The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013) Edit

A disappearing handkerchief.

A Magical Friendship."

A Magical Friendship."

A magician? You call that a magician? You actually enjoy that?

A man who left behind the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas stardom...

A nice view.

A world where you can astonish and enchant those around you.

A, made the floor too slanty, food kept sliding off the plates...

Aah! Jeez!

Aah! Where did it go?

Aah! Your face got me right in the knee.

Aah.

Abra, abracabadbra

Abra, abracabadbra

Abra, abracabadbra

Abra, abracabadbra

Abra, abracabadbra

Abra, abracabadbra I wanna reach out and grab ya

Abra, abracabadbra I wanna reach out and grab ya

Abra, abracadabra

Abra, abracadabra

Abra, abracadabra

Abra, abracadabra

Abracabadbra

Abracadabra

After what I did to you at The Hot Box...

Agh, that is tight. Ugh.

Ah, there it is. The enchanted notebook.

Ah!

Ah! Heh.

Ah.

Ah. All right.

Ah. God. Let me tell you about Steve Gray.

Ah. I love it!

Ah. That's better.

Ahead of my time.

Ahh! God, that was close.

Ahh.

Alakazam!

Alakazam!

Alakazam!

All right, Burt.

All right, Burt...

All right, here we go. Here we go.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Now, to entertain the children...

All right, without further delay...

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Heh.

All right. Very proud of you.

All that guys does is mumble and cut himself. Anybody can do that.

Always have been, always will be.

Amazing!

An empty top hat. Perfectly normal.

An enchanted notebook, with leather and buckles.

And a little less adorable.

And after dinner, check out the Incredible Burt & Anton...

And another thing! Why don't you get in the tub?

And Anton needs Burt.

And do you also give them food and clean water?

And for you.

And I am very pleased to announce...

And I don't have to defend myself to you.

And I don't want to work with you.

And I saw my kids being born.

And I was sure this was gonna be a disaster.

And I was wondering, would you like to see it tonight...

And I watched the instructional video for the very first time.

And I'll always be grateful to him for showing me my first trick.

And I'll always be your friend.

And I'll hold my poop. For 24 hours.

And I'll see you next month at the showcase. Ha, ha.

And I'm Anton Marvelton.

And I'm Anton Marvelton.

And if we get this gig, we'd like you to join us.

And if you follow my instructions, they'll love you too.

And if you like steakhouses...

And in a few weeks, I myself will be hosting a showcase of Vegas' hottest acts.

And in case you haven't noticed...

And no longer special in any way.

And now, to follow that act...

And people love new.

And some not so old.

And that brings us to our profile tonight.

And that I always called you Nicole, even though I knew your name was Jane.

And that I was so unprofessional.

And that's why we call it:

And the birthday boy. When was the last time you cleaned behind your ears?

And the rings. Remember the rings?

And this is testosterone.

And what's worse, you're a really bad magician.

And when people love something, it becomes valuable.

And you and Burt Wonderstone plan to stay in the box an entire week?

And you are...?

And you don't know who he is.

And, yes. Oh, there's another one!

Anton, what could possibly go wrong?

Anton. Lucius Belvedere. Rick the implausible.

Anyone? Anyone?

Appreciate it. You seem like an open minded crowd.

Are you being serious? What's a webis...? It's a show that you do on the Internet.

Are you sure about that, Judah? Are you sure about anything?

Are you telling me that I don't have any money?

As a matter of fact, I have a very important international gala...

As it was in the beginning...

As many of you know, my new hotel, Doug, will be opening soon.

As our opening act.

Ash! Wow!

Awesome. Ta da.

Baby

Be there for the final hour of Steve Gray's incredible stunt.

Because everybody loves a magician.

Because everyone loves a magician.

Because I make a shitload of money off them in the casino.

Because I think I hear something moving...

Because it's new.

Because Judah has the grodiest ear of all!

Because now Burt and Anton are going to make all of you...

Because that is what a magical friendship is all about.

Behind you.

Behold.

Better off without him.

Better.

Big giant props.

Biggest bed in Vegas.

Boring!

Bring it!

Bring it.

Bun?

Bun?

Bun?

Burt Wonderstone.

Burt, Anton! Congratulations! You got the gig. I don't know how you did it.

Burt, are you here?

Burt, stop.

Burt! Burt, how are you?

Burt! Stop it!

Burt. Burt. I want you to come work for me. Here, at Bally's.

Business acumen and ideas and friendship. Pfft!

But as some of you may know, we recently had a falling out.

But I don't have a...

But I doubt you've seen anyone...

But I need you to do one thing for me.

But I played them a little differently than the other kids.

But I'll be there.

But I'll tell you what. That kid? That kid is your biggest fan.

But I'm going to be charging 70% more for everything.

But I'm not here for applause.

But I've been doing it for over three days now and, frankly, I'm bored.

But my inner child is hungry...

But no, no. He told me he wanted you:

But they're riddled with lice.

But what about your work with the poor?

But, of course, you already knew that.

But, of course, you already knew that.

But, of course, you already knew that.

Bye.

Can I be a magician when I grow up?

Can I see Wonderstone for a second?

Can we do one show without this bitch fest?

Can you have Mr. Trump call me back?

Careful not to spill.

Case in point. You.

Celebrity impersonators.

Certainly not human.

Chin up, Burt. Bad things don't happen to us, they happen for us.

Cloak.

Combine the mix with two tablespoons of oil and two eggs.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, hit me as hard as you can.

Come on, let's sweat

Come on, Rance, it'll be fun.

Come on. Let's split.

Congratulations.

Congratulations. You are truly brave.

Could we get a towel for him, please? Dab it down.

Could you take any more time making the switch?

Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy! He crushed my dog!

Did I misread the situation?

Did they laugh? Were they amazed?

Did you just actually call me by my real name?

Did you like that? Of course you did.

Did you really think I wanted to be a magician's assistant?

Do it again!

Do you have any gigs coming up?

Do you know any other tricks?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you mind if I ask you something?

Do you remember what that was?

Do you remember why you became a magician?

Do you see me blinking? I'm not blinking!

Do you think this batch is ready?

Do you think this batch is ready?

Don't crumple it.

Don't think so. I'm not looking for a partner.

Don't worry about that.

Don't worry, I have plenty for everybody.

Don't you worry about it.

Dorothy. His mother's name is Dorothy.

Doug Munny asked me to perform at his kid's birthday party.

Drilling a hole in my head.

Everybody dance now

Everybody! Come on, let's sweat

Everything's in perfect alignment.

Excellent.

Excuse us.

Fair enough. Welcome to Bally's, boys.

Feels like there's something in there.

Female volunteer. Let's see who we have.

Fine! Any hotel in Vegas would kill to have Burt Wonderstone.

For 12 long days, he's held his urine.

For a very long time!

For example, if I were to say to the man in the second row aisle seat:

For ten years, I played the biggest room in Vegas.

From Chicago, Brain Rapist.

Get it off! Get off!

Give him to me.

Give me the dog. Give me that dog!

Go ahead and open that.

Go ahead. Yeah. Ahem.

Go, go, go!

Go! Go!

Goddamn you.

Goddamn, that's the worst thing I ever saw in my life.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Burt Wonderstone.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Burt Wonderstone.

Good evening. For 15 years, Anton and I did a little show called:

Good, because you don't have us.

Good.

Good. Bad.

Goodbye, Burt.

Goodbye, loser.

Goodbye, Rance.

Got it. My cell phone number's on there.

Gotta get permission. We talked about that.

Grace, I'm Burt.

Great to see you, Steve. Thanks for coming.

Great.

Guys, no.

Ha ha ha. Wait.

Happy birthday, Judah.

Happy birthday, little man.

Happy for you guys.

Happy for you.

Have a seat.

Have you ever been to a party...

Have you heard of this Steve Gray guy?

He has gone to a better place.

He owns that. He owns it.

He should be dead. Right now, he's got more urine than blood.

He totally nailed you with that fireball, man.

He was just a weight around my legs.

He was like a brother to me.

He was my best friend.

He'll be here. All right.

He's forcing it on you.

He's gonna guess wrong twice and then tell you the card's in your pocket.

He's made it this far, but will he last?

He's touching me where it doesn't feel good.

He's... Well, he's homely.

Heh.

Hello, my young friends. I'm Rance Holloway.

Hello, my young friends. I'm Rance Holloway.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. How are you?

Hello. I haven't seen you around.

Help me. Help me.

Help us!

Here at Bally's, you'll be pampered like an enormous baby.

Here you go, young man.

Here you go.

Hey, ahem, Jimbo! Hey, there you go. Sprinkle the infield there.

Hey, any chance I can get you to sign something for me?

Hey, everybody. Watch this, everyone.

Hey, guys. Check this out.

Hey, here you go.

Hey, Jim, I think you've got something in your pocket.

Hey, not there!

Hey, pal. Cardigan.

Hey, remember my games of Hangman?

Hey, wait a minute. What's "The Disappearing Audience"?

Hey, Weinselstein.

Hey, when did you guys get here?

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hey. What if you put a plastic bag of water in the hidden compartment?

Hi, Jane. Rance Holloway.

Hi, kids! Here you go.

Hi.

His name is Anton Marvelton.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Mm.

Hmm. Right there.

Hold on a minute, Steve. You're telling us you don't know who Rance Holloway is?

Hold on, Burt! Breathe, Burt!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, Anton.

Hold on, hold on.

Honestly, how did you do that with the bird?

Horrible gruel. I imagine this is what prisoners eat.

How about a round of applause?

How about that, huh?

How about that?

How about the millions you put into that theme restaurant.

How are you?

How do these work again?

How do you make an entire audience disappear without them being in on it?

How in the hell did you ever perform on a Las Vegas stage?

How...?

How'd it go? Did you do the tricks?

How'd...?

How'd...?

Hup.

Hurry up! Unh!

I 29.

I almost ate one of my rabbits.

I already did.

I am Burt Wonderstone.

I am impatient, Anton, because I have to share a cloak with a sweaty walrus man.

I am in need of rabbit food and birdseed.

I am incredible.

I am not holding my piss!

I better let the pressure off.

I came to visit my grandmother.

I can't believe I'm really making out with Burt Wonderstone.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe!

I can't remember the last time I saw you two together offstage.

I can't tell you what that means to me.

I can't understand you.

I could feel it all the way in the back row...

I didn't do very many card tricks. I mostly worked with big giant props.

I didn't say I don't know who he is.

I didn't think you wanted to be my friend anymore.

I don't believe I have had the pleasure.

I don't care which Hilton. Nicky will do.

I don't eat from that tree.

I don't enjoy any of this shit.

I don't get it. I don't understand how you can work for Steve Gray.

I don't know where that's coming from. Who would do that?

I don't know, we should probably go check it out. Like, as a group? Bunch of friends?

I don't know.

I don't know. Check it.

I don't know. Check it.

I don't know. He's turning something, and we're having a little party at the house...

I don't need a partner. I never needed a partner, certainly not Anton.

I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much fun as they tell you in the brochures.

I don't think I'm ready to take on that. I'm not rehearsed.

I don't understand.

I don't want to get killed. I want to kill on...

I entertain the residents.

I feel bad for anyone who has to follow that act.

I gather from that I'm supposed to pass out now?

I go to places where the children have neither food nor clean water...

I got you some bark. And you're gonna eat it.

I guess you could say that this trick started 30 years ago on my birthday...

I guess you could stay here for a night. Do you know where I live?

I had imaginary friends, and even they were mean, so, heh...

I had to give up my suite, so I was wondering if I might be able...

I had to work a double shift again, but I love you very much. Mom.

I had your magic kit as a kid. You're the reason I became a magician.

I have a question for you. Don't you wish you had a quarter for every time...

I have a whole magic kit at home.

I have it. I have it. I have it. It's right here.

I have millions of ideas for tricks, Burt.

I haven't seen her this happy in ages.

I just realized I won't be having sex for a week.

I just want to reward you for your excellent service with this $100 bill.

I knew right then and there that I wanted to do magic.

I know this is your first show and it's all very new and fresh and exciting...

I know you're probably busy...

I know, I know. I couldn't believe it either.

I missed you so much. Oh, Burt.

I need a bigger bed.

I need you to dump Anton.

I offered him Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and Mandy Patinkin.

I only hope you're ready to face the fire!

I promised myself I was going to do this.

I provoked him and awakened his pain body.

I really have to pee, Richard.

I said "no offense." Therefore, you cannot be offended.

I said I've never heard of him.

I see it in your eyes. When you do a trick, it's like you're 80 again.

I should have explained that to you earlier.

I started Operation Presto! because I saw how much suffering there was in the world.

I suppose I could hold my poop.

I sure do, Anton. But we didn't play it quite the way the other kids did.

I sure do.

I tell you what.

I thank you.

I think I'm ready, but Rance isn't here yet. So I'm a little...

I think I've got something.

I thought that we could do some tricks together.

I told you this was a bad idea.

I traveled the world, I dined with kings.

I tried to warn them.

I understand. It's natural for a dying leaf to be frightened by the autumn wind.

I used to come visit her in Vegas...

I wanna reach out and grab ya

I wanna reach out and grab ya

I wanna reach out and grab ya

I want it.

I want to kill onstage, not have some tiger rip my hand...

I want to show you something that I think will change your mind.

I was on a stage one day and, all of a sudden, it had become rote...

I went on a date last night and one of them got jealous and ripped my face.

I wonder what this could be.

I wonder where he went.

I work with cats. Large cats.

I would need several years of... That is not an outfit.

I...

I... I actually need that.

I'll be right there.

I'll get it. Let me get that.

I'll give you a moment.

I'll give you your money back.

I'll have a large meal. I'll eat some yogurt and granola.

I'll sue them.

I'm 75.

I'm a magician.

I'm different than the other magicians you'll see tonight.

I'm giving you $100.

I'm gonna drill a hole in my head. Right here.

I'm gonna kill you, Weinselstein!

I'm gonna take Dorothy, slide her into the center of the deck...

I'm in the lobby doing the 2 to 2:30 shift. Wednesdays through...

I'm pulling my thumb off. That's not it.

I'm so happy.

I'm sorry, Doug. Anton and I are a team.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Are we hurting your performance as a walking mannequin?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been such a jerk to you.

I'm sure this is normal, but my legs are shutting down.

I'm sure you've seen people walk on red hot coals.

I'm trying to talk to Steve Wynn.

I'm very, very famous.

I've already forgiven him.

I've always kept it with me. There are some really great ideas in here.

I've always known that there was something different...

I've been a solo act for a million years and it's going pretty good.

I've been doing the switch the same way I've done it for the last 10 years.

I've been doing them all week.

I've worked long and hard to get where I am and no one's gonna stop me.

If I can do anything else for you, you have my card.

If I show you how to do the rings, will you leave me alone?

If I spend more than an hour away from my cats...

If I'd known how much fun it would be to work with a partner, I would have done it years ago.

If the phone rings and I'm on the other side of the bed, I can't get to it.

If you don't believe what you're doing, how are they gonna believe?

If you feel you should.

If you're at all squeamish, I encourage you to take shelter inside the casinos.

If, you know, by "wife and kids" I meant my ferrets.

Imagine this:

In cursive.

In fact, I'm not planning on doing any magic...

In order to accomplish this impossible feat of impossibility...

In order to achieve this impossible feat of impossibility...

Incredible. Incredible.

Instead, I want to do a little thing I call:

Into obscurity.

Is that a fountain over there? Seriously, could we turn that off?

It blows people's minds.

It exploded in his face. The whole class laughed.

It is a product of years of study and training...

It is an honor, sir.

It is monkey porn.

It is my actual flesh.

It knocks them unconscious for an hour.

It means I take people's nightmares and turn them into dream realities.

It was a good idea screwed up by a pompous ass!

It was a month ago.

It was a train wreck!

It...

It's a leaf they chew in Cambodia. It knocks them right out.

It's a lot of paperwork.

It's a release form.

It's about pulling your heart out of your chest.

It's all right.

It's an octuple king. Biggest bed in Vegas. Easily sleeps two dozen adults.

It's called "Abracadabra." And it is considered a modern classic.

It's just like being on TV or having a movie except you don't go through...

It's Mexican water, Burt.

It's not really that cute, is it?

It's okay!

It's pan roasted tilapia with squash blossoms.

It's partially deboned.

It's smaller than I thought it would be.

It's so good to see your face.

It's the card!

It's the first trick everyone learns, but I'll tell you what.

It's time for my final disappearing act.

It's velvet, Burt. You're gonna die.

It's your lavish lifestyle. Don't you understand, Burt?

James Cameron's Titanic Cafe was a great idea.

Jane, Anton and I have been talking.

Jane.

Judah is so lucky.

Judah, move your little ass.

Judah, my love...

Judah, what is your favorite animal? A mole, a sloth, a puppy?

Judah!

Just a gentle reminder. Uh, call me.

Just because I said that men are better than women?

Just giving the people what they want.

Just in case we caught you in the background. I don't want to have to pixelate your face.

Just one thing. You're gonna make the audience reappear again at the Doug, right?

Just remember, all you have to do is nothing.

Keep coming.

Kid came back, beat Anton almost to death.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Burt Wonderstone.

Ladies and gentlemen, our beautiful assistant, Nicole.

Ladies and gentlemen, our most famous illusion.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Gray!

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Gray.

Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Nicole!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Human Piñata!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Legally.

Legs facing that way, arms as if you're holding a giant pumpkin.

Let me just...

Let the music take control

Let the music take control Let the rhythm move you

Let the rhythm move you

Let's begin now with a simple illusion...

Let's go golfing. What?

Let's hear it! Ha, ha.

Let's make a puppy for Judah's birthday, shall we?

Let's see that smile. Ha ha ha.

Like your mother, Dorothy...

Listen to me, Weinselstein. Nobody likes you.

Listen. I wanted to talk to you about the show.

Live on Intense TV.

Look at it. Look at it!

Look at me. Burt Wonderstone, the greatest magician in the world...

Look at you! Look at me.

Look how big Judah's gotten.

Look who's here.

Looks like I'm the one who scored this time, you dumb jock!

Lower the crane!

Lucky guess.

Magic is the art of making people believe something...

Make me your partner.

May I see that for a minute?

Maybe if you get good grades.

Maybe you need to rehearse sitting in a box, Anton. I don't.

Meaning it's been done.

Mm hm. Mm hm, but if we teamed up, it could bring your career to the next level.

Mm mm. All right.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Ha, ha.

Mm. Mm, so good.

Mm. Wow.

Mom?

Mom? I'm home.

Move along.

Mr. Marvelton, this may be a bad idea.

My act is incredibly intricate.

My doctor says I'm dangerously close to being a girl.

My granddaughter gave that to me.

My magician's costume because I am a magician.

My niece does that. Heh.

My son's 10th birthday.

Next up, a man who lives on the cutting edge...

Nice exit line, but I'm still here.

Nicole?

Night after night after night, I am in magic hell.

No good. I can see the corner of the card.

No offense.

No way!

No, Burt, I'll always be your friend.

No, Burt!

No, I'm saying this bed is the size a dog would use, or a small child.

No, you ain't seen nothing yet.

No!

No.

No. I was gonna say cool. Kids love magic, right?

No. It's right here.

Nobody will ever like you. Do you understand that?

None taken.

Nope.

Not a problem.

Not always. Sometimes they send me to the hospital.

Not bad. But wait till they see what I have planned.

Not even me.

Not only is there rampant poverty and no fresh water...

Not really, I don't care.

Not that girls can't do magic. It's just that men are better at it.

Not Wonderstone, not you.

Now he done it.

Now look at this!

Now punch me in the face.

Now take the marker from your pocket...

Now this is Vegas, baby. Look at this crowd. This is what I'm talking about.

Now, according to my research, there's a narrow angle...

Now, do you know why I can do that?

Now, I've been informed by my medical team...

Now, of course, Judah's birthday isn't the real reason I invited you all out here today.

Now, this morning, I ate a thousand pieces of hard candy...

Now, watch this.

Now, what you may not know...

Now, what you're smelling is not barbecue, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, why do you call it The Hot Box?

Now, you're here in part because you had a falling out...

Of course. I know who you are.

Oh, and, parents, if you have small children with you...

Oh, boobies.

Oh, cool!

Oh, God, you really are broke. Five dollars?

Oh, God.

Oh, he's shooting his cable show, Brain Rapist.

Oh, hello, Nicole. I'm taking a tub.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea...

Oh, I left my drill. I left my drill out there! I left my drill!

Oh, I promised myself I wasn't gonna do this.

Oh, it was fine.

Oh, Jesus. This is disgusting.

Oh, my ankles are broken.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Burt.

Oh, my God! It's huge!

Oh, my God! There you are!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. You got me again.

Oh, okay.

Oh, one of my Bengal tigers has been getting a little bitey lately.

Oh, really? Agh!

Oh, snap!

Oh, that's not... Um.

Oh, that's nuts!

Oh, well, I don't usually sign autographs, but I suppose I can make an exception.

Oh, wow. Mr. Wonderstone. That is a tremendous honor.

Oh, yes. Listen, guys.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. See, ladies and gentlemen, along the way...

Oh. Thank you.

Oh. The bubbles seem to have dissipated.

Oh. You have, um, something in your ear.

Okay, get off.

Okay, guys, we're ready for you.

Okay, I'm just gonna head out.

Okay, maybe if you'd come to even one rehearsal...

Okay, you can stop. Don't hurt yourself.

Okay! Okay! Yeah, that was something!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Does everybody know what they're doing?

Okay. I just think we need to talk about everything because I just...

Okay. I think we should start writing down our trick ideas.

Okay. I'm sorry about that, guys.

Okay. That I objectified you, and that I always stood too close to you...

One!

Ooh! The dangling knot.

Ooh. Are you gonna do it?

Ooh. I am busy.

Or just turn it off.

Or, perhaps, a new show at your new hotel?

Our only mistakes were:

P. S. Dinner is in the fridge, and I got you your favorite cake. It's on the counter.

Pass me the salt.

People want to think what they're seeing is real magic, not a magic show.

Pick a card. Show it to the crowd and that whole deal.

Please put the card back in the deck. Do not show me the card.

Please, just calm down.

Please.

Posters.

Preheat the oven to 350...

Presto! Ha ha ha.

Pretend I'm still here and tell me all about it.

Pretty good. It's okay.

Pretty name.

Rance, let's do some tricks.

Rance.

Rance.

Really?

Really? What else?

Relax. It's only been 20 minutes.

Remember our games of Hangman, Burt?

Right!

Right.

Right.

See you in the morning!

See, Judah is turning, um...

See? When you say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad.

Shh.

Shh.

Sir, if you would do me a kindness and select one card only from this deck.

Slide that one out, you need to get the fingers, and there.

So gross.

So happy.

So I finally got this new bed that I ordered.

So I quit.

So I walked away and I never looked back.

So I'm gonna spice things up with a little pepper spray.

So I'm trying to get them off the kratom and hooked on magic instead.

So join us this Friday at 9/8 Central on Intense TV.

So like I said, I want to talk to you about performing.

So new equals valuable. Do you understand what I'm saying?

So prepare to have your brains ****d.

So then our first trick should be "Confetti Out of a Hat."

So we tricked him into pulling flash paper out of the top of a wand.

So whatever I did that was insensitive and stupid, I'm sorry.

So why did you just walk away?

So, anywho, we have a show over at Bally's...

So, Miranda, what are your hopes and dreams?

So...

So...

So...?

Some sort of grand illusion that will really blow people's minds.

Somebody could die. We can go to prison.

Somebody get me a wake up call, or I'll sleep right through!

Sometimes the roles we're forced to play in life are difficult to understand.

Sorry about that. Heh.

Sorry, sorry. Forgot my sweater.

Sorry. Guilty pleasure.

Sort of a lame puppy. I think I can do better. I'll start again.

Sounds like my wife and kids.

Steve Gray already did that.

Steve Wynn, please.

Steve, what are you doing? You're not supposed to be performing today.

Surrender, Whorethy.

Ta da.

Take your time.

Thank you, Mr. Marvelton.

Thank you, Nicoles.

Thank you, sir, for ruining the trick.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I can make a lot of liquids disappear...

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That guy's a magician? He doesn't even have a costume.

That is a terrible trick to do for children. What if they try and copy you?

That is it! I'm pulling the plug!

That trick just blew your mind, because that's what magic does.

That was a tasty little hors d'oeuvre.

That was a very classy product. High end packaging.

That was great! Thank you.

That would be dangerous and also illegal.

That's a different dog, you sick bastard. Where's the other one?

That's a lovely bracelet you have.

That's a very sick hombre.

That's crazy, man!

That's crazy.

That's for you, and you.

That's for you.

That's great. You're interesting. Follow me, please.

That's it?

That's it.

That's me and my grandmother. She was a showgirl.

That's mean. A $1 bill is a horrible tip.

That's not all.

That's not fair.

That's okay. You didn't have to get anything.

That's right, reporter. Hello.

That's Steve Gray, the street magician.

That's swelling up pretty quick.

That's where I perform such tricks as "Skateboarding Ghost"...

That's why he's a star, ladies and gentlemen! Steve Gray!

That's why I became a magician.

That's why I'm a comedy magician, not a big cat magician.

That's why you became a magician.

The clasp is in the back.

The fools.

The future belongs to Steve Gray.

The great and wonderful Burt Wonderstone.

The Incredible Burt and Anton!

The jocks hated us...

The next day, not so much.

The point is, it's a huge bed.

The pout.

The show goes on.

The whole point of the kit was so that you could do the tricks without me.

The whole point of this is to update our act. You need to go change.

The world record for staring was 24 hours.

Then water would come out instead of confetti.

There will be no biting or scratching, anything that can leave a mark.

There you are, my friend. Happy birthday, Judah.

There you are.

There you go, a puppy. Hmm.

There. That's not better.

There's a hair dryer and an ironing board in every room.

There's like a hundred more things on my internal checklist.

There's no reason we couldn't do something big. Headline grabbing.

There's no way. Sword.

There's your imported Mexican spring water, Aqua de Leche.

They call it "The Incredible Burt & Anton"...

They called me Magic Bitch.

They loved it. It was great.

They said this was a magicians' bar.

They should have fresh rabbits to practice magic with, don't you agree?

They wanted food and clean water.

They're calling him the future of magic.

They're the quicker picker upper. Two rolls for 2.99.

Things are about to happen here that may be difficult for many of you to process.

Thirty years of friendship, Burt. Say something.

This area of the world is so troubled.

This could win it!

This hotel is the same as all the other hotels.

This is a rare treat.

This is a standard release form acknowledging that you are over 18...

This is awesome. I wish I could come with you.

This is Jane.

This is my handkerchief.

This is my place.

This is not my place.

This is our common room where you'll be doing the majority of your shit.

This is the best trick ever!

This is what they call magic these days? This is some kind of terrible shit!

This is your town, Burt. Tomorrow you take it back.

This must be the thrill of a lifetime for you.

This one's for my allergies, and this one's for my asthma.

This partnership is over. I quit!

This wasn't a bad idea, Burt!

Three!

Today it is worth:

Told you you'd do great.

Tonight, we offer you the one illusion that we dreamed about as kids...

TOP that, puppy pants.

Twerp. Unh!

Two hundred dollars that my nana gave to me.

Two point five million.

Two!

Ugh, women. They're a mystery, Judah.

Ugh.

Under the O, 62.

Unfortunately, I don't think that will work for me.

Unfortunately, I'm starting to think he's your only fan.

Very good, indeed. But this is a classic.

Very good. Give it back, please.

Very good. Mm.

Walk off in a huff.

We always knew there was something a little bit different about our friendship.

We caught your thing out on the street...

We did it, Anthony.

We do this one trick, it's a man's head...

We estimate the interior temperature may hit 200 degrees.

We just need one big trick for Munny's showcase.

We see each other every day.

We should test it first.

We sure did, Albert.

We think that you're a hell of a magician, and we would like you to be our partner.

We were, I don't know, 10, 11...

We would have to drug a thousand people without their consent?

We'll see.

We're both busy, that's all.

We're having an affair.

We're here to do magic, not Nicole.

We're just having fun!

We're out of eggs, so you'll need to run out and get them.

Welcome to the amazing world of magic.

Well, actually, I had something else in mind.

Well, can you have Mrs. Trump call me back? Mr. Luxor, please.

Well, do you know when he'll be out of the meeting?

Well, he's getting a national following between the ages of 25 and 45.

Well, here is a solution for that.

Well, here's the thing. I have not eaten in 24 hours...

Well, I don't think you understand.

Well, I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Well, I headlined at Bally's for the last ten years.

Well, I quit the business and I don't read the trades...

Well, I'd really like to own my own hair salons.

Well, just Wednesdays. Plus I'm doing some webisodes.

Well, let me tell you something, folks:

Well, most of them were performers on the Strip.

Well, no.

Well, no. I'm a magician. I bring magic.

Well, on behalf of all the Nicoles over the last ten years...

Well, perhaps we could just talk for a couple of minutes?

Well, Steve Gray, you are a terrible human being.

Well, thank you for being so terrible.

Well, that was a different time.

Well, the Vegas sun will effectively turn the Plexiglas box into an oven.

Well, when do we start rehearsing our kids' show?

What about them? Here you go.

What an adorable little life form.

What are all these words? This is gobbledygook.

What are those for?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do now?

What are you talking about?

What are you wearing?

What did he ever bring to the equation?

What happened to your hand?

What happened? I mean, one day you were headlining at Bally's...

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What have we here?

What have you got on the grill?"

What in the fuck is a dream reality?

What in the hell happened to you?

What is going through your mind right now?

What is this?

What kind of people end up here?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What you do is not magic.

What you may not know is that Burt and I...

What you're feeling right now...

What?

What?

What? Just because a couple of broken ankles?

What? Sorry, I'm just trying to concentrate.

What? You can't be serious.

What's with all the cameras?

What's your name?

Whatever! You're welcome to it!

When Burt did it that day...

When I saw you ten years ago, you loved what you did.

Where are we?

Where did he go?

Whichever entertainer dazzles me the most...

Who is this hot mess?

Who will it be for "Man Head/Lady Body"?

Who will the female volunteer be?

Whoa.

Whoo!

Whoo.

Whorethy. That's what they called her.

Why you running away, Weinselstein? I got you a birthday present.

Will there be blood?

Women didn't have the same freedoms that they do now.

Wonderstone has disappeared.

Wonderstone!

Wonderstone! You're okay.

Would you care to join me onstage?

Would you do me a kindness and jump up on the bench, please?

Would you like an onion ring?

Would you like to see his latest stunt?

Would you tell the Hilton family Burt Wonderstone called?

Wow, thanks. I'm going to call him Wonderstone.

Wow.

Wow. I've worshiped you for 10 years and you've just made me hate you in 60 seconds.

Wow. You're like a boy witch.

Yeah, $200 in 1973.

Yeah, that's pretty standard. I...

Yeah, we fell right out of The Hot Box.

Yeah! Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there's one.

Yeah. See? All the things you were gonna do to me, I was already planning on doing.

Yeah. They didn't actually want magic.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Yes, $2 million.

Yes, folks, it's truly a sad day.

Yes, I did. You never learn.

Yes, just like one of you.

Yes, yes, yes. So, what do you think? A triumphant return to Bally's?

Yes, you can. It means a lot.

Yes! Ha, ha!

Yes.

Yes. Come with me, please.

Yes. Oh, there we go.

You ain't seen nothing yet!

You are so much better than that.

You came back.

You can't be magical friends with yourself!

You can't see anything. Come on in.

You didn't think that when I asked to be your partner.

You don't want to do that, son. It's gonna smell like ass in there.

You even come onstage to that same goddamn song.

You got no joy in you, son.

You got no passion.

You gotta be kidding me.

You have a savings bond. Here.

You just want to get the show over with.

You know what I say when I see a bed of...

You know what? I don't need you. Nobody comes to see you.

You know what? I don't want you staying here.

You know what? Just forget it.

You know, folks, when you grow up as a magician...

You know, I bet I can make him even smaller.

You know, if I had a wife and kids and wasn't just home alone.

You know, if you're like me, you're probably thinking:

You live in a bubble or something?

You may have seen these tricks a thousand times before, but they haven't.

You may know him from his TV show, Brain Rapist.

You need any work done around the house, let me know.

You need to do something else, something fresh.

You never told us you were friends with the famous Rance Holloway!

You put away almost nothing.

You quit?

You ready?

You said you were gonna do a new show! That was the same show, just without Anton!

You see that?

You see what I'm doing there? Hmm?

You spent $75,000 last month on bed sheets.

You think it's easy securing your safety harness in the dark?

You took her hair.

You were selling the promise of diarrhea for three bucks a bottle.

You'll be fine.

You'll love Bally's signature steakhouse, Bally's Steakhouse.

You're a dude.

You're a really good sport. Whatever that means.

You're just gonna turn it into a $1 bill when I take it.

You're just impatient.

You're killing me!

You're not in Kansas anymore, Whorethy.

You're Rance Holloway.

You're that kid who's always in the nurse's office, right?

You're the asshole.

You've been doing the same shit since I hired you.

You've done such a great job today.

You've probably seen me on The Merv Griffin Show...

You've probably seen me on The Merv Griffin Show...

Your friendship means more to me than anything in the world.

Your place is so beautiful.

Your skin makes me cry.

Yummy. Unh!

...a lesbian? Mm, no. I've slept with plenty of lesbians.

...since we just started working together... Listen, Nicole.

...to crash at your place for a couple of nights. Oh, that's probably not a good idea, because...

"Brain Rapist"? Yeah.

"Hangman." "Hangman."

"Man Head/Lady Body." "Man Head/Lady Body."

"The incredible" applies to both of us! That is a hateful thing to say!

A magical friendship. A magical friendship.

A puppy. A puppy. A puppy.

Ah, you made it. Yep. Well, I love cake, so...

Ahh! "Holding It In."

All I have is a regular notebook. That'll work.

All right. Tighter!

And here I am. Aw.

And now... I'll pay you 500 bucks.

Are you ready? Let's give it a try.

Because it's shinier? Shut up.

Boom. Ha, ha.

Built my summer cottage that way. All right. Very good.

Burt, you're going to break the box. No, you're gonna break the box!

Burt! Help me, I'm slipping! Aah!

Burt? Hello, Nicole. How are you? That's great.

Cool. I was gonna eat bark anyway. No, you weren't.

David, how long have we been friends? We're not friends.

Definitely! Sure!

Do I need to sign a release form? No, I can pixelate your face.

Do you wanna be my partner? More than anything.

Don't worry. You have no idea. I have a fear...

Doug. Come here.

Drum up business that way. What the hell is a webisode?

Fine. Not this guy.

Fine. You can do a little sleight of hand. Oh, your wallet.

Give it a shot, because I can't watch this. I don't need him and I don't need you!

Goddamn. Well, my girlfriend got it worse.

Good luck, you incredible asshole! Aah!

Good luck. I don't need luck, I need Rance.

Grace. Mm.

Happy birthday. Thanks, Dad.

He never learns. Agh.

He put a dog in my pants, Jane. I see.

He put a live dog in my pants. I'm sorry.

He's like a god. A god of pepper spray. Uncomfortable, but in a great way.

He's under the bed. I know.

Hello, darling. Grace is your grandmother?

Here you go. Wait!

How old are you? Ten.

How you holding up? Very well, very well.

How'd you do that? A magician never tells his secrets.

I have many options. Great.

I just missed you so much. I missed you too.

I like the blond. Oh, thanks.

I like to squeeze him really hard! Stop it.

I missed the show. Oh.

I qui... I qui... You quit? You quit?

I sweat because I work hard. Take my phone!

I wanna do tricks. What are you doing in my room?

I will cut the deck once... He already knows the card.

I will do it! Good.

I will if you'll be my partner. I don't know. I'd have to shave.

I'd love to. Not as our assistant.

I'm Anthony Mertz. Albert Weinselstein.

I'm not gonna do that. Of course.

I'm not nervous. Thank you. Right.

I'm ready. Me too. But I am a little nervous.

I'm standing under that cloak like an asshole. Give me a break.

Is that guy a plant? That looked like a real punch.

Is this your card? No.

It is tough. It was funny in my head.

It's a lot of sex acts. Mm.

It's Jane. Sword.

It's Jane. I'll wait till you're done. No! It's a bubble bath.

It's my trick. Hey, guys.

It's shit. I agree with him, Burt.

It's tough. It is tough.

Least you had Anton. Yes.

Like in a notebook. Yes.

Look what I brought. Remember that? I don't care.

Lounge singers, strippers. B 1, baby.

Makes you look cute. Thanks.

Mm. It's not about pulling a rabbit...

My point is this. Let's just have sex. It's not gonna happen.

Never heard of him. We owe this man everything.

Never. I didn't think so.

Nicole. Let me explain something. Jane.

No one's ever done that to me before. I hope not.

No, I know you don't, Jane. Thank you.

No, no, no. Jesus.

Oh, my God, look at your costume! Yes, yes.

Oh, my God. It's so beautiful. Yes, it is.

Oh, no. He was all right.

Oh, that must've been a good day. It was the best.

Oh, that's... Pathetic. I know.

Oh. I believe that this is yours?

Oh. Wow.

Oh. Your Zarrow Shuffle is sloppy...

Oh. Okay. It's a rubber thumb.

Poor, sweet Nicole. My name's Jane.

Rance Holloway! Thank you.

Rance is not here. Don't worry.

Really? And besides, I put away a ton of money.

Really? No, it's just for the trick.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yes.

Really? Hmm. That's odd. It's part of the bit.

Say, would you like to go golfing? Sure!

She has a point. Yes.

Show the card to others. Do not show me. Don't do it. He's a hack.

So how's the show going? Not so good. Good.

So this is where old entertainers go to die. Mm hm.

So? How are we gonna do the show?

Some of his ribs are broken. You are so selfish!

Sweat Sweat

Thank you very much! Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you!

That herb thing. Kratom.

That was shit. That was shit. I think that went pretty damn well.

That, and the women. That, and the women.

That's crazy! Ooh.

That's it. You know what? I qu... You quit? You quit?

That's so cool. Amazing.

The life of a child magician. Yes, try being a girl child magician.

There? Yeah. Squeeze your fingers tighter.

They called me Magic Bitch. No.

They did? Yes.

Thirty seconds till "The Burt Locker." You're Nicole.

This should do it. Thank you, Terry.

This was one hell of a trick. Thank you, Doug.

Ugh, that was the trick we could never crack. Yes.

Ugh! I quit! Go get a job at Cirque du So lame.

Uh huh. I will leave my ringer on vibrate.

Very nice. Thank you.

Well, we have a following. You need a younger crowd, okay?

What about "Raisin Storm"? We did it. Arsenio in '91.

What about "Stinky, Stinky 2x4"? That one's really hard on my back.

What about all my investments? Yes, okay. Good.

What are you doing in here? Mr. Gray.

What are you doing? Breathing exercises.

What are you doing? No! Climbing!

What happened? I had a stroke.

What is he doing? What is he doing?

What is this, an escape? I wouldn't count on it.

What is wrong with him? "Will Burt poop?"

What is wrong with you? Nothing's wrong with me.

What? She has no ribs. Ugh!

What? Sorry? Yes.

What's going on out there? Eating Popsicle after Popsicle.

What's your name? Oh. Jane.

What's your problem? I don't have a problem, but you do.

Whoa. You are rich, my friend!

Why couldn't you let him do just one show? Because I want that gig at Doug.

Would you like to help me with a trick? Sure.

Yeah! All right!

Yeah. How old is he now?

Yes, and? Anton is gone.

Yes, you can! Yes, you can! No, it's so small!

Yes. No, Burt!

Yes. Badly. Just get out. Fine.

You a lesbian? Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you...

You kids wanna see some real magic? Yeah.

You know the tricks? Yes. You need something?

You know where we're going with this one. One we call:

You think you can handle it on your own? Mm hm.

You'd have to knock them out or something. Well...

You're gonna be all right. We don't know that yet.

You're gonna be great. I'm terrified of crowds.

You're gonna wear that? Yes.

You're practicing breathing? Yes.

You're the man! That's right, Steve!

You're too kind. Mr. Holloway.

..."The Amazing Cordless Telephone"...

...about my friendship...

...always picking on us.

...and B, did not get James Cameron's permission.

...and crying out for something more nourishing.

...and I could get you some comps, if you'd like to take a look at our act.

...and I didn't like that feeling.

...and I don't want any part of it.

...and I give them magic.

...and I'm late for my coma.

...and I've got to get them out or I will surely die.

...and my very famous "Mouth Birds" illusion.

...and now you're just a sad, pathetic shell of what you once were...

...and put her back in my pocket.

...and someone has on the exact same outfit?

...and that I yelled at you, and that I tried to make you feel uncomfortable, and that I...

...and that you are willingly consenting to the sex acts that we are about to commit.

...and that's when I first saw your show at the Golden Nugget. It was so good.

...and the burning edge...

...and the gouging edge of magic.

...and there was this one kid in class who was always mean to us...

...and when I asked him who he would like to perform at the party...

...and write your mother's name on that card.

...and your patter is boring and sad. You wanna try and dazzle people...

...and, no offense, but you are a girl.

...at all.

...at the fabulous Stardust Resort and Casino in Las Vegas.

...at the fabulous Stardust Resort and Casino in Las Vegas.

...because it turns out that room service does not deliver outside the hotel.

...because we always stole their girlfriends away from them...

...Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton, ladies and gentlemen!

...Burt Wonderstone. Thank you.

...but I was thinking maybe you could be there.

...but never dared perform until now.

...but nothing makes liquids disappear better than Bounty paper towels.

...but the locals are also hooked on a powerful drug called kratom leaf.

...but when you have done this 5000 times...

...cross your fingers for me.

...disappear from this very theater.

...everyone in this audience, man, woman and child...

...grease and flour a 9 " x 13" cake pan and then pour the batter into the pan.

...have been magical friends and partners since we were young boys.

...he told me he wanted you.

...I accept your apology.

...I didn't think you'd be my friend anymore.

...I want to thank you all for helping me celebrate my son's...

...I'm Steve Gray.

...in their own Burt & Anton Theater.

...in this box right over here.

...into the skull...

...is that I have been magical friends with each other since I was young boys.

...it really blew my mind.

...it'd become mechanical...

...known as Doug Munny's kid's birthday party.

...leaving me with only five.

...let's change everything.

...missing all the vital parts of the brain.

...my dreams.

...my life...

...nakedly?

...not "The Incredible Burt & the Incredible Anton"!

...not put them to sleep, for God's sakes.

...on red hot coals.

...or live onstage...

...or live onstage...

...out of your hat anymore.

...red hot coals?

...right here with us today. He's a world famous magician.

...sitting in this cruddy little apartment, eating slop.

...so shall it be in the end.

...spend the night...

...Steve Gray!

...that I may lose one of my senses...

...that sense of awe, that sense of wonderment...

...that sense that anything in the universe is possible?

...that we have our first official entrant into that competition...

...the first escape you learn is generally from a school locker.

...The Hot Box!

...they forget who I am and attack me.

...they know can't possibly be true.

...this is the brochure for my new signature hotel, Doug.

...to follow a different path.

...to mitigate the miserable drudgery of your existence.

...using the power of magic!

...we are going to need a female volunteer from the audience.

...we forgot the most important thing of all, and that is that Burt needs Anton.

...we will need a female volunteer from the audience. Who will that be?

...what he'd be wearing when I recorded this 30 years ago, right?

...when I was given a Rance Holloway Magic Kit.

...where one can drill...

...where we pull pennies out of our nose.

...who, for the good of sailors everywhere, lived the life of a whore.

...will be getting a five year contract as Doug's headliner.

...with myself.

...with your longtime magic partner and best friend, Burt Wonderstone.

...you know, all the hassle of people seeing it.

...you might be astonished, because there's no way I could've known...

...you might want to lift them up so they can see better.

...you'll find that having sex with me is the only way...

...your lips move when you do the Elmsley Count...

...your parents told you to clean your ears?

"Hangman."

"Maybe if you'd come to rehearsal."

"That coin trick.

"That's the ugliest goddamn orange sweater I have ever seen"...

"The Incredible Burt & David."

"Will he crap his pants?"

"Will it happen?"

$248.