Duncanville (2020) - Season 2 Edit

A backyard screened‐in porch, and a big old candle.

A barbershop!

A bunch of angry witches that want to destroy our town.

A case of Annie fever.

A child can do for his father?

A community that's one dropout away

A day early.

A farmers' market in a good neighborhood.

A floor hole so you can see the street,

A full ride to Oakdale Community College,

A hydration station for the elderly.

A lifelong dream of owning a stuffed animal.

A lot more than shut off our water to break this family.

A novelty safari belt from his trip to Nigeria

A radiant, unhappily married she!

A regular Hank Williams.

A school drop‐off zone even more frustrating.

A shoe?

A toilet just took out a police helicopter.

A water retention spell on Samantha

A.H. speaking. Are you serious?

About parking enforcement protocols,

About shading in the whole bubble.

About something you didn't win fair and square.

About that. Let's hit some pins.

Across this obstacle‐filled trail.

Actually, a wave feels risky.

Actually, Dad, there is something I need to say.

Actually, Marcus, I think we've got it down.

Add a little apple cider vinegar,

Add a little plaque when you do.

After you sold my wedding cake

After your first kiss?

Again, not swingers.

Ah, great. Look, now I've done it.

Ah, I wish I knew what I was saying to you.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! [laughs]

Ah! I'm 82 years old.

Ah! Ow, ow, ow!

Ah.

Ahh! I want my mama!

Ahh. ‐ Spicy.

Aka the hottest man alive.

All Huxter.

All I can do is turn the lights on and off.

All I need him to do now

All of it. We're perfect actors.

All our focus will be on you.

All right, bring it in, Plungers!

All right, let's see. Bird infestation.

All right, mayor coming through,

All right, well, have a good vacation!

All the kids have been asking about you doing a live set.

All we need now is a bonfire, and it's a perfect vacation.

All words that describe my wife, Annie Harris.

All: [cheer] ‐ Dad's back!

All: ♪ Buffalo gals

All: ♪ Don't worry ♪

All: ♪ I can finally put anything in my ♪

All: ♪ Killing me softly with his song ♪

All: ♪ Rock‐a‐bye Dunkie on the blacktop ♪

All: ♪ Shout

All: Aww!

All: Aww.

All: Aww.

All: Esaeler Eht Liveee.

All: Ew!

All: Huh?

All: Mama's Boy. Mama's Boy.

All: Mama's Boy. Mama's Boy. ‐ [groans]

All: Mm‐hmm.

All: Mm‐hmm.

All: Not it!

All: Not it!

All: Oh.

All: Oh. ‐ Hey.

All: Oh. ‐ It's beautiful.

All: Ooh!

All: Ta‐da!

All: We love Mom!

All: Welcome to the Legion of the Oaks!

All: What?

All: Whee!

All: Whoa!

All: Wow!

All: Yay! ‐ Aah!

All: Yeah! ‐ Yay!

Almost all week.

Also, everyone should know

Also, I need your credit card.

Also, what was the harsh version?

Am I a bird person?

Am I allowed to call adults by their first names now?

An adult drinking bagged milk on your lunch break.

An even bigger Huxter?

An old magazine.

And a couple of goals?

And a drawer full of freshly sharpened knives?

And a five‐year‐old can't compete with that.

And a ride on the Zip Line of Zuczess.

And a whole bunch of prenatal vitamins

And all you do is blame Santa.

And as someone born over 40 years ago,

And attention, I'll kill us all!

And bodies that stay buried.

And by "it," I mean your braces off.

And by freaking, I mean what you said.

And changing you, that was just to humiliate me?

And check out her RI. ‐ Her what?

And cooler shark tooth necklace.

And Def Leppard's drummer hasn't lost his arm yet.

And do‐dads and whatever hell broth is at the carnival,

And don't care what the kids think of you.

And don't give you credit.

And Duncan has to get to his test.

And enjoy The Scrambler.

And equality for women at the workplace.

And eventually love these birds like I do.

And gave him a machete, the judge made us turn it into

And get the Abraham Lincoln hat for Jing's school play.

And getting, you know, all of her reqs in order.

And give his body to someone who deserves it.

And give it whatever percent you feel comfortable with!

And gives me a little ba‐boom and a little ba‐bang.

And glazed with the tears of the innocent.

And good luck with that pancake proposal.

And good‐looking for that.

And have access to all the HP products that you want.

And have what you've got going on.

And have you seen my good nail gun?

And he has my wedding band.

And he needs you to watch his kids.

And he only gets paid for one.

And he thinks consonants are vowels.

And he wants to arm wrestle you.

And he's not even that hot.

And he's quitting to become a dentist,

And help Jing get in her car seat?

And his one‐eyed teddy bear and his baby teeth

And hopefully make up for that offensive joke

And how much you love him.

And how they go!

And I actually jumped so high yesterday

And I am quite the momager.

And I being race car drivers that I forgot to ask

And I can do anything a contractor does,

And I can make you one too.

And I do not want that for you.

And I feel like a musician again,

And I figured I owed her

And I got this zoomy‐digi camera

And I have a stash my kids don't know about!"

And I need somebody honest to watch my armored car

And I needed you to clean that dang attic.

And I promise you'll get used to this

And I spent it all on tickets to...

And I wanna give you a peak into my world.

And I want to be indoors.

And I was a nothing who ground bird beaks into dog food.

And I will be your amoral support.

And I'll be as gentle as I can.

And I'll turn to them and say, "It's Kimberly!

And I'm always talking you guys up.

And I'm gonna give him a‐‐ a bop on the nose.

And I'm never dancing on a desk again!

And I'm not sure I ever came down.

And I'm not winning the Oakie,

And I'm ready for my punishment.

And I'm really happy I did, too.

And I'm really sorry,

And I've never been more attracted to you.

And I've seen three movies!

And I've turned out great. [van door closes]

And if he had a problem with it, he would have told me.

And if I could help you not wind up like me,

And is just trying to buy you a darling top.

And is playing the villain in the next Spider‐Man movie.

And is that bucket in the corner what I think it's for?

And it comes out in weird ways.

And it needs to get a million views

And it's 11:00 a. m.

And it's not because there's pee

And Jing, your father's a middle‐aged man.

And let them think they murdered us.

And like the siege of Troy, our collapse is inevitable.

And look how he turned out.

And make more than a teacher.

And making those little free libraries with mystery books?

And maybe she gives me a kiss and we get married one day.

And me is gonna help you.

And murder.

And my job is to suffer so you can be happy.

And never speak to each other again.

And next thing I know, we're baking a cake

And no songs with the word "peanuts" in it

And nod supportively.

And not get in trouble. Watch.

And not thinking I'm laughing at you.

And not touch anything or say anything

And not worry about the cost...

And now a moment of silence

And now he has a cold sore?

And now he's mad! Run!

And now I don't feel so good.

And now I'd like to wrap up our ceremony

And now we have a lot of birds.

And now you're telling me you haven't even started?

And now, she can't smile or wear open‐toed shoes.

And now, to the closet.

And on break, I'm crapping in the teacher's toilet.

And on the way down, we are apologizing to Malala.

And only cares about boys who make her cry.

And only serial parking offender!

And pretending to breast‐feed him again!

And Prince, um, loving his guitar.

And raising your children without any thanks.

And read this incantation.

And replace it with "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes."

And Sandra, you can find a better guy.

And say we're at Coachella.

And sell her witchy potions

And seriously, do not let the bedbugs bite.

And she doesn't need your validation to be happy.

And she only dances when she damn well feels like it.

And she's not impressed by size.

And show Mayor Jen she'll have to do

And start your mind.

And stealing pies off old ladies' windowsills.

And take this untouched veggie pizza

And tell your dad how sorry you are

And thank you for the barber recommendation.

And that bird seems to make her happy.

And that chair that rocks on its own.

And that Fun Size Snickers is mine.

And that's the Kansas City shuffle.

And that's why we have parents sign release forms.

And the "buzz"

And the breath mint I chew instead of brushing my teeth.

And the doctor said my ass isn't done growing!

And the hair from his first haircut.

And the hottest guy in my grade is right.

And the Powerball's up to 200 million, hint, hint.

And the truck nuts‐‐

And the winner of the Oakie Award

And then get a job

And then measuring said jealousy in likes and comments.

And then the girl tells her mom to shut up.

And then they left the hotel without being seen,

And these thought bubbles make me look dead.

And these three will ghost you

And they give him hugs.

And they make up their own rules.

And they're so judgmental.

And they're so sweet.

And this hot dog is dy‐no‐mite!

And this may never happen again.

And throw a tennis ball in the air.

And throwing beer cans at people.

And to keep my greasy fingernails out of it.

And to rub it in to my uneducated family's face.

And too nervous to show you guys.

And turned it into Kimberpalooza.

And we are pretty tight.

And we blame Santa way too much.

And we both have the summer off.

And we decided to let you join.

And we don't have time to call a contractor.

And we don't want to give 'em a bad name.

And we talked to Grandma on the Ouija board.

And we were the last ones to see them.

And we'd love to snap some twigs

And we're gone before the zucchini cake.

And we're never gonna be famous.

And we're right over the exhaust pipe,

And went to the arcade

And what a kiss!

And whatever Quibi was. Why are you watching

And when you're 40 and divorced,

And who knew I was so basic that I'd be attracted to it?

And who's waiting in a hard plastic chair?

And why did you buy Nick a toe ring?

And without you to tell me to stop car surfing

And working a part‐time job, he came to my work.

And write a song about me?

And you can have your birthday off.

And you can never go wrong

And you ruined it!

And you'd do anything for me, right?

And you'll only have each other.

And you're always disappointed.

And you're disgusting enough as it is!

And you're good to go.

And you're not just my campers.

And you're unfit to hold the office of high priestess.

And your boy does not brown bag it.

And your Dance of Devotion

And your thoughtful, last‐second gifts.

And, "Yo quiero that."

And, Dad, you're a junkie hit man.

And, well, it was wrong of me to try to punish you

And...

Annie Harris.

Annie, how could you not tell your own family?

Annie, relax.

Any boy‐girl party wouldn't be complete without.

Any fake thing you want.

Any luck job hunting, honey?

Anyway, I was so nervous about kissing your father

Anyway, we can't run this story.

Are any of these landing for you?

Are dead!

Are the one that made it.

Are two beautiful cautionary tales.

Are we doing this or what? ‐ Not yet.

Are you gonna be okay home alone

Aren't you, Dunker? ‐ Shut up!

As a mama I am so proud of my boy.

As a society.

As all mayors do, and you haven't busted anyone.

As an officer of the law,

As fulfilling as my job.

As long as we both shall live.

As old as Cwain and Abel.

As soon as I start to lose, call 911.

As soon as I'm done with my gig.

As soon as they find a boyfriend.

As we bow our heads for drinkable water

At my ex if he comes back for his power tools?

At the dog food factory.

At the Oakdale Kids' Soccer Tournament.

At you kids in my life.

Attention!

Aw, come on! Make with the rage!

Aw, look at you two, getting along like the Eilishes.

Aw, look how cute he used to be.

Aw, wait, there's a baby on it.

Aw! [whines]

Aww, come on.

Aww, he thinks I'm Cinderella.

Baby Duncan's in my tummy.

Ball!

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Bark, bark.

Bathy, earsy, foldy. Happy?

Be amazed at what a teen in the First World doesn't know.

Be home by 9:00,

Be right back. [shouts]

Be the master's apprentice?

Beard's coming in nice.

Beatbox me, Jack.

Beautiful family, your own business,

Beautiful multi‐racial kids to visit you on set.

Beaver is nice to ladybug,

Because Dad needed a room for his scrapbooking.

Because he has something he wants to say to you.

Because her ankles‐‐ they look insane.

Because I didn't feel like paying for‐‐

Because I felt like we made a connection.

Because I have the key.

Because I'm at a music festival this weekend.

Because I'm immensely popular.

Because if he sees your butt,

Because it gave some men the wrong impression.

Because it's Friday the 13th with a full blood moon.

Because Jing can't do what Wonder Woman does.

Because next year you're welding this yourself.

Because she's allergic.

Because the Space Jammer seems to know so much

Because they feel they have to fix it.

Because they think that‐‐

Because we got free churros and Build‐A‐Broom.

Because your fontanelles never closed.

Before I can even talk to him.

Before I die.

Before she forgets all about me

Before you fell in love with plumbing.

Being the family of an Oakie winner,

Being with my family,

Besides my love.

Besides, we'll always be a team.

Bex, I want my night toast.

Bex, your bullhorn. ‐ Awesome.

Bid your friends farewell. ‐ Calm down.

Black on the outside, liquid on the inside.

Blippi the Clown, and Caspar Babypants.

Bloop, bloop...

Both aren't good. ‐ Honey, he's fine.

Both: [grunt] Damn it!

Both: [scream] Gordy!

Both: [together] ♪ Swing low

Both: [together] I was so close.

Both: [together] I'm telling Mom.

Both: ♪ Don't run in front of the ice cream truck ♪

Both: ♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O

Both: ♪ He can't wait to pack those veggies in his bowl ♪

Both: ♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

Both: ♪ We love each other in every way ♪

Both: And Mia?

Both: Aww.

Both: Bleeding gums!

Both: Damn it!

Both: Do not check us out!

Both: Eight.

Both: Hmm...

Both: Middle school sucks.

Both: Mom! ‐ What?

Both: No!

Both: Sure, Mom.

Both: The adult pool.

Both: Um...

Both: We see you.

Both: Yes! ‐ Whoo‐hoo!

Bottom line is we were all in on it.

Bradley, how you doin', my man?

Bradley's bringing in a big seashell.

Break the power structure. Mom, you can solve that case.

Bring it in, you little nose‐pickers!

Brothers and sisters who get along all the time are gross.

Burn their bong, burn it all!

But "Men in Black 2" very much is.

But Amber's just using Ryan to make Daniel K. jealous.

But angry Mom is texting me.

But as your manager, I don't care if you get along.

But don't turn out the light.

But first, beer me and ginger beer him.

But first, you need to make a video

But he threatened to cut my head off.

But here's the twist. Daniel K.

But his car is spinning wildly out of control.

But I didn't have your guts, Duncan.

But I don't know.

But I don't see a problem keeping it on hold.

But I don't smell a charred body.

But I forgot my lunch.

But I get it.

But I had this idea for vaulted ceilings and‐‐

But I had to bunk with Duncan,

But I have a house full of birds that turned on me.

But I hit a groove, and we're good.

But I know that's not it!

But I know that's not it!

But I never thought I'd be trapped in a dead‐end marriage

But I still have braces.

But I still have to give you this.

But I think it's time to step in.

But I think you're extreme enough

But I took that vow, so here I am.

But I wanted to hang out with my cool big sister

But I was new to the force

But I wouldn't want to ruin a father/daughter memory

But I'll die for this sofa.

But I'm as mad as a March hare!

But I'm getting nervous holding it.

But I'm hungry.

But I'm not raising the next generation‐‐

But I'm not reading the questions.

But if we don't build a fire, we're gonna freeze to death.

But if you're just looking for a non‐tree place to live,

But in my own loving, supportive way?

But it itches and my doctor says it's not.

But it's just not as fulfilling.

But it's no time to get complacent.

But it's pretty big.

But it's time to fight feathers with bullets.

But keep trying to meet that impossible standard.

But lemon's a fruit. Wink.

But life's crazy, you know?

But look at all the smiling families

But maybe the doctor's wrong. Maybe it's just a pimple.

But Mom always says no?

But now look at us. We have a thing again.

But only if it feels safe.

But opossum is also nice to ladybug.

But peri‐menopausal.

But show me that you hear my prayer, and we're still good.

But so worth it.

But that's okay.

But the "Oakdale Bugle" sure does.

But the cart had a cupholder, so I chose the cart.

But the real thing is so satisfying.

But the spark just wasn't there.

But the townspeople don't want that.

But then I met the Tree Witch and she gave me magical powers.

But then I worried that that would reinforce the idea

But these birds bring me so much joy.

But they left their keys in it.

But they're actually just ways to keep you down.

But they're not send‐away awful.

But they've been here 50 years and they deliver and install.

But this blows.

But this year is different.

But voters can be fooled by that!

But way slower.

But we both know that's not true.

But we can do it in Dildo, Canada.

But we can pretend to get along.

But we do have a special assignment for you.

But we have to make your mother happy.

But we need to find the perfect place to display them.

But we showed them who the superior species is.

But we walked all the way here.

But we're over it.

But we've run out of things to talk about.

But what turned it around for you?

But what will people wanna punch?

But when my wife makes up her mind‐‐

But who's gonna take my place?

But with those Pad Boys, you seemed like a... kiss‐ass.

But without the pressure of trying to become rock stars.

But would that make her feel bad,

But you at least need to pass!

But you can have too many friends.

But you did the right thing for everyone but you.

But you did the wrong thing messing with parking.

But you don't have a white van, so hi, I'm Jing.

But you don't seem to have a love life.

But you don't want me as an enemy.

But you get it.

But you grow up, get married, have kids,

But you guys are clearly too smart

But you know what? I'll take it.

But you only fed one meter.

But you're a friggin' badass.

But you're just gonna wind up hanging us again.

But you're parked in front of a fire hydrant.

But you're so much better at public scenes

But your mom thinks school is important!

By a workshop I took at the Airport Radisson,

By an alcoholic with a chainsaw.

By bringing the Space Jammer to justice!

By creating traffic nightmares.

By letting them think we died so we get a free vacation.

By the end of the day.

By the power plant.

By your overzealous ticketing

By your own hair at midnight!

Bye‐bye.

Bye, dumbasses!

Bye! ‐ Jack!

C'mon, son. Give in

Caffeine up.

Called "Pediafile"

Came out of your mouth,

Can I have the last packet of crackers?

Can I say something else honest?

Can we see your dessert list?

Can we take a piece of trash?

Can you authorize the card for me?

Can you do it? all: Hell yeah.

Can't start the day without that.

Careful.

Carry me upstairs.

Carry us to vacation, baby!

Carve their initials in our butts.

Charge 'em up, and the company pays you.

Charging that in the outlet.

Chasing fame.

Check it out.

Cheerleaders: He's impressive.

Cherub's Nipple Pink or Bunnies' Blood Blue?

Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

Claire's at Coachella

Cleopatra, take this to your brother.

Close enough.

Close to the back of Lennie's head."

Come inside. I'll make some coffee.

Come on, big D, branch it up.

Come on, Duncan, do something tight.

Come on, empowerment dance!

Come on, honey,

Come on, I'll give you a lift home.

Come on, it's a hot day. Let me give you some water.

Come on, Jack and the Die Youngs.

Come on, let's go in.

Come on, let's go post pictures of ourselves in floppy hats

Come on, show yourself, you son of a bitch.

Come on, we're going home.

Come on! Let's go make new friends.

Come on.

Complete the test by midnight,

Cool grass on a hot summer day!

Cool, a boob!

Cool. ‐ Yeah, retro.

Cooper just guessed triangle, and now he's a rock star.

Couldn't have screamed at those kids better myself.

Cover the entire Dojo District.

Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Croakdale High School, where dreams go to die.

Crotch chop alone.

Curse you, God!

Cussy McFoulmouth, but let me tell you

Dad, fire up the T‐T‐Twister.

Dad, you look weird. Love you. Bye!

Daddy will never let anything happen to you.

Daily spoon fight more than me.

Damn it.

Damn. Now it's stuck in my head.

Danced with Ellen on "The Ellen Show,"

Dang, my cheesy Chesney fries are mmm‐mmm good.

Dang. One.

Daryl Chrisakowsi,

Dead Elmo. Dead Elmo.

Did you know we have a store in town

Did you say okay? ‐ Yeah.

Did you take out the trash? ‐ No.

Directly before!

Dive! [tires squealing]

Do I look‐‐ who tucked my shirt in?

Do not die on me!

Do you have a straitjacket?

Do you have a Twister game, Bradley?

Do you hear that?

Do you still want to Peacock and chill?

Do you want to wind up like Stan?

Do your chores!

Do your dangerous, cute thing again.

Do‐‐uh, do you want me to tell you the story?

Does anybody in the audience have a quarter?

Does Santa know we're there? I'm so excited!

Doing the right thing. Teaching moment.

Dolphins: We love Mom.

Don't ask how I know.

Don't find yourself attracted to, what? Work?

Don't forget. I know how you are.

Don't just stand there.

Don't mind us. We just live here now.

Don't stop for that cat! [cat yowls]

Don't touch my computer.

Don't touch my makeup. Don't touch my phone.

Don't wait up! ‐ I could drive Duncan.

Don't worry about him. He's a pushover.

Don't worry, it's just my tears.

Don't you dare. You're allergic!

Don't you know how messed up this is?

Don't you like bowling anymore?

Dragged through the water?

Dreams do come true.

Dreams do come true.

Driving for lazy people,

Driving with my dad was terrifying.

Dumped down my back does feel good.

Duncan may never pass anything again,

Duncan, do you know how little work

Duncan, jump up and join us.

Duncan, she's not here. ‐ Number 46!

Duncan, we made our whole month.

Duncan's giant screwup has just opened

Duncan's impressive!

Duncan's struggling with basic vocab.

Each one of these losers is a vote.

Eat it. Swallow.

Eating tortellini with my husband's coworker.

Either that or‐‐oh wait, the rat ate my other theory.

Either way, Claire's dead, and it's on you.

Either way, his crab future's bright.

Emotion, corruption, kimonos.

Ends gun violence, and frees the nip.

Enjoy those little hot dogs. Keep on crockin'.

Enjoy your movie, sweetie.

Equal parts DayQuil and NyQuil, and a touch of Grammy's ashes.

Especially with my son.

Even if one of us dies in here, they cannot come in.

Even letting his dog lick his face for hours on end.

Even Mommy.

Even soup, dude.

Even the other characters' parts.

Even though your love life is a disaster.

Even when I didn't.

Even when they chase the hot nerdy boys away.

Ever since I cut my ponytail,

Ever since you cut your ponytail‐‐

Every actress in Tinseltown! ‐ Excuse me?

Every moment Duncan sits in that car with you

Everybody off the slide.

Everybody, pair up.

Everybody, pull!

Everyone can be bought.

Everyone counted but her.

Everyone got to have their solo day of fun, but fun's over.

Evil attic spirits, by the light of my sage

Ew! ‐ Yeah! It's against nature.

Ew.

Exaggerating our fun to make other families jealous!

Excellent!

Except for themselves. That's why they don't have any.

Excited to see you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Extra tart lemonade, Mrs. Hanaway.

Falls behind in her work?

Family it runs in.

Family outing. Where do you wanna go?

Family photo, right now, before we're too sunburned to smile.

Famous Amos, and they're pummeled to crumbs.

Father, I love you!

Featuring Stroke‐a‐Cola,

Feel free to leave the net and join the rest of the team.

Figuratively.

Filled with untraceable gold.

Fine, but you don't get to see naked John and Yoko.

Fingers don't belong up noses, don't chew gum in Singapore,

First of all, you're here.

First one home gets to ground Kimberly.

First, I find out we're brothers.

Five, seven, five. Here you go!

Flip the rocker switches,

For a connection with my son

For an hour.

For at least ten minutes.

For at least the next two Saturdays.

For Civil Servant of the Year,

For drugs. Together.

For dumbass Douglas.

For me, it's reversing climate change

For my life's purpose and health insurance.

For my poorly‐received solo album.

For not abiding by the law?

For our depressingly unpopular daughter.

For saying what I never had the guts to say to my father!

For Shane's wife.

For Stroke‐a‐Cola Energy Drink,

For Stroke‐a‐Cola energy drink.

For Stroke‐a‐Cola energy drink.

For that subprime‐mortgage thing I got them into.

For the 24 Minutes of Oakdale.

For the fifth time.

For the first time, I practice‐kissed everything.

For the girl who ate half a pizza.

For the job every day like you did in the beginning.

For the kiddie swings?

For the last Go‐Gurt?

For the next whee‐k,

For the respectability I've always secretly craved?

For the rest of my life?

For the rest of these nutcases.

For throwing ribs on the floor.

For two days and one night to Flip Flops Resort.

For you to look like that.

For you, it's‐‐ well, it's that branch.

For your principles?

Form my own band, and‐‐

Freaking barbers!

Free movies, every Tuesday matinee.

From "Jurassic World."

From being named Travel Channel's dumbest town

From dunking a basketball all night...in a hoop.

From last year.

From that woman over there with no bra on.