💬 After Life (2019)

A bit of Viagra... [whistles]

A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.

A fat kid who still lives at home with his mum, no job,

A five legged slut.

A friend of mine actually committed suicide last week.

A lot of people rely on our paper. Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

A lot of the old people can't get up and down the stairs or go out.

A woman called us, when she drags her dustbin

About a tenner an hour.

About five.

About how I should care about the feelings of a smackhead who robbed me.

About your dad.

Actually, I've got to be going.

Actually, this is a good time.

Addicted to food. We're all addicted to food.

Ah, fuckin' hell.

Ah, well, the pipe started leaking

Ah. It's embarrassing.

Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.

Ahh.

All I can think about is...

All I'm saying is that...

All right, erm...

All right, it's...

All right, okay. Once again, no one cares about my feelings.

All right. Well, we'll find it. It's all right.

All this, [feeble voice] "Oh, where's my soulmate?"

All we've got is each other.

All worth it now, though.

Along to a dinner party with you, a dead woman, and James Corden,

Also, any stain looks like Kenneth Branagh.

Also, you should be at work, but you know I'll let that slide.

Always nice to chat.

Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?

Always trying to get in the paper, ain't you, Brian?

Am I right?

And a stain appeared on his wallpaper

And about what you're gonna do next,

And by "party,"

And caring and having integrity.

And change the salt every now and then.

And depressed,

And do you think that might be you on this occasion?

And don't get drunk all the time, all right?

And feed the dog, yeah?

And finding tickets for things to try and cheer you up.

And fucking give him a good hiding. [chuckles]

And go, "Yay! Just us. Let's party."

And he accused Charlie Willis of sucking off Elton John.

And he was obviously devastated.

And I also know the only thing that would stop me being unhappy

And I can't fucking wait to be with her.

And I could pull my hair out

And I do and say what the fuck I want

And I don't wanna scare the new girl. "This is my friend, she's a prostitute."

And I forgot my keys, so it's lucky we ran into each other.

And I looked really weird

And I made the right decision.

And I wondered if it was a special occasion.

And I've loved you ever since.

And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby, little ginger cunt.

And if I've read this right,

And it broke me.

And it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag everything that moves."

And it's seven, so go.

And keep it...

And keep our house tidy.

And less of the prostitute. I'm a sex worker.

And make sure I landed on some cunt from accounts.

And making everyone else unhappy, too.

And missed me vital organs.

And no, I'm not grieving. He was a cunt.

And only 'cause people prejudge you when you say that,

And she turned out to be perfect,

And she wasn't before.

And sometimes...

And take her to the beach. She loves it there.

And that can be anything from local stories, you know,

And that's Lisa being around, and that can't happen.

And that's not wh Can you come in my office?

And that's what he calls the local paper about.

And the police don't like to chase 'em because the kids take their helmets off,

And the reason animals are better than people

And the wallpaper started to get wet,

And the world would be a better place without us.

And then I got the second, and I thought, "Oh, that's funny. Two the same!" [laughs]

And then I show up.

And then I try and make...

And then it started to form this image.

And then it's dangerous, and the police might get sued, so...

And then she's giving me grief for getting upset about stuff.

And then sneak out as I slip into a coma,

And then the fourth...

And then turn the gun on myself.

And then we're done.

And then when I do visit him every day,

And then when it all gets too much,

And then...

And they all reckon it's not ideal to be a fat, lazy, self pitying lump.

And they read it before they do that.

And trying to come up with reasons you shouldn't kill yourself,

And we always have a choice.

And we might've got you a date.

And we've got Oh.

And went right on it.

And what makes you think it's his?

And when did you think, "Oh...

And why do people think I need tips with women?

And you expect him to stay in character

And you hit on her immediately.

And you just drag it across and pop it in the folder and it uploads.

And you're upset with the world,

And you've lost someone and you think no one compares. Mmm.

And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?

And?

And...

And... I can't see that ever happening again.

And... I'm just being honest.

And... put it on "perimeter," otherwise the dog will set it off.

Any plans for the weekend?

Anything that happens,

Anything you want. I didn't...

Anything?

Anything.

Anyway,

Anyway, err...

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Anyway, these days, you don't really die of it, so

Anyway...

Are you mental?

Are you sure you wanna work for the Samaritans?

Are you two together?

Argh. What is?

As I say, I'm not very hungry, so I'll just get a coffee.

As I was saying, why don't you throw yourself into your work?

As if an umbrella...

As if I would.

As long as we're having fun.

As we know them because it'll just be a shit storm on the Internet.

ASAP.

Astronomical.

At first I thought, "I'll give him the benefit of the doubt,"

At times, so, you know, don't take it personally.

Audrey Hepburn.

Back to work, everyone.

Bad girl, Brandy.

Bad then?

Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people,

Baked beans or vegetable curry?

Be a good boy for Uncle Tony, George!

Be an upgrade for you. At least you'd be human, then.

Be honest up front, and...

Be nice to her, and she might take you to the opening of a new restaurant,

Be nice to them, eh?

Be very still and it might not see us.

Because as soon as it becomes an adult and it wants to mate,

Because I had to look after my dog.

Because I haven't. I still know the deal.

Because I just assumed you were always having a bad day,

Because I realized that my wife

Because I'm still attached to my wife,

Because it might make him feel better.

Because it's so good.

Because people will think I said summat awful.

Because the world is full of fuckin' morons.

Because there is nothing more boring than someone telling you a dream they had.

Because there's no features to exaggerate.

Because when you see me, for one moment you think

Because you always talk about killing yourself.

Being an arsehole in general.

Big chunk of wood with, like, a nail, metal spike sticking out of it

Big, red glasses.

Birds love it.

Black bin is household waste,

Bob's your uncle.

Both for him, are they?

Both losers.

Both lost our partners,

Both trying to numb the pain,

Bought you a little present.

Breast cancer.

Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.

Brilliant, hey? Pick your top five favorite people, and why.

Bring it around at seven,

Bring Lisa with you.

Brutal...

Busy?

But do they actually do what's good for you?

But don't spiral, don't obsess.

But even if I did, I wouldn't tell them to anyone

But for God's sake, this is your dad.

But for lunch, you'll probably get away with blazer and slacks?

But from here, it looks like that super photography

But grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.

But he never stops working.

But he's just gonna give me his 'cause I'm his cleaner.

But I guess a good day

But I have spoken to loads of 'em over the last few months,

But I know I'd feel bad if I didn't visit every day.

But I look at you, and I think,

But I mean, how do you get into that in the first place?

But I'm assuming that your date isn't as old as me.

But I'm getting a children's portion.

But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?

But it's not just all about you, is it?

But maybe it's just because you're a cunt.

But remember, black is slimming.

But the thing you lost...

But then life throws you these interesting little things, doesn't it?

But then, it wasn't me, it was a baby.

But there's definitely something going on.

But there's no silly outcry.

But why does he have to do all that "mm mmm"?

But you are.

But you can't, can ya?

But you're absolutely fucking useless. [chuckling]

But you're obviously not really suicidal. It's just bullshit.

But you've got such a good heart.

But...

But... I can eat what children eat, can't I?

By old ladies, once a week.

By the time you're a features writer, there won't be newspapers

Can I guess the bullet points?

Can you do what I asked you to do, please?

Can you hear that?

Can't believe you've done all this.

Can't work miracles though, can it?

Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

Cancer.

Chasing the dragon.

Cheers, thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers. Don't get up.

Choked on a tampon.

Choked on a tampon. [laughs]

Coke?

Come here.

Come here. Good girl.

Come in, Tony!

Come on, please. All journalists go to the pub for lunch.

Come on, then.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Good girl.

Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.

Come to the pub. Me and Len are going for lunch.

Could ever come of this

Could you do Carpool Kamikaze?

Course you would. 'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.

Cunt.

Cunt. [chuckles]

D'you need anything while you're 'ere?

D'you think the women are ganging up on me?

D'you want a coffee?

Daddy says you're sad since Auntie Lisa died.

Dead.

Dealing with my own problems.

Deep down, you're a Daphne.

Definitely splitting the bill. Whiskey, please.

Delivered them all.

Depends what I ask him.

Did he die of diabetes like he's gonna?

Dirty bastard.

Do that, then.

Do you get any fiber in your diet?

Do you have weird dreams?

Do you live here?

Do you mind him talking to you like that?

Do you still want me to put it through the door?

Do you wanna go to the beach?

Do you want a drink?

Does that usually work, does it?

Doesn't look too bad, actually, does it?

Doesn't matter, apparently.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. It means I don't believe in any god.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Don't be so hard on him. His girlfriend died.

Don't cry. Not in front of your new boyfriend.

Don't feel the same sympathy

Don't go blaming the world.

Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?

Don't rob me!

Don't tell Lisa.

Don't waste it on food.

Double nostril recorder?

Drunk people, they sort of bounce. All right, come on.

Earlier this year.

Eat in front of the computer.

Eat in front of the quiz machine.

Eat in front of the telly.

Eighty nine. [laughs]

Emma. Do you want to speak to her?

Enjoy the sun

Erm, champagne.

Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,

Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,

Erm...

Erm... entertainment, finance.

Err, just, um...

Err...

Err... suicidal.

Err... yeah, please.

Even AIDS.

Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.

Every minute of every day that I have my wits about me,

Everyone chips in on everything, really.

Everyone you told about your wife dying just...

Everything came from nothing? That's impossible.

Everything's an addiction these days.

Exactly. Don't suit me.

Excuse me. Where's the dog food?

Exhausted...

Fantasizes about killing his ex wife...

Fantasy dinner party guests.

Few hours a day for a few weeks, wasn't it?

First thing in the morning and when you get in from work.

Fish fingers and beans.

For 50 quid.

For as long as I want,

For me or for her. I mean...

For me, for her, probably.

For three hours as Mr. fuckin' Bean?

For who?

For you, not for me, obviously.

Freddie Mercury's tooth.

Friends.

From you?

Fuck's sake.

Fuckin' fat cunt eating like a fuckin' slug.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hope not.

Fucking cheer up, mate. Might not ever happen.

Fucking hell. Why can't you just leave me alone?

Fucking maggot.

Funniest man in the world.

Get a better job in a different town. I just...

Get a picture?

Get in here, you dirty cow.

Get in.

Get me, err....

Get out. Open the curtains.

Get up. Don't mope about in bed all day.

Getting some gear before I become too fucking conscious.

Give it to me then.

Give the dog a kiss from me,

Give you a free meal. [laughs]

Go home.

Go in here.

Go on.

Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?

Go to the doctor. You've got bowel cancer.

Go to the pub.

Gonna buy drugs with that and dump the papers in the skip?

Gonna **** myself to death.

Good girl.

Good girl. Good girl.

Good how he played two at the same time.

Good pictures.

Good week?

Good.

Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.

Got one of these in 42 chest?

Got something for your front cover,

Got to keep going.

Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

Great to have you.

Great. Well, I'll call her and book a restaurant.

Green bin is recy

Happier to just accept your unhappiness.

Happy and safe and smug about it,

Happy birthday.

Hard working.

Hardly scarred for life.

Have you got a jokes page?

Have you got a... counterargument or...

Have you got any Bee Gees?

Have you got smart jeans and a nice shirt?

Have you got the photos from the

Having to visit him every day,

He agrees with me.

He can still feel hurt.

He does answer back.

He doesn't know he's alive.

He doesn't know what you're on about, does he?

He doesn't remember you, I bet.

He doesn't. If he'd said,

He goes home, sees a stain that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,

He had a girlfriend?

He really knew what he was doing when it came to suicide.

He seems nice.

He told you to watch me eat, didn't he?

He was shit at everything else, but gotta give him his due.

He was trying to make people laugh.

He works for me, and she was doing the washing up.

He wouldn't.

He'd hate that... Um... anyway,

He's a very good writer.

He's always been around.

He's an old actor, director.

He's come around to talk about getting started on the paper.

He's got no distinguishing features.

He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...

He's had a girlfriend for about a minute and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.

He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.

He's just on her, whether she likes it or not.

He's my uncle.

He's not here.

He's not himself at the minute, to be honest.

He's very old.

Here she is.

Here you go.

Here's what's what...

Hey, those guys are some of my best clients.

Hey?

Hi, George.

Hi, I'm Tony.

Hi.

Hilarious, more like.

His friend didn't really commit suicide by choking on a tampon, obviously.

His...err... Tony's my brother in law.

Hit in the head with a hammer,

Hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Hmm.

Hot date?

How about a cup of tea before you go?

How can you not believe that someone created all this, though?

How could I possibly have had a good week?

How do you know what a Chinaman's co You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.

How do you mean?

How does that help me?

How hard is suicide?

How long did it take you to master the...

How many times did you have fish fingers and beans?

How much do I owe you?

How much do they charge?

How much do you get for that then?

How much for one try?

How?

How's it going?

How's Lisa?

Huh? Why don't you stick a knob down your throat, blabbermouth.

Humanity is a plague.

Hungry?

I absolutely love your dog.

I bet that's never 'appened before.

I can always kill myself.

I can't believe that I'm soaked!

I can't believe you gave me your keys.

I can't just go and apologize for nothing.

I can't let you order that.

I can't stand needles. Also AIDS. I don't wanna die of that.

I can't. I...

I chew it, I swallow it, just like everyone else.

I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs,

I couldn't say any of this to your face. It's too embarrassing.

I didn't care.

I didn't do overtime,

I didn't get that long.

I didn't know that. But the point is, okay,

I didn't mean to upset you.

I didn't say his name.

I didn't wanna back down.

I didn't want her thinking this is a madhouse.

I didn't want to do this, but Matt said you're a widow, too, and,

I do get that a lot though.

I do have these.

I don't care about first impre I don't care about any impression, do I?

I don't do the whole God thing, I'm afraid.

I don't have any dreams at the moment 'cause I'm not sleeping.

I don't mean why do you live in this particular garage.

I don't see the point.

I don't spend enough time with him.

I don't think anyone knows what's good for me.

I don't wanna appear ageist,

I don't wanna date again.

I don't wanna live without Lisa.

I don't want you to grieve forever.

I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.

I dream about her sometimes.

I dunno.

I feel bad that I resent

I feel bad when I leave 'cause it was so depressing.

I feel sorry for him.

I get the gist of it. Their name and age,

I go to tell her.

I got kicked out of the last garage, didn't I?

I guess to let you know you're not the only one.

I had a lot of fun on that date the other night

I had to say something.

I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.

I haven't got any family.

I invite him in and he robs me.

I just don't see any point in living.

I just got into an argument on Twitter with some absolute moron medical student.

I just had a prostitute lecturing me

I just thought it looked really glamorous.

I just wanna sleep.

I just wanna stop feeling sad.

I just wanted to get home every night...

I knew it, first time I met you.

I know about your wife.

I know how you feel.

I know I'm not thinking straight, but I don't wanna think straight

I know, 'cause they're smaller.

I know.

I know. She's nowhere, all right? But get this through your head...

I like peace and quiet.

I live at home with my mum, dad, brother and sister, so...

I look like I'm enjoying myself for a split second,

I mean, grieve a bit.

I mean, I know you're not normal.

I mean, it's basically ****, yeah?

I mean, look at me and June.

I mean, me, I would quite happily die right now.

I mean, she's a nurse looking after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,

I mean, why don't you soak everything straightaway?

I mean, y'know...

I mean, you will be working closely with him.

I mean... sit here like this, with the dog,

I met a nice lady in the graveyard, Dad.

I met someone, by chance,

I might join you one day.

I need to... I've got a thing at seven.

I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it?

I say "again." I've never dated.

I should probably dump them first, then buy the drugs.

I should say from the off,

I should warn you, he might...

I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

I shouldn't have...

I slipped down this steep bank and onto some rubbish

I still can't believe we've got so much in common.

I still can't believe we've got stuff in common.

I tell ya, his face fell like my nan. Oh no!

I think he's gonna eat. Watch this.

I think he's quite handsome. I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

I think I'm gonna puke.

I think I've got the gist. It's the one where you go,

I think that deep down,

I think you do a great job with my dad, and...

I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.

I thought, "Well, what are the chances of that?"

I wanna try heroin tonight.

I want everyone in floods at the funeral.

I was gonna put it in for a wash. I wonder what I've done with it.

I was just on my way to your house to do some cleaning,

I was just saying that maybe for the ten minutes

I was married for 25 years. It was brilliant.

I was sort of being nice, that...

I was walking along the side of the road 'cause there was no pavement.

I was worried about you.

I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

I will be extra careful with these.

I worry when they cry.

I would just take as many drugs as I possibly could.

I wouldn't worry about your dad.

I...

I... [stuttering]

I... nearly took some pills.

I'd just be honest.

I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her, all right?

I'll bring you some food.

I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.

I'll do the date.

I'll forget otherwise, won't I?

I'll give you a good seeing to.

I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.

I'll see you back at the office.

I'll take you shopping, if you like.

I'll...

I'm a little princess 'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.

I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"

I'm Anne.

I'm apologizing for...

I'm comfortable around humans. I just think animals are better.

I'm fine, thanks.

I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.

I'm going mad.

I'm happy to just sit here.

I'm his cleaner.

I'm just I'm doing my best trying...

I'm just getting on with stuff to keep you off my back until it's time.

I'm like that."

I'm not a doctor,

I'm not a pedo.

I'm not even in the house. How long have you had that there?

I'm not even sure it's natural for us to have one mate for life.

I'm not giving you any money.

I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I?

I'm not gonna go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore.

I'm paying child's prices,

I'm sad, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm starting here today.

I'm starting work here today.

I'm still alone, angry, in pain. I can't wait to end it all. You?

I'm Tony.

I've given him a blowjob.

I've got a good feature for you.

I've got a thing with Jill. Only be a couple of hours. We'll be back by seven.

I've got a very high sex drive.

I've got another question then.

I've got some pictures of the date I had with the fat kid's mom the other

I've gotta go to work.

I've gotta go.

I've had some bad news this week, I have to say.

I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore.

If I become an arsehole,

If I can be bothered and stay awake.

If I fall on you, I'm not taking you to A&E.

If I had enough money,

If I was him, I'd wear glasses,

If it was a dog, you'd put it down.

If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for seven percent of her life.

If you could open a tin, I'd be dead now.

If you do set it off, you've gotta ring 'em.

If you like.

If you open the door, it'll set it off,

If you put the dishes straight in the dishwasher,

If you want any help, I could give you tips.

If you'd have been thin,

If you're not killing yourself tonight, still okay to look after George?

If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore.

In a puddle from a drain,

In the worst kind of pain.

In which case you'll wanna wear a dress suit.

Indian okay?

Interesting.

Is because they just get on with it.

Is either violence

Is he?

Is impossible.

Is often talking to a plumber on the estate

Is that how you were carried around when you were young?

Is the same thing that can stop that pain.

Is this going to be in next week's newspaper?

Is this really all you want me to do?

Is this your way of saying we're gonna split the bill?

Is when I don't go around

It can't just be chance, can it?

It did look like him, though.

It didn't happen. He made it up.

It distracts him.

It doesn't look like you are.

It don't build up.

It gave me time to think,

It goes out and mates...

It is a good stepping stone, and you can go on and do...

It is, yeah.

It is. A grown man being told what to wear.

It just went straight through me

It just won't look as good in this size.

It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves.

It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.

It sounds like Chewbacca.

It suits you.

It was a joke.

It was a stain on a wall.

It wasn't about you, though, Tony. The joke wasn't about you.

It?

It'll do you good.

It's a bit unprofessional giving me all this attitude, don't you think?

It's a disadvantage, if anything.

It's a miracle I'm still alive

It's all right.

It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.

It's awful. It's an awful future.

It's been nice chatting.

It's by the cat food.

It's coming this way.

It's Daphne.

It's distribution day.

It's drugs.

It's fine, seriously.

It's for children. [laughs]

It's gonna be good for team building.

It's good. All proper comedians.

It's good. You made me laugh,

It's hard for me to throw myself into my work, when my work

It's just a bit of a laugh. We do these stories

It's just a bit weird from someone who's looking after my dad as their job.

It's just no one's fault.

It's like a little bag.

It's like a superpower.

It's like I'm already dead inside, and yet I'm still...

It's my wife.

It's nice out there today. We'll get out in the garden later on, eh?

It's no big deal.

It's not 'cause they're unemployed, is it? And also, an adult's paying, so

It's not a waste of time, you working here.

It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth. We're not gonna put your diseases

It's not like giving them to a prostitute, is it?

It's nowhere near over for you.

It's Pat.

It's pathetic.

It's pretty rare in most species, I've gotta tell you.

It's smaller 'cause they're smaller. It's not a concession.

It's stopping.

It's the disease, right?

It's the rules.

It's up to me who I invite.

It's very rewarding as well. You get to go out into the community.

It's what depressed people do.

It's your post.

James Corden would come if Jacko walked in.

Jesus Christ!

Journalism.

Julian told me.

Julian?

Jump off the roof,

Just a postcard from Mike and Beth, whoever they are.

Just because you're all upset, everybody else has to feel upset.

Just been speaking to Jill,

Just fuck off.

Just fuckin' drench everyone.

Just God!

Just saw you washing

Just says, "Having a great time, and...

Just showing Sandy the ropes.

Just want a little taster.

Just wanted to see if you trusted me.

Just, erm... ignore that.

Just, the more we talked,

Just... stop feeling sad.

Kath does the advertising.

Kath's had three periods this month.

Keep going.

Kept the wife happy.

Kevin Hart,

Know that in there I'm still fucking in pain and the moment's ruined

Lenny does all the photography,

Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?

Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?

Light of my life.

Like a pug.

Like a road accident.

Like everyone else does here.

Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?

Like what?

Lisa,

Lisa's old room.

Literally invented by someone who got caught cheating.

Literally, it gets the horn,

Look at how happy you are.

Look at this.

Look, I just need a bit of professionalism around here, okay, Tony.

Look, I'm sorry about the whole...

Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,

Looks like P100125.jpg.

Loser. [clears throat]

Lost for words. It's just...

Lots of features. Sky's the limit.

Make a good column, though, wouldn't it, dreams?

Makes their cocks look massive.

Makes you think, dunnit?

Man who got sent the same birthday card five times.

Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.

Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...

Maybe the easy way out for you is to think there isn't an answer.

Me again.

Me too.

Might as well top yourself if you feel like that.

Mike's had diarrhea."

Mmm.

Money.

Most people are all right. They're just having a bad day.

My brother in law wants me to try dating again.

My choice

My Denise would be tickled by this.

My granddad never used to eat cabbages.

My husband did it.

My job now is to make you happy before you kill yourself?

My life was worthless, and I should definitely kill myself, and then...

My next appointment's not till three o'clock, actually.

My wife died...

My wife dying affected me a bit?

My wife.

Nah, he's a mate.

Nah, we're done for.

Never disagreed with me once.

Never heard any complaints.

Nice to meet you.

No bowls.

No offense,

No offense.

No one does compare.

No point in feeling sorry for ourselves

No time for that. [chuckles]

No worries.

No, bowel cancer.

No, but I do get it.

No, course not.

No, exactly. I put the food in my gob,

No, I do accept my unhappiness. I know exactly why I'm unhappy,

No, I don't care.

No, I get that.

No, I get the angle.

No, I know, but why... that?

No, I know, but...

No, I know. But is it for the best?

No, I mean, who are you meant to meet here?

No, I mean, why would you think I was joking about you being boring?

No, I meant... food.

No, I'm all right.

No, I'm just tired of doing things I don't wanna do,

No, I've had lunch.

No, I've just had one.

No, it's my pleasure.

No, it's not.

No, it's the way you said, "None of my business, I'm sure,"

No, it's... I...

No, Italian'd be best. Soak up the alcohol.

No, none taken.

No, not those ones, the real one in the Bible.

No, nothing like that. You'd never catch me eating cabbages.

No, she wasn't.

No, she's a friend of mine.

No, that's not true.

No, this is a great stepping stone, this place.

No, you can give it to me.

No, you won't.

No, you're not.

No?

No.

No. Tough time the second I get into my own house.

No. What?

Not a day goes by when I don't...

Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.

Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.

Not his friend or anything with a job he's embarrassed about on my behalf.

Not in 48 years. [chuckles]

Not injecting it.

Not on record anyway.

Not really, no.

Not really.

Nothing.

Nothing's as good if you don't share it.

Now he's decided to block me 'cause he couldn't take it.

Now I drink...

Now it's over. It's not your problem.

Now they can't. He can't even help himself, so I do.

Now, maybe you don't wanna know the answer.

Now, the male lives for a year,

Of course, and you know I get that. I even told Sandy about it.

Oh, all right. Let me take notes. This is dynamite. Go on.

Oh, discerning.

Oh, excellent.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God.

Oh, is that a dig? That I see him for ten minutes?

Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!

Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.

Oh, my I'm not even in the house.

Oh, my bad.

Oh, right. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, well, it was when the shading started to form around this bit here.

Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,

Oh!

Oh! [whispering] Oh my god.

Oh.

Oh. [laughs feebly]

Oh. Mr. Braden.

Oh. Thanks.

Oh... a food addiction.

Oh... Err...

Oh... right.

Okay, good. Well done.

Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day worrying about you

Okay, look, that's weird 'cause I definitely

Okay, try imagining if...

Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony. I'm tired, mate.

Okay, well never say those words again.

Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be home with my wife and son,

Okay.

Okay. Do you have a name?

Okay. Yeah, I'll book that.

One of my clients

One try, one hit.

Only what?

Only you know that, really.

Or are you apologizing in advance?

Or hand over my money peacefully

Or Ra, or Ganesh?

Or someone finding a hat in a tree. We're not gonna go with,

Or they're worried you'll hurt their family or...

Our lovely house.

Out me back.

Overdose. She got him into it, I think.

Pedo!

People posting nasty, fucking hateful opinions that aren't even theirs

Perfect. That's great.

Please don't be Julian. Please don't be Julian.

Please.

Postman Pat?

Presumably in your old round, you put things through the door, didn't you?

Pretend to be normal for the ten minutes that you're with him?

Princess Diana.

Put it through the door.

Quite a scoop.

Really easy day at work.

Really excellent bunch of people.

Really?

Recorders in.

Remember that, all right?

Remember?

Right, cuppa tea.

Right, here we go at last.

Right, I'll see you later.

Right, it's going. Come on.

Right, let's get you sorted, give you a wee comb.

Right, okay, but you didn't kill yourself, did you?

Right, shoes on. See you later, mate.

Right, that's where you're wrong.

Right?

Right.

Right. So he's allowed to joke about suicide, but I'm not allowed to

Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.

Robbing money thing. It's not really me.

Roxy.

Rude.

Same.

Say a few things that are a bit...

Saying that their building didn't get any papers delivered.

Saying you're my cleaner.

Scottish, mouthy.

See what you think of this then.

See ya.

See you later.

See you tomorrow.

See you, Dad.

See, this is why I don't want kids. They're too snotty and pathetic.

Seven? By seven?

Sex worker.

Shall we go to the cafe?

She died earlier this year.

She gets away with it 'cause she's an arsehole.

She injected herself, so...

She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.

She passed away last year.

She was here this morning.

She was hungry, so I thought I'd better feed her.

She'd know how she died. You know, what happened.

She'd noticed my style before my personality.

She's 93.

She's dead, Dad.

She's gonna be working under you. If you could...

She's having a go, Stan.

She's just started today. It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,

She's learning a lot.

She's more your age.

She's new.

She's nice, right?

She's not at peace. She's in a room with you and James fuckin' Corden.

Should've made him put it through the letterbox.

Show her the ropes, tell her what's what.

Since the court case.

Sitting here, front row. What's your story?

Sitting on the sofa with the dog. [chuckles]

Skull exploded. Poof! Efficient.

So are you apologizing for being an arsehole so far,

So he shoves recorders up his nose and he wants the world to know.

So I thought I'd leave you a little guide to life without me.

So I thought, show willing, bought us all tickets.

So I tried my teeth, and my teeth were loose,

So I'll take advantage of you,

So I've got lots of time. [chuckles]

So if you could come around every night and talk to me for five minutes,

So if you're interested in that...

So just all about you, then?

So people read them and go, "Oh, that's interesting."

So that's why I nearly killed myself straight away.

So this is... This is Sandy.

So we'd be able to sort that out, once and for all.

So we'd have a lot in common?

So what are you ordering?

So what kind of thing are you interested in, would you say?

So what sort of journalism are you interested in?

So when people said, "Who's Kenneth Branagh?"

So you can quiz her about how she died?

So you've brought this poor woman back to life

So you've got this guy, absolutely fucking hated that joke.

So, clearly, you know, something made you stop.

So, everything moves on, dunnit?

So, everything's a bonus.

So, how are you?

So, I thought, right, let's have a bit of that.

So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.

So, what are you gonna wear?

So, where did God come from?

So, yeah.

Some of the guys are trying to get me to go on a date.

Some people just feel more comfortable around animals then they do around people.

Someone will make me angry, and that's the day ruined.

Sometimes they don't think, they get caught up. They're just trying to survive.

Sometimes.

Sorry about that.

Sorry about the whole...

Sorry, am I boring you?

Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking someone off?

Sorry, what?

Sorry.

Sorry. Yeah, I know. Okay.

Spend every available minute I could with Lisa.

Stan was my husband.

Stay active.

Stay sane.

Stick that on your sports page.

Still have my downs,

Stupid question.

Stupid thing!

Sucking off some fuckin' nonce at the football." Think!

Sure thing.

Sure?

Swearing. Be serious!

Ta.

Take the file P100124.jpg,

Talking of birds, I went on a date with the fat kid's mom the other night.

Tell her my situation, tell her what I'm going through,

Tell you what, misery guts. This might cheer you up... um...

Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.

Thank you. Come here, girl.

Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd, you really are.

Thanks.

That he has the cock of a Chinaman. [laughing]

That he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.

That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up? 'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.

That looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh"?

That made the front cover.

That man can do anything.

That might feel nice, right?

That said if you have that dream and tell other people about it,

That skinny little fucker.

That sounds...

That the sort of thing...

That was easy, wasn't it?

That was funny.

That you still think life's worth living.

That you won't even question "women's problems."

That'd be really good.

That's £68, please.

That's a good question.

That's all I'm doing here, okay?

That's amazing.

That's because you're hurt

That's cheered me up.

That's how I don't believe in yours.

That's like a constant ticking clock for me now, is it?

That's only on the children's menu, I'm afraid.

That's probably a bad start, is it, getting hit?

That's ridiculous.

That's so lovely.

That's the beauty of it.

That's the way it is now.

That's the worst superhero I've ever heard of.

That's what I'm saying.

That's why they call them sports socks!

That's your PIN code.

The amount of people that still expect all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts

The consistency,

The dead always want to tell their story so they can be at peace.

The fucking banal seem mildly interesting.

The garage is that massive thing on the side of the 'ouse.

The girls here have discovered

The house can be quite full of life.

The look on the dog's face.

The more we drank.

The next minute, everything's taken away from you.

The number's in your phone under "alarm." The alarm code is 8645.

The only guy with mental problems.

The salt's in the garage.

The spike would have missed you altogether, wouldn't it?

The threat of death is worse than giving you money,

Their healing power.

Then I remember.

Then the alarm company think we're getting broken into.

There are people in your life who care about you,

There is a woman on.

There is no bright future in journalism.

There is... an Australian mouse.

There it is.

There was a guy who worked here a while ago,

There was blood everywhere.

There you go.

There you go. Easy, innit?

There's a new comedy club in town, just opened. They're advertising with us,

There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful

There's only one thing that'd make me better and happy,

These days, it's a minefield.

They don't know.

They helped us when they could,

They tried.

Think I'll have that.

Think of killing myself.

This is a local paper about old ladies, their big fat cat,

This is good schtick. You know, dark and down.

This is Sandy, who works for me.

This must be why they call it a habit.

Thought it was their own fault.

Thought so.

Thought so. [chuckles]

Thought you were atheist.

Thought you were gonna grab the back of my neck.

Threw himself off Beachy Head, hit the rocks,

Tinned products, aisle two.

Tips on style.

To make you happy.

To maybe start dating again.

To most people,

To two useless little cunts.

Told you.

Told you...

Tonight?

Tony, come on. What's going on?

Tony, that doesn't make sense. You're a rational man.

Tony, we're here to ask and answer difficult questions about yourself.

Tony's the head of features.

Tough day at work?

Trust me.

Trust your cleaner. Give your keys to your cleaner.

Try and get promoted, or...

Trying to be.

Twenty quids' worth.

Twice.

Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag, hit her on the head and she let go.

Two sugars.

Uh uh uh.

Um, maybe don't bring up the wanting to kill yourself thing.

Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?

Use it wisely.

Vegetable curry for me then.

Very dynamic, lots of people in and out all the time.

Very smart, very experienced, good guy. Erm...

Want me to bring you more doughnuts, fat boy?

Wanting to shoot random strangers in the face

Was a bit grabby.

Was probably the only human being I actually liked, and my dog is second.

Wasn't here long.

Watching her bothering us while we're trying to work?

Watching telly, or listening to music, or just talking.

We all do things we'd rather not do.

We are journalists. We work for a newspaper.

We could share them.

We didn't want the night to end.

We don't have anything in common.

We don't know what they're feeling.

We haven't stopped whinging since we got here. No offense.

We say there's nothing going on inside to make ourselves feel better,

We'd sort of get home, open a bottle of wine...

We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite,

We're not journalists.

We're not just here for us, we're here for others.

We're putting out a free local newspaper that no one cares about.

We've all got excuses.

We've got some exciting leads at the moment.

We've got to help each other struggle through till we die,

Welcome.

Well I think it's in there somewhere.

Well,

Well, all men are awful,

Well, cheers.

Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?

Well, for dinner, she might wear a ball gown,

Well, go on. What are you going to say to her? I'll be your date.

Well, hang on. She's also a widow.

Well, he told Ireney Tindall that he'd like to do her from behind.

Well, he'll have fish fingers and beans...

Well, I don't like.

Well, I imagine you're awful with women.

Well, I'm just saying. Just checking, you're all right.

Well, I'm sure you gave as good as you got.

Well, I've learned a lot.

Well, if you carry on like this, I might have to let you go.

Well, it just went right through me, right through me side,

Well, let's hope you're still my postman when I'm blind.

Well, maybe I could come third.

Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she?

Well, she said yes.

Well, Sheila was in a terrible mood again. Well...

Well, the only mental case out there.

Well, there is an answer, but you seem...

Well, they could have had some acid or stabbed you or something.

Well, this is fun.

Well, why are you paying me?

Well, why don't you look at it as your first lovers' tiff?

Well, you know how you don't believe in all those other gods I mentioned?

Well, you should probably go on a date, then. [laughs nervously]

Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.

Well...

Well... the big difference is...

Well... this.

Well... Zeus?

What about just...

What about you?

What are you, the Inland Revenue?

What d'you mean?

What did you buy?

What diseases I've had.

What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex wife?

What do you mean, "What's the point?"

What do you mean?

What do you want exactly?

What do you want me to say?

What for?

What I don't know is why I pay someone who doesn't care about me.

What if a nice date made her feel good?

What if he brings it up?

What is the point?

What street they live in. People love that.

What the hell does that mean?

What, role play?

What, so I've got to know that... too?

What, the Big Bang?

What, you? Really?

What?

What? I can't win, can I?

What? What's the matter?

What?! He is not a fat, hairy, nosy cocksucker.

What'd you do with the money? As if I didn't know.

What's he say?

What's it say?

What's the worst that can happen?

What's your name then, man?

What's your name?

What's your story, Tony?

When did that start?

When did you... first notice it?

When I was with...

When they sort of magnify a snail, like one thousand times, eating a cabbage.

When you slow down on the motorway you go,

When's that bothered the press before? [snickers]

Where's Lisa?

Where's the cat food?

Where's your bowl?

Which is not like neck at all.

While you can.

Who died.

Who hired you?

Who would yours be? Five people, dead or alive.

Who's a cleaner, my cleaner.

Who's grown a potato that looks like Lionel Richie.

Who's that?

Who's useless? Who's useless?

Why am I paying you, then?

Why are you so sarcastic all the time?

Why are you telling me that?

Why couldn't you go through with it?

Why didn't Jesus save her?

Why didn't the doctors make her better?

Why do you believe that someone created it all?

Why do you do what you do?

Why do you live in a garage at all?

Why do you say that, though?

Why do you wanna work here?

Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?

Why don't you just go along with it?

Why don't you throw yourself into your work?

Why from behind?

Why not? Fuck it.

Why would he bring it up?

Why would I need some tips?

Why would people rather be famous for being shit than not famous at all?

Why would we share them? They're mine.

Why would you say drugs?

Why would you wanna do that?

Why wouldn't she be all right with me grabbing his neck?

Why wouldn't you just rather get better and be happy?

Why, indeed.

Why?

With about a hundred females.

With that look on your face, like,

With the money you stole from me?

Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.

Work's outing.

Worst dinner party ever.

Worst one: sex addiction.

Wow!

Wow. [scoffs, stutters]

Wow. You had that dream with the baby and the teeth and the hair?

Writing features.

Yahweh.

Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, and that newspaper is used to line cat litter trays

Yeah, anytime.

Yeah, but if you start here, you'll end here.

Yeah, but it's only £4.99.

Yeah, but we made it cheaper 'cause it's for kids.

Yeah, but you know, he can't help it, though, can he?

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, good luck.

Yeah, I know that, boss.

Yeah, I know, 'cause it's a smaller portion.

Yeah, I know, but you've gotta support the arts.

Yeah, I was transferred

Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.

Yeah, I'm not very hungry.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions for something that isn't your business.

Yeah, it's probably best if you smoke a bit in a joint.

Yeah, loads.

Yeah, of course he can.

Yeah, we'll rush this through.

Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't care what she is.

Yeah. Leave him there for a while.

Yeah. What time did we say?

Yeah. What's your name?

Yep.

Yes, I've got money.

Yes, please.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes. Sandy.

You all right, Dad?

You all right, George?

You all right, yeah?

You are!

You are.

You are. You're lovely.

You asked the fat kid's mom out on a date?

You can still be happy.

You can trust me, yeah.

You can, though.

You can't feel sorry for yourself.

You can't just go around being rude to people.

You can't just leave them outside.

You couldn't do a caricature of him

You disgusting

You don't even believe in an afterlife.

You don't have to babysit me.

You don't know a lot about addiction, then.

You don't take any shit off him, all right?

You fuckin' pig.

You get a lovely little handful of his neck.

You go, "Yeah, over here." He's like, "Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."

You haven't given up yet, have you?

You just click it, move it across, pop it in the folder.

You know how grumpy you get when things don't go your way.

You know that one at the top of the road?

You know the assistant manager of Tambury FC?

You know this.

You know what? It's a mouthful of painkiller.

You know you've got to ring a buzzer to get into the actual building?

You know, absolutely nothing, apart from eating,

You know, I haven't...

You know, most people just think it was her fault.

You know, there's no wooing, there's no "Are we compatible?"

You left the keys in the door.

You married?

You meant?

You nearly took some pills? Jesus Christ.

You need a plan B.

You need some tips.

You need to grow up.

You never know what's around the corner. One minute you're...

You only get AIDS if you share needles.

You said, "Anything for 50 quid."

You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?

You start here, then you go on to have a bright future in journalism.

You sure I can't give you anything for this?

You told her I'm still married?

You told me? Great.

You upset quite a few people today, didn't you, Ray?

You will do a good job, won't you?

You won't, that's what I'm saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke.

You... erm... sure you don't want a bit of this in it?

You'd be apologizing for arguing with someone you like, someone who's nice.

You'd just be lying next to a spike. Not a problem.

You'll definitely do that here.

You'll give me another warning. I'll ignore it.

You'll laugh.

You're bitter, and angry,

You're boring.

You're born like it. You can't contrive it. You're just decent.

You're in pain.

You're joking, aren't you?

You're like a troll on Twitter.

You're meant to be teaching Sandy

You're never very good at hearing how lovely you are.

You're new, aren't you?

You're only asking me that 'cause of what I do.

You're only mad if they answer back.

You're really fucking boring.

You're right. God did it.

You're sad.

You're useless.

You've done it now anyway. Just in time.

You've gotta turn the alarm off in the morning, yeah?

You've invited multimillionaire Rowan Atkinson, right,

Your dog should be on a lead.

Your mum?

Your real name.

[audience laughs] Oh yeah.

[biker groans] [metallic clank]

[biker] Fuckin' let go! [girl] Fuck off!

[birds chirruping] [dog panting]

[both laughing] ♪ Shadows settle ♪

[Braden] Hey. You all right? Good. All right, George?

[Braden] I'm sorry. It's fine, seriously.

[Braden] Julian? [Julian] Yeah.

[Braden] No. Have you forgotten that?

[Braden] The truth's important to you. Yeah.

[Braden] Thirty five pounds, right? Yeah.

[Braden] Yeah. Right, let's get to the bottom of that

[Brian] Okay. See you again.

[camera beeps] [Tony] Fuck me.

[cashier] That everything? Yeah.

[crowd] Ah. Come on, sadder than that.

[curtain swishes] Here he comes.

[cutlery clattering] [sighs]

[distant telephone ringing] [Kath sighs]

[door bell rings] [Lisa laughing]

[doorbell rings] Oh. Oh, no.

[Emma laughs hysterically] [Tony snickering]

[Emma] All right, bye. Cheers.

[George] Yeah. Yeah. Come on then.

[klaxon honks] [Lisa squeals and laughs]

[klaxon honks] [screaming]

[klaxon hoots] [Lisa screams]

[laughs softly] He's disgusting.

[Lenny chewing noisily] Fuck me!

[Lenny] Cheers. [woman] Thanks.

[Lenny] Okay. Lunch or dinner? What difference does that make?

[Lisa laughs] She's a laughing stock.

[Lisa] I'm old. Look, I'm drunk. Come on.

[Lisa] Yeah, that bit. [Tony laughing]

[Lisa] You can sign that bit. [doorbell rings]

[man] Are you taking notes? Yeah, all in there.

[man] Been a bit down lately. Ahh.

[panting] [footsteps retreating]

[recorders whistle] [Lenny] Stick em up. There ya go.

[Sandy sighs] What?

[Sandy] Come on. Really?

[stuttering] Sorry. Yeah.

[Tony exhales] You stink. Never mind that.

[Tony laughing hysterically] Oh, my God, Tony! [laughs]

[Tony sighs] Look, just ignore him, okay.

[Tony, shouting] Do you take requests? What?

[Tony] Ahh, tough day at work? No.

[Tony] D'you know where I live? Yeah.

[Tony] Hi. [nurse] Sorry about that. Hi.

[Tony] Hi. Hello.

[Tony] How long did that take? [Lisa] I'd say...

[Tony] No. Come on!

[Tony] No. Sexual exploits?

[Tony] No. You come in. Tony, come in!

[Tony] No. Okay. Right, go. Go. [laughing]

[Tony] Of course you do. Number one, James Corden.

[Tony] See ya later. [Lenny] See ya.

[Tony] This is... Nice to meet you.

[Tony] Unbelievable. Why?

[Tony] What did you say to the mother? Asked if I could call her.

[Tony] What? Why'd you do this to me?

[Tony] What's my story? Yeah.

[Tony] Where's my money? Okay, calm down.

[Tony] Whoa! Argh! [laughing] [Lisa laughing hysterically]

[Tony] Why? What do you mean, "why?"

[Tony] You all right? Yeah.

[Tony] You showing her the ropes, yeah? [Lenny] Big time.

[waiter] Any particular sort? Large.

[whooping] I'm flying! [Tony whoops]

[woman] Oh, cheers. Pleasure.

[woman] Tony. [Tony, sighing] Ohh.

[woman] Yeah. [Tony] Yeah. Cool.

♪ Lovely day, lovely day... ♪ [sighs]

Ahh. [Emma continues laughing]

Ahh. I haven't got it on me, have I?

All right, see ya later. See ya later.

All right? [Sandy] Hi.

All right? Okay.

All right? Some post.

All right? Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

And does. I know the cool kids don't like him,

And what else? [panting]

Annoying little fuckers. [laughs and sighs]

Anything else? Please say yes. Oh, yeah. He told Winston Freeman

Are you goin' in there? Yeah.

Are you gonna do that story? Yeah, we're off to do it now. Come on.

Are you mad? [grunts] [Tony] No.

As a chauffeur mainly. He's a grafter, like me.

at the window. [Lisa] You prick.

Be nice. Yeah.

Because you're old! I'm not old.

Bought some drugs. Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.

Brandy, you look so glamorous! [Tony] Oh...

but are those your own teeth? [laughing]

But you do. Yeah.

Can I tell you about the specials? [together, sighing] No.

Can you give that to him? Yeah, course.

Cheers, thanks. Cheers.

Cheers. [Braden] There he is. All right?

complicated. Well, none of my business, I'm sure.

Crystals. Told you.

Did I? Yeah.

Did you not want any kids? No.

Did you... wanna see me? Yeah.

Disgusting. See you later.

Do you know who that is? No.

Do you remember that film Pretty Woman? Yep.

Does he agree? Of course.

Doing my fuckin' head in. [Braden] All right.

Don't tell your mum and dad I said that. I won't.

Err... [Lenny] Hm.

For what? For...

For what? It doesn't matter.

Fuck me. We could do that Carpool Karaoke.

Fuck off! Okay? [thug groans]

Fuck off. [Sandy laughs]

Fuckin' hell! [loud crunching]

George! I'm sorry, erm...

Gimme my money! Be careful with him.

Got hit in the head with a hammer. She got hit in the head with a hammer?

Gotta do what you've gotta do. You have, indeed... and...

Great. Exactly.

Had a good time? Yeah, good. Off you Fuck.

have fun. [laughs nervously]

Have you heard of Emma Thompson? Yeah.

Have you? No.

having fun? It won't be fun.

Hello, Sandy. Hello.

Hello. [Tony] You all right?

Hello. Don't come out. This fat cunt's

Hey, what are you doing here? [Tony] Because...

Hi. Oh, hi.

How can you not believe in God? [Tony] Which one?

How many portions do you have a day? Ten.

Hungry? Yeah.

I can't concentrate with that [crunching]

I could bring it over later, though. Right.

I don't care. What if they'd stabbed me?

I don't really think that's the issue. No, sure

I don't wanna walk with it, do I? Why not?

I know, but that's good if you're drunk. No, it's stupid.

I know. Yeah.

I was asleep. I'm soaked. [Tony chuckling]

I wouldn't worry about it. No, I know.

I'll get you some real food later. [whines]

I'm a member of a swingers' club. [Tony] Urgh.

I'm fucking soaked. [Tony cackling]

I'm honored. Good.

I've got problems. Go on.

I've told her all about you Yeah?

if you're interested. No.

Is it? Mmm.

It gets your metabolism up. No! You [shouts]

It won't. Tony, it will. Give it a chance.

It's exciting. What is?

It's more like breast or scrotum. Well, you're not touching them.

It's not a problem, is it? No.

Just a line. [man] Yeah.

Leads? Yeah.

like you thought it was your business. No, I didn't.

Look, you've freaked the dog out. [Tony laughing]

Michael Jackson. [Tony scoffs]

Mmm. Wow, I don't know if it was Freud or Jung

Morning. Morning.

Mr. Bean. Fictional.

No dog food. [whines]

No need to wear a suit. I won't.

No one's interested in your diseases. Oh, aren't they?

No, come on. Yeah.

No, I can't remember his name. Oh, he made it big then?

No, I get that. I mean, he doesn't know your situation.

No, I know. You know, can you not just maybe

No, you haven't. [Kath] Rude.

No. [loud crunching]

No. No, I was gonna say...

No. No?

No. No? All right.

No. Then you're missing a trick

Not this. Oh, right.

Oh, I did. Oh, I believe you.

Oh, my God! What did you do that for? [Brandy barking and whining]

Oh, right. I dunno. [Roxy laughs]

Oh, you're such a twat. [Tony laughing]

Oh. [scanner beeps]

Oh. Oh.

Okay, no worries. See you then. Yep.

okay, since you lost Lisa. Do you reckon...

Okay. [Tony] Come in.

Okay. [whispering] Okay. Shhhh.

Okay. No, I meant I'd make you one, but...

Okay. What were you doing with his neck?

PC gone mad, innit? [camera clicks]

Please? No.

Potatoes don't count. None, then.

Really? [Tony] Really?

Right [Braden] Got a takeaway?

Right, I'd better get back to work. Oh, okay.

Right. No, I get that. Everybody can.

See you later, Stan. [Anne chuckles]

See you later! Hope so.

See you tomorrow. All right?

Sex worker. Right.

shat himself. Are you from the paper?

She's There you are. Ahhh!

She's gonna tell us anyway . [Kath] I was looking in the mirror,

Slacks? Are you from the 1940s?

Smack, a bit of hash. Right.

Smart jeans, nice shirt. Exactly, yeah.

So I could have got five hours for that? Yeah.

So I'll be back about seven. Make sure it is. I've got that thing.

Sometimes. [Kath] Mmm.

Stop saying that. We are. Not.

Take a picture. [Lenny] Yeah.

ten minutes. [Tony] Brilliant.

That good? Mm.

That's an excuse. It's not an excuse. It's a reason.

That's four, innit? Yeah.

That's really good. [Lisa] Thanks.

The point is [Kath] Bill Coombes.

There's a surprise. Apologize to her.

They are leads. Go on. What leads?

They don't whinge all the time Unlike you.

This is stupid. You're gonna get hurt. Why?

This isn't fucking journalism. You've gotta start somewhere.

This'll cheer the wife up no end. [Tony] Will it?

Thoughts? It's fine.

Tony. Tony. There we go. Not so hard.

Ugly. [chuckling] Oh right.

We used to go to the pub all the time. No!

We're journalists. No, we're not.

We're not journalists. We are.

Well, no. I mean To your sister.

Well, that was really silly. Why?

Well, this is nice. Mmm.

Well, we know a lovely lady Oh, a date?

Well, you did. What's wrong with you?

went on to work for The Guardian. What was his name?

What Why can't you just be normal?

What "leads" do we have? All right.

What can I get for ya? We're having the fish fingers and beans.

What do you mean? Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.

What doesn't matter? Why I'm apologizing.

What fruit and veg? Meant to have five a day.

What is wrong with you? No, what is wrong with you?

What, 'cause you're not nice? I dunno.

What? [laughs]

What? Dogs should be on a lead.

What? What's that face? It's a nice name.

What's that? Tiny little hands.

Where d'you get that? Postman gave it to me.

Where d'you get that? Up the park, by the swings.

Where's the other one? Which one?

Whiskey? [chuckles]

Who the fuck are you? I'll be whoever you want me to be.

Who, though? Doesn't matter, as long as they're dead.

Who? Greek god.

Who's Sandy? The new girl.

Who's that? Local nutter.

Why are you talking to me like this? Will you report me?

Why do you let him get away with this? I don't. [stuttering]

Why is that good? Oh mate, clients love 'em.

Why not? I'm not a postman.

Why would you need to call her? For a date.

Why? Well, first impressions are important.

Why? What do you mean, "why"?

Wow. Wow indeed.

Yeah Thoughtful.

Yeah, good. Yeah?

yeah? Yep.

Yeah. [camera clicks]

Yeah. [Tony] Go on.

Yeah. Forget it!

Yeah. What?

Yeah. Yeah. Great place to work, this.

Yep. Yep.

Yes, we are. Not.

You all right with that? Yeah, fine. [sighs]

You all right with that? Yeah.

You both do. [Tony sighs]

You could've done that. No, I couldn't.

You don't believe in anything. Yes, I do.

You don't need to answer What?

You got any money? No.

You had your tea? No.

You haven't even heard it yet. [Tony] No need.

You know, just straight through the Flab.

You ready, Jabba? [Lenny] One minute.

You'll just eat one of them, won't ya? Nah.

You'll warn me. I'll ignore it. What?

You're a friend of his are you? Yeah.

You're so narrow minded. No.

You're such a dick! [Tony laughing] Oh!

...Daphne,

.Hello. Hello.

'Cause every time you ask me about it, it really fucking hurts, okay?

'Cause he's an arsehole.

'cause I can't share it with her, okay?

'cause I didn't want to.

'Cause I haven't got a job.

'Cause I need a new piss stained mattress.

'cause I want the night to end.

'Cause I want to show the world what I've got, what I can do,

'cause I write my own jokes. D'you wanna hear one?

'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.

'Cause it stops me killing people, including myself.

'Cause it'll only make you feel worse in the long run.

'Cause that is your job.

'cause the doctor said, because I'm so big,

'cause their editor told them to, to get clickbait for fucking advertisers

'cause when I do, I get even more fucking depressed because...

'Cause you know she's right.

'Cause you're useless.

'Course.

"Fuck me.

"Hands up, anyone whose wife has died and is thinking about killing themselves,"

"I should be dead now."

"I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog. I'm loving it."

"Is she my soulmate?" There's none of that.

"It's not my fault. I'm addicted."

"Oh, here's Brian Gittens, local man done proud,

"Oh, I couldn't help running over someone in my car when I was pissed.

"Oh, that's interesting. Oh, I wish I hadn't looked."

"Oh!"

"That's a nice card."

"You know, big, red glasses."

["Into My Arms" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds playing]

["Lady Marmalade" playing]

["London's Burning" on the recorder]

["Lovely Day" by Bill Withers]

[Anne] No, neither do I. Load of rubbish.

[audience laughing]

[barks]

[biker] Cunt!

[birds chirping]

[birds chirruping]

[birds twittering]

[boy] Pedo!

[Braden] Everyone, listen up.

[Braden] Gotta get the papers out. Thank you.

[Braden] Great.

[Braden] Not true, actually, no.

[Braden] Okay, well, I'm glad we had this chat.

[Braden] Okay.

[Braden] So what? So...

[Braden] They're crisps. They're crunchy.

[Braden] Was that all right?

[Braden] We've had a few calls from people

[Braden] Well, yes. Why don't you?

[Braden] Yeah.

[Braden] You all right?

[Brandy panting]

[Brandy whines]

[breathes in deeply]

[buttons clicking]

[camera beeps]

[camera clicks]

[can opening]

[car engine starts]

[children playing and shouting]

[children shouting]

[chuckles]

[chuckling]

[chuckling] But then when I got the third,

[chuckling] Yeah. Blimey. Did me head in.

[clears throat] Can I get paid now?

[clock ticking]

[computer keyboard clattering]

[crowd, louder] Ahhh!

[crunching loudly]

[curses under breath] No fuckin' milk!

[customers chattering]

[cutlery tinkling]

[dance music from shop]

[dog barking]

[dog panting]

[door bell rings]

[door closes]

[door shuts, keys jangle]

[door shuts]

[doorbell rings]

[Emma chuckling]

[Emma] All right, Ireney?

[Emma] All right. Fine.

[Emma] Yeah...

[engine getting louder]

[engine roaring]

[exhales]

[food sloshes]

[footsteps approaching]

[footsteps]

[high voice] Come on! You come in the sea with me! You come in.

[huffs]

[indistinct dialogue]

[Julian] Ah.

[Julian] All right. Cheers.

[Julian] Okay.

[Kath] He's a lorry driver now.

[Kath] I said I could have got 'em for free.

[Kath] Mm.

[Kath] Thought of another feature for the paper, actually.

[keyboard clattering]

[keyboard clicking]

[keyboard clicks]

[kids chattering and shouting]

[laughing] No, course not.

[laughs insincerely]

[laughs softly]

[laughs under breath]

[laughs]

[laughs] And it does.

[laughs] They're bullshit.

[laughter]

[Lenny and woman muttering]

[Lenny] I didn't wanna do it in his house.

[Lenny] Say you wanna use this photo here, you just...

[Lenny] Talking of fun,

[Lenny] Thank you.

[Lenny] There you go.

[Lenny] Yes, please.

[Lisa, screaming] Oh my God!

[Lisa] Don't wallow, hey?

[Lisa] Happy with that.

[Lisa] It was her idea.

[Lisa] It's no one's fault what's happened.

[Lisa] Look...

[Lisa] Oh, Tony!

[Lisa] Yeah, where I jumped.

[Lisa] You always found so much joy in everything, all the little things.

[man] But then, five... I mean,

[man] Err... Okay?

[man] What?

[man] When I got the first one, I thought,

[melancholy music]

[melancholy piano]

[mellow guitar music]

[moans]

[mouthing]

[muffled] That's done. And then check the next image.

[music gets quieter]

[music stops]

[nervously] Umbrellas are weird, aren't they? Do you ever...

[nurse sighs]

[nurse] Hi.

[nurse] Right.

[nurse] So just in case,

[packet thuds]

[Pat huffs]

[phone ringing in distance]

[postman] Oh.

[quietly] Fuck me.

[quietly] Good girl.

[quietly] I'm sorry.

[quietly] Where's your fuckin' dad?

[recorder continues]

[recorder hits high notes]

[Roxy] See ya later.

[Roxy] You would be surprised

[Sandy chuckles]

[Sandy laughs]

[Sandy] Erm...

[scoffs]

[scoffs] God, man, where do I start?

[seagulls squawking]

[sex worker groans and moans]

[sex worker] This is the worst.

[shrieking]

[sighing] I don't know how you do it.

[sighing] I know mine.

[sighing] Oh, good.

[sighing] That went well.

[sighing] You all right, Dad?

[sighs deeply]

[sighs]

[sighs] I've gotta go.

[sighs] You fat twat!

[snickering] How old's Charlie Willis?

[snickers quietly]

[snickers]

[snickers] Look at the size of it, mate.

[snorts quietly]

[snorts]

[softly] Okay.

[somber music]

[telephone rings]

[therapist scoffs] I'd love to meet him.

[thug coughing]

[thug coughs]

[thug] All right, mate. You got any money?

[Tony groans]

[Tony laughing loudly]

[Tony laughing]

[Tony panting]

[Tony sighs deeply]

[Tony sighs]

[Tony, cackling] You're not a real vicar, I can tell.

[Tony, sighing] Oh, fuck.

[Tony, under breath] Fuck's sake.

[Tony, whispers] Wow.

[Tony] About 40 minutes, right. 'Cause I was just waiting like a dog

[Tony] Ah!

[Tony] Brilliant. Okay, cheers.

[Tony] Fuck me!

[Tony] Funny, 'cause it was only this morning, I was thinking

[Tony] Good choice.

[Tony] Good girl.

[Tony] He asked.

[Tony] He did. He asked me a question, so I told him the truth.

[Tony] He's nodding.

[Tony] I could see the look of disappointment when I went in his shop.

[Tony] I couldn't believe it.

[Tony] I like to think that I helped

[Tony] I've been getting a bit of pressure...

[Tony] It's all right. See ya later.

[Tony] It's good for you. It gets your heart going.

[Tony] Let go, sweetie. Let go.

[Tony] My dad's completely gone now.

[Tony] No. I tell you what would be good. I haven't been sleeping,

[Tony] Not yet.

[Tony] Off to buy some smack?

[Tony] Oh, for f

[Tony] Right, well...

[Tony] Ring the doorbell.

[Tony] Seems odd. You meet a woman who wants to get a fat kid in the paper,

[Tony] So, I make some notes at the time,

[Tony] So... his wife gets mugged by a motorcycle gang,

[Tony] Sure.

[Tony] Tips on style?

[Tony] Um...

[Tony] Unprofessional. Embarrassing.

[Tony] Was it though?

[Tony] We're not gonna put it on the sports page.

[Tony] Well

[Tony] What d'you fancy? Mmm...

[Tony] Yeah, very constructive.

[Tony] Yep.

[Tony] You know I know how you feel?

[Tony] You looked hot!

[tuts]

[under breath] Fuckin' 'ell.

[under breath] Oh, fuck's sake.

[weakly] I don't need to go shopping.

[whines]

[whispering] ...when he's masturbating.

[whispering] I'll try, but stop crying

[whispers] Good girl.

[wistful music]

[woman] It's about 40 quid, and then, you know. What you gonna

[woman] No, I know the story. But seriously though,

[woman] Oh, this happens. People like you just don't see it from your ivory tower.

[woman] Well, we went to that nice Greek restaurant that we usually go to.

[woman] You're late.

♪ 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs ♪

♪ 'Till touch down brings me round again to find ♪

♪ A lovely day ♪

♪ And I don't believe in the existence of angels ♪

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time... ♪

♪ And I'm gonna be high ♪

♪ And if you're in love ♪

♪ And if you're still breathing You're the lucky ones ♪

♪ And something without warning, love ♪

♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪

♪ And the world's all right with me ♪

♪ And you caused it ♪

♪ As a kite by then ♪

♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪

♪ Bong bong bong ♪

♪ Burning out his fuse up here alone ♪

♪ But I know, darling... ♪

♪ But if I did I would kneel down and ask him ♪

♪ But if I did I would summon them together... ♪

♪ But looking at you I wonder if that's true ♪

♪ Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home ♪

♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪

♪ Destroy the middle It's a waste of time ♪

♪ Destroy the middle It's a waste of time... ♪

♪ From the perfect start ♪

♪ Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya, here ♪

♪ He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans ♪

♪ Hey sister, go sister Soul sister, go sister ♪

♪ I don't believe in an interventionist God ♪

♪ I like to watch things on TV ♪

♪ I miss my wife ♪

♪ I miss the Earth so much ♪

♪ I packed my bags last night Preflight ♪

♪ I watched it for a little while ♪

♪ I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget ♪

♪ I'm a rocket man ♪

♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home ♪

♪ If he felt he had to direct you Then direct you into my arms ♪

♪ Into my arms ♪

♪ It was a flood that wrecked this home ♪

♪ It's lonely out in space ♪

♪ Just one look at you ♪

♪ Leave you as you are ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day... ♪

♪ Mocha chocolata, ya ya ♪

♪ My eyes are damp from the words you left ♪

♪ Not to intervene when it came to you... ♪

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, not to touch a hair on your head ♪

♪ On such a timeless flight ♪

♪ On the place that you left ♪

♪ Our minds are troubled by the emptiness ♪

♪ Ringing in my head ♪

♪ Rocket man ♪

♪ Sat el ite of... ♪

♪ Satellite of love ♪

♪ Satellite... ♪

♪ Satellite's gone up to the skies ♪

♪ Setting fire to our insides for fun ♪

♪ Shadows settle on the place that you left ♪

♪ She said, "Hello. Hey, Joe ♪

♪ Struttin' her stuff on the street ♪

♪ That you do ♪

♪ Then I look at you ♪

♪ Then you are the lucky one ♪

♪ Things like that drive me out of my mind ♪

♪ To the finish line ♪

♪ Uh huh Gitchie, gitchie, ya ya, da da ♪

♪ Well I've lost it all I'm just a silhouette ♪

♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪

♪ When you broke my chest ♪

♪ You wanna give it a go?" ♪

♪ Zero hour, 9:00 a.m. ♪

After Life (2019) - Season 1
After Life (2019) - Season 1: A Poignant Exploration of Grief and Redemption After Life is a critically acclaimed comedy-drama television series that premiered on Netflix in 2019. Created, written, and directed by the multi-talented Ricky Gervais, the show delves into the complex themes of grief, loneliness, and the redemptive power of human connection. With its stellar cast and impeccable storytelling, After Life has become a fan-favorite and a must-watch for anyone seeking an emotional and thought-provoking experience. The series centers around Tony Johnson, played brilliantly by Ricky Gervais himself. Tony is a newspaper journalist living in the picturesque town of Tambury. However, after his wife Lisa, portrayed by Kerry Godliman, tragically passes away from cancer, Tony's life takes a dark turn. Consumed by grief, he becomes bitter, nihilistic, and contemplates suicide. It is through his work as a journalist and interactions with the eclectic characters around him that Tony begins to find glimmers of hope. The supporting cast of After Life is a collection of talented performers that truly bring the town of Tambury to life. Tony's colleagues at the newspaper office include the kind-hearted yet bumbling photographer Lenny (Tony Way) and the snarky, no-nonsense editor Matt (Tom Basden). Their banter and interactions with Tony provide moments of both humor and tender introspection. Additionally, the townspeople play an essential role in Tony's journey towards healing. From Pat, an elderly widow portrayed with warmth and charm by David Bradley, to Roxy (Roisin Conaty), a local sex worker who develops a unique friendship with Tony, each character adds a layer of depth and humanity to the narrative. Through these relationships, After Life examines the power of empathy and the importance of reaching out to others, even in the darkest of times. One particularly memorable character is Anne, played by Penelope Wilton. Anne is an elderly woman suffering from dementia, residing in a care home that Tony frequently visits. Their interactions serve as powerful reminders of the fragility of life, the fleeting nature of memories, and the importance of cherishing the present moment. Wilton's nuanced portrayal of Anne adds a delicate touch to the series, further highlighting the show's ability to explore poignant topics with grace and sensitivity. The strength of After Life lies not only in its exceptional writing but also in its ability to seamlessly transition between moments of heart-wrenching sadness and side-splitting humor. Ricky Gervais, known for his unparalleled comedic timing, infuses the show with a distinct brand of dark, self-deprecating humor that adds a layer of relatability to Tony's journey. Through his trademark wit, Gervais masterfully tackles difficult subjects, offering a unique perspective on the human experience. As the series progresses, Tony's transformation is gradual but significant. Through a series of encounters and experiences, he begins to see the beauty and joy that still exist in the world. The exceptional character development, coupled with Ricky Gervais' exceptional performance, ensures that viewers remain invested in Tony's quest for redemption until the very end. For those captivated by the music of After Life, a collection of hauntingly beautiful songs from the series is available to both play and download. These sounds, composed by Andy Burrows, perfectly complement the show's emotional depth and create an immersive viewing experience. Overall, After Life (2019) - Season 1 is a remarkable achievement in storytelling that tugs at the heartstrings while providing moments of much-needed levity. With its stellar cast, exceptional writing, and unforgettable performances, it stands as a testament to the power of human connection even in the face of insurmountable loss. A true masterpiece, After Life offers a poignant exploration of grief and reminds us that redemption and hope can be found in the most unexpected places.
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