh's?

May I... may I have everyone's attention, please?

Maybe if you're Bill Cosby.

Maybe you can do something for me in return.

Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're in shock!

Me? [scoffs] Do I climb? I'll climb anything that moves.

Merry Christmas. Look at what I got you.

Mm!

Mm.

Mmm.

Mom, Dad, this is Natalie.

Mom? Dad?

Mostly ladders. [chuckles]

Music prevents stretch marks, Owen.

My apartment is still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, so...

My family is pretty intense when it comes to Christmas presents.

My friend Darlene

My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.

My grandson, Josh, and his fiancée Natalie.

My son wants to make candles,

My turn.

My, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little.

Nacho cheese?

Natalie and I got this one, Dad.

Natalie Bauer.

Natalie, she didn't come to New York for love. She came here for a story.

Natalie, what're you doing?

Natalie, where's my next story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

Natalie! You coming or what?

Natalie?

Natalie.

Natalie. I... I know we haven't known each other for that long...

Natalie. My office, now.

Next thing you know, she's right next to me.

No need to oversell it.

No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?

No problem.

No self respecting man's gonna buy those,

No wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths.

No, he's from that zombie show.

No, honey. Natalie is your brother's girlfriend.

No, I take everything back. You should write about this.

No, I want to.

No, I... I mean, um...

No, it doesn't matter what I like.

No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.

No, they're not.

No, trust the guy who got you up here in the first place.

No, we haven't. We really haven't.

No! That's not what I'm saying at all.

No.

No.

No.

No. You know wh...

No. You look...

Not bad. Come on down.

Not Instagram models who count carbs.

Not only did Tag ask me to dinner tomorrow night,

Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade,

Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no.

Not yet. Um...

Nothing's changed?

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have bags to pack.

Now, the first half of you are going to be really, really happy.

Of anybody you've ever dated before, so...

Of driving a white, windowless van by a playground.

Oh God, this is how I die. I'm gonna die. This is... this is it. This is it for me.

Oh my God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God.

Oh my God. [laughing]

Oh my God. Are you... are you his "G Word"?

Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is

Oh my goodness. Um.

Oh my! This... this is just off the charts. Look at you!

Oh no, it's true.

Oh shit!

Oh shit. Stay down. Stay down.

Oh shoot.

Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

Oh, and, uh, who do we have here?

Oh, bacon?

Oh, but it wasn't just the photos that ensnared me.

Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma.

Oh, he noticed me tonight.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sure you look absolutely beautiful.

Oh, I'm...

Oh, is she Grandma's new nurse?

Oh, it fits perfect!

Oh, it's just an online dating app.

Oh, just candles I made. It's... it's nothing.

Oh, look! It's going to print! Little lovebirds.

Oh, please, help yourself to anything.

Oh, son!

Oh, sorry, that's just for me.

Oh, thank you, Grandma.

Oh, that's my dad.

Oh, the gig economy's no joke.

Oh, this is Natalie.

Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm up.

Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my... my wrench?

Oh, um, E Rock says "pass the dutch."

Oh, we are so excited to have you join the family!

Oh, we... This is a Christmas miracle.

Oh, would you like to help me with kindling?

Oh, you're his girlfriend?

Oh, you're serious? You don't celebrate Christmas?

Oh, you're... you're... you're serious.

Oh!

Oh! I've never felt more alive!

Oh! Thank God you're not dead.

Oh! Well, that is awesome.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh. Hey... hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor's calling.

Oh. Okay. All right.

Oh. Um. Sure.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay, all right, show's over. Nothing to see here, all right?

Okay, great.

Okay, it's not... it's not what you think.

Okay, look, I... I can explain.

Okay, okay. Come here. Come here.

Okay, okay. I think... I think we should tell them.

Okay, relax. It's not like I'm opening up a slaughterhouse.

Okay, so I'll eat a potato.

Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing

Okay, you're crazy.

Okay? All right?

Okay? I promise.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Can you please just turn the radio off? [scoffs]

Okay. Okay. I think I actually know a trick to get you down,

Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that's one thing.

Okay. The first thing you need to know about Tag

Okay. Well, enough of that. [chuckles]

Okay. What'd you say?

Okay. You just have to relax.

Onto your third.

Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

Ooh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!

Ooh. Hi.

Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it's just for me.

Or "My diet starts tomorrow."

Or my picker is broken.

Or providing scuba gear for the Great Barrier Reef,

Or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library?

Or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse.

Other side, baby. It's your mark.

Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I'm not singing that.

Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations.

Owen seems psychotically into this.

Owen! Owen!

Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!

People used to fall in and out of love based solely upon the written word.

Perfect.

Please, sit.

Please?

Plus, he and my brother would just tease me about it.

Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.

Pretend you like it because that's Tag's favorite book.

Probably the only one in existence.

Promise me that when this is all over,

Put in your AirPods, and put on some music.

Put these in.

Quick question. What's a dick pic?

Ready to give this bad boy a go?

Really?

Really? [softly] Okay.

Relax? I can't relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.

Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay?

Remember, one move at a time.

Right, and you're vegetarian,

Savage! [clears throat]

Savage?

Screw Steve.

Searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

See, great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant. [chuckles]

Seriously, though, that train wreck was a little too much, even for me.

She's 70 now, and she has a pacemaker.

She's a writer for a Disaster Date column, and you're not her fiancé.

She's been playing you since day one, bro.

She's doing the rounds.

She's gone.

She's such a joker.

Shimmering Pines.

Shut up. Are you joking?

Since it's her first time here, and she's our guest and all.

Slowly walk backwards towards the edge of the wall.

Smells like freshly cut grass.

So anyway, I... I better get back to it.

So go make candles.

So go put these on because Tag is gonna be here any minute.

So how do you really feel about my favorite Christmas movie?

So I agreed, and I pretended to be someone that I'm not, but...

So I don't spend another evening

So I made one of him.

So just as an experiment,

So let's all raise a glass to future Mr. and Mrs. Lin,

So she risks it all.

So the boys knew Santa had arrived.

So what?

So where did you lovebirds rush off to last night?

So you tweak it just a little more

So, apparently, there's plenty of girls out there.

So, I created my own line of masculine candles

So, I decided to come here and surprise him for Christmas.

So, I know Tag better than he knows himself.

So, is the, uh, wall that we're climbing like the one we climbed at your store?

So, Natalie, what was it about Josh that first caught your eye?

So, Tag and Lee are here.

So, then why don't you serve them?

So, there you have it, folks. Another disaster for the record books.

So, um, what do you think of the place?

So, what do we do now?

So, you and Josh are friends?

So...

Someone's here to see you!

Something a little bit more upbeat?

Sorry. Habit.

Speaking of stocks, uh, the market has been crazy this year.

Specifically, Die Hard.

Stephen King is too afraid to trick or treat here.

Still you, just a shinier version.

Still, we just gotta make it through Christmas.

Stop it. Get up.

Stop. Stop. [spluttering] Everyone just stop.

Stop. You got this, okay?

Stop...

Stopped three years ago.

Sure you don't want to stay the night? We're making a gingerbread house.

Sure.

Sure.

Sure. Whatever you say. So, uh, what size are you?

Surprising you for Christmas!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Swell? Right, Natalie?

Tag Abbott, he may as well have been Zeus's son...

Tag is fanatically punctual.

Tag,

Tag, I want you to meet my cousin Natalie.

Tell me more.

Tell me you are calling me from his bathroom

Than fame,

Thank God.

Thank you for the ride.

Thank you so much, Natasha.

Thank you, Grandma.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any more requests?

Thank you. Um...

Thanks. [sighs]

That captures the essence of a dude.

That I never really stopped to look at my own.

That I... I never stopped to think about why you actually did it.

That I'm not looking for anything long term?

That is literally the one thing that I cannot do!

That is my favorite ornament of all time.

That is, like, the sexual assault theme song.

That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?

That one goes on top of the... the tree.

That show the real you.

That was so awesome. You got all the way up here by yourself.

That you have ever read.

That's a man who knows how to drink.

That's actually very insightful.

That's cool.

That's him. Josh!

That's just something people say. Like, "Your baby's so cute"

That's just something people say. Not a lot of magic has happened at all.

That's my favorite book. I reread it every year.

That's not exactly an address you forget.

That's one hell of a hobby.

That's your other problem. You're only looking local.

The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA assholes.

The dos and don'ts of online dating?

The greatest Christmas movie of all time.

The key is to not focus on the wall, but to focus on your first move.

The last remaining microscopic shred of my pride and self respect?

The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.

The Lin household?

The next time he tries to steal the spotlight, steal it back.

The other half, a storybook romance.

The pen is mightier than the penis.

The roof might not be my child...

The UPS guy's not here to see me. Just sign for the package!

The wool of his sweater. [sniffs]

The... the why doesn't even matter anymore.

Then ask your dad for a loan. I feel like he's the target customer.

Then Josh travels every day.

Then just change it. Say, "I enjoy rolling with my homies."

Then we'll stage a breakup, and you'll be free from me forever.

Then Zeus is an asshole.

There are no words for what you did.

There was just so many unbelievable things in his profile.

There you go. [chuckles]

There's cereal in there.

There's laundry, bathroom, foosball table if you want to play.

There's so much nice underwear in there. You're a lucky guy.

There's someone else on the other side of that lie

They actually met online and now are engaged.

They all smell like flowers and candy

They freaked me out.

They helped me develop resilience, empathy.

They just didn't want to date me.

They lost everything except their virginity. [laughing]

They really love Christmas, huh?

They're freakishly straight.

Think of a single thing that's more comforting than

This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.

This has been nice. I haven't been on a hike date in years.

This is Christmas karaoke.

This is gonna be so much fun.

This is gonna be your most epic Disaster Date yet.

This is Josh's Dad. And this is his Grandmother, June.

This is not LA, and Tag is not an LA guy.

This is the only Tempur Pedic in the house, and I have a bad back.

This is where the magic happens.

This might be the most sane thing you've ever done.

This morning.

This smells exactly like Grandpa.

This was not part of the plan.

Three.

To either distract people from their own lives,

To meet up with a guy who is literally the polar opposite

To paraphrase my girl Celine Dion, "My heart, too, will go on."

To those mysterious lands you long to see."

Tonight I'll be assisted in the kitchen

Tr... trust you? [scoffs]

Traveled the world, fought in a war.

Trust me,

Trust the guy who catfished me?

Two glasses of Veuve, please.

Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.

Ugh, kids can be so cruel.

Ugh.

Ugh. "Bottom Gun"?

Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.

Uh oh. Who's doing the dance?

Uh, Abbott's.

Uh, and I'll be right back. Anyone need anything? No? No? Okay.

Uh, I mean, that jawline. [scoffs]

Uh, I'm gonna show her a grand tour of Lake Placid and the store.

Uh, she's just... uh... uh... sampling the menu, uh, for the wedding meal.

Uh, why don't you come inside and wait?

Uh, yeah, well, sure. Sure.

Uh. [laughing nervously]

Uh. He's not here right now, but I expect him any minute.

Uh. You know, we... we were gonna wait to tell everyone the great news, but...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... but got a mini fridge with all kinds of soda.

Um, a few of us are climbing at Rock Ventures tomorrow.

Um, I actually should probably go shower.

Um.

Um. [chuckles]

Um. Well, hey, it was nice to meet you, Natalie.

Um...

Um... Could you just pause for a second? It's a little distracting.

Um... I... I think that might be implied.

Under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid."

Unlikely. Natalie just flew in from California this morning.

Until he ghosts me.

Until I met Natalie.

Until I spoke to your boss a few seconds ago,

Until the real you, which was probably pretty great to begin with,

Van Gogh. Feel free to use it on Tag sometime.

Wait up!

Wait, there's something else that I just can't place.

Wait, what? No. No, no, no, no. You can't do that.

Wait. Uh...

Walden?

Walden? Are you kidding me? Thoreau was an asshole.

Walking Dead.

Wanna join?

We ain't sharing.

We just got so darn excited, and, uh,

We know, bro!

We should probably address the, uh, catfish in the room.

We talked. [gulps] I made sure... The... the photo!

We're going to be starting now.

We're gonna do the bedroom, we're gonna do the nursery room.

We're good.

We're maybe just a little bit more than just friends.

We're not getting any younger, dear.

We're really happy to have you joining the family.

We're starting now. We're going to start now, everyone.

Well, actually, I was just dropping off your, uh, your lady's suitcase.

Well, cheers to that.

Well, five years of braces.

Well, for starters, you have to believe that it's true.

Well, I didn't set out to catfish you. It just kind of happened.

Well, I don't know how to show that in a photo.

Well, I had a really nice evening.

Well, I mean... no...

Well, I want to hear all about how you two met.

Well, I've brought you two experts.

Well, if it wasn't for Tag's photos, you wouldn't have swiped on me.

Well, if you count lunch runs to Applebee's,

Well, it's meat today, but then what are you going to lie about tomorrow?

Well, it's still, you know, it's pretty much temporary.

Well, maybe if I'm helping you with something,

Well, she's right there.

Well, some people find him a self obsessed narcissist,

Well, the real human hospital's 30 minutes away,

Well, they're definitely not on FlirtAlert.

Well, welcome to my crib.

Well, you know what? We've got bigger problems.

Well. [clears throat]

Were you actually trying to find a girlfriend

What about Tag? I have a date with him tomorrow.

What about Thoreau?

What are all these?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you, an LA six, which makes you a Lake Placid ten?

What brings you here?

What do you think?

What if he finds out I'm engaged to my cousin?

What if I write a piece

What is he talking about?

What is this one?

What kind of psychopath creates a fake profile

What nonsense.

What was he like in high school?

What?

What?

What?

What? Who doesn't like a bathroom selfie? I looked kind of cut that day. Look.

What? Why is he here?

What? Why?

What's the one common denominator in all of these dates?

Whatcha doin' over here?

When did he get out of jail?

When I'm not traveling for work,

When she comes to find that the perfect guy might actually exist?

When they thought you were my girlfriend?

When you get back to LA, I just tell them we didn't work out.

Where are we going?

Where is she?

Where's my drink? Who has my drink?

Where's the bride to be anyway? I haven't met her yet.

Whew.

Who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.

Who's that?

Whoa!

Why did he just congratulate you?

Why did you really stay?

Why did you stop being friends?

Why didn't you just leave?

Why don't you come over and play with...

Why should I believe what comes out of your mouth?

Why the hell would you do that?

Why would you do that?

Why?

Why'd you dump the guy with the guinea pigs?

Will you?

With a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders.

With Josh, and the Lins,

With my own speech.

With names like "Sweet Caresses" or "Shooting Star."

With the tight shirts, that put in a hard day's work?

Worst case, maybe I'll have a little meat.

Wow, this all looks so delicious.

Wow!

Wow! I don't know how you did it, but... [sniffs]

Wow.

Yeah, don't you think this is going a little too far?

Yeah, he's got an order come in. I told him to swing by at 11:00.

Yeah, I don't see "Compulsive Liar,"

Yeah, I mean, granted, he still lives at home,

Yeah, it's gonna help me rel... Oh.

Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.

Yeah, we... You know, we were just saying in the car, right?

Yeah, well, If it wasn't for Invisalign and Accutane,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you two here last night looking pretty damn cozy.

Yeah, you don't have a ring.

Yeah, you should see me on a real mountain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. He passed a few years ago.

Yeah. It's been putting the hip in Rohypnol since 1944.

Yeah. Natalie and I have to head out.

Yeah. Not ideal.

Yeah. Real words like "rappel" and "harness."

Yeah. Uh. We... Well...

Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could say that. [chuckles]

Yep. Totally agree.

Yes, I have. He was born in Beijing, and he was amazing in bed.

Yes, it's one of her hobbies.

Yes! [breathing heavily]

Yes! You guys will be in love by New Year's.

Yes.

You are her subject.

You can run, but you can't hide!

You can see Bambi without actually going to Disney World.

You can take mine. I don't have to be buried with it.

You climb?

You could never tell if he was actually happy.

You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo

You do realize that at some point, you were going to have to meet me.

You don't say.

You flew across the country to surprise me for Christmas.

You got this. Go, go, go, go. I love you. Call me later.

You got through the tough part. It's nothing.

You gotta leave the serious stuff to the real journalists, like Steve.

You gotta look outside West Hollywood.

You gotta show those puppies off.

You gotta think bigger.

You have really straight teeth.

You hid behind a photo. You lied about your identity.

You just do your part.

You know me. So rare, a good vet could bring it back to life.

You know they say a scent can make a memory come alive.

You know what, you're gonna go, and you're gonna do this,

You know what?

You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually...

You know what? The pleasure's all mine, Oren.

You know,

You know, as long as she's happy, I'm happy.

You know, I shot that one, actually.

You know, I'm actually super grateful for my awkward teenage years.

You know, I've been thinking about joining one of those dating sites.

You know, that man loved two things in this world,

You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be another guy

You liked me.

You lived a full, vibrant life, and you're a good person.

You made this?

You make candles?

You might not always get the ending you want,

You owe it to yourself

You said, and I quote, "I wish you were here with me for Christmas."

You see, candles are solely marketed to women.

You should fly across the country

You should see this place at Halloween.

You should totally go for it.

You sound like you got Millennial Tourette's!

You took me to a vet?

You two are cousins?

You wanna look relaxed, like you don't care.

You wanna put your best foot forward.

You wanted me to wear a hat. You're like, "It's cute." It's dumb!

You won't find my article in the bottom of that glass.

You would not have swiped on me. [grunts]

You, my friend, are about to fly 3,000 miles

You, on the floor. Now.

You'll find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.

You'll put up an honest profile with real photos

You're dating the real Tag, and you're engaged to the fake Tag?

You're gonna be fine. Stay as long as you like.

You're gonna set me up with Tag?

You're here. This office is open.

You're making me the happiest boy... We're the happiest family in town!

You're not just fooling yourself.

You're right. I liked you.

You're telling me the guy exists, and he's there?

You're the best!

You're the one who told me to look up the lingo!

You're wrong, Lee, and I'm gonna show you.

You're... you're not mad at me?

You've been lifting those weights I bought you. Huh? Yeah!

You've never seen him.

Your aunt asked if we could throw a surprise engagement party for Josh here.

Your dating life is a disaster.

Your grandma gave me her ring

Your parents threw us a surprise engagement party? Here?

Yup.

Yup. Definitely. Be right there.

9:00 a.m.? And wear something comfortable.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside"! Yes!

["Macho Man" playing] Christmas may now commence!

[all cheering] She said yes!

[Barb gasps] [Owen] Oh no.

[Barb] Hold on to her tight, Josh. Oh, I got her.

[Barb] I'm so proud of you. We gotta come up with some names.

[Barb] It's so good to see you! [Bob] Honey! Wow!

[Barb] Owen! [laughing] Mom! Mm!

[Barb] Take your toast. [Bob] Drive carefully.

[Barb] Welcome to the family, Natalie. [Josh] Oh, thank you, Grandma.

[bartender] Great. You know me.

[bartender] Orange juice. Kiwi. Say what?

[bartender] Triple Sec. Rum juice. Okay. Talk to me.

[Bob] Aw! What a duet! Terrific! [Barb] What a beautiful voice, Natalie!

[Bob] Careful. [Josh] Just right on top there.

[Bob] Come over. Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is not mine. This is Josh.

[Bob] Hi, Chelsea! [Barb] Merry Christmas, honey.

[Bob] Is that Tag? Captain America! How's it going?

[Bob] Oh! Oh!

[Bob] Oh. I'm sorry.

[both gasp] [Josh] Hello?

[breath trembling] Okay.

[Chelsea] Yeah. Yeah. [Owen] How is Joshy still single?

[chokes] Grandma, let's... We have company.

[chuckles] Okay. Fixed it.

[chuckles] You want to take this one maybe?

[clears throat, coughs] Okay, what do we got?

[dog barking] [Natalie laughing]

[door closes] Okay. I... I know you're mad,

[door opens] Josh, go help her with her luggage.

[door slams shut] [Josh gasps]

[exhales deeply] [text tones]

[footsteps approaching] [Natalie humming]

[gasps] [Tag] Yeah.

[Grandma] Hey, kids. I shouldn't have...

[group chuckling] Ooh, that's a good idea! I like that.

[indistinct chatter] [Barb] Oh my...

[Josh grunts] [Tag] All right, Josh.

[Josh laughing] [Bob] Wow!

[Josh laughing] He keeps taking his glove off.

[Josh] All right. Come down! [panting] I can't hold on!

[Josh] Doesn't make it a Christmas movie! [Natalie] I have more evidence.

[Josh] Glad you're still alive. What?

[Josh] Good morning. [chuckles]

[Josh] Oh! You cook? Oh yeah. All the time.

[Josh] Uh. Not necessarily.

[Josh] Well, especially Natalie. [Bob] Yeah.

[Josh] What's up, Tag? [Tag] Hey, buddy, how's it going?

[Josh] Whoo! [Bob] Merry Christmas!

[Josh] You don't know where you're going! Baby Jesus will take the wheel.

[knocking on window] I know you're in there, you mofos.

[laughing] There it is.

[laughing] Here. Here. Come on. [Natalie whimpering]

[laughing] I'm sorry! [text tone]

[laughing] Look at this. Look at this. [Barb gasps] Oh, look at my little guy.

[laughing] Oh! That's a weird Dick! [chuckles]

[man 1] Go get it. Watch, you might learn something.

[man 2] Get over here! [man 3] Put 'em up, put 'em up!

[man 2] Go hard. [Tag] Get it, Joshy!

[man] And? [crowd murmuring]

[man] Oh boy. Here we go. I'd like to write about that instead.

[man] Ooh, I like it. [chuckles]

[mouthing] I'm sorry. Hi!

[Natalie exhales deeply] And release.

[Natalie whimpers] Now, close your eyes.

[Natalie] Do you have a hamper? [Josh] It's over by the closet.

[Natalie] Hmm? Whew.

[Natalie] Thanks. It's a new lip gloss. Josh has a girlfriend?

[Natalie] You have a brother? [man] Prodigal son has returned!

[Owen grunts] [Chelsea screams]

[Owen throwing tantrum] Fine, let's just get this over with.

[Owen] Look at junior jumbo Josh. Oh no.

[Owen] Yeah, I made this! [Bob] Yeah.

[panting] He's gone. Are you sure?

[radio chatter] How could you possibly know that?

[sighs deeply] [Owen] I don't know about this Natalie.

[sighs] Well, good night.

[sighs] Oh. What is... like... what is this?

[squealing] Oh wow!

[squeals] He is so cute!

[Tag] Nice stuff. Get some new duds in? [Josh] Always.

[Tag] Well, I'd like that. Mm.

[text tone] Merry Christmas.

[truck beeping] Oh. Sir, excuse me. Um...

[whispering] I'm sorry. Nope. Nope. I'm still alive.

[woman laughing] [Josh] Hello?

[woman whispers] Here they come. [all] Surprise!

[woman] Oh. What if I spruce it up just a little bit?

♪ 'Cause baby, it's cold outside ♪ ♪ Maybe just go outside ♪

♪ And maybe I'm crazy ♪ Okay.

♪ And some days it don't come hard ♪ Be respectful.

♪ At least, I'm gonna say that I tried ♪ ♪ I feel like you're not trying at all ♪

♪ But it's crazy and it's true ♪ [man]I am a Christian!

♪ Christ the everlasting Lord ♪ You're off key, Dad.

♪ Dancing, you know it, baby ♪ Go get him!

♪ Don't you forget about me ♪ [grunting] Oh.

♪ Don't you forget about me... ♪ [grunting] Okay.

♪ Giving everything inside and out and ♪ [grunting]

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪ [car remote beeping]

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪ [Bob laughs]

♪ Holy infant so... ♪ [gasps] Oh!

♪ I just died in your arms tonight ♪ [music distorts, stops]

♪ I need a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ I need a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ I ought to say no, no, no ♪ ♪ I'll call you an Uber, they're close ♪

♪ I really can't stay ♪ ♪ Well, maybe just go out ♪

♪ I've been saying that for a while ♪ ♪ Well, maybe just a half a drink more ♪

♪ I've got to go away ♪ ♪ I hear ya, say no more ♪

♪ It's a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ It's a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ It's a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ It's a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ It's a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ Keep on, keep moving on ♪ [exhales] Okay.

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪ Hah!

♪ Late in time behold him come ♪ ♪ Behold him come ♪

♪ Make it a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ Make it a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ Make it a very ♪ ♪ Very ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry ♪ ♪ Merry ♪

♪ My father will be pacing the floor ♪ ♪ Adíos, say no more ♪

♪ My mother will start to worry ♪ ♪ Here's my phone, give her a call ♪

♪ No one else can save me know but you ♪ Mm.

♪ Pray for your mercy! ♪ ♪ Reconcile ♪

♪ Say, what's in this drink? ♪ ♪ It's just lemon LaCroix ♪

♪ The neighbors might think ♪ ♪ It's just my old friend Troy ♪

♪ This evening has been... ♪ Totally consensual.

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Very Merry ♪

♪ Where we drift and call it dreaming ♪ [growling]

♪ Yeah, you say you ride or die... ♪ [Josh] Get in! Get in!

♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ Reconcile ♪

10:00 a.m.? Perfect.

Aggro? Yeah, like aggressive. Aggro. [growls]

Ah. Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.

All right. Wait, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing? No, no, no, no.

Are you all right? [exhales]

Are you serious... Hey! Everything okay here?

Breathe. Breathe. [breath trembling]

Can I have your attention? Please? [Barb] So clever...

Can we... can we go back inside and... No, I'm not going inside!

Chick's pretty cool too. I haven't met her yet.

Congratulations, dear. Thank you. You look hungry.

Did he just...? Yup.

Don't... Wait. What? Nat.

Easier said than done. No, I'm serious. Steal it back.

Eucalyptus? Bengay.

Everybody knows that. [groans]

Everyone's sleeping. [Tag] Okay.

Geisha? No.

Get this off. Don't undo that, come on.

Go ahead, come on. [clears throat]

Good. Okay. Stand up. [breathing heavily]

Great. Mm hmm.

Have you met him? Yeah.

He fell off one year and broke his arm. [gasps]

Hello, dear! Hi. Oh.

Hello. Hi.

Here are your drinks, guys. Get involved. [woman] Thanks.

Here I am. [Josh, Natalie chuckle]

Here we go. [Barb] Light her up.

Here. [Bob] Thanks.

Hey. [woman] Mm hmm.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Tag's told us so much about you.

How do you know Josh? Ah, they're friends, Grandma June.

Huh? Free non perishables for life.

I am so pumped about this. Aren't you? I'm so pumped.

I can't do this, Josh. I can't do this. Yes, you can.

I deleted the whole thing. [Natalie] No, you didn't.

I didn't bring my phone. It's downstairs. Maybe later, Grams.

I didn't think it was gonna work out. How... how... are you here?

I do know them. I just don't... She knows the lyrics.

I don't know anything about this guy. But I do.

I figured it's the least I could do. Oh.

I got it. Oh, look at that. [Josh] Perfect!

I guess you could say that, yeah. I love Yosemite.

I hear you got some carabiners for me? [Bob] Sure do. They're in the back.

I just landed, but my bag didn't arrive. [game playing]

I know a great charity that... Do you know where the coat check is?

I lied about a photo. [Natalie] No.

I met someone. [exhales] Mm hmm.

I miss him every day. Mm.

I think she cut me. It's okay, baby. I think she did too.

I tripped and accidentally hit "Call." What the fuck are you saying?

I want you to meet someone today. [Tag] Oh? Okay.

I'll give him a job at the store. Oh, well, I hope he likes to travel.

I'll see you guys at 10:00 a.m. See you, bro.

I'm a large woman. No.

I'm gonna help her. It's okay. Focus on...

I'm kind of busy, Owen. Oh, talking to your lover, Tag?

I'm... I'm sorry. [phone ringing]

Is "curvy" spelled with a Y or an EY? [man] There's no E.

It's a great song and a classic. ["Baby, It's Cold Outside" playing]

It's making me miserable. Oh, I'm sorry. [sucks in air]

It's so crooked. It's very crooked.

It's time to tell them. Let's tell them. I think it's time. Okay.

Josh and... No!

Josh! [Josh] Hey, Natalie.

Just make yourself comfortable. [clears throat, chuckles] Uh. No.

Kiss her, you idiot! [Josh laughs]

Lee? Are you dating two guys now? No, he's my boss.

Let's see what you got. [grunts] Come on!

Look. I... I can explain! [breathing heavily] I don't understand.

Merry Christmas, man. [winces] [Owen laughing]

Mm hmm. [Tag] What else do you like?

Mm hmm. Nice.

Mm hmm. Sure did. Here I am. Am I crazy? A little.

Mmm. So good! She loves her toast!

My bags... [horn honking]

Natalie! Oh.

Nice to meet you. Hi. You too.

No way! [chuckles] Yeah.

No, she is... [Owen] Oh shit. Shit. Uh...

No! Yes.

No! No. Yeah. What?

No. Ah! She must be in Mom's new book club.

No. No. I know you. I know you.

Nobody is blaming anybody, okay? [Natalie] Oh!

Not much to it. [scoffs]

Off! Off! Off! Off! Get this off me. No! Just stop. Stop.

Oh God! It's okay. It's okay.

Oh hey. He mentioned the store. [Josh chuckles]

Oh my God, you do. No.

Oh my God. [Barb] Oh my goodness!

Oh no. No, I don't. It was wonderful! [laughing]

Oh, also, take this. Uh. [sighs]

Oh, but no kiwi because I'm... I... I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.

Oh, she's a vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, we went to McGregor's for karaoke. Mm hmm.

Oh! [Owen] It's crazy!

Oh! Careful. Careful. Okay.

Oh. It was, uh...

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Oh. That's a great idea. Fun. [Josh] Mm hmm. Yeah.

Oh. Um... Yeah.

Oh. You didn't hear? Uh uh.

Okay, June! Seriously. [Josh] Mom.

Okay, Snoop. [exhales] Oh yeah.

Okay. Sure.

Okay. Okay. Show me the photos!

Okay. What if we do like head to toe? Mm. It's always gonna be no. So, yeah.

Ooh! Solid as a rock! Thank you. It's good to see you, Mr. Lin.

Really? Mm hmm.

Really? Wow. [Tag] Yeah.

Really. [Josh] Mm hmm.

Say yes! Yes! Yes!

She has a condition. Um.

So crazy. Yeah.

So really there's only one con. What?

So the thing is... La la la la...

So then smile more! [touching music playing]

So, where are you guys going tonight? [smacks lips] Um... Abbott's, I think.

So, you met the real Tag tonight, huh? Mm hmm.

Someone kind, and honest, and ideally... [man] Honey?

Sorry to bother you. Bye. [disconnects]

Tag, [burps] what's going on, bro? What's up, E?

Thank you so much. You... you look great, by the way.

Thank you. Thanks, Doc.

Thanks. Yeah.

That's an upgrade, I'd say. [chuckles]

The hard part is over. Just rappel down. Uh uh.

The old Asian man upstairs? Oh yeah.

This article isn't gonna write itself. [Lee] Good idea.

This is what we're gonna do. [Natalie] No!

Those chubby little cheekies! [chuckles] He was eight.

To take a hint? ♪ To break the spell ♪

Uh, yeah, maybe a little. You are... This is just so romantic.

Um... [Chelsea] Ew!

Wait, what? Yup.

We don't have to talk shop at breakfast. Oh, but it's so fascinating.

We don't have to... [Owen] Yes! You remember this one?

We were just talking about it. We talked about this for hours.

Well, I would... No words!

Well, not... not in person, but... Oh, I take it all back.

Well, that one's called Lawn Mower. [Natalie] Mm.

Well, what makes you think I'm not? [text tone]

Wha... Where's what? [gasping]

What if we put pillows in the middle? No.

What, that? [Tag chuckles]

What? [coughing]

What? Are you satisfied?

What? Look at me. Look at me.

What? One move at a time!

What? No. [whimpering] No, Josh. Yeah. Come on. You're doing great.

What's going on, bro? What's up, Owen?

Where am I taking you, again? 420 Holt Street.

Where does this one go? Oh!

Whoo! ♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

Why? Because it's a total scam.

Will you marry me? [Barb gasps]

Worst case, you get a free diamond ring. [call waiting beeps]

Wow! Yeah, lucky me!

Wow! Look at you! [Chelsea] Merry Christmas!

Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! No. Oh!

Yeah! That's good. Oh, that sounds really good!

Yeah. [gasps, screams]

Yeah. [Owen] Don't think she knows the lyrics.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Uh huh. Do you mind taking that for me?

Yeah. Pretty much. Okay.

Yes, you can. Get this off me.

Yes! Whoo! [Natalie] ♪ I would do anything ♪

You cannot get this phone. No.

You didn't tell me he was Tom Cruise. Oh, I thought you were an aggro.

You ever been bobsledding before? [rumbling]

You have no idea. Proud voices! Loud voices! Come on!

You know that's a steakhouse, right? Yeah. His parents own it.

You're actually doing great. Yeah?

You're gonna be grandparents. We're pregnant.

You've been so busy with the new house! Okay. Game face.

...and you.

...dishonesty.

'Cause you were like... Whoo!

"Always on the move."

"And moonlit woods where unicorns run free."

"But this bridge will only take you halfway there."

"Left The Toilet Seat Up," or "Won't Ask For Directions" in here.

"Rather than love, than money,

"So, come and walk awhile with me

"The last few steps you will have to walk alone."

"Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs."

["(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew playing]

["Baby, It's Cold Outside" playing]

["Blood On My Hands" playing]

["Call It Dreaming" by Iron & Wine playing]

["Counting the Days" by the Crystalairs playing]

["Curls" by Bibio playing]

["Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds playing]

["Everyday" by Ada Pasternak continues]

["Everyday" by Ada Pasternak playing]

["I Would Do Anything For Love" by Nina Dobrev playing]

["Jingle Bell Rock" playing]

["Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys playing]

["O Christmas Tree" by Stuart Roslyn & Matthew Foundling playing]

["Read My Mind" by Golda May playing]

["Roll on Babe" by Vetiver playing]

["Santa Knows Your Secrets" by Night Heart playing]

["Silent Night" playing]

["Vagabond" by Wolfmother playing]

[all cheering, clapping]

[all laughing]

[Barb, Bob, Grandma] Surprise!

[Barb] 'Cause that wires kinda goofy.

[Barb] And you had to write the words on your hand.

[Barb] Baby.

[Barb] Everyone did a great job on it this year.

[Barb] Hey, guys, the movie's about to start!

[Barb] Josh, I'm sorry that Natalie couldn't be with us tonight.

[Barb] Let's just... [laughs]

[Barb] Oh, how was that?

[Barb] Oh, Natalie, we are so...

[Barb] Okay, that's good. That's good.

[Barb] Who is it?

[Barb] You two, time for presents!

[bartender] No problem.

[bells jingling]

[bells jingling]

[birds squawking]

[Bob chuckles]

[Bob chuckles]

[Bob exhales]

[Bob grunts]

[Bob grunts]

[Bob laughing] Hey!

[Bob sighs]

[Bob] Could I have everyone's attention?

[Bob] For the last time, we're not converting!

[Bob] Huh?

[Bob] I think we can make that happen. Who wants to take the duet?

[Bob] Let's party!

[Bob] Oh my God!

[Bob] That's what they're known for. Good old steak as always.

[both laugh]

[both laughing]

[both men laughing]

[breath trembling]

[breath trembling]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily] Hello. I'm Dr. Foye. Wow! You look a lot, uh, a lot better.

[breathing heavily] Natalie, here's the deal, okay?

[breathing heavily] Oh my God!

[breathlessly] I think I'm just gonna go use the ladies' room.

[breathlessly] My EpiPen!

[cats meowing]

[cats meowing]

[chattering]

[Chelsea] Tsk. Aw!

[chuckles nervously]

[chuckles nervously] Um...

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] after hearing all this singing about babies,

[chuckles] Everyone did.

[chuckles] I've been searching for like an hour and nothing.

[chuckles] Thanks, Joshy poo. Not my first climb, though, man.

[chuckles] Yeah. Now, that's my girl.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clicks tongue] Not being Google able is the modern equivalent

[clicks tongue] Uh, yeah.

[continues coughing]

[continues whooping]

[coughs, clears throat]

[coughs] Jesus Christ, Lee. You're everywhere.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd gasps]

[crowd murmuring]

[dogs barking]

[dogs barking]

[door chimes]

[door chimes]

[door closes]

[door closes]

[door closes]

[door closes]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens] Now I'm apparently getting married! [door slams]

[driver] 4.9 stars, and I offer snacks.

[driver] I'm the only Uber in town.

[driver] You want some papaya? Kiwi?

[driver] You're the boss.

[emotional music continues]

[emotional music playing]

[engine revving]

[Eric] J Dog! Congrats, my man!

[ethereal tinkling]

[ethereal tinkling]

[exhales deeply]

[exhales deeply]

[exhales deeply] Sweet baby Jesus.

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales] Full disclosure,

[exhales] I just wanted my happy ending.

[exhales] What movie?

[folk guitar music playing]

[footsteps approaching]

[footsteps receding]

[footsteps receding]

[gasping] Shit. There must've been kiwi in those shots.

[gasps]

[gasps] Oh my God.

[gasps] Oh!

[gasps] Oh!

[gentle music playing]

[gentle music playing]

[giggles]

[giggling]

[Grandma, Barb] Mm.

[Grandma] I've seen him in something.

[Grandma] So, who better to come and talk to you about

[Grandma] What's she doing there?

[Greg] This could be yours, girl.

[groans]

[group exclaiming]

[group exclaiming]

[group laughing, chattering]

[group quiets]

[group] Yeah.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts] Got it.

[grunts] How am I doing so far?

[grunts] What kind of psycho

[gulps] but I'm still gonna raise it.

[holiday music playing]

[in Spanish] A beer, please.

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct chattering]

[inhales deeply]

[inhales]

[inhales] Four weeks ago, I met a guy online.

[inhales] Hard to have an orgasm when you've been catfished!

[inhales] uh, we just couldn't keep it to ourselves anymore. Um...

[inhales] Well.

[insincerely] Oh. I love what you've done with the place.

[Josh exhales, sighs]

[Josh grunting]

[Josh grunting]

[Josh whispering] Everyone's looking. Just say yes.

[Josh] ...but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we'll worry.

[Josh] "I cannot go to school today, said little Peggy Ann McKay."

[Josh] "This bridge will only take you halfway there

[Josh] Before there was Ferris Bueller, there was Peggy Ann McKay.

[Josh] He's only interested in sporty, manly things.

[Josh] Hey, man.

[Josh] Hey, Natalie.

[Josh] I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.

[Josh] I swear to you.

[Josh] I... I get it.

[Josh] I'm happy to be your emergency contact,

[Josh] I'm the happiest man in town. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

[Josh] It's okay.

[Josh] Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama free.

[Josh] My parents got divorced when I was three,

[Josh] Natalie!

[Josh] Oh Jesus.

[Josh] Oh, I guess I really should have gotten the Verizon Unlimited plan.

[Josh] Okay, let's take a deep breath.

[Josh] Okay. Convince me.

[Josh] Okay. This is the last street. I think we got all of it.

[Josh] Passionate about life and all things outdoors.

[Josh] So, what's your favorite Christmas movie?

[Josh] Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.

[Josh] Take a deep breath.

[Josh] That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,

[Josh] There are presents involved in most movies ever made!

[Josh] Well, apparently not everybody. Mm.

[Josh] What was your favorite book as a kid?

[Josh] What?

[Josh] Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the sequel.

[Josh] Yeah.

[Josh] You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

[Josh] You've studied this in depth.

[Kerry] All you have to do is make sure Tag and the Lins

[Kerry] Honey, sometimes blow ups can be a good thing.

[Kerry] Let me get this straight.

[Kerry] Long gone, Nat. Besides, think of the story you'll write.

[Kerry] That is not a coincidence, bitch. That is a sign from God.

[knocking on door]

[laughing nervously] I'm serious. [straining] This is not funny.

[laughing uncomfortably]

[laughing]

[laughs]

[Lee] Okay. I mean, I just find it odd

[Lee] So, kiddo. That was one hell of an engagement toast.

[light buzzing]

[loud thud]

[male patron] Yeah!

[man 1] I see you.

[man 1] Okay, Joshy.

[man 2] Cali Asskicker!

[man 3] Merry Christmas, everybody!

[man laughing]

[man] Cali Asskicker!

[man] Is that the Mormons again? For the last time, we're not converting!

[man] It's been two weeks. Where's my next Disaster Date story?

[man] Yeah, snap! [laughing] Hug those jugs!

[Natalie chuckles]

[Natalie coughs] Where am I?

[Natalie groaning]

[Natalie groaning]

[Natalie grunting]

[Natalie scoffs]

[Natalie sighs happily]

[Natalie sighs]

[Natalie sighs]

[Natalie sighs]

[Natalie snickers]

[Natalie spacey] Flying high back here.

[Natalie] ♪ And I would do anything For love ♪

[Natalie] A passion whose flame fails to be fanned eventually burns out.

[Natalie] Applebee's!

[Natalie] Big mystery there, Bob.

[Natalie] But I can't do it anymore. I... I... I can't lie.

[Natalie] Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.

[Natalie] Half of you love a great Disaster Date story.

[Natalie] I can't believe that you know that.

[Natalie] I don't know, Ker.

[Natalie] I even wore this stupid hat!

[Natalie] I told Tag I'd meet him at eight.

[Natalie] I totally love Christmas,

[Natalie] If you could please change the station?

[Natalie] It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.

[Natalie] It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.

[Natalie] Just play it, please.

[Natalie] Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!

[Natalie] My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her.

[Natalie] No kiwi. I would swell up like a blowfish.

[Natalie] No offense, but your car is a little loud.

[Natalie] No way. You were chubby as a kid too?

[Natalie] Oh God, I hope so.

[Natalie] Oh, uh, don't pull up to the house.

[Natalie] Okay. So?

[Natalie] One, it takes place during a Christmas party.

[Natalie] Owen really likes being the center of attention, huh?

[Natalie] So, yeah. I thought I'd flown 3,000 miles to see how my story ended.

[Natalie] Sorry, I need these more than you do.

[Natalie] That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.

[Natalie] This is the most beautiful hike I've ever been on.

[Natalie] This isn't funny, Ker!

[Natalie] We can't cheers before all the speeches are done.

[Natalie] Webster's Dictionary defines love as...

[Natalie] Yippee Ki Yay, I do!

[Natalie] You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?

[Natalie]Wow.

[neighbors gasp]

[nervously] What are you doing here?

[Owen] Back by popular demand. Lin family carolers!

[Owen] Except for the star.

[Owen] Grandma, why...

[Owen] Great!

[Owen] Hey, guys!

[Owen] I'm okay. Okay.

[Owen] It's still in good condition.

[Owen] Lin family, let's go!

[Owen] Mom!

[Owen] Quick finish, Grandma, don't mess it up!

[panicking] I don't like this.

[panicking] Um...

[panting] No. I can't stop. I won't stop. Now, where's my next story?

[patron] Whoo.

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[plane departing]

[Rick] Semi finalist on Dancing with the Stars.

[Roy] I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.

[scoffs]

[scoffs]

[scoffs]

[scoffs]

[scoffs] Come on, Josh.

[scoffs] Glad you're not dead.

[scoffs] None of your business. Besides, what's wrong with what I'm wearing?

[scoffs] Okay.

[scoffs] What are you talking about? It's a cute and flirty Christmas duet.

[scoffs] Why are you being all weird?

[scoffs] Why would I drop it in the after hours slot?

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming] Yeah!

[shivering]

[shouting] off of her finger!

[sighs deeply]

[sighs deeply]

[sighs deeply]

[sighs deeply]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] Because he got popular.

[sighs] her idea of a Christmas song.

[sighs] I'm sorry. It gets me every time.

[sighs] Speak of the devil.

[singer laughing] Hey!

[smacks lips, sighs] It's really something.

[smacks lips]

[smacks lips] It's a good thing I'm not part of those cultures.

[smacks lips] Movies.

[smacks lips] You might want to rethink the names, but you did nail the scents.

[sniffing] Mmm!

[sniffing] Mmm.

[sniffs] My father started it 50 years ago.

[soft guitar strumming]

[soft music playing]

[soft piano music playing]

[softly inhales]

[softly] No, I... I don't.

[softly] Sorry, Josh.

[somber music playing]

[somber music playing]

[sound muffles]

[sputtering]

[squeals]

[store patrons chattering]

[straining] Okay.

[straining] Where is it? Where is it?

[Tag scoffs]

[Tag whooping]

[Tag whooping]

[Tag] I'm glad you like it.

[Tag] Natalie, kill it! Whoo!

[Tag] Okay, so you like pizza, rock climbing, and Thoreau.

[Tag] Okay, so... so you got mad at Josh for catfishing you,

[text tone]

[text tone]

[text tone]

[text tone]

[text tone]

[touching music continues]

[touching music playing]

[traffic rumbling]

[truck beeping]

[up beat pop playing]

[upbeat instrumental music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[Vinny] Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb...

[weights rattling]

[whispering] Come on. Everybody's looking at us.

[whispering] Say yes. Just say yes. Just say it.

[whispers] Here it goes.

[wind howling]

[woman] ...someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?

[woman] And if that's true,

[woman] Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether,

[woman] Hey!

[woman] It's been said that, according to Greek mythology,

[woman] Merry Christmas. Can I help you?

[woman] Oh.

[woman] Sure, dating has never really been easy,

[yelling] It's not the Mormons, Bob!

♪ A good ol' year, I think we earned A little fooling around ♪

♪ All this snow won't keep us From painting the town ♪

♪ And a real... ♪

♪ And Christmases long, long ago ♪

♪ And mercy... ♪

♪ And some nights you're breathing fire ♪

♪ And some nights you're carved in ice ♪

♪ And these are the days that never end ♪

♪ And when Santa hits the gas Man, just watch her peel ♪

♪ Any rain softly kisses us on the face ♪

♪ Anywhere means we're running ♪

♪ As long as the planets are turning ♪

♪ As long as the stars are burning ♪

♪ Breakin' out of this two star town ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

♪ But nothing's stopping Christmas From coming this time ♪

♪ Can you read my mind? ♪

♪ Can you read my mind? ♪

♪ Christmas comes this time each year ♪

♪ Counting the days Been waiting since last year ♪

♪ Cuz we been... ♪

♪ Do you know how to spell "farewell"? ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ Everlasting Lord! ♪

♪ For all the love you've left behind ♪

♪ For love ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪ ♪ Oh, Jesus, you're the king ♪

♪ Glory! Son of God! Oh, Jesus! ♪

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

♪ God damn, I got blood on my hands ♪

♪ Hap hap hap happy New Year ♪

♪ Hap hap hap happy New Year ♪

♪ Hark the highest, angels sing ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ He's got to wear his goggles... ♪

♪ Her hair curls In the damp of the night ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the damp of the night ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the depth of the night ♪

♪ Her hair, it curls In the depth of the night ♪

♪ Her woolen coat Under yellow sodium lights ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ I dreamt last night ♪

♪ I got the green light I got a little fight ♪

♪ I hope you get home safe tonight ♪

♪ I know you can save me ♪

♪ I never really gave up on ♪

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ I say La, la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ I wish I knew how ♪

♪ I'll be alone ♪

♪ Is the path it makes That's a clue to other songs ♪

♪ It must have been something you said ♪

♪ It's the best time of the year ♪

♪ It's the hap happiest season of all ♪

♪ It's the little Saint Nick... ♪

♪ It's the most wonderful time Of the year ♪

♪ Jingle around the clock ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring... ♪

♪ Just tryna keep it in line ♪

♪ Little Saint Nick ♪

♪ Man, there's nothing like this Time of the year ♪

♪ Marshmallows for toasting ♪

♪ Mistletoe up high It's about to go down ♪

♪ Mix and a mingle in the jinglin' feet ♪

♪ No I won't do that ♪

♪ No problem there's the door ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like it ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like This time of the year ♪

♪ No, there's nothing like this Time of the year ♪

♪ Nothing so exciting ♪

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree ♪

♪ O Christmas tree... ♪

♪ Offspring of a virgin's womb! ♪

♪ Oh girl I don't know all the reasons why ♪

♪ Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight ♪

♪ Oh, the most wonderful time... ♪

♪ On the corner of Main Street ♪

♪ One more time ♪

♪ Ooh Merry Christmas Saint Nick ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah! ♪

♪ Peace on Earth ♪

♪ Records the air like a memory of night ♪

♪ Records the air like a memory of night ♪

♪ Roll on babe ♪

♪ Roll on babe ♪

♪ Run run reindeer ♪

♪ Santa knows your secrets ♪

♪ Santa knows your secrets ♪

♪ Santa's bringing all the toys In the dead of the night ♪

♪ Say you wanna ride, better buckle up ♪

♪ Say you wanna ride... ♪

♪ She's candy apple red With a ski for a wheel ♪

♪ Sleigh bells ringing And Rudolph's running behind ♪

♪ Slow down, that's quite a pour ♪

♪ So really I'd better scurry ♪

♪ Some days it don't come easy ♪

♪ Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again ♪

♪ Stuck at home for too long It's time to get out ♪

♪ Tell me your troubles and doubts ♪

♪ The kids are sleeping And mama's got a bottle of wine ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ The scent recalls Like a photograph with life ♪

♪ There'll be parties for hosting ♪

♪ There's a tale about Christmas That you've all been told ♪

♪ To find a bone And to float it down the stream ♪

♪ To find a stone Just to bounce across the pond ♪

♪ To live without Is to live under a spell ♪

♪ To see within Is to feel without a light ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Very Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We can sleep and see 'em coming ♪

♪ We can weep and call it singing ♪

♪ Well way up North Where the air gets cold ♪

♪ What a bright time It's the right time ♪

♪ When friends come to call ♪

♪ Who'd have thought That we'd break the things we like? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought That we'd turn our home to hell? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

♪ Won't you come see about me? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, you really 'bouta lie Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ You can have mine... ♪

♪ You don't roll no more ♪

♪ You say I'm fallin' behind ♪

♪ You say you wanna move on and ♪

♪ You will not be happy... ♪

♪...angels sing Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪...come at all ♪

♪...don't roll no more ♪

♪...Mother and Child ♪

♪...so very nice ♪

♪...the herald angels sing ♪

♪...with Rudy to lead ♪