Strangers with Candy (1999) - Season 2 Edit

A paper cut.

About what?

Absolutely.

Ah, look at them go!

Ah, right.

Ah... nature's callin'...

Ahhh...

Alan is my friend, Mother.

Alan, a little bit more to the left.

Alan, I'm sorry I deceived you, but now I truly understand you.

Alan, it's me, Jerri.

Alan, no, come back, Alan!

Alan, no, come back.

Alan, that's the closet.

Alan, this one's going to you, on seven...

Alan, wait!

Alan, what?

Alan, what's it like being blind?

Alan!

Alan!

Alan!

Alan!

Alan!

Alan!

Alan...

All mildewy.

All right, gentlemen!

All right, let's go get knocked up,

All right, you ladies make me sick!

Alright, we're going with a shotgun 24 double dog,

Amen.

And be just like everybody else.

And blaming it on me.

And don't worry I... I can't get pregnant.

And everyone's getting along just fine!

And finally, just as you cured the blind,

And hear something that he couldn't see?

And is now the star attraction in a traveling trauma center.

And it's gonna sting!

And not being able to find the light switch?

And ran away from home.

And the condemnation of the ****.

And then where will you place your bets?!

And though the faces may have changed...

And what about my trophy!?

And you can't beat our Flatpoint Asses!

Arghh! [CRASH]

Aw, forget it!

Bad time to be blind, Jerri.

Being rude.

Bingo.

BLACKMAN: You're right, Jerri Blank.

Boo!

Break! Break! Break!

Bring it on, I love a good fight.

But as the president of the Board of Ed,

But do you really want to take that risk?

But now I'm back in school!

But say he felt so unwanted

But we are not here to bake cupcakes.

But well worth it.

But you cannot defeat

But you're the ones who spend all your time beating off.

But you're... you're swimming.

Bye.

C'mon, Alan!

Can I go down farther?

Can I keep going?

Can we help you, son?

Coach Liss, I'd like to try out for your team.

Come and get me!

Come on, fellas.

Couldn't you, for once, open your minds and hearts

Count me among the sightless.

Cross all the time by yourself?

Damn it!

Damn!

Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention.

Did a lot of time.

Did some more time.

Do it for Flatpoint, son.

Do you close your eyes when you sleep?

Do you think we could stop listening to the TV for a minute?

Dragged through the garden...

Drenched with the blood of these young warriors!

During one of his sightless destructive seizures.

Enter if you dare.

Everybody thinks I can't do things just because I'm blind.

Evidently there's some "law" that says

Except Alan, who never regained consciousness

Except of course for Alan, being blind and all.

Fine!

Flatpoint didn't win a single game

Forget about 'em, Alan.

Forgive me for that thing I do with the thing.

Give me 10 laps and then hit the showers!

Give me a second, give me a second.

Go ahead, ask anybody.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

God, I hate you!

Good one, Trake!

Good!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha...

Ha ha ha!

He did make it out here.

He just doesn't snap my bean.

He just impaled himself with scissors.

Hear that?

Hello there, tigger.

Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.

Hello, Stepmother.

Hello? Ughn!

Here comes ol' Blindo.

Here you go... towel.

Here, let me help you!

Here's a towel to cover your...

Hey, Alan, tough break about the tryout huh?

Hey, watch it!

Hey, well, uh, good luck at your tryout.

Hi, Jerri!

Hmm... oh, yeah, oh, Alan, it's nice... hmm...

Hot diggety dog, I don't believe it does!

How do I put this delicately...

Hu tttt!

Huh?

Hurry!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

Hut!

I am so tired of high school boys.

I break 'em down,

I can read! Nifty trick...

I can't have him bumping into my valuables

I covered my eyes with a blindfold

I cross this street every day by myself with no problem.

I don't want him running aground...

I dropped him.

I feel it this year.

I guess we all know it's for the best right?

I guess what I learned from all this is

I have to go, Onyx, I'm parked in a handicapped spot.

I haven't seen you before.

I hope you're all happy keeping Alan off the team.

I just can't see myself doing it.

I just happen to be a little different!

I just want to thank you for the way

I know, Jerri, I know.

I look pretty sexy in mine

I love listening to, and not watching, TV.

I mean I'd do it all over again...

I mean wearing that blindfold.

I need someone strong and courageous.

I need to talk.

I stole the TV...

I think it's brave of you wanting to play football.

I think it's sexy.

I thought they have to let you play.

I thought you looked uh, pretty sexy in your swimming trunks.

I want a man, not a monkey.

I want that trophy sitting in my case

I want to see!

I want to see!

I want you to let that blind boy play!

I was a boozer, a user, and a loser.

I was hoping that if I stuck it out

I will not be strong armed by the Board of Education.

I, for one, am glad Alan is blind,

I'd like the company.

I'll do it!

I'll handle this.

I'll uh, see you at school tomorrow, Alan.

I'm blind, Alan, just like you.

I'm getting in shape for the football tryouts.

I'm going to play football for Flatpoint High.

I'm gonna work on a comeback...

I'm here for you, Alan.

I'm Jerri Blank.

I'm just starting at Flatpoint.

I'm looking for Coach Liss.

I'm not being rude, I'm blind.

I'm not gonna play on the team!

I'm not saying that if we lose, we'll turn away,

I'm serious, I'm blind.

I'm sorry, please go on.

I'm still planning on playing football for Flatpoint High.

I've never seen anything like this!

If only I could see what it's like to be blind.

In a pool?

Into a circus sideshow!

Is it coming together for you, Alan?

Is it like having your eyes closed?

Is no place for the malformed or the abnormal.

It is our destiny.

It makes me as damp as a cellar down there.

It smells like a lemon.

It was just something I heard at school earlier today.

It'll only get them hurt.

It's me, Jerri.

It's no joke.

Jerri, are you making fun of me?!

Jerri, can I feel your face so I know what you look like?

Jerri, can I talk to you privately please?

Jerri, can we just change the subject?

Jerri, it's hard to explain to someone who can see.

Jerri, Jerri, are you listening to me?

Jerri, there goes my quiet and pleasant afternoon.

Jerri, why didn't you ring the doorbell?

Jerri, would you just keep him in the channel please.

Jerri, you've proven to me that you care.

Jerri!?

Jerri?

Jerri... Jerri...

Joke's over, mole man.

Juice it, juice it!

Just thinking about the big game.

Kick 'em, Donks!

Kick 'em, Donks!

Lead on.

Lemons, paper cuts...

Let the boy sue!

Let's go watch some gay porn

Let's go, Brownies, show us how you skip!

Let's win this one for Alan!

Like flies on a rib roast.

Like, say... the debate team?

Liss, I like your coaching style.

LISS: All right, remember:

Listen up, Roger, don't push me

Listen, nobody wants you on the team!

Look, Onyx, the P.T.A. is crawling on me

Look, son, I don't think football is for you.

Look, son, the field of glory

Looks like we're the most blind of all.

Mind if I walk with you for a while?

Mmm... so strong and courageous.

Mmmm, mmmph!

Mmmpgh!

Move it, ladies!

Mr. Jellineck just took a spill.

My hands are tied.

My name is Alan.

My ovaries are diseased.

Never encourage the handicapped.

Nice catch, Orlando.

Nice to spend time with somebody I can trust.

No Lookin' at Things guy...

No one's ever tried before.

No, you're confusing us!

No.

Not really.

Now I understand the true curse of blindness.

Now, I don't like this anymore than you do,

Now, Principal Blackman will lead us in a team prayer.

Now... run along.

O... key dokey.

Oh Alan, I'm so proud of you.

Oh come on, Jerri!!

Oh here, let me help you with that.

Oh my dear Lord.

Oh my God, I can't believe I can see...

Oh my God, it... it stings!

Oh my God, you're fine!

Oh my God!

Oh my God.

Oh that smarts.

Oh that's it, work it,

Oh wait a minute, you can't read.

Oh yeah, the girl who took a leak in the pool.

Oh yeah?

Oh yeah... Go gentle...

Oh, and, uh,

Oh, are you sure... All right...

Oh, but no, that's okay, I can do it by myself.

Oh, I like this.

Oh, I made a lot of friends,

Oh, I think somebody's made a wrong turn.

Oh, I'm charged.

Oh, I'm going to feel this in the morning.

Oh, oh Alan, no, I just didn't want you to be disappointed.

Oh, thanks.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh... just... give me just a second..

Oh... right, good one.

Oh... what's your favorite color?

Okay, Jerri...

On the china cabinet.

Or I'll cancel the whole athletic program

Or is it like being in a dark room

Or rather... Not see you.

Our players may be crackers,

Our players may be honkeys,

Over here!

Playing in the big game.

Please hand us an easy victory.

Please let me take the blindfold off.

Please, Jerri!

Please? Oh, uh, yes.

PRINCIPAL BLACKMAN: All right, everybody out of the water.

PRINCIPAL BLACKMAN: Oh my!

Ready, okay!

Ready?

Remember me?

Roger!

Run away from the sound of my voice!

Set!

Shazam!

Smell it.

So he can't see what I am so sad to say you can't hear.

So I could see firsthand

So we can get our hate back.

Sorry, just curious.

Sorry, just doing laps.

Sorry, just trying to help.

Sorry, Mumsie!

Sorry.

Speaking of catch, what's going on with you and Spence?

Spence Snibbins?

Stop yanking my chain.

Sure, I'll um, I'll turn it off.

Take him down.

Take the trail to heaven!

Team mate.

Thank you for curing this team of the blind.

Thank you, Jerri.

Thanks for sticking up for me, Jerri.

Thanks.

That blind boy would turn this football team

That doesn't break any law, does it, Onyx?

That he had a change of heart.

That was funny, breaking your mother's vase

That's right, and what do you get from paper?

That's why it's so important for me to play football

The audacity!

The Flatpoint Donkeys!

The hassles are just the same.

The monkey's dressed up like a sheriff!

The monkey's killing a duck!

The team would respect me, you know?

The truck! The truck!

Then you build them back up again?

There ya go.

They'd want me to play, do you understand?

Things I never saw before.

This is Alan, he's blind.

This is gonna be in the yearbook if he survives.

This isn't the Special Olympics, son.

This nice?

Threaten me?!

To something less eyeball challenging

To the movement of the stars

Towel?

Towel?

Troll...

Trust me, I'm all woman.

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughn!

Ughnnn...

Uh huh?

Uh huh...

Uh huh... right, right...

Uh, this has nothing to do with you Alan.

Uh, what about me?

Uh...

Uh...

Um, everything's so bright and, and hot.

Vagina.

Wait!

Walk towards the sound of my voice!

Watch the truck!

We acted selfishly.

We are here to kick some ass!

We have to let the blind boy play,

We just need to talk about you some place

We make the passes,

We'll go up to my room!

We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies

We've got a dead body in the pool.

Well, don't ask anybody.

Well, I can do everything you do.

Well, I guess we all should have seen that one coming,

Well, I need your advice,

Well, if it isn't... Mr...

Well, maybe legally

Well, things are back to normal around here.

Well, think about this, Batman!

Well, you've got to admire his sense of direction.

Wha'?

What are you talking about, Jerri?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you up to, dumb eyes?

What do you mean, I was standing right there when it happened.

What do you mean?

What your freakish, vision less world is really like.

What?

What? Oh, I bumped my knee.

What's that sound?

What's up, darling, is this some sort of a prank?

What's up?

Where have I heard those two words today?

Where was I?

Where you can't hear us.

Who told you that?!

Who's your friend?

Who's your rude friend?

Why don't you turn your energies

Why? I'm a good athlete.

Y'know, when these boys come to me, I...

Yeah right!

Yeah, but I guess I didn't want to win this way.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, my family just moved here from Moorehead City.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, well, you know, it was a real challenge

Yeah, ya see what I was talking about, huh?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yes, paper.

You are panty waisted pussies who squat to pee,

You can lay off now, Derrick.

You can't discriminate against the disabled.

You don't understand me, Jerri!

You fertile bitches!

You know something, Orlando?

You know what's funny, he's blind,

You know, when I started at Flatpoint, I w...

You need to be more...

You should see this!

You should've seen what I did in the shower.

You sound like a really nice person, Jerri.

You're a girl... right?

You're all a bunch of sissies!

You're no different than everyone else!

You're not like most people.

You're probably wondering, so I'll tell you...

You've found him.

You've tried to understand me.

32 years ago I dropped out of high school

'cause I'm having second thoughts about

'Cause we've got the style,

'till they're worthless and weak.

"See what it's like to be blind."

[CRASH]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SNAP SNAP]

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

[SNICKERING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TRUCK HORN BLOWING]

[VEHICLES CRASHING]

♪ and I am feelin' ♪

♪ and I am feelin' ♪

♪ and I am feelin' ♪

♪ and I know I should ♪

♪ Feelin' ♪

♪ feelin' ♪

♪ feelin' oh so fine ♪

♪ Oh say can you see... ♪

♪ smilin' ♪

♪ the DJ's spinnin' ♪

♪ the DJ's spinnin' ♪

♪ the DJ's spinnin' ♪

♪ the DJ's spinnin' and I am feelin' good ♪

♪ walkin' ♪

♪ walkin' on sunshine ♪

♪ yes I'm feelin' good ♪