Shallow Hal (2001) Edit

A bottle of Dom for my buddy here.

A classic beauty

A few weeks ago, you got trapped in an elevator with my friend.

A lad that would be right for me daughter.

A little privacy.

A severance pop?

A shoot?

A tail.

Actually, I better get going.

Actually, I didn't tell her I was going out tonight.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grill.

Ah, my pleasure, Rosie.

Ah, you mean humanidocious, right?

Ah.

All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.

All right, calm down.

All right, look. I admit Rosemary is kind of cool, all right?

All right, look. Let's just cut through the old crapcake here, huh?

All right, maybe for some people

All right, then.

All right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missile.

All right! Congratulations!

All right? That's it.

All right.

All right. In a minute.

All right. Let's look at the facts.

All right. Ready to order?

All right. What do you say?

All right. You believe me now?

All the phony self deprecating crap.

All the time. All the time.

All you know about beauty is programmed.

All you want me to be

Altrudocious? That's not a word.

Amen to that.

And all of that malarkey that you gave me that night at the house,

And all of them things you said to me.

And all the white folks shake their asses

And also, I've seen him around the office.

And be with any girl who will have him,

And get these patients back in their beds.

And God knows I love her dearly.

And great toddies.

And he has all this time on his hands,

And he wants me to go with his group.

And her love's a mystery...

And I just can't pretend

And I just didn't want you to go away without knowing that.

And I mean like two or three, tops,

And I notice that her second toe is, like,

And I was always kind of unavailable.

And I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.

And I won't do that again.

And I would never believe a girl as beautiful could have

And I, I wanna show you all the places

And I, I wanna take a little ride

And I'd like you to make a presentation.

And I'll introduce you to some good friends of mine?

And I'm fine with that. You know?

And I'm in love with an even greater guy.

And I'm not trying to give up myself

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends.

And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman,

And if it's love

And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch

And in summation, I feel that these measures

And it took me like ages

And it's cold and it's dark

And it's workin' so well

And it's workin' so well that I can't get away

And keep 'em coming.

And let us please remind you

And me daughter would get a hell of a lot more dates.

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me...

And now he's under the impression that he can get any woman he wants.

And now I know appearances mean absolutely nothing to you.

And now you're gonna go and save the world in Carabas?

And she doesn't exactly hate me.

And tag my ear.

And the fluffy white lines that the airplane leaves behind

And the meal's gonna be on us.

And the touch

And the touch of my lips

And the truth is I haven't been able to bounce me daughter on me knee

And the truth is, I'm happy for Rosemary.

And the villagers will be chasing her.

And then just when he had given up,

And then Robbins confirmed exactly what I thought!

And they're certainly not nice! Not to us!

And third, find yourself

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes, he's a great guy and he cares about me,

And to make matters worse, Jill dumped me last night.

And tonight, when you're hugging your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

And travel, and go shopping and...

And very fat, some of them.

And Vicki? Who?

And we can plan things,

And what's up with those dogs? How big are those?

And who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here or something.

And yesterday is weaving in and out, out, out

And you can either accept me or

And you disappear! Oh, my...

And you don't have a clue

And you don't think he can?

And you made her disappear!

And you, you'll be respectin' that.

And you're looking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeling her heart.

Another? Okay, you got it.

Any idea where she went?

Anything I can catch, do they?

Anyway, all I remember is he was great.

Anyway, apparently, you gave him like a pep talk,

Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in 10 days,

Anyway, I don't see why you care so much.

Anyway, I mean, did something go wrong here?

Anyway, it's great to see you again.

Are drifting right in front of the waning of the moon

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

Are you looking right at her?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Are you out of your mind?

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

As in Steve?

At the time I thought it was sort of a joke.

At your cervix!

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?

Baby, baby, since first we met...

Baby, even though you don't need me

Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go

Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go...

Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street

Back on that rock in the middle of the sea

Back on that rock...

BARTENDER: Two Buds? Two Buds.

Bausch & Lomb.

Be nice to her. She's a good girl. All right.

Beantown.

Beauty.

Because he had been asking me out for a really long time,

Because he had just sold his company,

Because if you see the real Rosemary,

Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.

Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

Because that, my friend, is where the true beauty lies.

Because tomorrow, I'll finally get my promotion.

Because you were suddenly desiring the undesirable!

Before you hurt the poor girl.

Before you went to work. What's up?

Besides, she went and accepted that Peace Corps assignment.

Big Kahuna here just swore him into the Corps about a half hour ago.

Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

Birth defect thing.

Blaze a trail to her front porch

Bless your sweet mistakes

Boston.

BOTH: Congratulations on your promotion!

Brain freeze.

Building a parachute?

Bullshit.

But admit you wouldn't talk to that woolly mammoth

But anyway, the timing couldn't have been more perfect,

But at least I have a bigger willie.

But crazy's all you got.

But deep inside my heart I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing

But don't you think it's time to raise the bar a little?

But Eric Clapton is filling in for John.

But for the most part, you seem to have done your homework.

But guess who is now officially going out with Jill.

But he had no sense of humor.

But how can he not feel them when he's...

But I don't know, no matter what I eat,

But I guess I've just been a little preoccupied with things.

But I have to assume you're a little nutty if you really believe you're not beautiful.

But I love you.

But I still think of you

But I still think of you

But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,

But I'll make sure and touch base with her.

But if you'll let me,

But in a good way.

But in return they get to be a lot thinner than I am.

But it took you, like, eight seconds.

But no accent. You know those accents...

But no. This wasn't, you know... This was different.

But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi.

But Paul, George and Ringo will be there.

But see, the point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.

But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle.

But she's a tad muscular.

But that was my fault. I shut you out emotionally.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

But there's lots of good eatin' fish out there.

But this afternoon, the first beautiful woman I saw went for me.

But this just flat out sucks.

But this wall, it will fall

But to make it more exciting. I don't care if I win.

But understand this. You better be good to her, Ralph.

But when that feeling calls...

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not,

But why? I mean, look at you. You're a mountain of a man.

But you better come with cash, now his hat is on backwards

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

But, sir...

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

By fastening your safety belts and stepping towards the ledge

By the way, her tits weren't even real.

By the way, you're gonna need a little sod on the fairway there.

Bye, Lindy.

Bye, Rosemary. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Good to meet ya.

Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name.

Can I ask you something, Jill?

Can I get you boys some coffee?

Can I have your number?

Can you think of a time when you were really shallow?

Can't you hear me calling?

Cankles! She's got no ankles.

Careful.

Casual.

Catch ya later.

CC!

Chili fries with cheese, and a large chocolate milkshake?

Close your eyes. Just relax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

Coffee?

Come here, my darlin'.

Come join us. I'm going after the redhead.

Come on, boy.

Come on, I'm not gonna laugh.

Come on.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days. That's all I need.

Come up.

Congratulations, Hal.

Contagious conjunctivitis.

Could be coincidence.

Could ever market this product.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Cut it out.

Cut off? I don't know why I never thought of that

Dad?

Daddy like.

Darling, I just can't let you

Devils, come out!

Did you see the cowboy?

Do I look like I have anything to complain about?

Do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty, and that I'm not fat, okay?

Do me a favor. Take a look outside.

Do you need help?

Do you want to share, or...

Does she take the cake or what?

Doesn't matter if you're skinny, doesn't matter if you're fat

Don't be a smart ass.

Don't be a smart ass. Now you listen to me.

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite! Now, let's go!

Don't do what I did.

Don't even get me started.

Don't give in

Don't give in

Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Don't speak! Just you listen!

Don't worry. He's been acting really weird lately.

Don't you get sick of it sometimes? Sick of what?

Don't you think you're being a bit shallow in the way you look at women?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

Don't... Hal!

Dr. Sayed! How's it going?

Dude!

Dude!

Dude!

Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?

E mail. That's...

East Side Plaza for me, please.

Especially around really pretty girls.

Even better, buddy. I'm telling you, it's almost beyond belief.

Ever walk through a truck stop men's room on your hands?

Every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after

Everybody says if you put a wig on him, he'd look just like me.

Everybody's dancing

Everybody's shaking

Everything reflects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.

Everything's so perfect.

Exactly. I mean, you gotta admit,

Excellent.

Excuse me for just one second. Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Excuse me, jackass. Can you not hear me down there?

Excuse me, miss. Is everything all right?

Excuse me, Mr. Robbins. Can I have a word with you, sir?

Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

Excuse me. Did you... Did you move us?

Excuse me. What are you doing... Shh.

First you wouldn't dance with the hotties at the bar,

First, I want you to promise

For now, avoid Rosemary.

Forget something?

From a pack of stampeding buffalo! That's from what!

From Boston. The magical fruit?

From now on, you'll be working directly for me.

From then on would, to you, look like supermodels.

From what!

From what?

Gentlemen, can I interest you in some chili fries and half a burger?

Get lipstick.

Get out!

Get out! You are the luckiest man on the planet.

Get over here, Houdini.

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's show time.

Give me some lipstick.

Go for it.

Go on, say it. You know what?

Go on.

God, what am I saying? No!

God!

God.

Goddang it. Rosemary, don't move. Is your back all right?

Good Lord.

Good luck, Hal.

Good night. Thank you.

Good to meet ya.

Good to see ya.

Good to see you.

Good. Did you get my message?

Good. I got a few bites.

Good. Who is this?

Gorbachev?

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering down at the hospital for years.

Got a few things to tell ya.

Great.

Great. Great. Bye bye.

Great. I'd love to.

Grow up, Hal.

Hal Larson, the guy I was telling you about.

Hal,

Hal, come on. This isn't working out.

Hal, I made a mistake.

Hal, I need to see you in me office straight away.

Hal, I stand corrected.

Hal, I'm gonna level with ya.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

Hal, I'm so sorry. Yeah, thanks.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was your biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

Hal, is everything all right with you?

Hal, is that you?

Hal, it's okay. I've been watching you the past few weeks.

Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a puddle.

Hal, we gotta go do that thing.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding that wholesaler position.

Hal, you've been really nice to me today.

HAL: (FU N NY ACCENT) Who is it? Hal, is that you?

HAL: It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

Hal!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hal?

Hal? Yeah?

Hal.

Hal. Good to meet you.

Hal. Hal, come on.

Hal. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Half an inch longer than her big toe.

Hang on a second. Are we gonna fall?

Has been completely out of your league.

Have we met?

He can't believe the love I give is not enough

He died when I was nine, so...

He does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the ladies.

He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

He hypnotized you so that really ugly girls that you met

He is grooming his poodle, he is living comfort eagle

He is handling the money

He is handling the money, he is serving the food

He is in the music business, he is calling you

He is living comfort eagle, you can meet at his location

He is now accepting callers, he is calling me

He knows about your party, he is calling you

He puts the Vulcan mind meld on ya.

He says do you believe in the one true edge?

He says now do you believe in the one big song?

He seems to be stuck in the '80s

He was a great guy, and I really loved him. But...

He was having relationship troubles. How is he?

He wears his Members Only jacket

He'll go back to judging everybody by the outside.

He's got spina bifida! He plays the hand he was dealt.

He's got the heart of a saint.

He's now accepting callers who would like to sing along

He's obviously crazy about you.

He's serving the food

He's totally focused on the outside.

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred more like yourself.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? ROSEMARY: Hey, it's me.

Hello? Rosie?

Her bare feet were on the couch,

Her hair is kinda wild and free

Her parents are throwing a going away party for her as we speak.

Her self image is so far off, it's scary.

Here's my phone number, and here's my e mail.

Here's your bag, Rosemary. Thank you.

Hey

Hey, all I'm saying is she's got cankles, for God's sake.

Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.

Hey, calm down.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great untapped resources down at the company.

Hey, do you wanna dance? Yes!

Hey, go nuts.

Hey, Hal.

Hey, hey, come on.

Hey, hey, don't panic.

Hey, hey, hey now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't we forget the track,

Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Hey, I want you to be honest.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Hey, it was the least we could do,

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

Hey, Jill.

Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots?

Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

Hey, man, good to see ya.

Hey, Mauricio. How ya doing?

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

Hey, Sally.

Hey, sorry, ladies.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double your dosage and leave me alone?

Hey, Walt.

Hey, Walt. How you doing?

Hey, what's up, Mauricio?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, were you adopted?

Hey, you recognize these panties?

Hey! Hal, right?

Hey! I got an idea. Do you want to play the kissing game?

Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey. Pussy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. Okay?

Hi, Hal.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Is this a bad time, or...

Hi. Nice to meet you.

High standards? In the five years I've known you,

His cigarette is burning but he never seems to ash

His job? Really?

His name is Ralph Owens.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm. You've been burnt, huh?

Hold on. What if I told you

Holy cannoli.

Holy cow. I mean, hi.

Hope you like bean dip.

Hot,

Hot, young tail's what it's all about.

How am I supposed to expect some woman to?

How am I? Tonight I feel like a thorn amongst a bed of roses.

How are you, beautiful?

How are you?

How can a person this beautiful

How can he see their inner beauty when he doesn't even know them?

How can I not think about you?

How can you be so selfish?

How can you say that? She was perfect.

How come you haven't come back to see us?

How do you know my name?

How ya doing? Good.

How you been? Good.

How you doing? Great.

How's the crowd tonight?

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

How's this any different?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? What do you mean?

Huh? Yeah, everything is fine.

Huh.

Huh.

Hypnosis is not gonna help you.

I altered his perception a little bit.

I am impressed.

I am rescuing you!

I appreciate everything, anyway.

I bet.

I bought into it.

I broke up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

I called you, like, immature or sophomoric or something like that.

I came here to congratulate you.

I came to see Rosemary.

I can write it down. It's S H A...

I can't get to you

I can't get used to

I can't get used to...

I can't keep this up.

I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong

I can't stand it when you guys order a glass of water and a crouton.

I can't. Uh...

I could not believe my ears.

I could practically see the halo around his head. I can't compete with that.

I could, as a friend, look the other way

I didn't mean the "banana hands" thing.

I didn't mean to offend you.

I didn't recognize you. The hair and the...

I didn't think so. You guys don't even look sick.

I do want your number. I'm sorry!

I do! Me!

I don't care!

I don't have other boyfriends.

I don't hear about that till tomorrow.

I don't know about that.

I don't know what to say but...

I don't know what... That was dumb.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe... Maybe you should think about moving.

I don't know, Mauricio. Maybe I should just see her.

I don't know, she went crazy for me or something.

I don't know. I like the track.

I don't know. Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

I don't know. What do you call it?

I don't know. Whatever.

I don't normally dress like this around my parents.

I don't really, but I'm a little nervous.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't want to have a drink. I want to go home.

I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live.

I feel too young

I got a leash. Would you like to take me for a walk?

I got a very good friend who says

I got my own life to live

I got something in my eye. I had to run back here and flush it out.

I got tickets for that Beatles reunion.

I gotta call you back. Something came up.

I gotta get a map.

I gotta give you credit for being more proactive and starting to meet women

I gotta go meet some friends, so I'll see you guys later.

I gotta go see someone.

I gotta go to the can.

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane. I'm really sorry.

I gotta say, I don't see the slightest resemblance.

I gotta steal your dance partner here.

I guarantee you there's some girls out there who would think it was adorable.

I guarantee you've never met anyone like this guy who's coming with us.

I guess I couldn't live without the things

I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow? Bye.

I guess I'm not real smooth sometimes.

I had a sweat suit underneath.

I had him take the trance away.

I hate the ponies. There's too much human involvement, you know?

I have a tail.

I have some things to say to your daughter and I'm not leaving here until I do.

I have to say, Hal, I'm impressed with a lot of your ideas.

I haven't been close to a woman my whole life.

I haven't met her.

I hear you in there.

I heard,

I help people deal with life's challenges with more dignity and more courage.

I helped him see inner beauty,

I just have this thing.

I just made Rosemary appear!

I just saved your life, baby.

I just thought it was more of a...

I just wanted to apologize for last night.

I just wanted to give him a gift. I didn't want him to get hurt.

I knew a time was gone

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high school

I know that you are only one dream away

I know what cankles are.

I know what we've been through

I know what we've been through

I know what you're thinking. Where does she put it, right?

I know you'll probably think I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but...

I know you're back together. Let's not play games.

I know you're not... MAURICIO: My God. Hal!

I know.

I know.

I know. I don't think it's a good idea.

I know. I know. It's crazy.

I love you, Mom!

I love you.

I married for love, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.

I mean, at first I thought you were in a slump, you know?

I mean, I bet on pro football now and then,

I mean, I do have...

I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.

I mean, I really like you,

I mean, I'm leaving for Carabas tonight for 14 months.

I mean, not my boss. He's my boss's boss.

I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.

I mean, the man means everything in the world to him.

I mean, we only had that one date.

I mean, yeah, you're... You're really pretty.

I mean, you kind of don't even know what goes where.

I mean, you know what I'm saying.

I mean, you know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

I met you up in the mountains with Ralph.

I miss you and I wanna see you.

I need a man around that can give it to me straight, you know?

I need your balls.

I never told you about...

I really appreciate it. But...

I said no.

I said your willie's bigger than...

I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

I say okay.

I should have changed at the beach.

I shouldn't have broken it off with you.

I sold my company to Microsoft.

I suppose the girls we partied with a couple weeks ago downtown

I take it you don't read the business section?

I think I'm gonna go down that other road for once.

I think me daughter is lucky to have you.

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think real friends are obligated to be honest with each other.

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

I think so.

I think talking to him helped my confidence or something.

I think they're attracted to each other in the beginning.

I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquilizer gun

I told you it was nasty.

I told you to cut the shit out, all right?

I told you.

I tried my best to smile

I understand.

I want nothing to do with you, you little warthog.

I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I want to talk to you about some stuff.

I want to talk to you about that little conversation we had the other night

I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I was jogging.

I was really stupid.

I was saying something... I thought you meant... Never mind.

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tonight.

I wasn't even invited.

I will.

I won't say no to that.

I wonder if you hear me call out your name

I would absolutely love to, if...

I...

I... I've never been close enough to anybody to get burnt.

I'd already picked up all the faces

I'd love a cup of tea, darlin'.

I'll be gettin' to that in a minute.

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting in the wings, and I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

I'll bet you're here so you can get out of school. Right?

I'll build my world around you, I need you so

I'll build my world around you, I need you so

I'll come through. I promise.

I'll get through

I'll give you your rights. I'll give you your last rites,

I'll go get help.

I'll have mine in martini glasses

I'll make you proud, Papa.

I'll pick it up later. Congrats.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you this weekend, okay?

I'll take my chances. Now open up.

I'll try to catch her on the way home.

I'm a coward, all right?

I'm a friggin' idiot.

I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

I'm actually volunteering at the hospital right now,

I'm Bella.

I'm getting back in there!

I'm going back to the restaurant.

I'm going with you.

I'm gonna call you later.

I'm Hal.

I'm having a word with your daughter.

I'm immature. I'm unthoughtful.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma,

I'm just curious.

I'm just gonna go to the ladies' room.

I'm just in a little funk right now, and everything's gonna be fine.

I'm not beautiful, okay? And I never will be.

I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out.

I'm not putting you down until the cows come home.

I'm okay.

I'm on this island in the South Pacific called Carabas.

I'm serious. A lot of people get squeamish in that situation, and you were so...

I'm serious. That's what these kids need,

I'm so embarrassed. Don't be.

I'm sorry you lost him.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry, Rosemary. I just can't wait that long.

I'm sorry. I just...

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

I'm sorry. You know, apparently this Tony Robbins guy

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any problem getting dates.

I'm telling you the truth, Hal.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I'm the girl who gets really good grades and isn't afraid to be funny.

I'm the one who should be nervous here, not you.

I'm tired of holidays ruined

I'm very sick! I've got...

I'm... I'm... (MAKES VOMITING SOUNDS)

I've been looking for you all day.

I've been looking for you.

I've been really dumb.

I've got my hair back.

I've never read that book.

I've seen the women you go out with.

I've spent all summer days drivin'

If anything, you're pathologically unshallow.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's doing

If her father wasn't company president.

If I don't hear from you,

If I had one wish, I wish I could be

If I had one wish, I wish I could be

If I know you, that's not all she'll be getting.

If it's the last thing I do

If they had inner beauty or some baloney.

If we try we can begin again

If we try we can begin again

If you ever feel like taking a break from hanging out with your old, sick granny,

If you have one ounce of integrity left, you'll break it off immediately,

If you met her you'll never forget her

If you took all the women you two have ever gone out with,

If you were nine, that's kind of odd. You should remember a lot.

In fact, that used to be part of your charm.

In spite of all me better instincts, I took the hook.

In the countryside with you

In the gym last week when you said I was scared of women, you were right.

In the play He wrote for you

In the sky the birds are pulling rain

In your business suit?

In your life a curse has got a name

Including people you think are not physically attractive.

Indeed.

Inner beauty's easy to see when you're looking for it.

Is attracted to each other? Get real.

Is eating my girlfriend's...

Is everything okay?

Is everything...

Is he having a nervous breakdown?

Is she all right?

Is she behind the rhino?

Is that a Members Only jacket?

Is that right? Yeah.

Is that so hard to understand?

Is that that new thing called sarcasm?

Is this outfit too "Hey, look at me"?

Is this what he really wants?

Is tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

Is, like, a stranger who isn't afraid to just be with them and play with them.

It builds their self confidence.

It can never explain your heart

It can never explain your heart

It can never tell you my thoughts

It can't be that bad.

It could be like in that movie, The Crying Game.

It is useless to resist it, his cigarette is burning

It is working.

It keeps growing every place she's been

It looks just like Klinger from M*A*S*H.

It never occurs to you that your kids are people, with their own feelings.

It ruins the whole point of going out.

It seemed so funny seeing someone like you holding up a pair of old lady trou.

It sounds like you've had some odd relationships.

It was kind of recently, actually, but it didn't work out.

It was really nice to meet you guys.

It wasn't pretty.

It won't be much longer, Mrs. Larson.

It...

It's 10: 00. We gotta go.

It's a feelin' that's fine, and I just gotta say

It's a feelin' that's fine, and I just gotta say, hey

It's a little late to be worrying about that now, don't you think?

It's a little scary.

It's a shame to let it go.

It's a vestigial tail.

It's a warm day, and the sun is just starting to set.

It's actually a very funny story.

It's all in here.

It's an invitation only acoustic set.

It's cute as a button.

It's great to meet you, sir.

It's happened before, it'll happen again.

It's Jill.

It's just that do you remember how I told you that once I had a boyfriend?

It's just, it's not nice.

It's kind of a

It's like a genetic abnormality.

It's like Hal has lowered his whole...

It's like he gave you beer goggle laser surgery.

It's me Cadence.

It's me Katrina.

It's me, Dad. Hal.

It's me, Li'iBoy.

It's me, your love bunny.

It's nice to see a girl order a real meal.

It's only gonna take a minute.

It's this flimsy ass four star restaurant.

It's true.

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

Jeez, is everybody in this city so flattering?

Jeez, man. I didn't know. What is it?

Jeez, the guy... Give the guy a break!

Jesse.

Jesus, you've got a big noggin.

Jill? Your neighbor Jill?

Just a sec, Rosemary.

Just do let this spirit survive Everybody's dancing...

Just fine.

Just hang on.

Just keep it right there at the airport.

Just like that, we're breaking up?

Just one.

Just relax. All right.

Just sit right there. I'm gonna go talk to the manager, okay?

Just talk about the same things that you talked about here tonight.

Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy

Just you leave me daughter alone.

Katrina! How the heck are ya? Give me some sugar.

Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

Kiss her till your lips are scorched

Ladies?

Later, dudes!

Let me apologize about the booth. We are so sorry.

Let me make it up to you.

Let me walk you to your car.

Let's get up, and I'll show you what to do. Yeah!

Li'iBoy. Yeah.

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office training for the last 30 days,

Like a little puppy dog.

Like a tiger on a deer, with a cloven hoof and with a broken arm!

Like Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2.

Like Rebecca Romijn Stamos, before she got Stamosed.

Like the ones on the dance floor the other night?

Like your billion dollar company,

Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first Sports Illustrated layout?

Likewise.

Likewise.

Lindy. Are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

Lindy. Lindy.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearls here.

Listen,

Listen, can you wait here one second?

Listen, I have an idea.

Listen, this is how it'll work. From this moment on,

Listen, you gotta get some decent chairs in here, man.

Look away!

Look, a man's reputation, dignity and furniture are being trashed here!

Look, exactly what did you do to him, man?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you! I just want my friend back!

Look, I got a situation here. I'll call you later.

Look, I know I'm being a little harsh on you here.

Look, I think my boy has a right to say goodbye to his father.

Look, I'm just... I'm just headed over to the East Side.

Look, I'm not blaming you, but I need an extra chair.

Look, man, I don't know what the hell was the matter with you last night.

Look, Rosemary is me daughter,

Look, that was really dumb of me.

Look. I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

Look... Um...

Looking for the two and four

Mahalo, Rosemary.

Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.

Marching along with the Dallas Cheerleaders.

Mauricio, I gotta tell you, you got issues.

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

Mauricio, it's Hal. Pick it up.

MAURICIO: Hello? Hey, mudwhistle, get dressed.

MAURICIO: Shallow Hal wants a gal.

MAURICIO: Yeah, it's true, Rosie.

Maybe for the rest of his life.

Maybe getting it cut off?

Maybe I just... I just wanted to believe that there was still a decent guy out there.

Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.

Maybe that's enough to overcome her appearance.

McIntosh's. Tiffany.

Me and Rosemary have been having some problems.

Me?

Mind if I take a little sliver?

Miss, please. I'm sorry.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. (GOBBLING)

Mom.

More than me.

Mr. Shanahan, how are you this evening?

Mrs. Larson?

MRS. SHANAHAN: Hal, let me take your plate.

My backbone is longer than it's supposed to be.

My boss's name is Steve Shanahan.

My friends are all out on the dance floor.

My girlfriend just bailed on me,

My girlfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

My grandmother's not doing so well,

My heart is calling me to the islands

My home is now a distant land

My home is now a distant land

My mom thinks I might have been a little traumatized by the whole thing.

My mother calls me Rosie.

My new book has a chapter on blurting.

My weight just seems to stay the same.

Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just...

Nah.

Nah. Nah.

Nah. Thanks, though.

Nice job, Hal. Thank you.

Nice to meet you, Hal.

Nice to meet you, too, Jill.

Nice to meet you.

Nice try, Mauricio. Where'd you find this one?

Nice...

Nicely done. I appreciate it.

Nicely done. I'll have the exact same thing.

Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again

No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

No more takeaways, expired food

No offense, Mr. Shanahan, but I think I have a right to hear this from her.

No, a tail. It's like a waggy tail.

No, come on, Hal. It's the truth.

No, I didn't. Obviously I didn't put them in a position

No, I don't know. What's that mean?

No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was... That's fine.

No, I'll remember it.

No, I'm not mad. I just...

No, I'm sorry. Jill, this... This isn't gonna happen.

No, I'm talking to the hostess. But...

No, it just stopped. That's weird.

No, it's me Katrina.

No, it's... The gal's a proven entity. What the heck you gonna do?

No, no, no. No. It's my fault. I didn't see you.

No, no, this is very special.

No, no. Come in, come in. I want you to meet Rosemary.

No, no. I'll get yours, because it would...

No, no. It was the other hostess.

No, no. It's very subtle.

No, no. My phone machine's not really working there. Did you call?

No, no. Now they got me near my home.

No, no. Pamela Anderson.

No, not exactly. Let me put it this way.

No, not really.

No, really. I can't.

No, sir. I'm the lucky one.

No, we work together at the Foundation Fighting Blindness.

No, you don't wanna see it.

No!

No!

No? No.

No? Why not?

No.

No.

No.

No. Haven't you heard the phrase,

No. I dehypnotized him. He's been hypnotized his whole life.

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers,

No. No, no.

No. No, no. I don't think that's such a good idea.

No. Not a Clapton fan.

No. Second table on the right.

No. That's just it.

No. Why would I?

No. Why?

No. You hypnotized him.

Not at all. 'Cause I know they'd be wrong.

Not even the courtesy of a severance pop.

Not if you don't mind bunions on your knuckles.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Not just talk about it. Here's what I want you to do.

Nothing.

Nothing. I just can't believe how lucky I am.

Nothing. Why? Can I get a lift?

Nothing's ever good enough. Nothing measures up.

Now do you believe in the one big sign?

Now do you believe in the one big sign?

Now his hat is on backwards, he can show you his tattoos

Now that I've found you I can't let you go

Now today is tomorrow, and tomorrow today

Now wait a second.

Now you've told me that you wanna leave me

Now, I wouldn't be working you too hard, would I?

Now, isn't there some kind of word or phrase or something

Now, it seems like by taking the second road, he's missing out on a lot.

Now, thankfully, as it turns out, there is a guy out there.

Now, you got a pattern of looking at women and judging them by the exterior.

Now, you've got ambition, Hal, and I admire that.

NURSE: I heard she was moved to another room.

Nurse?

Of course. But if we do that,

Of my lips

Oh, and by the way,

Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes

Oh, come on. Don't be such a stiff.

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me. Let's just keep it casual.

Oh, come on. That sounds like a bunch of New Age hooey.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

Oh, cool. I used to know a deaf guy.

Oh, cool. I want to go first.

Oh, did you see the toe?

Oh, fine. Pack it up.

Oh, go on.

Oh, God. There she is. There's Rosemary.

Oh, Hal, just let it go.

Oh, hey, Jill. Rosemary, this is my neighbor Jill.

Oh, hey. Hi. I'm glad I caught you

Oh, how come you're not out there spanking the planks with 'em?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker on your sailboat, right?

Oh, I see. And what about Marie?

Oh, I'm doing great. You're looking good. So, what can I do you for?

Oh, I'm sorry. Hal.

Oh, it's a tragedy.

Oh, it's excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious. She golfs every afternoon.

Oh, man, yeah. So what do we... Hang on.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. It really does wag.

Oh, man. One nothing, Rosemary. I told you she was good.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd.

Oh, my God. You're beautiful.

Oh, my poor baby.

Oh, no, I didn't.

Oh, no! God, are you okay?

Oh, no. Did I do something? No.

Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just coming by to say hi to the kids.

Oh, okay.

Oh, rainfalls and hard times coming, they won't leave me tonight

Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girl with the toe.

Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, thank you. It was delicious.

Oh, totally. If you can get away with it, more power to ya.

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Oh, well, she left early. She seemed upset about something.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing? Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Hal. He was a great guy. Yes.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, you're out of your mind!

Oh! Anything to do with dogs, I melt.

Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Oh. Glad you're here, kiddo.

Oh. Helping granny. Cool.

Oh. Hi, Cadence.

Oh. No, I get it. Very funny.

Oh. On?

Oh. Well, is he in a lot of pain?

Oh. What a surprise.

Okay, first of all, you're probably the only person in the free world

Okay, hypothetical situation.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

Okay, Rosie, we'll be at the table.

Okay, sure. Send her in.

Okay, think it's time to turn down the morphine drip.

Okay, Tony, I think you're getting a little cabin fever.

Okay, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

Okay, yeah. I should get your number, then.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Are you okay, sweetie?

Okay. But could you release Helga so she can get back to work?

Okay. I think I'm gonna go send little Hal in now.

Okay. Let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right?

Okay. You have a problem with compliments?

On the surface, but when you get to know her better,

Only about 70 people, tops.

Only when I'm nervous or happy.

Ooh, toughie.

Oops.

Open a bottle of wine, maybe watch a video.

Or that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers.

Or your $20 million Lear Jet and your Picasso out in the front hall.

Other people agreeing that it's real.

Ow.

Peace Corps.

Peace Corps. Wow.

People like me?

Perhaps irreparably! For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

Please! With a mug like that?

Please? We'll go out just as friends.

Pop some bolts on her neck,

Pop the cork, a champagne glass

Possibly interpret what she sees in the mirror to be anything other than that?

Potato chips. And dip.

President Clinton? Mandela? No, no, no.

Pretty boy Ralph?

Pretty girls are not funny!

Put her down.

Put on lipstick.

Raise to the future, drink to the past

Ralph, if you ever... If you ever mess up and make her unhappy,

Ralph!

Re up? What, are you in the army?

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Right there.

Right this way, please.

Right where?

Right! I mean, I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Right.

Right. Okay, then.

Right. That would be me.

Rosemary and I aren't back together.

Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

Rosemary, don't steal my lines.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

Rosemary, this is Jen and Artie. Hi.

Rosemary, you sure you're okay?

ROSEMARY: Hal, open up. It's me.

Rosemary!

Rosemary? Is that you?

Rosemary. Bye.

Rosemary. Turned out to be a total psycho.

Rosie, honey.

Rosie?

Rosie. Wait a second.

Say bye bye. Bye bye.

Saying something about a queen

Scared?

Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

Secondly, that halo around his head, it's called psoriasis.

See if she wants to get a drink.

See that little number? She's with me.

See, I figured you weren't from around here. Where you from?

See, the problem is I'm kinda picky.

See, you could get any woman you desired

Seeing as how you worked so hard to become

Seriously?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

She ain't got no money, her clothes are kinda funny

She has coffee cans.

She is an amazing lady.

She looked more like a catfish.

She said

She should be doing Keebler commercials.

She should be here any minute.

She sounds hot!

She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

She talks kind of lazy, people say she's crazy

She told me she knew she wasn't that good looking.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

She's funny, she's smart, she teaches self esteem to sick kids.

She's having a bit of trouble getting you on the telephone the last couple of days.

She's hostessing until 11:00.

She's just saying you're not that good looking.

She's not. I'm dumping her.

She's really got a magical spell

She's really got a magical spell

She's right there!

She's way too pretty to be so nice.

She's... Here you go.

Shh.

Shit. Look who's here.

Should we get going?

Since she was two.

Since when do you care about your gut?

Sir, don't you think it's wrong to brainwash someone?

Sir, I'm the only hostess in the restaurant.

Sir?

Sit yourself down.

Size 16, buddy.

So don't give up, baby

So don't give up, baby

So has there been a time when you were especially shallow?

So he kind of grew on you, huh?

So I asked him out.

So I dragged him up here and threw him on the slopes.

So I just figure, what the hell? I'm gonna eat what I want.

So I took a year off from school to help her out.

So I'd like you to do something for me. Okay.

So I've decided.

So Robbins gave you free therapy while you were in the elevator?

So what are you doing here?

So what you're saying is all the pretty girls I've met lately are not really pretty?

So what? You think everyone who goes out...

So where's this mystery girl?

So you'll respond to that.

So you're in?

So, are they your roommates, or...

So, are you, like, the last member?

So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

So, do you know if Ralph is in the office?

So, Hal Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favor.

So, I didn't expect to see you here.

So, nice catching up.

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and Walt were, you know, seeing each other.

So, what are you doing in my town?

So, what are you doing right now?

So, what are you guys doing up here?

So, what are you up for?

So, what do you do for a living, Rosemary?

So, what'd you think?

So, what'd you wanna talk to me about?

So, what's up?

So, wow! You gave advice to whatchamacallit.

Some of them are dog shit, you know,

Some people drink Pepsi, some people drink Coke

Someone like me?

Sometimes they're ugly so long,

Sorry I'm late.

Sorry?

Sorry.

Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

Spanking the planks. (SNORTS)

Speak for yourself, my friend.

Steel.

Steve! Shut up.

Straight ahead. Across the field.

Such a great personality.

Sure, but I gotta catch a plane.

Sure, it was first rate.

Sure.

Sure. I mean...

Sure. Yeah? Come on, big fella.

Sweetie, are you okay?

Take a bite of this apple, Mr. Corporate Events

Take a walk through the jungle of cardboard shanties and tents

Tanya.

Taxi!

Thank the Lord for the friends he cast

Thank the Lord for the friends he cast

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hey.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks for noticing.

Thanks. I am.

Thanks. Yeah.

That I can't get away

That I love her endlessly

That made my life what it is

That made my life what it is

That no matter what you do in life,

That no one can get through

That was floating on the breeze

That was good?

That was harsh. I don't need this shit.

That was him.

That was nice of you.

That we share

That will put you in good stead with the Lord.

That's a matter of debate.

That's a toughie.

That's it? You're breaking up over that?

That's it.

That's it. Excellent.

That's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to...

That's my father's name.

That's okay.

That's right. He's official.

That's right. Laugh it up, fellas.

That's very altrudocious of you.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

That's why they call it a quip. Not a slowp.

The attraction part happens way later. Whoa!

The Beatles?

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.

The calf merged with the foot, cut out the middleman.

The cow came home.

The cowboy?

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery! No doctor will touch it!

The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime

The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime

The jig is up, and she knows it!

The kisser kisses as much as they can until the lipstick comes off.

The look on your face

The more you eat, the more you toot.

The musical fruit.

The nice ones'll sometimes throw you that.

The personality had to develop out of necessity.

The pleasure is mine, Mrs. Shanahan.

The point is, only a company with a solid reputation like JPS

The Reverend's not exactly himself.

The rise and fall of Mary Ellen's hairdo

The score's Hal two, mall rats zero.

The ugly self image is so well ingrained. That's a real find.

The wacky morning deejay says democracy's a joke

The waiter told me what happened.

The whole l walk on all fours so l own the world thing.

Then at the IHOP, those hotties were even hotter,

Then I'm going last.

Then puts you back under. Good idea.

Then she dumped me. Flat out.

Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.

Then you want me to change

There were peasants singin' and drummers drummin'...

There'll be no more pain for your husband. He's heavily sedated.

There's a couple of belt buckles I recognize.

There's a difference. It's called reality.

There's a little spark in the beginning, but for most,

There's a lot left 'cause the little guy couldn't finish his meal.

There's a pair of panties I recognize. How ya doing, Deb?

There's a whole other story goin' on.

There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that. Come on, I need you now.

There's no need to ask directions if you ever lose your mind

There's something about her hand holdin' mine

These are my Peace Corps buddies.

These are the days of empty kitchens

These aren't visiting hours.

They don't have anything you can catch.

They fit like a glove or what?

They just started going out. Oh, there he is.

They really get old fast.

They turn pretty and don't realize it.

They were funny, smart and nice.

They wouldn't equal one of her.

They're a little big, aren't they?

They're back together, and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

They're in an economic meltdown.

Things are going in the shitter.

Things haven't felt the same lately.

Things Losers Say.

Think about that. Ready?

Think I'll pass.

Third party perspective.

This girl who's coming to meet me here is in incredible.

This guy here is Hal. And he's really funny.

This has nothing to do with me and Ralph.

This has taken a lot out of me.

This is a nice street you live on.

This is how it is

This is just between you and me.

This is my friend Hal.

This is my world

This is Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is Hal Larson.

This is Rosemary Shanahan. Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.

This is who I am

This is your cab. No, I'm gonna get the next cab.

This one that you're dating now... Jeez.

This seems crazy.

This wall in your heart

Till the rain comes down on you

To be anyone else

To ease the pain.

To end your fears I guess I couldn't live without the things

To ever refer to Ralph as a "pretty boy."

To give me love like you

To have so much to lose. That's nice.

To make your life better

To resist it is useless, it is useless to resist it

To take the whammy off him?

Tonight everything is over

Tonight everything is over...

Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.

Trust me, whatever you're doing, it's working.

TV, magazines, movies, they all tell you what's beautiful, what isn't.

Two beers.

Ugly duckling syndrome. She probably wasn't pretty till high school.

Uh huh?

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh uh.

Uh, is this kind of like what you do in your seminars?

Uh!

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Uh...

Um, I was just talking to the hostess.

Um, Ralph called me.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Uncle Larry's hooked on ice again

Used to what?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki! Who's Vicki?

Vicki? I thought that was a guy. I was calling her Vic!

Wait a second. Are you for real?

Walt!

Wanna take a little ride

Want a plate?

Want anything?

Want something from the snack bar?

We are building a religion

We are building a religion we are building it bigger

We are building a religion, a limited edition

We are building a religion, we are making a brand

We are building it bigger

We are now accepting callers for these pendant key chains

We are widening the corridors and adding more lanes

We are widening the corridors and adding more lanes

We can send a car to find you if you ever lose your way

We could have had more things in common if I'd wanted to.

We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.

We gotta break that pattern. All right.

We gotta jolt your nervous system.

We had nothing in common, remember?

We just get Tony Robbins back here,

We love you, Rosie.

We shared the cab together.

We were at the beach.

We were. It's just, you know, Hal, I'm not used to all this.

We'd be the number one firm in the country.

We're behind you, we're behind you

We're doing a seminar here.

We're going out.

We're not arguing that. No.

We're sitting there, you know, and she's got her bare...

We're the only ones to turn to when your castles turn to sand

We're too late. The food's probably all gone.

We're two friends walking. Just walking. Hey, come on.

We've replaced your date's side with a new chair, a strong one,

Weak. So weak.

Well, a thank you will do just fine.

Well, couldn't she get the toe filed down or something?

Well, for instance, I like 'em real young.

Well, frankly, I guess I thought you were shallow.

Well, get the fuck out.

Well, Hal, now's your chance.

Well, he was also my division leader in Sierra Leone.

Well, hey...

Well, however it is you took it,

Well, I could squeeze 'em. That's real enough for me.

Well, I could use a drink.

Well, I dreamed I saw the knights in armor coming

Well, I got news for you, Cadence.

Well, I guess I'll see ya. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I guess timing's everything.

Well, I had one boyfriend.

Well, I stopped by your office to say hi, but you just took off running.

Well, I'll call you in the morning and see how you're doing.

Well, I'm meeting with me executive committee Monday morning,

Well, I'm more than just a little embarrassed, having said what I said.

Well, I've been thinking a lot.

Well, it better be goodbye!

Well, it was too good to be true.

Well, it's just that Rosemary's been telling me that

Well, it's not so bad.

Well, let's put it this way.

Well, maybe you had a little something to do with that.

Well, no.

Well, nothing fancy, you understand.

Well, now I know.

Well, now, as to your meeting in there.

Well, put it this way. If I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

Well, she hasn't returned my calls. What's going on?

Well, thank you.

Well, thanks for lunch, Hal.

Well, that face, but with better headlights.

Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.

Well, then how come I don't have any say in this thing?

Well, then maybe you can explain to me why that robust woman

Well, then you won't forget my name.

Well, we got a long drive back, so...

Well, we were never going out. We just had one date.

Well, while you're here in town, I mean, you know...

Well, why don't you go buy her a present and then maybe you can make up?

Well, yeah.

Well, you didn't really break it off.

Well, you're all right in my book, too, Hal.

Well, your call.

Well, your timing is terrible.

Well...

Were a couple of carp, too?

What about you? Do you gamble?

What am I gonna do?

What are those for?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you, some kind of psycho?

What book?

What did I miss?

What do you mean, like a story?

What do you mean, picky?

What do you say we slide around the side here?

What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?

What does that mean?

What happened to you?

What happened to you?

What happened to you? Excuse me?

What happened yesterday?

What happened? Well, let's just say

What in the name of all that is holy?

What in... How did...

What is he doing here?

What number?

What the hell are you doin', banana hands?

What the hell are you doing here?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell was that?

What the hell... What the hell is that you've got on?

What thing?

What thing?

What we do is we put on the lipstick.

What were you doing?

What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

What, you got the promotion?

What, your other boyfriends aren't nice to you?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Are you crazy? You look great.

What? Come on!

What? I thought... I thought we were having a good time.

What? No, I'm just saying, you know.

What? Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

What? What are you talking about?

What? You and Ralph? Carabas?

What's goin' on? Are you mad?

What's going on, Hal?

What's his girlfriend like?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's the matter?

What's the matter? You have a problem with Walt?

What's the matter? You sound upset.

What's the occasion?

What's this shit made out of, anyway?

What's up? Li'iBoy.

What's your name, beautiful?

What's your relationship like with your parents?

When are you gonna get it? They're just well formed molecules.

When he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide.

When he found out it was a guy, it didn't matter,

When I first met Rosemary,

When I found out what he did,

When I said, "Shallow Hal wants a gal," you were cured.

When I was getting pummeled in gym class by a bunch of barking seniors!

When the guy fell in love with a beautiful woman?

When you first meet him, it is kind of jarring.

When you're not around

Whenever I get down

Whenever I get down

Whenever I get weary

Whenever I get weary

Whenever you meet someone in the future,

Where they had to promote me. It's a good lesson.

Where to, my friends?

Where?

Where's your new girl Loni?

Wherever you may go

Whether the news be good or bad.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Which is why I'm going with you.

Which is?

Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

While you banged a few fatties and got it out of your system.

Who are you?

Who says they're ugly?

Who went out for the hockey team. It was funny as shit.

Who... Hal, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs. Shanahan.

Who's as nice, and loyal, and generous as you could have such a huge flaw.

Who's the all time love of your life?

Whoa, Rosemary. You're starting to scare me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal. What are you talking about?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.

Whoo!

Why do you need five days?

Why don't we get all this food to go? Why?

Why don't we get out of here? Okay.

Why don't we go around back, get a little drink?

Why don't you tell him some of your ideas?

Why not? It's only 9:00.

Why not? Things okay with you guys?

Why the sudden thaw?

Why would anybody be afraid of 'em?

Why?

Why?

Will help JPS and all of our customers.

With a perfect can

With all the painkillers,

With my luck, you'll lose mine, so...

Won't you be putting something else on, darlin'?

Wonder Woman.

Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?

Wow, I can see where Rosemary gets her figure.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts!

Wow. Do they still got you out in Sierra Leone?

Wow. Have you ever thought about, you know,

Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

Yah yah yah yah.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

Yeah, but I don't.

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with all the stuff on it.

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with all the stuff on it.

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which reminds me, I gotta meet him for lunch.

Yeah, hold on. Will you guys excuse me?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I'll check into that.

Yeah, I'll just have a cup of joe. That'd be great. Thanks.

Yeah, let's take this one.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. I'm probably more immature than you,

Yeah, the hostess said that you seemed a little cuckoo. So, come on, open up!

Yeah, this is my street. You want to come up?

Yeah, we'll blend in.

Yeah, well, just the dogs.

Yeah, well, that's probably what I should be ordering, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to lose a couple of lbs.

Yeah, yeah. It's just, I feel a little lightheaded.

Yeah, you look like you've been working out.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, man!

Yeah! That was my girl.

Yeah?

Yeah? And you cleaned up?

Yeah? Can I get you a drink?

Yeah? How goes that?

Yeah? Oh, yes.

Yeah? Want me to go get a bottle?

Yeah? Well, you should get it welded better in the corners!

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. (SNORTS)

Yeah. A little too okay, if you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. And here he comes.

Yeah. And then... Check this out.

Yeah. But I don't think I should.

Yeah. Can I get a double pizza burger,

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song Who Let the Dogs Out?

Yeah. How ya doing?

Yeah. I know. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I'm a little embarrassed but

Yeah. Ralph!

Yeah. See, why did you shut me out in the first place?

Yeah. So...

Yeah. Sure. Great.

Yeah. That's 'cause it is.

Yeah. That's funny.

Yeah. That's the one.

Yeah. That's third floor.

Yeah. Well, I should probably rack out.

Yeah. Well, not the real Beatles,

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir. Why?

Yeah. You got a light?

Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

Yeah. You struck me as this kind of superficial dickwad.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I remember Katrina. But the thing is, you're not...

Yes, Reverend Larson?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

Yes.

Yes. And it's a great job.

Yes. And, Rosemary, you'd better be looking after me lad.

Yes. Two double cheeseburgers, bacon, one with relish.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Yes. Yes.

You are a jackass.

You are off the charts adorable. Do you know that?

You better be good to her.

You bump into pretty boy Ralph on Friday, the sparks are flying,

You can cut out the act now.

You can dress up like a sultan in your onion head hat

You can have your pick of the other two.

You can meet at his location but you better come with cash

You can't make a comeback after eight seconds.

You can't stand near him without getting flaked on.

You can't trust people if you're looking for a fair deal.

You could have the most beautiful women in the world?

You could've just said no, but you went the extra mile.

You did the right thing. We were going nowhere.

You do not.

You do. That's why...

You don't have to apologize.

You don't have to snack on carp anymore.

You don't need me

You don't need me. You'll be so busy, you won't think about me.

You don't think picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way?

You don't?

You get it?

You got a great girl, and you deserve her.

You got it.

You got it.

You got me.

You got me. That was... No, that was good.

You got more style than Mr. Blackwell.

You got three seconds. Five, tops.

You gotta get in here and look at this turd.

You guys are making fun of me 'cause I'm a little pudgy?

You guys, thanks for the cake. You didn't have to do this.

You had me at "Get lost."

You have no right to be here.

You have what?

You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately?

You know she was wrong for you.

You know what I mean. Someone like that.

You know what? I bet you're right.

You know what? I know what you're doing here.

You know, at the place.

You know, I wanted to like you. I truly did.

You know, I've read about people like you.

You know, my uncle's name is Cadence.

You know, one last...

You know, the heart thing.

You know, there are a few times in a guy's life,

You know, to go out. Maybe like tomorrow.

You know, we could...

You like puppy dogs, do you?

You live right across the hall.

You look happy.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

You messed with his eyesight, right? No.

You might want to pick it up.

You must be fighting 'em off daily.

You must do pretty good with the ladies.

You never called me back.

You okay?

You okay?

You really hurt me.

You remember Li'iBoy?

You saw a woman, thought you were better than she was?

You say okay?

You screwed me! I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman,

You see that little fox out there?

You see? If I can't even get my best friend to accept it,

You seem to know him better than I do, so...

You self righteous little shit!

You should be sorry! It's an outrage!

You should have gotten it. You deserved it.

You spend a lifetime looking for somebody

You superachievers with your impossible standards.

You sure you don't want a dog?

You swear to God you're not gonna laugh?

You think I got as far as I did in me life by bein' a fool?

You think it's like a puppy dog?

You think they're just an extension of you,

You two know each other?

You wanna see a splash? I'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?

You want a young Paulina type?

You want me to change

You want to pet the little fella?

You were incredible in there. You were. You were so amazing.

You were probably buying 'em for someone close to you, right? And I insulted them.

You were right.

You weren't irresistible to women.

You will never, ever settle for average.

You'll need, like, the Jaws of Life to get that image out of your head.

You're dumping Loni?

You're feeling her spirit.

You're going out with Jill?

You're gonna love him.

You're inventing reasons to dump girls 'cause you're afraid.

You're just a bit fixated on people's appearances.

You're just a bunch of phonies like my Uncle Cadence.

You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?

You're not?

You're only gonna see what's inside them.

You're out of your mind. Do you know that?

You're pulling in what, 28, 29 G's a year?

You're scared.

You're seeing her soul.

You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

You're the only girl I've ever loved.

You're the perfect catch.

You're welcome.

You're welcome. Sure. What's your name?

You've been really cool.

You've got her all up...

Young tail.

Your father is my boss.

Your old boyfriend Ralph?

Your phone number. What do you think?

Your PIN number, I want your money!

Your table's ready. John will seat you.

Yup, I'm officially retired and on the prowl.

Yup. This is exactly what you did with the knockout with the weird frinkly toe.

100,000 people need medical supplies and food, and they want me to help.

'cause he already loved her.

'Cause he thinks it turns on all the ladies

'Cause I can't take it anymore

'Cause I do feel more confident.

'cause I'm waiting for this re up thing to come through.

'Cause if you are, I gotta see this.

'Cause it makes me uncomfortable.

'Cause it's not really me

'Cause it's not really me This is my world

'Cause there's a wall in your heart

'Cause your dad has that weird accent.

'cause, she's been sick, and...

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

"indispensable" to the company.

(AFTER THE GOLD RUSH PLAYING)

(BABY, NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU PLAYING)

(BARKING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COMFORT EAGLE PLAYING)

(COMFORT EAGLE PLAYING)

(COUGHING)

(COUNTRYSIDE WITH YOU PLAYING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(FLATLINE TONE)

(FLY BUZZES)

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS) Sorry.

(I THINK OF YOU PLAYING)

(IRISH ACCENT) Would you look at who's here now?

(KIDS GIGGLE)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

(KNOCKING)

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?

(LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEMBERS ONLY PLAYING)

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(NORMAL ACCENT) Coming.

(PAGER BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE RINGS) One sec. McIntosh's.

(ROSEMARY CHUCKLES)

(ROSEMARY GASPS)

(ROSEMARY GIGGLES)

(ROY'S TOY PLAYING)

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) No.

(SINGING) Feels like longer than forever, yeah

(SLURPING)

(SNARLS)

(SNICKERS)

(SNORTS)

(SOBBING) Daddy.

(SOBS)

(SUMMER DAYS PLAYING)

(SWEET MISTAKES PLAYING)

(THIS IS MY WORLD PLAYING)

(THIS IS MY WORLD PLAYING)

(TOO YOUNG PLAYING)

(TOXIC GIRL PLAYING)

(UNDER BREATH) Hey, they don't have

(WHIMPERS)

(WHISPERING) We'll club her. No.

(WHISTLES)

$29,500.